Mail Order Man

by Heather Gray

  Sarah had been delighted throughout the week to hear new and interesting news from various people. It appeared Sally, the woman who had made the triple layer chocolate cake, was soon to be married. She had been spending time with the young man who won her cake at the auction. He was easily ten to fifteen years her junior, but the two were obviously in love. Sally glowed in a way Sarah had never before seen. For as long as she’d known Sally, Sarah had thought the woman appeared to be carrying a heavy weight on her shoulders. She had always been exceptionally nice, one of the first to show kindness to others. Until Sarah saw the sparkle in Sally’s eyes and the bounce in her step this past week, though, she had never truly seen the woman joyful. Her sons were coming in for the wedding, which was to be held as soon as they arrived, and Sally couldn’t wait for them to meet the man she was going to marry.

  Some of the townsfolk were treating Roger, her intended, with caution. It wasn’t usual for a young man to marry someone so much older. People figured he had sweet talked her and was after her farm. No one seemed to have any qualms about loudly voicing their opinions on the matter. Sarah began to understand what Mayor Smith had been talking about when he said perception matters. Gaining the trust of his neighbors would be difficult for Roger if the distrust with which they were already treating him was any indication.

  The happy couple had already completed pre-marital counseling with Reverend Green, though, and the reverend seemed satisfied that Roger was sincere. While Reverend Green’s word might change some minds, it would not change all. Roger would have a difficult road ahead of him finding a place within this tight-knit community.

  Sarah had only met Roger once. He had come into the stage office this past week to mail a letter. After completing his business, he had asked Sarah if she was going to question his intentions toward Sally.

  “No,” Sarah had responded.

  When he asked why not, she’d answered him, saying, “I assume you’ve already been questioned enough to have come up with some good lies if you’re not sincere.”

  “And if I am sincere?” he’d asked.

  Scrutinizing him, Sarah looked deeply into his eyes, and saw no guile. Knowing she wasn’t always the best judge of character, she told him, “I pray you are. Sally deserves no less.”

  “Right you are,” Roger had replied as he tipped his hat and exited the stage office.

  Sarah also saw Mrs. Jones during the week. The woman sent letters off to two of the men Sarah had selected for her. It would likely be a couple of weeks before any replies came back, but Sarah believed Mrs. Jones would hear back from the men she had written. She had much to offer, and Sarah had put a lot of prayer into her search through the letters to find matches for Mrs. Jones.

  The Fitzgerald family had been keeping a low profile. The younger kids all came to town for school and went straight home afterward. Sarah had not seen any of the kids, but John, their teacher, had told her they all reverberated with tension. He had tried to ask one of the boys how Mary was doing and had been summarily told to stay out of the family’s business. Mary had not been seen in town at all, and Mr. Fitzgerald had only been seen at the saloon.

  The mayor assured Sarah that Sheriff Spooner was keeping an eye on things. Sarah, for her part, prayed for the family daily but had not been granted leave to visit them again. Mr. Fitzgerald was simply too dangerous and unpredictable for Mayor Smith to allow her a trip out to the farm.

  As Saturday came to a close, Sarah walked with a skip in her step toward her “second home” at Mayor and Mrs. Smith’s. Samuel appeared to be getting stronger each day, and Sarah was certain Doc would be releasing him soon. Sarah had high hopes for her relationship with Samuel. She thrilled at the memory of him telling her he would come courting. Excitement shot through her like lightning when she remembered Mayor Smith telling her Samuel had asked for her hand in marriage.

  Sarah worked her bottom lip, though, as she recalled that Samuel himself had said nothing untoward since he had been shot. There had been no references made to getting to know her better, and he certainly had not alluded to marriage. She wondered if he had changed his mind, if something in her had pushed him away. While he seemed to enjoy her company just fine, she got no sense of the romantic from him. The intensity that used to be in his eyes, the look that would cause her to lose her train of thought and forget what she was going to say, seemed to be gone. In its place was the light-hearted gaze of a person who enjoyed her company, but who saw her as nothing more than a kind neighbor. He had only a short time ago been shot, though, which could explain a lot, Sarah told herself.

