Honeymoon of the Dead

by Tate Hallaway

  My heart pounded in my ears. Lilith stirred in anticipation of danger. I glanced over at Sebastian, who still slumbered peacefully—or, at least, as peacefully as he could given that when he slept his body always returned to the position he was in the moment he died.

  “Uh,” I said to Dominguez, wanting to stall this whole conversation. “He’s asleep.”

  “This is a courtesy call, Garnet. I want you to know that Immigration is on its way.”

  I clutched the sheet to my naked chest. “What? Why?”

  “Seems his birth certificate has been forged—at least once,” Dominguez said businesslike, and then he broke. “Christ, Garnet. How many vampires are in your life, anyway?”

  “Two . . . oh, three, really, if you count Teréza, and a half: Mátyás is a dhamypr.”

  Dominguez muttered some expletives and a string of Spanish I couldn’t quite catch. After his short rant, he added, “The people from Immigration are really serious. They may deport him.”

  “How can they? We’re married.” When Sebastian stirred, I struggled to keep the shrieking panic out of my tone, but my whisper was a little strained. “He’s an American citizen now.”

  “Not if he committed fraud. In fact, if it’s true, your marriage license isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.”

  “We’re on our honeymoon. You can’t do this to us.”

  “I’m not. Immigration is. And, honestly, I sympathize, Garnet, I really do. That’s why I called to warn you. I’ve got to go. Good luck.”

  He hung up before I could voice a response. Lilith’s strength pulverized the phone’s receiver. Sebastian groaned but didn’t wake. There was a time when Lilith’s show of power would have snapped him into alertness. But the blood bond he had with Her got diluted every time he drank someone else’s blood. Even though I let him bite me on a regular basis, he needed more than I could possibly provide. I’d be jealous, but I had bigger things to worry about, like the Immigration goons showing up to deport him.

  I shook his shoulder. “Wake up,” I shouted. “We have to go.”

  Jumping out of bed, I immediately started packing our suitcases. We could drive to Canada. It was relatively close. Plus, it had to be easy to cross the border; it’s not like they had a fence.

  As I packed, I consciously calmed my breathing. We could not afford to have Lilith rise up at a moment as delicate as this. When Lilith surfaced She had a tendency to, shall we say, overreact. She made no distinction between friend or foe, right or wrong. Her motto could be summed up as “Kill. Kill them all.”

  Sebastian sat up and blinked at me sleepily. “What are you doing?”

  “Packing,” I explained, tossing his shirts into his open suitcase. His jaw tightened as they formed a jumbled pile. “Immigration is going to be showing up any minute asking questions you can’t answer about your birth certificates. I guess you have more than one?”

  “Why were they looking into my birth certificate? My passport is valid.”

  I stopped my frantic tossing for a moment. “I don’t know.”

  “My country of origin isn’t going to dispute my birth certificate,” he said, emphasizing the singular nature of the last word. “Of which there is only one, officially.”

  Without anything more to do, I started shifting from one foot to another, which must have looked pretty silly given that I was stark naked. Suddenly, I was feeling not only at a loss as to what to do next but kind of chilly too. I hugged my chest. “I don’t understand.”

  “I have an arrangement with certain people in the Austrian government,” Sebastian said. Reaching to the floor of his side of the bed, he picked up his underwear and jeans. “My money stays in Austrian banks and I invest in Austrian interests as long as my identity is protected and supported. They will not, if they want to keep my money—and believe me, they do—deny the validity of my birth certificate.”

  “So . . . what do you suppose the problem is?”

  He stood up to stomp into his clothes. Out of his jeans pocket, he grabbed his iPhone. Sliding his finger over the surface expertly, he flicked through some screen then put it to his ear. “I don’t know, but I’m going to call the Austrian embassy in D.C. right now.” Smiling at me with a wolfish grin, he added. “You should probably get dressed. You look, uh, cold.”

  Blushing, I covered my nipples and hunted around for my clothes. We’d been a little exuberant last night. My panties were on the lamp shade. “I still want to run away and hide.”

  “Let’s find out if we have to,” he said. Someone on the other end must have connected, because he said, “Hello? This is Sebastian Von Traum. I need to speak to Ambassador Nowotny. Tell her it’s an emergency.”

