Free Bird

by Amelia Oliver

  “Owen,” I sigh, feeling my eyes well up too.

  “I can’t do this, Missy.” He shakes his head and looks down at her photo.

  Putting my hand on his jean clad leg, I squeeze it and really have no idea what to say.

  “Shine’s a memory I don’t want anymore. It hurts too much to remember what we had. I’d rather pretend it was a dream than live on knowing it was real. Such a small piece of time. I should’ve done more, been with her longer. The moment Jasper brought her to the clubhouse, I knew she was supposed to be mine and I should’ve just fucking taken her.”

  “But, Maven. You have to remember Shine for her-”

  “No!” he yells. “I can’t…I fucking can’t…and you won’t tell her either. I don’t want to talk about Shine anymore. I want everything of hers out of the house. If you and Gwen don’t want to do it, I’ll have some prospects throw everything out.”

  I look at him, my brows furrowed as his words and demeanor confuse me.

  “You don’t want Maven-”

  “To know about her mom? No…I don’t want her to hurt the rest of her life, trying to remember someone she won’t remember anyhow. She already thinks she left us, leave it at that.”

  I feel thickness clog my throat, wanting to react and defend and protest. But for the first time in my life, I stop and think. This is Owen’s life, his decision. Maven is his daughter and if this is what he wants, then so be it. No matter how I feel about it.

  “Gwen and I can clean it out,” I tell him, standing and turning for the door.

  With heavy hearts, Gwen and I clean out everything of Shine’s from their house, putting things we want to keep into boxes and donating the rest. It was stressful sitting there and going through what I thought Maven would want of her mom’s when she got older. With all Shine’s things gone, the house looked barren and sad. All the life Shine had brought to the place, with her stones, candles, feathers and lace, was dead without her.

  **

  Time went on. The kids got older, and little by little, Maven stopped asking where her mom was. It took restraint I didn’t know I had not to tell her about Shine. Every time I would hear someone tell her Shine had left her, or eventually when she got old enough, to hear Maven say the words, broke my heart. Owen was a shell of himself and as much as I wanted him to step up and make Maven his only concern, that was not to be the case. He often went on every run possible, just to be away from Plantain. I felt it was my duty to be there for Maven as much as I could, so, she often stayed with us when she wasn’t with Ida and Ivan.

  This however caused an even larger rift between me and Kendall. As if she didn’t already hate me enough, seeing me not only with her little brother, giving him love and attention she said I never gave to her, she now had to deal with seeing me with a child that wasn’t even mine, treating her the way Kendall thought I should’ve been with her. Any form of loving memory she had for me was erased during my drug use. She only remembered the shitty things I did the one year of her life she still dwells on daily.

  The year Kendall graduated from high school, she announced she was moving to Montana for school. I looked over to Sven for his reaction, since she didn’t ever want mine. His brow furrowed as he slowly nodded and she beamed at him like he hung the moon, before flinging herself into his arms. I thought the move, some distance, might allow our relationship to rebuild and strengthen. A whole school year passed and she didn’t talk to me once, only to Sven and Dornan over the phone. She was doing well in school and loved it there. She loved it so much, she chose to stay during summer break.

  “Give her time,” Sven would tell me.

  Time. Time. It felt never ending, but also so short. I imagined a lifetime as time enough to grow old and feeble, but with Shine’s passing so young, I knew it could end tomorrow. One day, I sat down and wrote Kendall a letter. Fifteen pages later, I felt like I was able to explain everything that happened in her life up until she decided I wasn’t her mom anymore. Some of it might have been too much for a daughter to read about her mother, but I hoped that even if she didn’t understand it now, that she would, in time.

  The next chapter of my life began after Kendall’s departure. I know that sounds terrible, but when she was here, if I held Dornan too long, or showered him with kisses, all I felt were Kendall’s eyes burning into my back.

