Hate Me, Take Me: A Hate-to-Love Duet

by Clare James

  Aria

  Tristan Green is an arrogant asshole.

  So he may be in the variety of I-want-to-rip-off-your-clothes-and-lick-you-like-an-ice-cream-cone-asshole. But an asshole nonetheless.

  The gall of him to touch me that way. Even more disturbing was the way I let him. Let. Him. I actually wanted his touch – craved it. How sick was that? This guy who I despised, and who found me equally as offensive. Though that definitely wasn’t the feeling he was giving me today.

  The sun has set, so I walk in the shadows. Still I swear I can feel his eyes on me. I need to get out of here. Back to safety. Olly olly oxen free, my home calls out. And despite my torn-up foot, I run. No, this was not a game I’d be playing again.

  When I arrive, the restaurant is closed, but Cade is still up. I hear the soft voices of him and Mom. And… here we go – my sister.

  Serena wasn’t with the welcome wagon this afternoon and I couldn’t help the little prickle in my chest at her absence. Inside, the three of them are huddled on the couch together and I instantly warm. Okay, my eyes fill a little bit. At least it was just me Serena was avoiding, because she seems to be enamored with my son.

  “Mommy.” Cade reaches out for me.

  “What are you still doing up?” I ask.

  “Serena wants to take him tomorrow.” Mom gestures to my sister. The one who’s hardly talked to me since I left almost four years ago. “So, he can sleep in.”

  I arch an eyebrow.

  “Plus,” Mom admits, defeated. “We wanted more time with him.”

  “I thought you had the daycare set up, so I could help you at the restaurant.”

  “Well, about that –” Mom starts before Serena interrupts.

  “I’d like to nanny for Cade this summer,” Serena says.

  My sister is only two years younger than me, but I still see the sophomore in high school who wouldn’t talk to me when I left town. Her sweatpants are bunched up at her knees and her mint green-painted toes wiggle up on the couch. She’s make-up free, not that she needs a thing on her perfect skin, her long hair wrapped in a top knot. I feel ancient standing next to her. She’s so fresh-faced, and innocent, but still has that air of defiance. Mom actually had to force her to go to my wedding. She hated Alex with a passion and didn’t agree with any of my decisions once I found out I was pregnant with Cade.

  Serena has her arm around him now, and I wonder if she remembers that she tried to talk me into adoption.

  “You what?” I ask, totally taken aback by her offer.

  “That’s what I’ve been doing, Ari,” she says. My face heats hearing her call me by my nickname. “I’ve nannied for Jack and Philly’s twins for the past two years.”

  I’m sad I don’t know this. A prick of jealousy pokes at me. My family has moved on without me. Jack and Philly’s boys were just toddlers when I left. They don’t even know who I am.

  “What about the restaurant?” I ask. I know with me gone, Mom has needed the extra hands.

  “We make do,” Mom chimes in. “It’s the best thing for Serena, and looks great on her résumé since she’s going into Elementary Ed.”

  “You picked a major?” I ask, a little too excited. Just because our relationship was no more than radio silence didn’t mean I stopped keeping tabs on her. Elementary Education. It was perfect.

  “I did,” Serena answers, looking like the adorable kid I remember when she turns all cherry-faced. “And I’m actually quite good. Ask Jack. I’m open for one more, if you’ll have me. And you better have me, because I need to spend time with this monkey.” She tickles Cade, but with me, she’s all business. “I have a contract in the kitchen.”

  As much as I want to be mad at Serena, and not let her have what she wants, I know this is how it should be. Deep in my heart, this is where Cade and I are meant to be. And I want to kick myself for waiting so long to get us back home.

  I nod in agreement. “Okay,” I tell her.

  Cade squeals. “I get to play with my cousins all day long.”

  Oh boy, the destruction brothers. What were they going to teach my angel?

  “Well, in that case,” I tell him, “it’s bedtime. You’re going to need all the energy you’ve got to keep up with those two.”

  “Jack doesn’t bring the kids until ten,” Serena says. “I’ll just have him drop them here, so Cade can have more time to adjust.”