  I pulled my panties off the shade and tossed them onto the “dirty” pile I’d started to one side of the dresser. Out of my suitcase I grabbed a new pair. Of course, because this was meant to be our honeymoon, all the panties I’d packed fell squarely into the “sexy” camp rather than on the practical side. After wedging myself into a thong, I resolved to buy some new underwear at Target if we stayed here much longer.

  “Eva? Good to hear from you too. Yes, it’s been far too long. Uh-huh. Yes, definitely. We loved your wedding gift,” Sebastian said, giving me the munching-fingers gesture that implied she was far too chatty.

  What gift? I mouthed to Sebastian.

  He waved me away with a “Later,” and then turned toward the wall.

  “I’m sorry, but I may not have a lot of time,” he said, which reminded me to quick get into my jeans and throw on a bra. “Let me cut to the chase.” After that came a flood of Austrian, which I guess is basically German, but it was all Greek to me, if you know what I mean.

  I was just slipping my favorite pink and sequined Hello, Kitty sweater over my head when there was a knock—really, more of a pounding—at the door.

  “Immigration,” someone announced, like they were going to ram the door in if I didn’t voluntarily unlock it. “Open up!”

  I glanced at Sebastian, who spoke even more furiously into the phone. Then he jabbed his finger onto the touch pad angrily. He slammed down the iPhone onto the end table so hard I thought they both might shatter.

  “Should I answer the door?” I squeaked, almost too petrified to move. Lilith sent waves of heat along my body just to let me know that She’d be more than happy to dismember these guys.

  If Sebastian didn’t do it first.

  Another presence bubbled at the edges of my consciousness, momentarily disorienting me. Though the feeling this Goddess brought with Her was quiet calm and strength. If I needed a little divine help, it seemed Athena offered something not quite so destructive.

  My lips curled in a snarl as Lilith asserted Herself.

  Ignorant of my inner war, Sebastian marched over to the door and flung it open. “Apparently,” he shouted quite angrily into the stunned faces of a bunch of men in yellow vests with Homeland Security emblazoned on them, “I need to let you assholes arrest me so the embassy has ‘reasonable cause’ to get involved.” He threw his arms out as though offering his wrists for handcuffs, but which looked, in practice, a lot more like a rude suggestion. “I surrender,” he snarled, though that also sounded more like a challenge.

  Nobody moved. Despite the fact that some of them had guns at the ready, they all seemed confused as to how this was supposed to go down now that Sebastian had rather belligerently capitulated.

  One really brave guy holstered his gun and stepped forward with handcuffs. He stood in front of Sebastian for a moment, as apparently he didn’t quite have the guts to actually snap them on Sebastian’s wrists. Sebastian grabbed them and started putting them on. My heart ached at the sound of the metal teeth slipping into place. As he finished he said to me, “Garnet, go to the consulate of Austria.” My mouth opened uselessly, and he said, “There’s one here in Minnesota. Eva said it’s on Highway 55 or something. Anyway, you sit on the consul general until he tells you I’m a free man. Understood?”

&nb
sp; “Yeah,” I said. Athena’s calm had settled around me like a protective cloak, muffling my desire to slaughter the enemy. Taking in a deep breath, I filled my lungs with a cool, dispassionate collectedness. “Of course.”

  “Also,” he said, “I would like a shirt.”

  I suddenly realized he hadn’t put one on yet. I hurried and grabbed one from his suitcase. It was a white button-down . . . and a bit wrinkled. I handed it to the brave Homeland Security officer. He started to put it over Sebastian’s shoulders, but Sebastian shook his head. “I’ll carry it,” he said. When the man handed it to him, Sebastian looped it over the cuffs on his wrists. “Thank you. Now, gentlemen, if you would escort me out.” He gestured toward the elevators.

  Sebastian’s voice was still clipped with anger, but he sounded a lot calmer than I felt watching them take him away.

  In fact, it took all my effort not to loosen Lilith on all their asses. My hands shook as I carefully closed the door with a click.

  Turning the lock, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I let Her go.

