Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  “I’m just saying, it must suck.” She smiled sympathetically.

  “It does sometimes, but for the most part it’s pretty great. Things are easy, and I have way too much on my plate for it to be anything but that.”

  “Still, I’d like to meet him someday,” she responded. “I mean, I know he’s real, but naturally I’m worried.”

  I was about to respond when I saw someone all too familiar standing a few feet away in front of the tattoo shop.

  Yeah, there was one in the mall. It never made much sense to me but apparently they got enough business if they were able to stay open. Who knows.

  I blinked a few times, my mind trying to process what I was witnessing.

  Sebastian stood with a girl around his age. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and his dimples deepened from his smile. He was staring at her in adoration and she was staring right back, mirroring his affection.

  My eyes tingled with tears I refused to share. We were friends. We were friends who sometimes kissed, but that’s all we were. Nothing more, nothing less. So why did my chest ache so much? And why did my throat tighten the more I watched their interaction?

  I knew why, it just didn’t make much sense to admit it out loud, especially with the scene unfolding in front of me. I had always known the truth, or suspected, but having it spread out in front of me like that wasn’t something I ever prepared for.

  I hated how insignificant it made me feel.

  Becca’s eyes trailed to where mine were and her eyes narrowed, piecing it all together. She shook her head in disgust.

  Tian looked over the girl’s shoulder, and I turned as quickly as I could, but I caught his eyes before I did. His smile faded and his eyes turned sad. Or maybe that was just my imagination. After all, he was a good distance away, so I wasn’t close enough to see too clearly anyway.

  But I had seen. And I hated it. He never voiced any promises to me, but sometimes the strongest promises were the ones left unsaid.

  My heart cracked. I needed to carry on with me day. Winter formal was around the corner. I’d just focus on that.

  I practically ran into the first formal-looking store I saw, and Becca followed behind, trying to keep up. As soon as we were safe inside, she wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug.

  I sighed, sagging my body in relief. “Thank you. For understanding, and for not making a scene.”

  “You needed me more than I needed to get revenge for you.” She hugged me tighter. “That was him, the Sebastian dude you’ve been meeting every Saturday for over a year?”

  “Yeah.” I swallowed over the thickness in my throat.

  “He’s hot, I’ll give him that, but he’s a jerk.”

  “We’re friends,” I said unconvincingly.

  “Right, and I wouldn’t drop my entire life if Zac Efron knocked on my door begging to sweep me off my feet.” She scoffed. “Whether you admitted it or not, you two were, or are, more than friends. How could you not be?”

  “Is this supposed to be making me feel better?” I asked.

  “Sorry.” She shook her head. “It just sucks. But I’m glad I finally know what he looks like. Makes him more real. Plus, now I know who to throw eggs and tomatoes at when he hurts you again.”

  “I’m not sure there will be an again.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not sure it’s worth it. I mean, there’s obviously a reason I’ve kept him hidden for so long, and I’m sure he’s done the same. It’s weird, it’s all too weird, so I’m going to focus on formal and being a typical fifteen-year-old girl, and that’s that.”

  Becca didn’t look convinced. Maybe it was because I was trying too hard. But she didn’t comment on it. She just gave me another tight squeeze and started her browse of the store.

  I ignored the lingering ache in my chest and followed suit. There was no time for broken hearts when life was this good. And it was good. My life, I mean. I couldn’t let one boy change that, no matter how hard my heart beat for him.

  “It’s not Saturday,” I said with a bite. “What do you want, Tian?”

  He sighed, running a hand over his head. “I wanted to see you.”

  “How did you even know that I’d be here?” I asked, crossing my arms. I had needed an escape, so I ran to the park. Our park.

  “I didn’t,” he said. “But I hoped.”

  “Right.” I swallowed over my nerves.

  “I didn’t know you ran.” His lips quirked up and his eyes trailed over my sweaty face and baggy workout clothes.

  “I don’t.” I shrugged. “It’s more of a speedy walk slash light jog.”

  “Right.” He chuckled.

  “It’s gonna get dark soon, so I should probably get going.” I turned to go the opposite way, but his hand gently grabbed mine.

  “Jade. Please.” His eyes looked apologetic and with his skin against mine there was no way I couldn’t give him a few minutes.

  “Who is she?” I asked softly. “Is that the ex? Or, I guess she’s not really an ex anymore.”

  “Things are complicated.” He tried to explain.

  “Complicated how?” My voice cracked on the question. I cleared my throat. “I know we’re just friends, but I deserve the truth.”

  “We’re more than that, Jade.” He promised. “We always have been.”

  “So then why the lies? And the secrecy?”

  “It’s easier that way.”

  “But why?” I asked, my voice raising slightly.

  “There are some things that you don’t know and I know that if I tell you, you’ll never forgive me.” His eyes had widened with something I refused to name.

  “So, you’d rather I find out about this later on? Time doesn’t always heal, Sebastian. Sometimes it makes things worse.” My voice cracked but I held my ground, clenching my fists. “I deserve to know the truth. I mean, gosh, I’m fifteen going on sixteen and I’ve been in love with someone I barely know for damn well over a year. It makes me feel naive and cheap, and I deserve more than that. I know I do.”

