The Happiness List

by Annie Lyons

  Pamela saw red. ‘I am not about to tell you what to say. If you don’t know what to say to your wife of nearly forty years, then I’m not going to write it down for you. You need to work it out for yourself. And the same goes for Matthew. But I’m guessing you haven’t even tried talking to one another.’

  ‘We have talked.’

  ‘Oh really? Talked or argued?’

  Barry looked sheepish. ‘A bit of both.’

  ‘I thought as much!’

  ‘It’s not what you think.’

  ‘If you’re arguing, it’s exactly what I think. Well, you’re in for a shock if you think I’m coming back to a war zone.’

  ‘It’s not a war zone,’ insisted Barry.

  ‘It must be with you two going hell for leather.’

  Barry stared at Pamela. ‘You don’t know, do you?’

  Pamela frowned. ‘Know what?’

  ‘Matthew’s gone.’

  Pamela felt her stomach drop to the floor. ‘What?’

  Barry frowned. ‘He said he was going to email you.’

  Pamela wasn’t listening. Fury was rising up inside her like lava. ‘You’ve finally done it, haven’t you? You’ve finally driven him away!’

  Barry was shaking his head rapidly. ‘You don’t understand, Pammy. That’s not what happened.’

  Pamela prodded his barrel chest. ‘I understand all too well, Barry Trott. You drove him away and you’re glad – admit it!’

  Barry looked hurt. ‘You’re being very unfair, Pammy. That’s not true.’

  Pamela held up a hand. ‘Save your breath to cool your porridge. I’m going to speak to Doly – she’ll tell me the truth.’ She turned on her heel and hurried to the door without a backward glance. Barry shook his head ruefully as he watched her go.

  ‘Hey, Pamela, wait up. Are you okay?’ called Heather, who had seen her storm out and was jogging to catch up.

  Pamela’s body shook as she stopped, all her positive energy from earlier replaced with bristling fury. ‘That man! That man!’ she fumed.

  Heather put a hand on her arm. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Matthew’s gone – driven away by his own father!’

  ‘Matthew’s gone? Gone where?’

  ‘No idea so I’m popping round to Doly’s to ask if she knows anything.’

  Heather put an arm on her shoulder. ‘Would you like me to come with you?’

  ‘No, it’s all right, Heather. You go home, I won’t be long.’

  ‘I’ll have a glass of wine waiting for you.’

  ‘Thanks for being so supportive – if only I could say the same about my husband!’

  ‘He does love you, Pamela.’

  Pamela knew this was true but she didn’t want to hear it today. She needed to stay angry with him for now or nothing would ever change. ‘I won’t be long.’

  Pamela rang the doorbell to the flat above the shop and took a step back. Doly’s face appeared at the window of the first floor. ‘Oh Pamela, hello. Wait a moment, I’ll let you in.’

  ‘Thanks, ducks,’ said Pamela, pushing the door as it buzzed and walking up the narrow staircase.

  ‘Come in,’ said Doly with a smile as they met in the doorway. ‘How was the workshop? I was sorry I couldn’t make it.’

  ‘It went very well,’ replied Pamela. ‘But we missed you.’

  Two eager faces appeared behind her. ‘Liza won’t go to sleep,’ said one of the girls. ‘And Mum has confiscated her iPad,’ reported the other.

  Doly rolled her eyes. ‘You should all be in bed. Now go!’ The girls giggled before running off.

  ‘Sorry,’ said Doly. ‘Bedtime always seems to get later when Dev is away – I’m a very indulgent mother.’

  A mother after my own heart, thought Pamela. ‘I won’t keep you, lovey. I just wondered when you last saw Matthew?’

  Doly looked worried. ‘Yesterday. He came to get his final pay cheque. Is everything all right?’

  ‘Not really. He’s gone and I don’t know where. I don’t suppose he said anything to you?’

  Doly looked uncomfortable. ‘I’m not sure what to say. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.’

  ‘Tell me what?’

  ‘He’s gone to America.’

  ‘America! Whatever for?’

  Doly shook her head. ‘I don’t know. He told me that he was going for work but he didn’t say where or what. I’m sorry.’

  Pamela was flabbergasted. ‘Why would he go without telling me? Doesn’t he realize how much I’ll fret!’