  “Okay,” I say again, bringing Cade to his bedroom, thinking I might need my own time to adjust.

  I tuck in Cade, and all his stuffed animals, and kiss him goodnight. Then I follow suit. It might only be nine p.m., but I’m exhausted.

  I’m in my old room, the space I used to share with Serena. It’s all a bit weird. What’s that poem about how you can never go home again? Well, here we are. At least Mom changed it up. There’s now a queen bed, instead of two doubles, with the softest cotton sheets and comfy pale blue duvet. It looks new. Everything is a soothing blue and white and there’s even a desk in the corner for me.

  Of course Mom would do it up. I don’t care how long it takes, I will find a way to make it up to her.

  Flipping on the bedside lamp, I pick up one of the books she left for me: a psychological thriller titled The Silent Wife. And just by the sound of the story, I think the wife wins.

  Well played, Mother. Well played.

  No more than five minutes later, Cade is crawling into bed with me. Now I know a grown-up mother would lovingly, but firmly, put him back in his own bed. But Cade and I have spent more time in the same bed than apart. And I rely on him as much as he does on me.

  I pull back the covers and we cuddle until his breathing deepens. How I love that part. His little boy breath usually lulls me to sleep, but tonight my body is jittery and my mind keeps replaying my chat with Tris.

  Of all people to be back here. I never planned for this. Never even fathomed that I’d have to deal with him again. Though he has crossed my mind more than once since I left. Much more. Part of me is happy he’s doing so well. The last time I saw him, I was sure I ruined him for life.

  “Don’t do this, Aria,” he said when he found me in one of the small dressing rooms at the church. I had been there early. Praying of all things. I was so worried about the pregnancy, being in church was the only thing that seemed to give me any comfort.

  Tristan found me, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say Mom tipped him off. I wasn’t answering his calls, so he figured an ambush was the best way to reach me.

  “I have to,” I told him, keeping the baby a secret. That was Alex’s idea. I wanted Tris to know, to understand it wasn’t anything he did. I wasn’t choosing Alex over him. I was choosing my baby.

  So I was forced to rip his heart right out of his chest. Little did I know, he would hold onto that pain. I could see it today. Some people never get over heartbreak or loss. People like Tristan Green. It alters and changes them forever. A scar left in the wake – raised and ugly and permanent.

  “So that’s it?” Tristan asked. His eyes bloodshot, his face flushed.

  “I’m sorry, Tris,” I told him. “I didn’t plan it this way. But I have to go.”

  “You don’t have to do a goddamn fuckin’ thing. You are choosing to do this. Choosing to leave. Choosing him over me.”

  “It’s not like that,” I argued.

  “Really?” Tris gave me that gross sarcastic laugh. “Then tell me. What’s it like?”

  At that point I knew I had to tell him. I couldn’t keep this from him. He was my best friend, and so much more.

  “There’s a reason, Tris,” I began. “I –”

  Tristan interrupted me and wouldn’t let me get it out. I can’t say exactly what happened next, the emotions were too high and my head was spinning. One thing was clear, I never got to tell him.

  The next moments were a tangle of yelling and grabbing and crying. And then Tris turned on me.

  “It’s like my dad said,” he told me. “You are just like her.”

  L
ike his mother. The most selfish person in the world. The person who hurt him so deeply.

  “You deserve whatever you get, Aria,” he said, walking away. “Just remember that.”

  Yes, I destroyed that boy. And he turned around and did the same back to me.

  I hated him for it.

  Still do.

  Tristan

  I have turned into a fucking pussy overnight. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, hell, I can’t even shower without jerking off to the thought of Aria Prince, or Anders, or whatever the fuck her name is now.

  I can’t get rid of the image of those pert nipples under her shirt, that amazing ass that looked edible in her yoga pants and running shorts, those chocolate brown eyes, that full mouth…

  Shit, this has to stop. That goddamn full mouth did nothing but wreck me then and insult me now. Though I know what this is. A simple case of wanting what you can’t have. Being told no. Something that doesn’t sit well with me anymore.

