Tales from a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen
Page 5
“Listen, you idiots!” I said impatiently. “I was going to offer to help you FIND whatever it is that you lost! But since you obviously don’t know WHAT you’re looking for, I won’t bother!”
“MacKenzie, thanks. But please, just mind your OWN business!” Chloe said all snotty-like.
“Yeah, we GOT this!” Zoey added, glaring at me.
Sorry, but I couldn’t resist it any longer.
“Fine! Then I WILL just mind my OWN business! I just hope you didn’t lose your stupid little diary, Nikki! Because if it ever gets into the wrong hands, all your DIRTY little secrets will get out and this entire school will know what a big PHONY you are! Especially Brandon!”
OMG, Nikki! When I said the “D” word—DIARY—you looked like you’d just seen a ghost!! I really wish you could have seen your face! It was PRICELESS!!
The three of you just stared at me in complete shock with your mouths dangling open.
I wanted to pull out my cell phone and take a snapshot of you guys.
And then post it at: #YouHaveNoIdeaHowStupidYouLookRightNow.
Anyway, you and your BFFs completely TRASHED your locker!
But you STILL didn’t find your diary, did you?!
POOR BABY !!
Well, I better get to class!
I completely lost track of time, and the bell just rang.
I have to admit, this diary stuff is starting to get kind of addicting!
TOODLES!
TUESDAY, APRIL 15
Dear Nikki,
I’m having a HORRIBLE day today!! And it’s all YOUR fault !!
Today at lunch I was completely torn between the tofu salad and the tofu burger since I am very particular about what I eat.
I finally decided on the teriyaki tofu salad with honey ginger dressing and a chilled bottle of Mountain’s Peak spring water. WHY? Because the tofu burger had a huge fly buzzing around it. EWW !
Anyway, just as I was about to sit down at the CCP table, I saw all my friends laughing hysterically at a video of some stupid girl freaking out because she had a bug in her hair.
I was going to watch it and laugh too. Until I realized SHE was ME!!
ME, IN SHOCK THAT MY FRIENDS ARE LAUGHING AT ME!!
Suddenly my stomach started to feel very sick and QUEASY. Not from the video, but from the flashback to that fly buzzing around the tofu burger I almost ate! YUCK !
I could NOT believe my friends would actually stab me in the back like this. Even my so-called BFF, Jessica.
I have never been so utterly HUMILIATED in my ENTIRE LIFE!! My reputation at this school is RUINED!!
I’m so upset right now I could just . . .
SCREEEEEEEEAM!! !
So, Nikki, would you like to know why I HATE you so much?!
NO, you DON’T want to know?! Well, Miss Smarty-Pants, I’m going to tell you ANYWAY!! So just deal with it! Here’s my list! The SHORT one!!
GO AHEAD, NIKKI!! READ MY LIST!!
10 REASONS WHY I HATE YOU!!
1. You CHEATED to WIN the avant-garde art competition!!
2. You totally RUINED my birthday party by SABOTAGING the chocolate fountain!!
3. You competed in the TALENT SHOW and landed a RECORD DEAL even though your application was INCOMPLETE (like, WHO names their band Actually, I’m Not Really Sure Yet?)!!
4. You WON the “Holiday on Ice” show, and EVERYBODY knows that you CAN’T ice-skate!
5. You TOILET-PAPERED my house!!!!
6. You tricked me into DIGGING through a DUMPSTER filled with GARBAGE in my designer dress at the Sweetheart Dance!
7. You actually KISSED my FBF (future boyfriend), BRANDON!!
8. You pretended to be seriously HURT during dodgeball so that I would get DETENTION (which, BTW, could totally RUIN my chances of getting into an Ivy League university)!
9. You put a nasty STINK BUG in my hair!!
And the HORRIBLE THING that I just found out TODAY . . .
10. You’ve completely RUINED my reputation and HUMILIATED me, because now the ENTIRE school is passing around that AWFUL video of me having a meltdown about the bug that YOU put in my hair.