  Doly put an arm around Pamela’s shoulders. ‘I’m sure he’s fine and that he’ll call when he can. Try not to worry. He seemed very excited about it.’

  ‘Did he?’ asked Pamela, brightening.

  ‘He did. And he is a good man. He worked hard for me and I know he loves you very much,’ assured Doly.

  Pamela patted her hand gratefully. ‘Thank you. That means a lot to me. You worry so much about your children, don’t you? Right from when they’re born and it never stops. In fact, the older they are, the worse it gets.’

  Doly nodded. ‘I’m sure, but he’s an adult and he’ll be okay. It’s hard but you have to let your children fly and make their own mistakes along the way. You are a good mother, Pamela, but your son needs his own life. And you do too.’

  Doly’s words echoed in Pamela’s mind as she walked back along Hope Street. She knew she was right. It was just that being a mother meant you never forgot the time they fell over and scraped their knee or came home from school crying because someone had been mean to them. It was hard to shake off the feeling that they didn’t need you in the same way and particularly hard with Matthew. He’d always been the one who needed her, who came back when he was in trouble. But then, Pamela had been the one who told him to stand on his own two feet, who’d finally cut the apron strings. Maybe he’d got the message but maybe she needed to as well. She felt a pang of guilt that she’d given Barry short shrift earlier. Perhaps she’d been a little harsh. Pamela wasn’t quite sure where this left her but she got the feeling that she was on her way to finding out.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Heather

  Happiness List

  1. Marry Luke!

  2. Sunday walk and choose wedding venue with Luke Fran & Charlie

  3. Exercise more (persuade Luke to go running?)

  - Boot camp with Fran & Pamela

  4. Go dress shopping with Gemma and laugh like we used to!

  Fran & Pamela - laughed like teenagers!

  5. Surprise Luke at work

  6. Ask Pamela for help with first dance for wedding!

  Heather rolled over in bed and glanced at the clock: 7.30 a.m. On a Saturday. When she didn’t have to work. Slightly annoying. From the sound of Luke’s steady breathing, she could tell he was fast asleep. Heather had gone to bed before he arrived home last night so she guessed he must have been late. She decided to leave him sleeping and go downstairs to make some tea. There was no sign of Pamela so Heather padded about as quietly as she could. She switched on the radio with the volume down low. She liked the companionable hum of background noise. She’d never been a person who felt entirely at home in her own company. Some people enjoyed being on their own but it always made Heather feel uneasy.

  As she carried her tea to the kitchen table, a song came on the radio that immediately transported her back to childhood. She had been eight years old and Gemma had come to stay for a sleepover. Heather could remember boasting to her school friends about this. They all knew Gemma because she was in Year Six, which was the ultimate in cool when you were in Year Four. Gemma was cool but as an only child like Heather, she loved having a younger cousin – someone to adore whilst Heather idolized her in return. Gemma had brought over her stereo and Heather remembered thinking this was the most fantastic thing she’d ever seen. It was red and silver and had a remote control. They listened to ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls on repeat and Gemma taught Heather the dance and the Mel B rap. Heather was Baby S
pice naturally whilst Gemma favoured Sporty. They recruited three of Heather’s bears to play Posh, Scary and Ginger. The memory made Heather want to laugh and cry – Gemma and her upstairs in her bedroom dancing while her mum made dinner downstairs. She hadn’t thought about it for the longest time.

  She reached for her phone and dialled Gemma’s number. Her cousin answered after three rings.

  ‘Heth?’ Her voice was heavy with weariness. ‘Are you okay?’

  Heather felt guilty. What was she thinking, phoning about a song on the radio? She should have just texted. ‘I’m fine. Sorry. I dialled without thinking. I just heard “Wannabe” on the radio and it made me think of that time you taught me the dance moves.’

  ‘Hm,’ replied Gemma – a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sigh.

  ‘Oh gawd, I feel bad now. You were sleeping, weren’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s okay.’

  ‘No. It’s not okay. Here’s me going on about the Spice Girls to an exhausted mother – I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Heather, you don’t have to keep apologizing. Seriously. It’s fine.’ Gemma’s voice was curt. Heather had noticed that she’d been like this the last few times they’d spoken and it worried her.

  ‘Gemma, are you okay? Is there anything I can do to help?’

  ‘Unless you can think of a way to stop Ed sleeping through every single one of Freddy’s bouts of crying, then not really,’ said Gemma bitterly.