  Question is, what to do about it?

  I hate her. I want her.

  I’ll just find some way to have her.

  That’s the bottom line. Get her under me and out of my system as quick as possible and move on with my life. And yet, I’m stuck here in Gulf Bay for the foreseeable future. So is she. I’m not involved with anyone. Neither is she. I don’t want a commitment, and from her tone last night, neither does she. And the clincher…

  We both have Wednesdays free.

  My brain works its magic and I know what I have to do.

  Now I just need to wait six more days.

  Turns out, I don’t have to wait that long at all. On my way home from Dad’s shop, I catch Aria on her way into the ice cream shop. And she’s alone. What are the chances?

  I park my bike and follow her in. The bell chimes when I open the door.

  Aria doesn’t look back, but she’s tense. She knows I’m here.

  “How’s the foot?” I ask, closing in on her personal space from behind.

  “Fine.” She takes a step forward. “How’s the death trap you rode in on?”

  She did see me pull in. Heh.

  “It’s not so much a death trap as a death seeker,” I say.

  Aria always hated motorcycles with a passion, one of the reasons I didn’t buy one in high school and possibly why it was the very first thing I bought when she left town.

  She rolls her eyes at me, but her cheeks are flushed. This is the perfect time to talk to her about my idea.

  “Hey, you know –” I start, only to be cut short by the little dirt bomb again. Jesus, he’s filthy.

  “I want ice cream,” he squeaks, barging in right between us.

  “What on earth?” she says, but I miss the rest, because pulling up right behind him is – fuck me – Serena.

  Well, this plan is going to shit in a hurry.

  “Hey buddy.” I bend down to Cade’s level, not meeting Serena’s eyes but definitely feeling the daggers she’s shooting at me. “What flavor are you getting?” I’ve never really been a fan of kids, not sure why, but in this moment, I’d rather talk to the three-foot twerp than acknowledge his grabby aunt.

  When I first moved back in with Dad, I made the mistake of being friendly with Serena – in a completely kid sister sorta way – but she misread the signs. Big time. I can’t even think about the mess that followed.

  “Banilla,” Cade says, bringing me back to the current uncomfortable situation.

  “Banilla?” I ask. Geez, no imagination with today’s youth. “Well, that’s boring.”

  “Maybe we like boring,” Aria snaps at me.

  “Yeah,” Serena agrees before looking away. There’s no way she told Aria what happened, so when I level a look her way, she quickly changes her tune. “What does he know?” she jokes to Cade.

  Jesus H.

  “I highly doubt that you like boring,” I say to Aria before turning my attention on the kid again. “Look at all the choices. What about bubble gum? It’s like two treats in one.” Without thinking, I lift him up to show him.

  The little dude hasn’t picked up any of his mother’s prickly tendencies. He practically jumps into my arms.

  “I can’t get bubble gum,” the kid says.

  “Why not?”

  “It’s pink.” He looks at me like I’m a complete moron.

  “So?” I say.

  “So, that’s a girl’s color.”

  “Says who?” I continue.

  “Everyone,” he replies.

  “Well, that’s a load of crap,” I say.

  Aria clears her throat, and Serena shoots another stink eye in my direction.

  “I mean, that’s not so. Colors aren’t for boys or girls, they’re for everyone. Plus, some of the best flavors are pink. Raspberry, strawberry, cherry nut. On Saturdays they even have cotton candy. Come down and I’ll buy you a cone.”

  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Tristan,” Aria scolds. “He’s very literal and gets attached easily.”

  “If you recall,” I fight back, “I’m not the one who breaks promises.”

  And then, as if to prove my point, I touch her. Two fingers take the same path from her shoulder to her wrist as they had our one night together. I squeeze her small shaking hand in mine.

  “I’ll see you again, little man,” I tell Cade, appreciating his distraction from the ladies. He might not be so bad after all. And to his mother, I whisper in her ear, “I’ll definitely be seeing you.”

  She stumbles away from me so quickly it’s comical.