  Dornan, Joey, and Maven were getting older, and were the best of friends. It was more than being close, more like siblings in a way. They were a unit, an impenetrable force that stuck together and were one. It was like they could tell what the others were thinking or about to say. They never did anything without the other two and it made me happy to know that not only did my boy have great friends, but that Maven wasn’t alone. I wanted Maven to be strong and independent, all the things I know Shine wanted for her. Shine had left her family at a young age and depended on men to fund her and take care of her, something I know Shine never wanted for her daughter. One time when I went to pick Maven up from Ida’s and she pulled me aside and asked me why I condoned Maven’s habit of lying. I felt distain for Ida, who felt it was her place to help Kendall and Gaye reconnect. If she had a problem with the way Maven was being raised, then she should talk to her son about that, not me. I was only following the role Owen wanted me to condone for his daughter. The way Owen wanted her to be, loyal to the club, to the family, that’s all.

  The kids were only twelve or so the first time Milton dropped Dornan and Maven off at the house after receiving a call someone had broken into the roller rink in Bannister and found those two, along with Joey, vandalizing the inside.

  Sven had been the president of The Warrior of the Gods since Ivan retired a while back, Sven’s dad died and everyone was growing up. Sven handled the discipline, so when I told him what the kids had been caught doing, he just said, “Kids will be kids.”

  My day to day was full of…nothing. I couldn’t get a job in town not only due to my reputation as a thief, liar, and drug dealer, not to mention a biker Prez’s old lady, but also to keep a low profile and not work in any of the surrounding towns. I remembered back to my early twenties and how I wanted so much with my life, to be independent and have a good job. I went out into the real world and clearly failed, now here I am. So, instead of pitying myself, I was thankful every day I was alive and kept myself busy with cooking, cleaning, doing my hair and nails, rearranging the house and redecorating, and being a mom.

  One morning in the shower with Sven, he was groping my chest and told me he felt something hard inside one. I shrugged it off, assuming it was because my period was coming or a clogged milk gland. But the lump didn’t go away.

  Today Sven and I sit in the doctor’s office in Plantain. I’d taken tests yesterday and was called to come in to discuss the results. I was prepared for the worst, and I debated on if I should have asked Sven to come, but when I called him to tell him I needed to go in, he met me there from the clubhouse.

  “You didn’t have to come,” I tell him, attempting to keep my voice level, but seeing him, all I wanted to do was hug him and beg him not to make me go inside.

  “Yeah, okay,” he says in a sarcastic tone as he takes my hand tightly and we walk in.

  We sit and wait in the lobby, and then in the doctor’s office. The time passes slowly, slow enough I get more anxious and have time to cook up ideas on how to escape. Finally, Dr. James comes in gives me a sympathetic look as he sits down across from us.

  “So, am I dying?” I joke in an attempt to break the ice, but the look Sven gives me clues me in that my comment was anything but funny.

  “You’re not at stage four yet. But if this goes untreated it will only get worse.”

  From that moment on, Sven clings to me. It’s an odd behavior for him. Like if he lets me go then I’ll be gone forever or something. Cancer didn’t scare me for some reason and I don’t know why. Maybe deep down I knew it wasn’t my time or something. But Sven was obviously frightened, and I think I needed to be the optimistic
one in the situation.

  We sit at the kitchen table, silently lost in our thoughts and wait for Dornan to come home from school. I assured Sven he could go back to the clubhouse and finish whatever he was doing, but he just shook his head and didn’t budge. Dornan’s face when he entered the kitchen instantly had my emotions rising. This is the one thing I dreaded having to do. He looks between us, instantly knowing something is wrong and remains in the doorway.

  “You’re sick,” he states.

  I nod.

  “How…sick?” he asks, his voice trembling as he looks away from me.

  “Nothing I can’t beat,” I tell him.

  His cheeks redden and I watch as he tries to hide his emotions.

  “You should’ve gone to the doctor earlier,” he chastises me and I nod.