  I woke up in the middle of the floor in a room that looked like a rock band from the seventies had partied there. Chairs were smashed. Splinters from the bed frame littered the floor. Wallpaper hung in strips. The bedsheets and curtains had been shredded. Shattered pieces of tabletop decor spread out from where I knelt, like blast marks from the epicenter of a bomb.

  And there, at my feet, lay the smashed remains of the cherubs. Like a sadist with a fly, Lilith had plucked their little wings off, one by one.

  I guessed Lilith didn’t like the statue much either.

  At least two of my fingernails had broken, and my knuckles felt bruised. I was still breathing like a racehorse.

  This was the part I hated.

  Any time Lilith emerged there was always some kind of horrible cleanup involved. Picking up a shard of a once-beautiful pottery bowl, I sighed. I supposed I should be grateful this time didn’t involve burying bodies.

  The memory made me sick. In fact, a little flutter of nausea burbled up, and my stomach dropped, like I was suddenly falling. Dipping my head, I put my palms on the floor to steady myself until the feeling passed. I breathed through it and managed not to add a puke stain to our mounting property-damage bill.

  Jesus, the Ordway Room! Given that it cost us a couple thousand a night just to sleep here, I couldn’t even imagine what it would take to replace it.

  Sebastian was going to be hopping mad about that. Despite having a lot of money, he usually hated spending it—especially to take care of Lilith’s problems—but he’d be more ticked if I didn’t get my butt to the consulate like I’d promised. I found the alarm clock half under the bed. Its case was a bit cracked, but, miraculously, it was still plugged in and working. Lilith’s tantrum had only taken five minutes. Okay, I had time to find a mind-clearing cup of coffee before I headed out. I picked myself up off the floor, brushed the plaster dust from my hair, and hung the Do Not Disturb sign on the knob on the way out.

  I’d grabbed Sebastian’s keys and his iPhone from the pile of debris that had once been the nightstand. I was really grateful Lilith hadn’t smashed the phone. If I was going to find the consulate, I needed a Google map, bad.

  My thick winter boots shuffled on the soft carpeting of the hotel hallway. Passing a cleaning lady, I looked away guiltily. Lilith always wrecked everything. She had almost literally come between Sebastian and me during sex. Now there was the room. Was our marriage always going to involve Lilith and Her disasters? Sebastian thought I was the vortex of some bad juju that always invited creatures of the night into our lives. What if it wasn’t me so much as Lilith? My life had been crazy before Lilith, but rarely did it involve Gods or elves or zombies. How much easier would my marriage be without all these complications?

  Hardly noticing my surroundings, I made my way down to the parking garage. It took me a few seconds after getting off the elevator to remember where we’d parked the car, and then a couple minutes more to remember what it looked like. I’d have asked the valet upstairs to fetch it for me, but that always made me feel weird, plus I didn’t really want an audience while I tried to remember how to drive. Thank Goddess the loaner car was an automatic or I’d be completely screwed.

  Sebastian favored classic cars built in the twenties and thirties, but they didn’t tend to come with things like heaters. So in the winter, we borrowed whatever junker Hal had laying around at Jensen’s, the auto shop where Sebastian worked whenever he wasn’t teaching at UW.

  Finally recognizing the beat-up Toyota with Wisconsin plates as the one we’d driven up from Madison, I stood beside the driver’s-side car door for a moment in order to puzzle out Sebastian’s phone for directions. I’d just managed to figure out how to turn it on when three guys in shapeless black parkas rushed up, shouting, “Down with the Illuminati!”

  It all happened in kind of a blur. My brain registered kids in parkas brandishing their fists. One was tall, the other two medium. If the police asked me their description, all I’d have been able to come up with in that moment was: Yikes!

  Apparently, Lilith decided She finally found the fight She’d been looking for. I squeezed my eyes shut. Oh, Great Goddess, my mind screamed, these poor kids are going to die! But instead of losing consciousness as was typical with Lilith, suddenly, and with hardly a thought from me, my hand that wasn’t holding the phone snapped up in a classic traffic cop gesture of “Stop!”

  The boys, who were running at full speed, bounced back, like they’d hit an invisible wall . . . which, I guess, technically, they kind of had.