  “And that’s a promise,” I say as I head for the door with my scoop of rocky road. I have the feeling it’s going to be a rocky one indeed.

  Aria

  For the next few days, I’m able to avoid Tristan. Still, I feel him every night I go to sleep. The way his hands make my skin sing. The way his eyes rake over my body, bringing every nerve ending to the surface with a buzz. The way his anger seems to melt when he’s close.

  My body’s in constant battle with my brain, which distinctly remembers that I’m supposed to hate him.

  Thankfully, the daytime is easier. Working at the restaurant, taking care of Caden, and preparing for school keeps my mind busy and it doesn’t take long to settle into a routine. Most importantly, my son is at home here.

  It’s made me think about what my little guy was missing by being away from his family. We followed Alex thousands of miles and saw him so little. Part of me wishes he’d served those divorce papers sooner. Maybe then I could’ve pulled my head out of my ass.

  Still, I’ll never be free. Alex will always be Cade’s father, shitty one that he is.

  “Aria,” Mom calls, snapping me out of my reverie. “Hurry up there. The lunch rush will be starting soon.”

  I’m a little rusty working at the diner – particularly apparent as I try to help Jimmy prep in the kitchen. I chop veggies while the big hulk of a man gently and cautiously prepares his famous soups. It’s quite adorable. Today, he’s whipping up gazpacho. My absolute favorite.

  “You haven’t changed a bit, Ari.” Jimmy takes my knife from me, showing me the proper way to hold it. “Your chopping technique still stinks.”

  Jimmy’s taught me most everything back here. Other than Mom, of course. When we were little and Mom was off doing the books and serving out front, it was Jimmy who would entertain us back here. It was just him and his wife, Kate. They never had children, so he kind of adopted us. His wife died of breast cancer two years ago. It hurts I wasn’t here for him during that time.

  So even though I hate – absolutely detest – being told what to do, I let him show me the proper way to wield a knife. Though if I haven’t mastered it yet, I think it’s a lost cause.

  “Grasp the blade firmly between your thumb and the knuckle of your index finger, curling your other fingers around the handle. Don’t put your finger along the spine of the knife, because it removes all control.”

  It does work better, and I’m flying through the chopping. Too
bad the technique isn’t going to stick. My hands have their own way of doing things and I can’t change now. I finish up my last carrot when Serena comes in with Cade and the boys. I’m so excited to see him, the knife slips from my hand.

  So, I reach out for it and Jimmy lunges for me.

  “Aria, you never, never grab a falling knife,” he says. “Especially these knives. You’d get a nasty injury and your mom would kill me.”

  “Sorry, sorry,” I tell him. “I know better. I promise I will get back into the swing of this place soon.”

  “It’s okay,” Jimmy says. “We all have a natural instinct to grab for anything that’s falling. You just need to overcome it.”

  Jimmy the chef and philosopher.

  “You okay, Mommy?” Cade asks.

  “I am now that you’re here.” I tackle him for a hug. “How’s it going?”

  “I’m sorry,” Serena says. “We shouldn’t have snuck up on you, but Cade really wanted to see his mama.”

  I give her a squeeze next, and by her doe-eyed expression I can tell I’ve taken her by surprise. Serena takes such good care of Cade while I work at the restaurant. She signed up for playtimes, music classes, and tennis of all things. She may not think the most of me, but Cade? She’s in love and will make sure he has the best.

  Things between the two of us are getting better though. We actually laugh and have meals together sometimes. It’s like we’re getting to be real sisters again, and the dreaded competition between us seems to have faded. Maybe because she finally realizes that I’m not perfect. She was so mad when I left with Alex. Then again, she’s always hated competing for attention.

  Serena and I have always been so different – she’s all about sports and the outdoors with a no apologies approach to life. I was always more girly; particular and fussy; never quite feeling understood, which made me defensive at times. Serena was always the stronger one, she just never knew it. Since I’ve been back though, I see a big change. She’s settling into her own and it’s satisfying to see her in action – her work as a nanny, her education, the way she helps Mom manage the business side of the diner. Right now, Serena’s kicked off a social media plan to improve business.