The Happiness List

by Annie Lyons

  The sky was a beautiful shade of peach and lemon as she walked along Hope Street – it made her feel hopeful and positive, as if the world was somehow full of promise again. As she reached her house, the door opened. Barry stood on the front step wearing a tuxedo and a nervous smile. He’d clearly been looking out for her through the lounge window.

  ‘Pammy,’ he said. ‘You look beautiful.’

  As Pamela walked towards him, she forgot her annoyance for a moment. It was as if the years fell away. They were teenagers again, meeting at that first dance, star-struck, nervous and excited. She reached out a hand to him and he kissed it – a small, sweet kiss that brought a lump to her throat.

  Pamela allowed Barry to lead her inside. The walls and banisters were decorated with fairy lights. As he led her into the dining room, she noticed vases of fresh flowers and tea-light candles in jars on every surface. Her heart gave a skip of delight.

  ‘This is wonderful,’ she breathed, as Barry helped her out of her coat.

  ‘I had a little help,’ admitted Barry. ‘Actually, I had a lot of help.’

  ‘Don’t listen to him,’ said a voice behind them.

  ‘Fran!’ Pamela smiled, reaching forwards to hug her friend. ‘And Heather!’ she added, spotting her in the doorway.

  ‘And me!’ cried Charlie, bouncing into the dining room. ‘I did the lights and the flowers,’ she added proudly.

  ‘It’s wonderful,’ she said, opening her arms to them. ‘My happiness buddies,’ murmured Pamela as they gathered into a group hug.

  ‘We are merely the facilitators,’ said Fran with a grin, plucking two glasses of champagne from a tray and handing them to Pamela and Barry. ‘This evening is all about you two so take a seat, enjoy your champagne and we’ll bring you your starters in a second.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Pamela. ‘I mean it, really – thank you all.’ Fran, Heather and Charlie smiled with satisfaction before disappearing from the room.

  Pamela felt rather overwhelmed as they sat down at the table. No one had ever done anything like this for her before and she was jittery with nerves as she sat down opposite Barry. She smoothed a hand over the linen tablecloth, noticing the way that everything had been laid with table runners and napkins. A large jar of fairy lights sat between them casting a magical glow.

  ‘Is this all right?’ asked Barry nervously. ‘I tried to remember how you like it with that runner thing and the napkins but you know how cack-handed I am sometimes.’

  ‘It’s perfect.’ Pamela smiled. She held up her glass. ‘Cheers.’

  ‘Cheers,’ said Barry, seeming to relax a little.

  Fran appeared with two plates closely followed by Heather carrying the champagne bottle and Charlie smiling behind, her face eager and excited. ‘Madam, sir, may I present your starters?’ said Fran. ‘Smoked salmon pâté served with wholemeal bread from the esteemed Taylor-made bakery. Enjoy.’

  ‘I buttered the bread,’ said Charlie.

  ‘Clever girl,’ said Pamela, pulling her into a hug.

  ‘And a drop more champagne for you both,’ said Heather, topping up their glasses. ‘Bon appétit.’

  They disappeared back to the kitchen. Pamela glanced at Barry. ‘Doesn’t this look wonderful?’ she said. He nodded. The atmosphere felt uncomfortable, all the unsaid truths buzzing above their heads like flies. Pamela took a sip of champagne and felt her body relax. ‘So how have you been?’ she asked as she spread some pâté on the bread.

  ‘Oh fine, you know, busy in the garden. I’m enjoying helping Fran sort hers too – she’s a natural.’

  ‘That’s good,’ said Pamela. ‘She’s a lovely girl and she’s been through so much. She deserves to be happy.’

  ‘Yes, that’s very true. She does.’ Pamela took another gulp of her drink. ‘And how have you been?’ ventured Barry, wincing slightly at their over-polite chat.

  ‘Fine, thank you. I’ve been teaching some young mums to bake today.’

  ‘Oh yes. How did that go?’ asked Barry, visibly relieved to have thought of a question.

  ‘Very well actually – we all enjoyed it.’

  ‘That’s good.’ Barry nodded, with a slight look of panic as he tried to think of what to say next.

  ‘We made banana and blueberry muffins,’ offered Pamela, realizing that he was floundering.