  ‘Oh, hun, I’m sorry you’re struggling.’

  ‘I’m not struggling,’ said Gemma defensively. ‘Who said I was struggling?’

  Heather drew in a sharp breath. This wasn’t like Gemma. They’d argued when they were teenagers but never as adults. Her tone caught Heather off guard but then she guessed that motherhood and hormones did weird things to your body and mood. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound critical. You’ve just seemed a bit down lately.’

  ‘Yeah well, you try painting on a happy face with no sleep,’ she snapped.

  ‘Sorry,’ repeated Heather, unsure of what else to say.

  Gemma sighed. ‘No, Heth. I’m sorry – that was out of order. I shouldn’t take it out on you. I really, really shouldn’t take it out on you. You don’t deserve it.’

  ‘It’s okay. You can take it out on me as much as you like if it makes you feel better,’ she said kindly.

  ‘Dear Heather. You’re such a good person. You mustn’t let people take advantage of that, you know?’

  It was an odd thing to say but Heather put it down to more hormones. ‘I don’t,’ she said cheerfully. ‘And listen, I’m happy to have Freddy again if it gives you a break.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Gemma in a small voice.

  ‘Are you all set for the christening? Not long now,’ asked Heather, sensing it might be wise to change the subject.

  Gemma sighed. ‘Yeah, I think so. Mum’s sorted a lot of stuff for me so that’s a blessing.’

  ‘Personally, I’m very much looking forward to renouncing the devil on behalf of your son,’ she joked.

  Gemma gave a half-hearted laugh. Heather heard a piercing shriek in the background. ‘Oh great. I hear his master’s voice. I’d better go. Have a good weekend.’

  ‘You too,’ said Heather, wincing slightly as she said this. It sounded as if Gemma was in for a tough one.

  ‘Morning, beautiful,’ said Luke with a grin, strolling into the kitchen. ‘You’re up early.’

  She turned her face to kiss him. ‘Yeah, I was speaking to Gemma – she sounds very fed up at the moment.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Luke vaguely. ‘Poor Gemma.’

  Heather smiled at him. ‘Anyway. I’m glad you’re up because I’ve got plans for us.’

  ‘Oh yes,’ he said, leaning down to kiss her neck. ‘Do they involve me dragging you back to bed for a little pre-breakfast exercise?’

  ‘Good mor-ning!’ cried Pamela, breezing into the kitchen. ‘How about I rustle up some eggs for my dance students? Give you a bit of energy for our lesson.’

  Luke frowned. ‘Dance students? What lesson?’

  Heather grinned at him. ‘We’re heading to Hope Street Hall. Pamela is going to help us work up a routine for our first wedding dance.’

  Luke’s face fell. ‘Oh Heth, you know I’ve got two left feet!’

  ‘Don’t worry, lovey.’ Pamela smiled. ‘Once I’ve finished with you, you’ll be skipping round the floor like Fred Astaire!’

  ‘That’s going to be one long dance lesson,’ said Luke, sinking into a chair.

  Heather put her arms around him and kissed his cheek. ‘At least give it a try. For me? Please?’

  Luke regarded her for a second before shaking his head in defeat. ‘How can I resist you?’ he said, pulling her into his arms.

  ‘Ooh, don’t mind me,’ giggled Pamela, covering her eyes. ‘Young love, eh?’

  ‘I guess I’d better go find some sweatpants,’ said Luke, resigned to his fate.

  ‘Perfect,’ said Heather with a grin.

  The sky was thick with cloud and the first spots of rain were falling as they made their way along Hope Street. Pamela started to hum the tune to ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ and Heather joined in, hoping it might cheer up her surly fiancé.

  ‘Remind me why you made me leave the house,’ grumbled Luke, trying to pull his thin beige jacket over his head.

  ‘It’s going to be fun,’ insisted Heather, as Pamela opened up the hall and they made their way inside.

  ‘If you say so.’

  ‘Come on,’ she said, linking an arm through his. ‘We’re meant to be spending quality time together.’

  ‘Clearly we have different definitions of quality,’ he huffed, folding his arms.

  ‘Aww, don’t be grumpy. We’re only going to be here for an hour and then we can do whatever you like.’

  His face softened. ‘That’s good because I’ve got a surprise for you later.’

  ‘A surprise?’

