by Syd Parker
Lex could feel the insecurity in the gaze that Cassidy was focusing on her. She felt a twinge of guilt but pushed it aside. She kept telling herself it was work and nothing else that kept her from sweeping Cassidy into her arms and making love with her. Her trip to Seattle was something she had needed. Time to get some clarity and wrap her head around the chaos her brain was feeling.
She stole a glance at Cassidy, and her heart went out to her. Two months ago, this had been the woman she was going to marry, albeit somewhat reluctantly. She did love her, Lex didn’t question that. What made her question everything was Aspen’s face flashing in her mind all the time. It was as if the past five years had been erased, and they were right back where they left off, building a life together. She knew it was only her sentimentality talking, but there were times when Lex let herself believe that the feeling was her reality and not a distant dream.
Lex slid her eyes back to her laptop, but she felt Cassidy’s gaze again, and she hoped that her face hadn’t reflected her train of thinking. She closed her laptop and pushed Aspen to the back of her mind or at least made an attempt to. There was a beautiful, half—naked woman in front of her, one who loved her with all her heart and would do anything to make her happy.
Lex pulled Cassidy towards her and felt her nestle in between her legs. She slid her hand under Cassidy’s shirt and splayed her palm against her stomach, feeling Cassidy’s muscles tense reflexively. She slid her other hand around Cassidy’s neck and pulled her lips towards hers. The first touch was warm and soft, the fires of desire yet to burn deep in her stomach. She heard Cassidy moan, and her hips pressed into Lex’s core.
Cassidy pulled her lips away and grabbed Lex’s hands, pulling her off her stool. Her eyes were dark with desire. “Now. I want you inside me now.”
Lex let her guide her to the bedroom, praying that her mind would shut down, and her body would take over. She watched Cassidy slide the shirt off her shoulders, and her heart jumped at the sight of her perfect breasts. She closed the distance between them and cupped Cassidy’s breast in her palm. She felt Cassidy’s hands slide around her neck and their lips met again, this time Lex pushed everything out of her mind except the two of them.
Cassidy’s body pressed into Lex, and she moaned as Lex deepened the kiss. “God, I missed you. My body missed you. I need your touch.” She pushed Lex’s hand inside her panties and pressed her fingers into her slick wetness.
Lex felt her stomach jump. Her vision went hazy, and she felt her body take control. Her clit hardened and she pushed deep inside Cassidy, feeling wetness flood her fingers. She felt Cassidy push against her, matching Lex’s even strokes.
“Please baby, make me come.” Cassidy slid her tongue into Lex’s mouth and stroked it deftly. Years of love—making had made them attuned to each other’s bodies and the touches that would send them over the edge. She bit Lex’s lip.
Lex felt the pressure on her mouth and knew Cassidy was close. She wrapped her arm around Cassidy’s middle and pushed deeper inside her, finding a spot within her and stroking deftly. Her thumb massaged Cassidy’s clit and she felt it harden to a taut bud, pulsing with increasing speed. She deepened the kiss and within seconds, Cassidy’s body trembled against her, and she swallowed her moans of pleasure.
When Cassidy came down, she laid her head on Lex’s shoulder and kissed her neck, her hand snaking inside Lex’s waistband. She felt Lex still. She pulled back and searched Lex’s face. “Come on, baby. Let me take care of you.”
Lex smiled and kissed her lightly on the mouth. “I’m okay. Later.”
“You sure?” Cassidy pushed. “I know you’re close.” She slid her fingers into Lex’s body and smiled. “Lay down, Lex.” Cassidy tried to pull her to the bed. It wasn’t like Cassidy to push her. Lex had always been the aggressor, and their relationship had always been somewhat one—sided in that aspect. However, Cassidy felt her world slipping away and did the one thing she thought would cement them together again. It was wrong she knew, to try to change now, but for so long, this arrangement had worked. Lex was a top and she gave selflessly, more interested in Cassidy’s enjoyment than in her own.