  “You’re so mature for your age, Jade, and I don’t deserve you, I know I don’t, but I’m selfish. I need you.”

  “You need me or you need someone like me? Maybe I’m just convenient, maybe when things with your whatever she is get better then you’ll drop me like none of this ever happened, like it never really mattered. Is that your plan? Was that what you were going to do all along? If so, you should just let me go now, save me from the heartache later on.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he shook his head. “I won’t do that, Jade. You make me want to be better, to be a changed man.”

  “So, tell me. What are you keeping from me?” I pleaded.

  “Jessica,” he said, swallowing. “She’s pregnant.”

  My heart stopped before speeding its beating.

  I shook my head, not understanding. “She’s what?”

  He sighed, running a hand over his face. “She’s pregnant.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Have you been with her this whole time?”

  “I’m sorry.” He admitted. “I just, I never thought you and I would be where we are now. Ya know? You were just a girl I talked with at the park one day. I never imagined we’d get to where we are now.”

  “And where’s that exactly?” I asked bravely.

  His hands touched my shoulders before slowly inching up to cup my face. “You’ve given me a home, Jade. And I know I don’t deserve it but it’s true. You’ve given me you and in truth, despite my history with Jessica or anyone else, you’re all that matters. This, what I have with you, is the most important thing to me.”

  I melted, leaning my body closer toward his.

  Tian had a way with words, and I couldn’t not react, no matter how hard I tried. Though if I were being honest, I didn’t try that hard.

  I didn’t know in that moment that his words were just that—words. People weren’t lying when they said that actions spoke louder, but I was too blind
ed by my heart to care much about anything other than what was standing in front of me, or who rather, and that was Sebastian Hayes.

  “So, what’s this big plan of yours?” I asked, looking around at the nearly empty park.

  Tian had called earlier in the day and asked if we could meet up Saturday night instead of the morning, and since baseball season for the tiny humans was long over, I agreed. Except, he also mentioned that it would be an all-nighter type of thing. Apparently, he had something planned for us. And me, being the hopelessly infatuated fifteen-year-old girl that I was, jumped at the opportunity for more alone time with him.

  He was still a bit of a mystery. There was so much about him I still didn’t know, while I, on the other hand, had been more than open about my life and who I was. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not. I mean, a part of me thought he liked the bubble we hid in. Our relationship—or whatever it was—was still mostly a secret. The only people who knew about it, as far as I knew, was Becca.

  “Jade?” He asked with a chuckle. “Are you still with me?”

  I shook my thoughts away and nodded my head. “Yes, sorry, just got lost in my own head for a sec.”

  “It’s not too late to back out, ya know?” He teased.

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right. Besides, my parents already think I’m staying at Becca’s for the night. It’d look suspicious if I went home now.”

  “You could always go to Becca’s,” he suggested, biting back a grin.

  I gently shoved his arm. “Nice try, buddy, but no. You’re stuck with me.”

  “Buddy, huh? Is that what I am to you?” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled my body against his. My heart rate accelerated. Thump, thump, thump.

  “No,” I breathed. “You’re definitely more. So much more.”

  He smiled, his dimples dipping into his cheeks, and pressed his lips against mine, so softly I was sure my heart was going to pop out of my chest.

  I sighed as he pulled away, hope building where it shouldn’t have. Hope set the road work for heartbreak later on. I knew I’d end up being disappointed in the end, but I couldn’t stop. I was in too deep. It would hurt either way, loving him and letting him go, so I chose the option that would give me the most happiness. For now, anyway.

  “I’m sorry about Jessica, Jade,” he said, his voice cracking on my name. “It was a weak moment. I don’t even love her anymore. She was my past, but it was a weak moment, and I’ll be paying for it the rest of my life.”

  “Well, they do say that all it takes is one time,” I added meekly.

  His hands gently squeezed my sides. “Yeah, they do. And the same could be said about falling in love, ya know.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, pulling back to look into his eyes.

  “Man, this is going to make me lose a ton of man points, but I really don’t care.” His lips lifted into a small smile. “All it takes is once. One meeting. One kiss. One look. One truth. I knew the first time I saw you that you were going to mean something to me, I just didn’t realize how much.”

  “Did you feel that?” I asked dramatically.

  “Feel what?”

  “My heart gripping onto yours.” I pressed my hands against his chest. “You might have lost a few man points or whatever but you just gained a bunch of heart points with me.”

  He laughed. “We’re ridiculous, aren’t we?”

  “A little, yeah.” I agreed. “But this is how it’s supposed to be, right?”

  Before he could ask what or say anything else, I beat him to it.

  “How falling in love is supposed to be.”

  “You’re falling in love with me, Jade?” His face fell slightly, but that couldn’t have been right.

  “I don’t know how else to explain what it is I feel for you, and what I feel when I’m with you.” I closed my eyes, gathering my emotions. “It’s been a year, and we’re still getting to know each other, and I know you’re having a baby with someone else, which sucks, but my heart only wants you. These days, you’re the only real thing it beats for. I never imagined that at fifteen I’d feel this way. It’s crazy, I know it is, but I can’t help it.”