  He nodded. ‘To make up for all my late working and not being around.’

  She looked into his eyes and smiled. ‘Have I ever told you that I love you?’

  ‘Yeah, but say it again.’

  ‘I love you.’

  He pulled her close and kissed her. ‘I love you too.’

  Pamela cleared her throat. They looked over to where she’d stuck two squares of masking tape to the floor. ‘Okay, my ducks. Let’s give this a go. I hope I can remember it – I’ve been Googling waltz tutorials like mad!’

  Heather looked at Luke. ‘See? This is going to be fun.’

  ‘Now the first thing is posture and hold. So, I want you to come and stand with your backs against the wall to make sure you’re nice and straight. No hunched shoulders please!’

  Luke winked at Heather as they followed Pamela’s instructions. ‘Excellent, now stand face to face and I want you to look at one another as if you’re the only two people in the world.’ Heather giggled as Luke stuck out his tongue. Pamela laughed. ‘You need to hold hands so, Luke, raise your left hand and take hold of Heather’s right hand. Great. And then, Luke, you cup your right hand on Heather’s left shoulder blade and, Heather, place your left hand on the seam of his jumper. That’s it! So then, Heather, you’ll move slightly to the right of Luke so that your knees don’t bash as you dance. There – you look perfect!’

  Heather stared up at Luke. He was smiling down at her and she wished she could pause this moment. She had his undivided attention for once and she longed to hang on to it for as long as possible.

  The problems began when they tried to start dancing. Luke’s assertions that he had two left feet weren’t entirely inaccurate. Pamela spent time showing them how to step around the square on the floor in a one-two-three pattern. Heather grasped it quickly but Luke was all over the place.

  ‘This is impossible!’ he declared.

  They were interrupted by someone bursting through the door of Hope Street Hall. ‘Pammy!’ cried Barry. ‘I saw the door was open and panicked. So
rry, I didn’t realize you were in here.’

  Pamela frowned before her face brightened with an idea. ‘Actually, have you got a minute, Barry?’

  ‘Me?’ asked Barry in surprise.

  ‘No, Barry Manilow standing behind you. Of course you!’

  ‘Oh. Right. Well – yes.’

  ‘Good, I need you to help me show Heather and Luke here how to do a waltz.’

  Barry frowned. ‘Oh right. I’m not sure. It’s been a while.’

  ‘Well, if you don’t want to help,’ retorted Pamela as if issuing a challenge. Luke raised an eyebrow at Heather who winced.

  ‘No, no, of course I’ll help,’ said Barry, hurrying over.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Pamela. ‘You dance with Heather, I’ll dance with Luke and then we’ll try and put it all together, okay?’

  Heather smiled at Barry as he offered his hand to her and tried not to laugh when she spotted Luke pulling faces behind his head. ‘All right, everyone?’ said Pamela, turning on the music. ‘Here we go, one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three, much better, Luke! Keep going.’

  ‘You’re a natural, Heather,’ said Barry as they danced. ‘You’ve got music in your bones.’ Heather grinned. It didn’t feel awkward dancing with Barry – it felt rather lovely. There was something very familiar about it. She realized that she was glimpsing a fleeting memory of her father dancing her round the kitchen like this. It brought an ache to her heart but comfort too.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said to Barry as the music ended. ‘I enjoyed that.’

  ‘Me too,’ he replied with a gallant bow.

  ‘Well done!’ cried Pamela. ‘That was a great first try.’

  ‘Will you show us how it’s done properly?’ asked Heather. ‘Please?’

  ‘Oh, I’m not sure,’ said Pamela with a frown, although the corners of her mouth were pulling into a smile.

  ‘Come on, Pammy,’ said Barry with a cheeky grin. ‘Let’s show these young ’uns how it’s done.’

  Pamela regarded him for a second before catching sight of Heather’s eager face. ‘Oh, all right then.’

  Heather wanted to hug herself as she watched them dance – they looked so natural and beautiful. Pamela moved with real grace and, for a stocky man, Barry was surprisingly light on his feet. But it was the way he looked at his wife that swept Heather away – as if she was the only person in the world. Pamela’s shoulders were stiff to begin with, but, as the two of them moved around the floor, she relaxed into the dance and her expression softened towards Barry. It was as though she was seeing an old friend again and realizing that she’d missed him.