  Then his fists cover his eyes as he begins to cry and I’m instantly there and holding him. “Are you going to die?” he stammers.

  “I don’t plan on it.”

  His arms wrap around me as he cries on my shoulder and I know I need to be the bravest I’ve ever been for the sake of my two boys. Sven had called Kendall to tell her, yet we hadn’t actually spoken. I would’ve given anything in that moment to hear her voice, to talk to her. Maybe part of me wished my illness would bring us closer, as fucked up a way of thinking that is, I still hoped.

  At first, I tried homeopathic remedies. Drugs were the last thing I wanted pumping into my veins again. For months and months, I tried to cure myself. But seeing that what I was doing was only hurting my son and Sven, and the lump wasn’t getting smaller, I opted for a double mastectomy. The day of my surgery, Kendall was there, looking worried and hanging back as I was being prepped. From the moment we told Dornan I was sick until they wheeled me in for surgery, my boy clung to me like a lifeline. I prayed that the surgery would make me better for him, and for Sven. I didn’t want to see them sad or looking at me with that look I can’t stomach anymore.

  During recovery, Kendall stayed with us. At first, she’d linger in the doorway, asking me how I was every morning as I lay in bed. Until after a few days, she eventually ventured in, wordlessly laying down beside me in bed as we watched soaps on T.V. I didn’t want to ruin the time by bringing up the past, so I relished in the company. Through commercials and some soap storylines, I got her to talk to me, not about anything heavy, but college and her life in Montana. It felt like sunshine on my face when she looked in my eyes and spoke, and I knew that no matter what, she hadn’t lost love for me. The morning she left to head back to Montana, we agreed to try talking on the phone at least once a week to which I felt like my whole world lit up.

  While I was on bed rest, I also received a vase of daisies from Milton every Friday, just like when I worked with him. There was never a card attached, but I knew they were from him.

  Sven tried talking me into double D breast implants with my next surgery, but alas, I opted for the C’s I was meant to have. It took me only a few weeks to feel back to human and I was happy to hear the results of my next exam; there was no more cancer. I felt like finally some good news had come my way, and the relief on Dornan’s and Sven’s faces filled me up with such happiness, I wanted to bottle it up and carry it with me all the time.

  Sven had been by my side the entire time, and now that I was healing, he slowly resumed his business as Club President. It was at this time, Sven began lavishing me with new cars, jewelry, trips to Europe and just about everything someone would desire. He told me it was because he loved me and he could, and I knew that was true. But I also knew that him giving me things was the proof of his love he felt I needed that his words didn’t convey. As silly of a reason I thought that was, I understood his thoughts and took whatever he wanted to give me.

  With the responsibility of being the Prez, new members would show up at our door looking for a place to stay as they got their bearings in Plantain. Smokey, well, Samuel, was one of my favorites. I knew him as a teenager when he came to town to stay with his aunt after his mom passed away. He was smiley and fun and had a contagious laugh that always made me smile. But he was wounded, like us, needing a family, and we made sure he knew we’d always be there for him. Just like Drag, Nathan. He was another lone wolf, the kind of young man that Sven always had a knack for finding. Nathan was macho and full of bravado, but like all the guys, what was on the outside wasn’t always matching what was within. Every man who came to join the club saw something in Sven, the same thing I knew Sven saw in Ivan. A leader, a father.

  Although our kids were teenagers now, they still made a point to hang out at our house on occasion. When I’d had enough of Dornan bringing girls back to our house and having to make them breakfast in the morning, Sven got him an empty apartment at the clubhouse for his nighttime guests. Even after that, he still came home for most dinners. Eventually I made a point of cooking a massive Sunday dinner every week for anyone and their families who wanted to come. I just loved having the house full and loud. That’s what I’d always wanted ever since I can remember.

  “I lost my virginity,” Maven says as she sits beside me at the kitchen table while we prepare food for that Sunday dinner.