I am so NOT making this stuff up!!
It’s quite obvious you’re trying to completely DESTROY my life!!
Things are SO bad at this school that ONE of us has to GO!
It’s either YOU . . .
Or . . . ME!!
And if Principal Winston won’t KICK you out of this school for RUINING MY LIFE . . .
I’M TRANSFERRING TO ANOTHER SCHOOL!!
And I mean it!! I’ve had it up to HERE with you, Nikki Maxwell. You are NOT going to get away with this.
Just admit it!
If YOU were ME, you’d HATE yourself TOO !
TOODLES!!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16
Dear Nikki,
I’m so upset right now I could just . . .
SCREEEEEEEEAM!! !
The ENTIRE school has seen that video! And now everyone is laughing at me behind my back.
The CCP girls are giggling.
The CCP guys are chuckling.
The cheerleaders are snickering.
The football team is snorting.
The cooks in the cafeteria are cackling.
I hate to admit it, Nikki! But right now I’m an even bigger JOKE at this school than YOU are!
I was really shocked to see you and your BFFs in school today. I thought you guys were supposed to be in New York City, hanging out with your favorite authors in celebration of National Library Week!
According to the latest gossip, at the very last minute you and your BFFs decided to give your trip to Marcy, Violet, and Jenny so you guys could stay in town and work on the big book drive for the school library.
Sorry! But I don’t believe that LAME excuse for one minute!
The TRUTH is, instead of enjoying the exciting sights and sounds of the most FAB city on this earth, YOU chose to stay at school moping around hopelessly depressed, digging through trash cans, scouring bathroom stalls, and searching every nook and cranny in a desperate attempt to find that precious little DIARY of yours!
OMG! I felt SO sorry for you I ALMOST shed a tear. Until I remembered my mascara might run, and goopy black tears streaming down my normally flawless face wouldn’t look very CUTE.
Unfortunately, Nikki, you’re NOT going to find your diary anytime soon. WHY? Because I’m sitting right next to you in class WRITING in it!
Like, how IRONIC is that ?!
And since you’re partially responsible for me having such a ROTTEN and MISERABLE day, I thought it was only fair that I do something special for YOU so you can feel the same way.
That’s why I tapped you on your shoulder and whispered, “Nikki, I just saw a book that looked exactly like your diary in the library! I think it was on a bookshelf. Or near a pile of books!”
YOU AND YOUR BFFS, SEARCHING FOR YOUR DIARY IN THE LIBRARY!
YOU AND YOUR BFFS, STILL SEARCHING FOR YOUR DIARY SIX HOURS LATER !!
And yes, I realize that tricking you into spending countless hours searching in vain for your diary in the library was a cold and heartless prank.
But do I need to remind YOU of all the SHADY things you’ve done to humiliate ME?!!
For starters, you CHEATED to win the avant-garde art competition. You’re definitely an artist—a CON artist !
That sorry display of the tattoos that you drew was hardly what I’D call art.
Everyone knows I should have won first place!
My brilliant entry could have changed the fashion world as we know it.
My cutting-edge concept would have allowed YOU and other fashion-challenged SLOBS to undergo INSTANTANEOUS MAKEOVERS!!
MY FAB-4-EVER INSTANT FASHION MAKEOVER KITS
My fashions are PERFECT for the cute and trendy girl who was viciously PRANKED into digging through a FILTHY Dumpster for a nonexistent piece of designer jewelry during the Sweetheart Dance!
A girl like ME !!!
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And if she’s smelling like three-week-old Dumpster juice and has a slimy, rotten banana peel stuck to her face, both SHE and her fab fashion can easily be splashed with laundry detergent and sprayed down with a water hose right in her own backyard!
I could have made MILLIONS on this idea and become one of the hottest fashion designers in the world! But I didn’t! And it’s all YOUR fault, Nikki !!
Anyway, I’ve noticed that you and Brandon barely speak to each other now that you’ve become totally obsessed with finding your lost diary.
