A Perfect Snow

by Nora Martin

  I watched my rock travel through the cold air. It was like part of me went with it: particles of dirt, and cells of skin shed from my hand. It carried my message. I heard the window shattering and could almost feel the glass shower over my own body, as if I had flung myself instead of the stone.

  Then I heard screams from the house and more lights started to come on. The yellow brightness flooded the yard. Chuck and Travis shouted, “Come on!” and took off running with David toward the car. I started to follow but then I glanced at the people now visible in the window and froze. Two adults, upset and shouting, bent over the mess. The man clutched one of the rocks in his hand. But it was the face of Trenton Biggs, his pale hair and skin glowing from the house light, that carved itself into my brain. It was a solemn, surprisingly calm face, the same angerless, accepting expression he wore at school. His delicate features were framed in jagged glass. Small eyes pointed directly at me. I was pretty sure he couldn’t see me through the darkness, but I felt his stare like an electric current. It was as if he knew who was out there. But he couldn’t. I tried to shake free of the connection that gripped me.

  Suddenly the face in the window was David’s, watching me sneak away with Dad to go fishing without him. But he had seen us and watched with an empty gaze. Trenton’s face held the same look. He knew the rock was meant for him and, without being told with words, he knew why.

  The next thing I was aware of was David beside me grabbing at my sleeve. “Run! We have to get out of here,” he whispered. I heard Chuck’s car in the distance and felt my brother leave me. But still I couldn’t move.

  It wasn’t until the two adults dragged Trenton away from the window that I started running. Chuck’s car was gone, so I turned and took off in the direction of town.

  For more than an hour I walked. Sticking to dark streets, I wound through the quiet neighborhoods of Lodgette. What had happened back there? Why had I seized up, as if Trenton Biggs’s eyes were a harness around my neck? Now the same feeling followed me like a shadow, but a shadow that had weight.

  I didn’t feel the power I had when we burned the car or shot into the Jew church. I kept thinking it was because Chuck had taken off and left me in the cold. It made me angry that I didn’t have any idea where Chuck, Travis and my brother had gone, except that they hadn’t bothered to wait for me. More anger to add to the rest. And this time it got worse instead of being the release I had longed for.

  I moved fast, pumped by the hard, cold air sitting on my shoulders and the heavy rage in my stomach. I kept my hands deep in my pockets and hunched my neck down in my jacket, trying to stay warm.

  In the dark I ran into a mailbox mounted on a wood post. I kicked it then, over and over, as if I could beat the life out of it. But soon I got scared that someone would hear me and I ran.

  After another ten minutes I knew I had to find someplace to get out of the cold. I walked past Aunt Jana’s house and looked at the warmth of her lights squeezing through drawn drapes. It would be a relief to tell someone what had happened that night. My aunt Jana was honest and blunt, but she was always easy to talk to—maybe because she wasn’t afraid to tell you exactly what her opinion was, and you always knew she still cared in spite of it.

  I was almost ready to knock on the door when I realized that, as pissed as I was, Aunt Jana would know something was wrong, no matter what story I tried to give her. She would report to Mom. And Mom would tell Dad. I knew for certain. I turned back into the cold.

  After another half a block my aching fingers told me to break a garage or car window to get out of the cold. I had already turned in the direction of the alley when I heard a car slowing down behind me.

  “Ben, where have you been?” It was Travis’s voice. “Mr. Power, soldier boy, get in this car,” he shouted.

  My foot kicked aside some beer cans as I slid into the back beside David. Inside, their hot breath smelled of alcohol and smoke. My iced skin stung as if I were being slapped all over my body. My limbs began to throb from the heat. David was hunched over, drinking another beer.

  My mouth was so stiff with cold I couldn’t speak. David’s silence made me nervous. What was he thinking about? Or was he just drunk? I found myself staring at him, trying to see Trenton’s face from the window in my brother. I had to make myself stop.

  As if Chuck were reading my thoughts, he said, “Damn it, Ben, what happened back there?”

  “Nothing happened.” I forced my jaw to move, feeling my anger break like sweat through my body’s shivering. “Except you guys took off without me.”