Lex shook her head. She pulled Cassidy’s hand away from her body and held her still. Her heartbeat hammered in her head and between her legs, but she didn’t feel the need to come. The dull ache wasn’t enough to open herself up and let Cassidy inside. For the first time since they had been together, she felt as though she was cheating on Aspen.
She shook her head and hoped that Cassidy didn’t see how fucked up she was. “I’m fine.”
Cassidy sensed the wall going up and wondered if she would be able to make Lex happy. She always struggled with the feeling that Lex had never been fully hers. That was part of the reason she pushed so hard to get married. Maybe her fear of losing Lex pushed Cassidy to hold on as tightly as she could. She loved Lex, there was no question about that, but she wondered for the first time if she was marrying her for the right reason or just a desperate attempt to hold on. To keep her world from being ripped out from underneath her if Lex ever left.
Cassidy pushed into Lex’s arms and kissed her softly. “I love you.”
Lex returned the kiss before pulling away again. “I love you too.” She saw the uncertainty in Cassidy’s eyes, and she pulled her into her arms, holding her tightly. She wasn’t sure what to say. She hoped she could show her without words that she was in love with her, or at least convince herself that she was. Unconsciously, Lex compared the feel of the woman in her arms to the feel of the woman in her mind. So similar, yet so different.
They hadn’t known each other long before she and Cassidy had moved in together. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Cassidy, but it had always been on a different level than how she loved Aspen. That had been an all-consuming love that had burned within her. It made her ache. There were times when she craved Aspen so much that she felt her heart would explode in her chest. She loved her so much it hurt.
Lex felt Cassidy stir in her arms and part of her wished it was Aspen. Hadn’t it always been that way? No one could compare to Aspen, and the love that they had shared. No matter how much she loved Cassidy, it paled in comparison and Lex was suddenly forced to accept that perhaps she had been trying to fill that void. Trying to duplicate those feelings with Cassidy. I’ve always tried to find someone like you.
The realization was somewhat freeing. She had a choice now. She could accept that she couldn’t replace Aspen. She could let herself love Cassidy the best way she knew how. They had a good life. Lex thought it could be great if she let go of the past. Maybe that’s why Cassidy had been okay with her doing what she needed to do to let go. She knew that was the only way that Lex could truly move forward, by letting go of the past. She owed it to her to at least try.
A sense of clarity washed through Lex, and she knew that she needed to find a way to say good-bye and let go so that she could move on and give herself completely to Cassidy. She just had to figure out a way to stop craving Aspen and that in itself seemed almost impossible.
Chapter 7
Lex bounded up the steps and opened the door anxiously. It had been four days, seven hours, and…she glanced at her watch…twenty—two minutes since she had seen Aspen. But who’s counting? Oh right, her. “A? Aspen? I’m home.” Home. It had a nice ring to it. It wasn’t really her home, only a temporary stop, but over the past two months, it had begun to feel like home. Or, more accurately, Aspen started to feel like home.
Aspen wasn’t home. Lex’s shoulders sunk dejectedly. She walked into the kitchen to grab a drink. “Might as well work.” She grabbed a beer, twisted the top off and took a long draw before she set the bottle down. Her eyes flicked to the island. It was then she saw the note. I’m at Aunt Ginny’s painting. Be back later.
Lex set the note down and frowned. She glanced at her watch again. Three—thirty. Aspen probably wouldn’t be home for at least two hours. That gave her plenty of time to finish her column for the day. Her ed
itor was already on her for her sudden proclivity for tardiness. A habit she’d only recently reacquired because of her latest distraction. She grabbed the bottle off the island and went to get her laptop. She opened it and stared at the screen.
Twenty minutes later, she was still staring at the flashing cursor, no closer to finishing the column then when she started. Her thumb picked at the corner of the label on her beer bottle, a sure sign she was distracted. Or maybe sexually frustrated. She shouldn’t be. She’d stayed in the city last night and Cassidy welcomed her back with open arms. Even after they had made love, Lex felt an odd emptiness. She attributed it to their time apart. Once the divorce was final, and she moved back home, things would certainly return to normal. She would finally be able to move on. Wouldn’t she?