It must be heart-wrenching to see your wonderful friendship with him just shrivel up and DIE like a slimy snail on a hot sidewalk.
It’s no wonder you look so sad and depressed.
Mere words cannot express the intense emotions I’m feeling right now.
Except maybe . . . YAY ME !!
Sorry I’m NOT sorry!
But please don’t get too frustrated about not finding your diary. I have lots of great ideas for where you can look for it.
TOODLES!
THURSDAY, APRIL 17
Dear Nikki,
Great news!
I’ve finally found the PERFECT school!
All I have to do now is convince my parents to let me transfer!!
I can’t believe this could actually be my very last week at this CRUDDY school!
YAY ME !!
North Hampton Hills International Academy is one of the most prestigious private schools in the nation!
And it’s only twenty-seven minutes from my house. Or ten minutes, if Daddy lets me fly by private helicopter.
Instead of sweaty, smelly sports like football and basketball, it has VERY classy ones, like sailing, horseback riding, fencing, and polo.
And most of the students travel abroad every year. Please don’t be jealous, but I’ll probably be spending the summer in PARIS !
YAY ME !!
And since I’m going to have lots of cool new friends, I can’t wait to throw a big birthday bash at the country club and invite them all.
Thank goodness YOU won’t be around to SABOTAGE my party like last time!!
I was the first person EVER at school to invite a SEWER MUTANT like you to a party!
And how did you repay my generosity ?!!
I can almost forgive you for scarfing down all the hors d’oeuvres like a starving barnyard animal.
I know you love wing-dings because they fill that empty void in your miserable little life.
But the coup de grâce was that stunt you pulled with the chocolate fountain.
I know there was a nasty rumor going around at school that my ex-BFF, Jessica, purposely knocked your plate of fruit into the chocolate fountain and splashed chocolate all over your new party dress just to be MEAN!
But that is so NOT true!
Jessica went so far as to PINKIE SWEAR that she saw YOUR dress get splattered while YOU were secretly dumping TRASH into the fountain to sabotage it so it would malfunction!!
YOU, AT MY PARTY, PUTTING TRASH IN THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!
WHY? Because you were insanely jealous that I looked way cuter in my Dior dress than you did in that recycled DISHRAG you were wearing.
But, Nikki, HOW could you be so CRUEL as to DRENCH me with chocolate at the moment I was taking my picture for the SOCIETY PAGE?!
ME, FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!
I had so much chocolate on me that I felt like a Godiva truffle with LEGS!
Then everyone started LAUGHING at me and taking PICS with their cell phones!
It was HORRIBLE!! For once I was ALMOST as UNPOPULAR as YOU!
I was so FURIOUS, I wanted to . . .
SCREEEEEEEAM!!! !!
You were lucky you left my party when you did!! Otherwise, you would’ve experienced what “death by chocolate” really means !
Now, can I ask you a personal question about something you wrote in your diary?
WHY on earth would you write your USERNAME and PASSWORD in your DIARY?! Do you realize that some very emotionally disturbed individual could steal your diary, read it, and see this highly confidential information just sitting right there on the page?
And if the person is really CRAY-CRAY, she could break into the Miss Know-It-All advice column that you SECRETLY write for the school newspaper (according to your diary)! She could wreak TOTAL HAVOC on the entire student body! With just a few clicks, the entire world as you know it could be completely destroyed!!
Then YOU’D get blamed for cyberbullying, kicked out of school, and—
WAIT!!! ONE!!! MINUTE!!! NO! This CAN’T BE TRUE!!!!!!!
YOU’RE the real MISS KNOW-IT-ALL??!!
And THIS is your real PASSWORD???!!!
OMG!! I CAN’T EVEN . . . !!
ME, ON MISS KNOW-IT-ALL, SECRETLY VOLUNTEERING TO HELP WITH YOUR ADVICE COLUMN!!