  Because she secretly feared his answer, Sarah had not asked Samuel if his feelings for her had changed. She had kept her mouth closed up tight on the subject. The last thing she wanted was his rejection hanging between them while they were more or less living under the same roof. Determined to simply enjoy every moment she could have with him, she shoved thoughts of the future aside. If he had changed his mind, then he would be walking out of her life someday, and she wanted a chance to store up as many memories of him as she could before anything like that happened.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sarah arrived at the mayor’s house, but Samuel was not in his room. She knew he had been up and walking around increasingly each day, but this was the first time he had ventured outside the sitting room that had been converted for his use.

  Before she could go in search of Mrs. Smith or Minnie, Sarah heard a commotion on the stairs. Doc Billingsly slowly came down, followed by Samuel and Minnie. Samuel collapsed into a chair in the foyer. He seemed winded but did not look as ashen as Sarah might have expected.

  Questions jumbled through Sarah’s mind, looking for an escape. She chose the most innocuous question she could think of to voice. “How long has this been going on?”

  Three pairs of eyes shot straight to Sarah’s face, guilt clearly pooled in each. Doc made excuses about house calls and swiftly made his escape through the front door. Minnie heard an imaginary voice calling her from the kitchen and beat a hasty retreat in that direction. Samuel remained in his chair, looking sheepish.

  “I wanted to surprise you.”

  “Isn’t this rushing things a bit?”

  Samuel laughed and answered, “It’s not my legs that got shot. I’m fine. Besides, Doc says I can go home tomorrow. Gotta get my strength up so I can walk the distance to John and Ida’s house.”

  “You can’t possibly be thinking of walking that far!” Sarah exclaimed. “Surely a buggy would be better.”

  Sarah was so busy ringing her hands and watching Samuel’s body for signs of wavering or weakness that she missed the twinkle in his eyes and the smile on his lips. When she finally did notice them, she sank into the only other chair in the foyer. “It’s not polite to jest at a lady’s expense, you know.”

  “Ah,” said Samuel, “but it is sometimes too much fun to resist.”

  With that, Samuel got up and moved his chair nearer to Sarah’s and then sank back down into it. She noticed he was using a cane and eyed it warily.

  “It’s merely a precaution,” Samuel told her, “in case I suddenly feel weak. I’ve hardly needed it.”

  Sarah was tempted to worry there might be something more going on that no one was telling her, but she secretly found the cane to be dashing. It gave Samuel quite a debonair look. The word rapscallion came to mind.

  “Sarah,” said Samuel. “You have been such a help to me these past several days. Each day has been brightened with your wonderful company. I want to thank you. You have been the highlight of my recovery.”

  Certain she heard a “but” coming next, Sarah merely peered at Samuel. Uncertain of exactly where this conversation was going, she watched his face for any indication of the direction he was heading with those remarks, but his eyes gave nothing away. They reflected kindness and compassion, but she saw nothing deeper in them, no true affection, no love. Sarah had sensed this day coming.

  Tensing in anticipation, she knew
Samuel was going to kindly thanking her for her friendship and cast her aside. She had worked, twisted and molded this scenario in her mind several different ways and always came to the same conclusion. Nothing was going to take away the memories she had of Samuel, and she wanted to be able to treasure every single one of those memories. There would be no memory of him breaking off a relationship that had never truly had a chance to start; she would see to it. Samuel would not be allowed to discard her or say the words she knew would pierce her heart worse than a thousand sharp daggers. If she was going to spend the rest of her life looking back on her time with this man, she wanted to remember him in a good light with no memory of him telling her they were not meant to be more than friends.

  Sarah hadn’t been certain what she would do, but as soon as Samuel started thanking her politely, she made up her mind. She gave him the brightest smile she had to offer. She poured into that singular smile all of her admiration and gratitude for the things about life and herself that he had helped her to see.