  ‘Oh, those are delicious, Pammy – one of your best recipes.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  He nodded vaguely. ‘Absolutely delicious.’

  They had finished their starters and Pamela realized that she had also finished her champagne. She felt woozy but also discouraged. After a fortnight away from home, was this how their conversation was going to go? Was this all they had to say to one another? Maybe she’d been right to leave. Maybe you couldn’t stay connected to one person for your whole life. Maybe ‘till death us do part’ was just a big fat lie.

  ‘All done?’ asked Fran, peering around the door.

  ‘Yes thank you, lovey,’ said Pamela. ‘That was delicious.’

  Fran and Charlie cleared away the plates while Heather topped up the champagne. Heather was grinning at Pamela, trying to read her mind so Pamela gave her as reassuring a smile as she could muster. Moments later they returned with the main course.

  ‘Chicken and mushroom pie with mashed potato, carrots and greens – Barry said it was your favourite,’ said Fran.

  ‘I chopped the carrots,’ said Charlie.

  ‘They look amazing,’ Pamela told her.

  ‘And some wine,’ added Heather, pouring them each a glass.

  Pamela glanced over at her husband who was gazing back with a look of uncertainty – like a little boy asking for a sweet. She smiled again. ‘This looks amazing. Thank you, thank you all so much.’

  ‘Like I said, we were mere helpers – this is all down to Bazza,’ said Fran. ‘Right, we’re going to leave you to it. Barry, are you okay with the iPad or do you want me to show you again?’

  ‘No, I’ll be fine. Thank you, Fran, Heather, Charlie – you’ve been wonderful.’

  ‘It’s our pleasure,’ said Heather with a grin. ‘Have a lovely evening.’

  ‘Yeah – have all the fun!’ cried Charlie, reaching over to hug first Barry and then Pamela.

  Pamela squeezed the little girl to her and looked into her eyes. ‘Never change, Charlie,’ she said.

  ‘I’ll try, although I would like to be a bit taller,’ said Charlie earnestly.

  Fran laughed and put an arm around her daughter’s shoulder. ‘Come on, you,’ she said, leading her towards the door.

  ‘Aww, I wish we could stay,’ said Charlie.

  Fran shook her head. ‘Not tonight but listen, we’re going to go home now, order pizza and watch a movie.’

  ‘Yessss!’ said Charlie, punching the air. ‘Can Heather come too?’

  ‘If she’s got nothing better to do,’ said Fran, looking at her.

  ‘I would love that,’ said Heather.

  ‘Double yesss!’ declared Charlie. They laughed. Fran paused at the door to give Pamela a big thumbs-up. She smiled in reply. There was a hubbub of Charlie’s excited chatter as they left the house and then silence as the front door clicked shut behind them.

  ‘Well,’ said Pamela, wishing that Charlie was still there to fill the space with cheerful noise. ‘This is all perfect.’

  ‘Is it?’ asked Barry with genuine concern. Pamela flicked her gaze towards him. ‘Because things haven’t exactly been perfect, have they, Pammy?’

  Here it comes, thought Pamela. She was pleased at how calm she felt. She was ready for this. She stabbed a carrot with her fork. ‘No, I suppose they haven’t.’

  ‘I know things got out of hand with Matthew and I am sorry.’ Pamela nodded encouragement. This felt like progress and she realized she needed to listen too. ‘I suppose I was just trying to protect you from being disappointed but I ended up making things worse.’

  ‘It was like a battle zone, Barry.’

  �
�I know. Which is why I gave Matthew the money to go to America.’

  ‘Did you?’ Pamela stared at him in surprise and saw a kind man, trying to do the right thing.

  ‘We talked properly and he told me about his dream. It felt like the right thing to do. He’s promised to pay me back and I trust him now.’

  ‘It’s important to listen and trust,’ admitted Pamela. ‘I’m sorry if I didn’t listen to you.’

  Barry nodded. ‘At least we’re trying now, eh? I’m so glad you came here tonight, Pammy. I want things to be how they were. I want you back.’

  Pamela took a deep breath. She knew she’d jumped to the wrong conclusion about Matthew and was glad that they’d called a truce but she still needed Barry to listen to her. To hear what she needed. She looked him in the eye. ‘I don’t want things to be how they were, Barry. I want things to be different.’ It gave her courage just saying this out loud.