“Fuck it.” Lex snapped her laptop shut and set it on the coffee table. She leaned out of the chair and popped her back. God, what I wouldn’t give for a massage. It always took her a couple of days to unwind after a trip. Lately, it seemed like old age was creeping up on her and the traveling was taking a bigger toll on her than before. Maybe it was time to start thinking about a regular job again. One that kept her home more.
Lex grabbed the remote and flipped through channels. She stared at the screen, not seeing what was on and had watched fifteen minutes of Barney before she realized what she was doing. Swearing again, she stabbed the off button and tossed the remote onto the couch. She stood up and paced the room, unable to keep still. Finally, she let herself accept the reason for her restlessness. She wanted to see Aspen.
She left the house and started down the path towards Aunt Ginny’s house, unable to contain her smile. It was easier this way, just accepting that seeing Aspen was what she thought about the entire time she had been gone. It should have worried her, but she shook it off. She was in love with Cassidy. What she felt for Aspen was friendship. They had, after all, been friends before they had been lovers, and she hoped they could be again.
As she covered the distance to the house, her eyes took in the scenery. The leaves had morphed into brilliant red, oranges and yellows almost overnight. The hills around the farm looked like they were on fire. She inhaled deeply, and the scent of fall filled her nose. The only sounds she heard were the birds and a gentle breeze ruffling the trees around her.
Her years in the city had clouded her memories until she had all but forgotten the mystical allure of the country. This place was magic, and it had weaved a spell in and around her and settled within her. She knew leaving again was going to be difficult. She just hoped it wasn’t as hard as it was the first time.
The closer she got to Aunt Ginny’s, the stronger the pull. Maybe, it wasn’t this place that tugged at her, perhaps it was the people. Or person, to be exact. It didn’t matter, in the two months since she had gotten here, she had felt more alive than she had in five years. She took the steps two at a time and rapped on the door.
“Lex.” Aunt Ginny propped open the screen door for her to come in.
“Hey, Aunt Ginny.” Lex had always called her that, and it seemed time had not erased the tradition. They had simply fallen back into the old and comfortable relationship they had shared before. She stepped over the black and tan fur ball running circles around her feet. “Hey, Guinness.” She bent over and rubbed his ears and was rewarded with a round of yips and a wet hand.
“Guinness, behave.” Ginny nudged him back with her foot and led Lex into the kitchen. Aunt Ginny had been the one person in Aspen’s family that didn’t hate Lex for leaving. In fact, she understood it a little herself. Having never been able to have children herself, she knew all too well the hurt. There had been a time when she had left her own husband. She had finally come home when she realized that Neal loved her no matter, and they didn’t need children to be complete. She may not have been happy with the way that Lex left, but she understood it. “How was the trip?”
Lex rolled her eyes. “Long.” She took the glass of lemonade Ginny handed her with a gracious smile. “Thanks.”
Ginny waved her hand dismissively. “I remember how much you loved my homemade lemonade.” She pulled out a chair. “Sit.”
Lex hesitated, and Ginny chuckled softly. “She’s painting, Lex. You’ll see her soon enough. For now, you can keep me company.”
Lex smiled shyly and regarded Ginny thoughtfully. She looked the same now as she had before. Soft, graying hair framed an oval face. Her blue eyes twinkled. Lex had once said that Aspen didn’t take after her mother, but her aunt instead. Not only had she gotten her eyes, she had inherited the same mischievous streak that Ginny possessed. Aside from the thirty-year difference in ages, they could have passed for sisters. “Okay.”
“So, where was it this time?”
“Seattle. The Seahawks against the Niners. Everyone is saying San Francisco has a chance this year. They have a decent coach, and Smith has got an arm on him.” As Lex spoke, she relaxed into the chair. “Might have a run at a championship this year.”
Ginny laughed. “Oh, Lex, you know I don’t know a thing about sports. I haven’t seen even so much as five minutes of a game since Neal passed away.”
“True.” Lex joined her laughter. “Then how about I tell you about everything but the game.”