  There had been so many changes in her heart these past weeks, all thanks to Samuel’s presence in her life. He had awakened her to the potential of a closer, more personal relationship with her Savior. He had shown her how important it is to care for other people compassionately and deeply, not merely on the surface. He had helped her to realize compassion needs to be backed up with action if you want it to be meaningful. Sarah had learned from Samuel that a person can be both light-hearted and even downright fun while still being responsible and committed. Her life would never be the same.

  Knowing she did not want a brush off from Samuel to color the picture of him she held in her heart, Sarah stood, back straight, confidence in every line of her body.

  “Thank you, Samuel. I, too, have enjoyed our friendship. Spending time with you these last couple of weeks has been enjoyable. The way in which I look at both the world and God has been forever changed. I wish you all the best in your life and your endeavors here in Larkspur. This town is blessed to have you.”

  Unable to resist one last touch, Sarah held out her hand. Samuel reached out and enveloped her hand in his, simply holding it, not shaking it as she had intended.

  ****

  Samuel sat there, Sarah standing before him. Her hand was in his, and he had no intention of letting go until she gave him her full attention. Despite his earlier bravado, he was not quite strong enough yet to want to risk standing up while he had a hold on Sarah, afraid he would topple them both if he lost his balance. Instead, he remained sitting, looking up at her.

  The doctor had mentioned some gossip in town to him. Knowing Sarah would be the one to get burned, Samuel had not wanted to add fuel to that particular fire. In addition, he wanted to honor Mayor and Mrs. Smith while he was a guest in their home, even more so because Sarah was presently residing in their home also. If he started something with Sarah, Samuel wasn’t sure he would be able to stop himself from following through. Though he knew she was okay, the strong emotions that had overwhelmed him when he believed she had been killed still simmered right under the surface, looking for an outlet. For these reasons, Samuel had kept things strictly friendly between them, even more so when other people were present. He had thought he was protecting Sarah, but clearly he had taken it a bit too far if she was planning to walk out of his life with nothing more than well-wishes and a handshake.

  ****

  “Sarah,” he said in an unusually somber voice. “Will you please look at me?”

  When he gripped her hand without giving her the handshake she’d expected, Sarah’s eyes began scouring every inch of their surroundings, every inch except Samuel’s face. He wasn’t letting go of her hand, and she didn’t know what to do. Tears burned the backs of her eyes, but, as testament to the growth and change in her, she did not flee. She was confident God would see her through, and that confidence radiated from her, even though her heart was being squeezed by painful bands of turmoil.

  She lifted her eyes to Samuel’s, and as their eyes connected, she gasped softly at what she saw. At the same time, she heard his quick intake of breath.

  ****

  Samuel looked deeply into Sarah’s eyes. He was awed to see the woman standing before him. The girl he had been steadily falling in love with all these weeks was gone. A woman of wisdom and integrity had taken her place. Maybe no one else would notice the change in her eyes, but he saw it clearly. Even though she would have rather had her say and leave, she was standing her ground, solid on her feet, looking him square in the eyes. He had thought her beautiful before, but this new Sarah was breathtaking. The beauty that shown forth from her drew him like a lighthouse beacon to a lost fisherman. Looking into her eyes, Samuel felt as though, for the first time in many a year, he had come home.

  ****

  Looking into Samuel’s eyes, Sarah saw what she had been missing since the shooting. She hadn’t even known what to call it but had simply known it was absent. Now that she saw it there in Samuel’s eyes, though, she knew exactly what it was: passion. Before her stood a man who was not only responsible and committed, but rather a man who was also passionate. Passionate about his life, passionate about his faith, passionate about his path, and passionate about her.