  ‘O-kay,’ said Barry uncertainly. ‘Is this because I wouldn’t go dancing with you?’

  ‘No!’ cried Pamela. Barry looked shocked as Pamela shook her head. ‘Not really, although that sort of goes to show everything that’s wrong with us!’

  Barry stared at her in desperation. ‘Please, Pammy. Please tell me. I want to make things better – I’m sorry.’

  She looked at him, hopeful that he might finally be listening. ‘I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks about who I am. Me. Pamela. A sixty-five-year-old woman. The world writes you off when you hit my age and it’s hard to work out who you are. I’ve spent so many years being a wife and mother. And now the kids have grown up, they don’t need me anymore and I miss that – I miss being needed. I miss the small arms round my neck and the noses to wipe.’ She gave a fond smile before continuing. ‘But I’ve accepted that – I’ve had to. And I’ve found other people who need me – Angel and her friends and Heather and Fran and dear Charlie, she’s become like a granddaughter to me. Do you know, I felt needed and appreciated for the first time in ages? And it made me happy, Barry, really happy.’ Barry was watching her face with rapt attention, as if he was seeing his wife for the first time. ‘And then there’s you and me,’ she went on. ‘Barry and Pamela. Husband and wife. I’ve done a lot of thinking about us too.’

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Barry looking worried.

  Pamela nodded. ‘Yes. I feel as if you take me for granted, Barry. As if you’ve stopped seeing the woman you fell in love with. You go through the motions, eat your meals and then lose yourself in your garden. You spend more time with your roses than you do with me!’ Barry’s face was sad and full of regret. ‘And I know I’m just a frumpy old woman. I know I’m a bit fat and wrinkly but I’m still a woman and I’m still your wife. I still need you to notice me, to need me.’ She wiped away a stray tear and looked at him. ‘I had to tell you the truth before it’s too late.’

  Barry stared at her for a second before nodding. ‘Wait here,’ he said, disappearing from the room.

  Pamela sat for a moment wondering if this was the end. Maybe it was too late. She’d poured out her heart to him and he’d said nothing. Surely she deserved better than that. She heard the opening strains of ‘Fly Me to The Moon’ float through the speakers and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

  Barry appeared before her, his face smiling. ‘Remember this?’

  Pamela nodded. ‘Of course – it was playing the first night we met.’

  He held out a hand. ‘Dance with me, Pammy.’

  She hesitated for a second and then smiled as she stood up. Barry gave a small bow before pulling her close and they began to dance. She wondered if she might be transported back to that night, their first dance surrounded by other dancing couples who became a blur as she and Barry lost themselves in one another. But she felt very much rooted in her house, in this moment – the thrill of being close to her husband was there but it was sixty-five-year-old Pamela experiencing it and it felt like a new kind of wonderful.

  As the music finished, Barry kissed her hand. ‘I’m not good with words but I’ll do my best. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known. From the moment I met you, I knew that I couldn’t live without you. I love you more than my roses, crumble and custard and everything else that’s good in the world.’ Pamela gave a tearful laugh. ‘I am sorry if I have ever made you feel less than the adored woman you are and deserve to be. Forgive me, Pammy, but don’t leave me – I’m nothing without you.’

  Pamela stared into his eyes. It was quite simply the loveliest thing anyone had ever said to her. ‘I do love you, Barry Trott, and I will stay but there need to be changes.’

  ‘Absolutely.’ Barry nodded. ‘Whatever you need.’

  Pamela smiled because she believed him. He had listened and he understood. ‘So what’s for dessert?’ she asked.

  ‘We-ell, I did make this cake…’

  ‘You made a cake!’ she laughed.

  ‘It didn’t turn out very well.’ He winced.

  ‘Show me.’

  Barry disappeared to the kitchen and came back moments later with a sponge cake that looked more like two biscuits sandwiched together with buttercream. ‘It’s terrible,’ said Barry, shaking his head.

  Pamela took his face in her hands and kissed him. ‘It’s wonderful. But it’s not what I want for dessert – well, not yet anyway. Shall we go upstairs?’