“As long as you let me make you something to eat while you’re telling me.” Ginny squeezed her arm, stood up and began bustling around the kitchen. Lex shook her head. Ginny was a lot like her own mother. Always trying to feed her. Fortunately, she was feeling a bit hungry, so she silently accepted the offer. “Grilled cheese okay? I have a pot of vegetable soup just about ready to eat.”
“Sure.” Lex watched her lift the lid, and the aroma of veggie soup filled her nostrils. She had forgotten how much she enjoyed a home-cooked meal. She had no business in the kitchen, and Cassidy didn’t do the normal wife thing. Most of their meals consisted of restaurant fare or Chinese takeout from their favorite spot around the corner from their loft. “Can I help?”
Ginny waved her offer away. “Sit. Relax.”
She pulled ham and taleggio cheese out of the fridge and set them on the counter next to a loaf of what Lex surmised to be homemade bread. She turned around and gave Lex a hurry up twirl of her finger. “Tell me all about Seattle.”
“It’s different, faster. Very artsy and the people are really nice.” Lex swirled the ice in her glass. “And the views. Well, the views are, well let’s just say even you would approve.” Lex paused momentarily. She was surprised that Ginny’s approval mattered, and yet somehow it seemed as though she should expect that now. “The city sits right on Puget Sound. It is surrounded by mountains. Mt. Rainier, Olympic National Park, Mt. Baker. It’s gorgeous really. No wonder people pay as much as they do to live there.”
“It sounds lovely.” Ginny slid a large pat of butter into a hot skillet, and it sizzled loudly. She laid two thick slices of bread into the skillet, layered them with the ham and taleggio and topped them off with a second slice of bread. The aroma permeated the kitchen, and Lex found herself wandering closer to the stove to watch. Ginny smiled at her over her shoulder. “So, how was the food? Do those Seattle folks know how to cook?”
Lex chuckled softly and kissed Ginny’s cheek. “Not even close to yours.”
Ginny smiled. “Charmer.” She swatted Lex’s bottom and pointed down the hall. “Go get Aspen. She hasn’t eaten all day.”
“Aye! Aye!” Lex saluted Ginny with a wink and scurried out of the room before Ginny could swat her again.
She knocked on the door to the studio and when Aspen didn’t answer, she pushed the door open and stuck her head in. “A?”
Aspen jumped and swiped at her eyes. “Lex.” Her voice trembled.
“Aspen, are you okay?” Lex stopped beside her and tried to see her face. “Are you crying?”
Aspen pushed her away and stared out the window. “I’m fine.”
Lex grabbed her chin and spun her around to face her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” As
pen shook her head and rubbed her hand over her nose. “I said I was fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” Lex’s eyes held hers. “Talk to me.”
“It’s nothing, okay.” Aspen’s eyes pleaded with her to let it drop. “I’m just having a moment.” She scrubbed her palms over her eyes. She was silent a second longer before breaking into a sad smile. “What did you want?”
“Aunt Ginny. Dinner.” Lex stammered. She had never been able to look at Aspen when she cried. It was never very often and the few times she had, Lex had pushed her to it. She wondered if that was the case today. She met her gaze, and her heart broke for her again. She pulled her eyes away before she said something stupid.
Her gaze flicked to a sketchpad. It was a charcoal sketch of a woman’s profile. Her eyes were closed. Dark hair framed her face. Her face was almost completely shadowed except for the graceful curve of her neck and the small spot at the base of her neck. Her hand rested on her chest in gentle repose. Lex felt Aspen’s eyes on her, and she smiled. “It’s beautiful.”
“She is.” Aspen whispered softly. They both recognized Lex’s strong features. Aside from that, it was a pose she remembered well. Her head resting on Aspen’s lap, eyes closed, content to just be. They stared a moment longer, sharing a walk down memory lane and feeling the painful ache of a love that had flourished and died before its true potential was reached. In that brief respite, Lex felt her own heart cry.
Aspen waited for hers to shatter. She held her breath ready to feel the devastation that she was certain would come and when it didn’t, she started. Something tugged at her and turned the corners of her mouth up. It wasn’t despair. It was hope, and for the first time since her heart had started to die, she felt like living.