Anyway, you should be thankful I WARNED you that some PSYCHOPATH could steal your username and password, break into your Miss Know-It-All website, and WREAK HAVOC on the entire student body.
You’re very LUCKY that I, MACKENZIE HOLLISTER, stumbled across your information.
And NOT some deranged, vindictive, diary - snatching DRAMA QUEEN!!
TOODLES!
FRIDAY, APRIL 18
Dear Nikki,
*YAWN!*
I’m really tired today!
Wanna know why, hon?!
Because I stayed up half the night answering letters from the LOSERS who write to your Miss Know-It-All advice column.
I must admit, I was a bit surprised by what I read. I had no idea that the students at this school led such PATHETIC lives!
Anyway, I’m super excited because on Monday, April 28, I have a big SURPRISE for you !!
And when Principal Winston reads the Miss Know-It-All column that I secretly helped you write, he’s going to be FURIOUS!!
You’re going to get SUSPENDED for CYBERBULLYING so fast it will make your head spin!
Anyway, here are copies of my two favorite letters and the advice I gave:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Miss Know-It-All,
I worked really hard to make the eighth-grade cheerleading team this year, but the other cheerleaders treat me like I don’t belong. I never get to do much cheering or dancing like they do.
The only time the team captain needs me is when we do the human pyramid, and she always puts me at the bottom! I have to hold the most people on my back, which is totally excruciating, and if I lose my balance, the whole pyramid collapses and everyone bullies me about it!
I’m tired of those girls walking all over me. Literally! I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of treatment, but it’s pretty obvious they all hate my guts. !
I’m majorly frustrated! I don’t know if I should quit the team, confront my teammates, or just keep quiet so I don’t make things worse. I really don’t want to give up my dream of making varsity! What would you do??
—Cheerless Cheerleader
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Cheerless Cheerleader,
Hon . . . I think you’re kidding yourself if you think you made the cheerleading team based on your awesome moves. My reliable source on the team told me your tryout routine was HOR-REN-DOUS. She said she couldn’t tell if you were trying to dance or going into convulsions!
Your backflips were BACKFLOPS, your cartwheels were FLAT TIRES, and your dismount was totally DISGUSTING! Get the picture?
You were chosen for one reason, and one reason alone—you look like a sturdy ogre who can carry a lot of weight! It’s been a long tradition for cheerleading captains to hand-pick strong, ugly girls for the bottom of the pyramid. Didn’t you know that??
Quit taking everything so personally! Just accept that the bottom is where you belong, sweetie! You should hold your green, Shrek-looking head high that someone actually wants you for something. Bet that doesn’t happen often! Yay you!
Miss Know-It-All
P.S. My source wants you to stop dancing. She says you’re giving the squad NIGHT TERRORS!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
OMG! My letter was so MEAN!! OUCH!! !!
Now, this next letter really tugged at my heartstrings. It was hard to be cruel to this poor guy, because he seemed genuinely distraught.
I felt so sorry for him that I actually e-mailed my advice response to him last night.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Miss Know-It-All,
I have a good friend, and she’s smart, funny, and kind.
But lately we haven’t been getting along and it’s all MY fault. Between a nasty rumor at school and me not telling her much about my personal life, she doesn’t trust me. And I don’t blame her one bit.
Whenever I try to talk to her in class, she just seems down and kind of distracted, like something is really bothering her. I’m starting to worry about her, and I really miss our friendship.
What can I do to fix things?
—Massively Cruddy Friend
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Massively Cruddy Friend,
It sounds like you really messed up big-time, bro!
By the way she’s acting, it might be too late to rescue this relationship. It looks to me like she wants you about as much as she wants a week-old bowl of moldy oatmeal.
You need to let her know that you care about her ASAP! But NOT with a quick and impersonal e-mail or text.
Since she obviously doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you, don’t push her. I suggest you write a sincere apology letter and tape it to her locker right before class so that you can see her reaction. Also, make sure you ask her to meet you after school someplace classy so you can talk. Hint: Most girls LOVE the CupCakery!