  I look over at her, reading her expression. She doesn’t seem pleased, or even a little flushed.

  “You didn’t tell me it sucks,” she adds, looking at me.

  “Well…” I begin.

  “No, like it really sucks. It didn’t feel good, or like, anything other than weird and…prodding.”

  “Prodding,” I repeat, raising my brows. “Well,” I begin again. “The first time isn’t usually nice or good feeling. But it gets better. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you that.”

  “I would hope it gets better, or I’m never doing it again,” she tells me.

  I smile and look back down as we both pull husks off corn cobs and place them in a massive bowl.

  “I also got into UCLA.”

  My shocked expression and loud inhale has her reacting now, her lips sucking in to hide a smile, her excitement pouring through her.

  “I knew you could do it. Your mo-Owen and your grandparents are gonna be so proud, did you tell them yet?”

  “Grandparents, yes; dad, no. I don’t know where he is,” she shrugs a shoulder.

  I see how Maven is with her dad, and it’s similar to how Kendall is with me, with plenty of ‘nothing’ reactions to things that should bother them. The fact that Maven probably hasn’t talked to or seen her dad in God knows how long doesn’t faze her. It’s been that way ever since Shine died.

  “Well, when you tell him, I bet he’ll take you out to a lobster dinner.” I nudge her elbow. “Speaking of, you wanna celebrate?” I ask with raised brows.

  “Got any weed?” she says with a shrug of her shoulder and I give her a look.

  “I was thinking maybe a beer,” I reply, standing and moving to the fridge.

  Yes, she’s sixteen, but this isn’t her first beer sadly. All three kids have stopped running around like wild hellions and have began to develop into adults. Maven graduating high school early and heading to college. Joey is falling in love before our eyes and preparing for the military in a few years. Meanwhile, my Dornan’s training to become President of the Warrior of the Gods someday. The thought doesn’t sit well with me. I wish he’d go to college or something, but he doesn’t want to. He wants to be Pres and marry Maven. Even if he hasn’t told me that last bit, it’s obvious. I always saw those two differently than Joey and Maven. Something about the way Dornan was toward her, the way he looked after her, the way he always went a little extra for her. Last summer I found him looking through all the rings Sven has given me on May 9th of every year. He told me he wanted to give one to Maven and I let him pick which one he wanted, and he chose a ruby. I saw her wearing it, but clearly, he hadn’t disclosed his feelings when he gave it to her, because all of a sudden she was dating some older guy from another club.

  “He treats you okay, right, Brayden I mean?” I ask, returning with the beers and s
itting down.

  “Yeah, okay I guess,” she replies with another shrug as she takes a pull from her beer.

  I look at her, thinking about Shine and how she never wanted Maven to be in relationships like she’d been in. I knew about Brayden’s reputation and that he was married from Sven. I’d hoped when she learned that fact, she’d dump him, but no, she hadn’t. Maven begged me not to judge him or not dislike him because of his marriage, that she loved him. And again, I was reminded of Shine. Looking for love in all the wrong places.

  “What?” she asks self-consciously as I stare at her.

  “You look so much like your mom, it just catches me off guard sometimes,” I inhale deeply.

  More time passed. Things seemed steady and settled for the first time in a while, then the shit hit the fan.

  The first thing was getting the mail from the mailbox to see a letter from Kendall. Excitedly I opened the envelope to see a photo of Kendall arm in arm with a young man, smiling and clearly happy. Unfolding the letter, I read that this is Kendall’s husband. Kendall was married, they had eloped in Vegas and hadn’t invited us. I slumped onto the bottom step of the staircase, staring at the words through blurry eyes. My reaction was visceral and naturally, since it involved Kendall, hit me to the core. We’d grown closer over the years, or at least, I thought we had. My mind swirled and guilt crashed over me. I just sat there, sat there blankly with the letter and photo in my hands.

  “Missy?” Sven asks, kneeling in front of me, eyes full of concern and fear.