  “Almost sixteen,” he added with a smile. I didn’t want to point out that he was several months off. “But Elvis had it right. You can’t help who you fall for, Jade, and I know, more than anything, that I can’t help falling in love with you.”

  “Stop.” I groaned, silliness bubbling up inside me. “I can’t handle the sweetness that you are. I feel like I’m living a fairytale right now.”

  He pressed a light kiss against my cheek. “You’ve been the perfect escape for me. I don’t want to lose you over the Jessica thing.”

  “You won’t,” I promised.

  But it wasn’t my promise to keep because fate had other plans, and try as we might, nothing got in the way of fate. Sure, you might take a different route, add a few more scenarios, but fate’s outcome remained the same. And Sebastian and I? We weren’t in fate’s cards. But for now? I was okay with it. At least, that’s what I convinced myself.

  “So, what’s the plan?” I asked for a second time, curious as to why we’d need all night at the park.

  “We’re camping.” He announced, pulling his body from mine but lacing his fingers through mine.

  “At the park?”

  “Yeah, at our spot.”

  “Is this even legal?” I asked, a little worried.

  “It’s going to be fine, Jade.” He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “I promise.”

  I blew out my nerves and nodded, determined to have this night with him. We didn’t get much beyond our Saturdays, so I’d take what I could get, legal or not.

  We walked a little further and it was then I noticed the setup he had done. There was a small tent with blankets and pillows inside. And from where I stood, I could make out various drinks and snacks lying around.

  I shook my head. “You thought of everything, huh?”

  “I tried to,” he said shyly.

  “Who would have thought a snack bar would lead us to this? Life really is weird.”

  “I found you when I needed you most, and I won’t ever deserve you, but I’m going to try my best to give you everything. Because that’s what you deserve, nothing less.”

  His words were cheesy, but honest, and I held onto each one, locking them safely away in the confines of my heart for the nights I missed him most.

  We spent the night in that tent, talking, kissing, holding each other. It was perfect. And though we weren’t quite there yet, I was falling in love with him. It was a love that had been a year in the making, and it was a love I didn’t want to lose. But I knew better than to believe I wouldn’t. I was young, and teenage loves came and went all the time, but I’d hold onto him for as long as I could until I inevitably lost him. Because fate, as I’ve mentioned before, didn’t have us in her happily ever after. I didn’t think she ever would.

  “Happy birthday, best friend.” Becca pulled me into a tight hug. “Sixteen years old. Isn’t it as sweet as you hoped it would be?”

  I laughed at her ridiculousness. She had hit that milestone a couple of months before and had been giddy ever since. Apparently, for a lot of people, sixteen is the age that solidifies a young girl into a woman.

  “Oh yeah, I feel like a changed person already. Crazy, right? And it’s only been a few hours.”

  She pinched my arm. “Don’t be sarcastic, I’m serious. We’re one year closer to graduating and going out into the world on our own. We’ll need to start thinking about college soon and how we want to spend the rest of our lives. Sixteen starts the domino effect of all the things the universe has planned for us. It’s a big freaking deal Jade.”

  I sighed dramatically. “Fine, I guess you have a point. Of course I’m happy. You know just as well as anyone how excited I am for college, though I have no idea what I’m going to do once I get there.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing we have like two years t
o figure it out,” she reassured. “Do you have any plans tonight?”

  “Just dinner with my parents and the usual cake,” I said with a casual shrug.

  “Why you decided to forego a party, I’ll never understand.” She huffed.

  “That’s just not me. Besides, we have that game tonight and you know there’s always a handful of parties as it is. I promise, me not having one, isn’t going to ruin your Friday night.”

  “Ugh, fine. You’re right.” She smiled. “So, any plans with that mysterious man of yours? Though I still have reservations, I’m trying—keyword trying—to be supportive.”

  “We’ll probably meet up tomorrow, the usual.” I hoped, anyway. Jessica was due soon and Tian had been spending most of his free time with her. My heart ached at the reminder. But I couldn’t be mad or hurt, could I? He was being there for her, doing what he felt was right.

  It wasn’t easy on him, I could tell. He spent most of his free time with her when he wasn’t at work, except for his Saturdays, of course. Those were always reserved for me. For now, anyway.

  “You still don’t spend any other day but Saturday together?” Becca asked, eyes narrowing.

  “I mean, of course we have, I can just count on one hand the number of times that was and still have a couple of fingers left over.” I looked away from her as I said this, a little embarrassed at my situation or relationship or whatever the heck it was with Tian. I didn’t understand it myself, and I hated the way my best friend’s eyes turned to pity and judgement whenever I said anything out loud to her. She was the sensible side of me, and she didn’t like my predicament anymore than I did, which is why I think I kept him a secret from everyone else. Of course I knew what we had wasn’t ideal, but I liked him. A lot. And I liked what we had, most of the time anyway. It was easy to forget how not normal and complicated things were when we hung out one on one. But moments like these? They made me doubt him and myself, so I avoided them as much as possible.

  To be fair, I was almost certain he wasn’t yelling off of any rooftops about our thing either. I mean, we were almost two years in and I felt like a mistress more than anything else half of the time.