  The look in Samuel’s eyes danced into Sarah’s heart and eradicated the bands squeezing it so torturously. His gaze sent a fire burning through her, and yet she felt no pain. What she saw in Samuel’s eyes rooted her to the spot, grounded her, reached into her soul, and left her feeling as though she’d been enveloped in a bone-crushing embrace. Sarah peered deeply into Samuel’s eyes and saw the passion with which he would protect her, provide for her, and cherish her.

  “Oh,” softly escaped Sarah’s lips as a whisper. She sank back into her seat, her hand still enveloped in Samuel’s.

  “Marry me.” That was it. Just two words. No big flowery speech. No declarations of undying love. No poems about her beauty. Just two words. Two words spoken softly in an almost guttural whisper. Two words that turned Sarah’s world upside down and inside out.

  “I was going to leave. It seemed as though your feelings had changed and you were trying to let me down easy.”

  Sarah could see the truth of his feelings in Samuel’s eyes, but she wanted to understand the sudden change. Her answer was not in question, but she still wanted an explanation.

  ****

  “I know.” Samuel paused before offering a softly spoken and heartfelt, “I’m sorry.” He went on, his voice gaining in strength. “I was trying to be a good guest. I was trying to get all of my strength back before I declared myself to you. I was trying… don’t ever leave. Marry me.”

  Samuel’s words were raspy with restraint. He wanted to pull this woman into his arms, claim her mouth as his own, and never let her go. He didn’t want her to ever be out of his sight again. The terror that followed the shooting, not knowing whether or not she was safe, the nightmares where he saw her die a thousand deaths, they all still haunted him. He wanted Sarah where he could see her, touch her, smell her, feel her, so he could continue to reassure himself she was alive and well and safe. The self control it took for him to remain sitting here in this spot, holding nothing but her hand, had every muscle in his body clenched.

  Sarah gazed into his eyes, and he had the feeling that she was trying to see clear to his soul. Not knowing what else to do, he let down the barriers he normally kept in place and hoped that she could see all of his feelings for her as she continued to look deeply into his eyes.

  A genuine smile that told Samuel many wonderful things finally broke through and shone on Sarah’s face. She leaned in and softly kissed him on the cheek, her lips soft against the unshaven roughness of his skin.

  Sitting back, Sarah put her free hand on top of the hand he was using to hold hers. Looking straight into his eyes, she said with bold confidence, “I love you Samuel Livingston. We need to talk and get to know each other better. I know much about you, but I don’t in actual fact know any of those things fro
m you. Can we learn to talk to each other and be open with one another? Being less guarded – I… I know I need to work on it. If you can agree that we need to work together to build what we have into something lasting and fantastic, then yes, I will marry you. It would be an honor and a privilege to call you husband.”

  Samuel did stand then, using his cane for balance. Once he was steady on his feet, he pulled Sarah up to stand before him. Cupping her face tenderly in his hands, he leaned in to kiss her. He paused right before their lips touched, giving her a chance to pull away if she wanted. When she didn’t move, he closed the rest of the distance between them.

  ****

  Sarah had never been kissed by a man before. She didn’t quite know what to expect. The tenderness Samuel showed her, the gentleness with which he kissed her, moved her in a way that made her treasure this man all the more. Needing his strength to keep her steady, she lifted her hands to his shoulders. Her hands worked their way into clutching the fabric of his shirt, and she leaned into Samuel further, wanting to be closer to this man whom she loved, oblivious to the power she held over him.

  Samuel broke the kiss off and stepped away from her. Sarah felt bereft and alone and hot and cold all at once. She touched her lips with the fingertips of her right hand and said with wonder, “That was amazing.”

  The kiss left her wanting… she wasn’t quite sure what, but “wanting” was the only way she could think to describe her feelings. She wanted to see if Samuel felt the same awe she felt, and she raised her eyes to look into his. What she saw there took her breath away. Maybe someday she would tell Mayor Smith that passion could be both a degree and a type of feeling. With an inner chuckle at the thought, Sarah realized that even now Samuel was teaching her new things about life and love and how to live.