  With my magical vision, I could see it sparkling silver, like a giant circular shield. My inner ear heard the sound of a thousand hissing snakes—wait a minute, snakes? That wasn’t a sound I usually associated with Lilith, no, it seemed a lot more like a certain classic Greek Goddess.

  Athena!

  My knees trembled as if with the effort of supporting something heavy, and I thought that they might buckle any moment. My eyes blurred, but I saw the boys standing still as stone.

  They seemed uncertain what to do next. Meanwhile, I showed them Sebastian’s phone. “I’m calling the cops!”

  That made them exchange nervous glances, but they didn’t move. Maybe they could tell I had no idea how to use Sebastian’s phone. Or perhaps they sensed that Lilith’s fire had started competing with Athena’s cool control over my body. My knees knocked in earnest, and sweat steamed from my forehead. I had no doubt that if the boys attacked again it would be Lilith they’d face.

  And this time, when I awoke, there’d be blood on my hands.

  My arm started to droop from the fatigue of holding Athena’s mighty shield. One of the boys in a ratty parka took a daring step forward.

  “Don’t,” I said weakly. “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

  Just then, from out of the shadows of the parked cars, someone approached. “You there!” he shouted, carrying a baseball bat. “Get away from her!”

  I blinked. The menacing figure approaching almost looked like James Something, except, you know, I couldn’t be sure. Which I guess meant it was him.

  “Get out of here,” he yelled again, this time waving the bat around threateningly. Taking one look at James and his manly command of the Louisville Slugger, the boys bolted. But not before one of them—the brains behind the operation?—spit on the ground and snarled, “Eat the Rich.”

  Wait, was I just assaulted by a roving gang of social progressives? Ack, those were supposed to be my people!

  Light-headed, I held on to consciousness by tightly gripping the car door. Lilith seemed equally unsettled. She shifted and scattered under my skin, giving me hot and cold flashes. I thought I might actually throw up this time.

  James Something cautiously came up beside the car, holding the bat loosely at his side. “Are you all right?”

  “You know, I used to have a shirt that said that,” I muttered. “I stopped wearing it because, you know, with Seb
astian the connotation seemed kind of kinky.”

  “Sorry?” He asked again. This time I noticed the slight British accent.

  “James Something!” I said in happy acknowledgment, even though my world spun as I turned to face him. “Am I ever grateful you’ve been stalking us!”

  He put his arm out to steady me, but I stumbled away from it. “Sorry, but if you touch me I’ll probably puke.”

  His hand retreated guiltily.

  Lilith finally settled with a low, uncertain groan, deep inside my belly. It felt wrong, somehow, like She retreated in pain or fear. Despite the unease of it, I was just happy to feel the floor solidify under my feet. Plus, without Athena’s intercession those kids would be dead, I was sure of it.

  James Something continued to hover nearby protectively. I looked him over measuringly, keeping a careful watch on that baseball bat. “You know,” I told him, “I really would have thought you were on their side.”

  “Not hardly. The Order of the Green Garter is ever at your service, madam.”

  Oh, well, if it was like that . . . “Great. Do you know how to work an iPhone?”

  Turns out my main problem was a lack of signal. James Something suggested we go upstairs, but the restaurant wasn’t open and I wanted a cup of coffee. It was actually quite unreasonable how much I’d done this morning before imbibing a single drop of caffeine.

  I still didn’t trust James Something, but since he was going to stalk me anyway, I took him along in my search for a cup of joe. Since I needed to get to the consulate as soon as humanly possible, I decided if I didn’t find something in a block or two I’d give up and go cold. Meanwhile, James ditched the baseball bat in back of a beat-up Outback station wagon parked not far from Sebastian’s car. The brief view I had of the various weaponry in his trunk did little to make his case that he was friendly, especially since he seemed to have a good supply of garlic and sharpened wooden stakes.

  Of course, I’d be more worried if either of those really worked on Sebastian. Sebastian is really quite fond of garlic, and a stake to the heart only immobilizes him. And pisses him off, but I figured that was a detail James Something could figure out on his own, if he was stupid enough to go after Sebastian, which supposedly he wasn’t going to since he claimed to be some kind of knight and on our side and everything.