  A look of shock closely followed by delight spread across Barry’s face. He put down the cake and kissed his wife again. She smiled, took his hand and led him from the room.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Heather

  Happiness List

  1. Marry Luke!

  2. Sunday walk and choose wedding venue with Luke Fran & Charlie

  3. Exercise more (persuade Luke to go running?)

  - Boot camp with Fran & Pamela

  4. Go dress shopping with Gemma and laugh like we used to!

  Fran & Pamela - laughed like teenagers!

  5. Surprise Luke at work

  6. Ask Pamela for help with first dance for wedding!

  7. Help Pamela & Barry fall in love again

  ‘Dear friends,’ said Nik, ‘it pains me to break this to you but after today we only have two more sessions!’ There was a collective groan of disappointment. ‘So, I thought it would be helpful if we took a brief moment to review our own happiness lists to see where we are and what we can do to realize our goals. Let’s take fifteen minutes to discuss with our buddies.’

  ‘I like to think of mine as a work in progress,’ declared Fran, holding out her journal for inspection.

  Pamela and Heather took the book and studied it for a while, their brows furrowed with concentration. Pamela smiled. ‘I think you’re making great progress, lovey. You do the digital detox with the kids – Charlie has told me how much she loves that – and I always see you out with Alan.’

  ‘And you’re doing the gardening,’ said Heather. ‘And helping the local community by—’ she read out loud ‘—“working myself into an early grave by helping local elderly people get control of their overgrown gardens”.’

  ‘Most fun I’ve had in ages,’ admitted Fran.

  ‘And you did try going out with Gary,’ offered Pamela.

  Fran winced. ‘Poor Gary. I’m making progress with everything apart from men.’

  ‘I think you need to stop giving yourself such a hard time,’ Heather told her. ‘Grief is ongoing, it never leaves you. You’re finding a way to live around that and you’re doing brilliantly. I basically hid from mine until I found Luke.’

  Fran nodded. ‘I wish you’d been my counsellor, would have saved me a lot of bother. And money.’

  Heather laughed. ‘Keep going – you’ll get there.’

  Fran smiled. ‘Thanks, fam.’

  ‘What about you, Heather?’ asked Pamela. ‘How’s your list going?’ Heather held open her notebook for inspection. ‘Aww, Heather, you put Barry and me on there!’

  ‘All you need to do is tick off that big “marry
Luke” goal and you’ll be living the dream,’ said Fran with a grin.

  Heather nodded. She couldn’t believe how much had happened in the weeks since she’d written this at the top of her list – her ultimate happiness goal, the thing that would finally complete her. And yet, she’d had her doubts. She knew Luke loved her but she’d questioned his commitment to their relationship with all the late-working and broken promises. Still, they seemed to have turned a corner since their weekend away. Something about him had changed, as if he’d suddenly got it. He understood what she needed – what they both needed.

  ‘And is he still working all hours, Heather?’ asked Pamela, looking concerned.

  Heather shook her head. ‘Since our weekend away, he’s been home by seven every day. It’s all good.’

  Pamela patted her arm. ‘That’s great news! I’m glad you’re getting to spend a bit more time together – you need that. I expect it helps not having me under your feet.’

  ‘Not at all – I miss your cakes and your face!’ said Heather. Pamela smiled. ‘Anyway, we’ve got Freddy’s christening this weekend and I’m looking forward to it. Gemma knows Luke – she was the one who introduced us in the first place – but it will be good for him to meet my aunt and uncle properly. They’re the only family I have left now.’

  ‘Here’s hoping the baby doesn’t puke in the font, like Jude did at his,’ remarked Fran.

  Heather and Pamela laughed.

  ‘So, tonight’s topic is resilience,’ said Nik a while later. ‘It may seem unusual to have it as part of this course, but, in fact, resilience is a big part of maintaining happiness because without it, we aren’t able to bounce back when life is tough. And if we are unable to bounce back, we’re left feeling helpless and hopeless.’

  ‘Been there, done that,’ muttered Fran. Heather gave her a sympathetic nudge.

  ‘Obviously, we have to deal with all sorts of difficult situations in life,’ said Nik. ‘We have big issues to cope with – money or job worries, illness or grief. But, of course, there are smaller examples – when people are unkind or rude, or we feel lonely or sad. My point is, that if something impacts you in a negative way, it is important to have the tools to be able to cope and not allow it to hold you back. So, let’s have a brainstorm now where we offer ideas or suggestions of things we’ve done which have helped to lift us when times are tough. Anyone?’