  “What do you mean, we took off? Your brother there couldn’t drag you away,” Chuck said. “He’s been whining ever since.”

  “I didn’t want to leave you,” David said quietly from his hunched position. I thought his words sounded slurred.

  “Thanks, David,” I said.

  “Thanks?” Chuck started to shout. “You could have gotten us all caught. Lonn expects this to go right every time. We land in jail and everything’s ruined.”

  “What’s everything?” David asked. No one answered him.

  I didn’t exactly know what everything was but I was catching on. To Chuck, Travis and Lonn this wasn’t about just getting kicks and feeling big. There was something more. It felt like they had a plan. A plan that snaked around me in cold shivers.

  “Hey, it was only for a second.” As I said the words I knew I was conceding, and I hated Chuck for that. After I had been so hot for action the last two weeks.

  Chuck’s voice was calm again. “We’ve got to work together. If one goes down, it’s the end.”

  “I don’t see what is so important about a few rocks through a window,” I said. “It’s not as good as burning the car or shooting up the other place.”

  That was it, I had decided. That was why I hadn’t felt that same surge of energy as I had the first two times. Just breaking a window was lame.

  “What car?” David asked.

  “Oh, nothing.” I didn’t want to explain it to him.

  “Lonn doesn’t think so,” Chuck said.

  “I don’t give a shit what Lonn thinks,” I said.

  Chuck turned in the seat and stared hard into my face. “You’d better,” he said. His voice was ultracalm, in complete control.

  I felt a twinge of fear. But before I could think of any reply Travis cut in. “Come on, Ben, it was kick-ass tonight.”

  David was bent over and didn’t seem to be listening. Suddenly he spoke out. “Stop the car! I’m going to be sick.”

  Chuck pulled the car off onto the gravel roadside and my brother opened his door to puke. He couldn’t get out, but just leaned over. After a few minutes he groaned and wiped his mouth. The smell of vomit hung over us like a damp fog. How could the night start out so great and end so bad? My feelings swirled around me in confusion, just like the smell.

  “The kid can’t hold beer, can he?” Chuck said.

  “I’ll take him home,” I said.

  Chuck stared straight ahead. “Fine with me, Campbell.” He drove back to Lonn’s shop and our truck.

  Chapter Six

  Heat

  The next day, Saturday, David didn’t get out of bed until after twelve. I wasn’t surprised. The night before, he’d hardly been able to stay on his feet. I almost had to carry him into the house.

  He kept crying, “Don’t let go of me, Ben. Everything’s spinning.”

  I was really glad the folks were asleep and I didn’t have to do any explaining. I helped him onto his bed and pulled off his boots. Finally, as I sat by him, his face went slack and relaxed into sleep. I remembered again how bad I had felt the time we didn’t take him fishing with us. I pushed the hair out of his face before moving away. “I still look out for you,” I whispered.

  That next morning, before David even dragged himself out of bed, I already had a pile of wood split and stacked. Once I got going, I liked chopping wood. It’s the feeling of being warm from exercise while standing out in the cold.r />
  David stuck a sour face out the door and stared at me.

  “Looking fine this morning,” I said to him.

  “Mom says to come eat your lunch,” he grumbled. “And we have to talk later.”

  Now I’ll hear it, I thought. I’ll find out what David was thinking about last night. For a split second I thought he might rat on us to the police, but then I knew that no matter what he thought, my brother would never turn me in.

  I went inside. Mom was putting grilled cheese sandwiches on plates, as usual a bit blackened around the edges. Greasy smoke dimmed the room and made breathing hard after having been outside.

  “Aren’t you eating, David?” I poked at him.

  “David’s got a stomach bug today,” our mom said sympathetically.

  “Gee, I hope it’s not contagious,” I said.

  He gave me an angry look through watery eyes.

  Dad took a big bite of sandwich and opened the paper. “Look at this. Someone is out to get the Jews.” He held up a newspaper photo of the vandalized church.

  For an instant I was afraid the article would also mention Trenton’s house. I don’t know why I even thought about it. But when I looked, it was just the empty Jew church.

  Then I noticed David squirming beside me. I felt panic. He’s going to start squealing right in front of Mom and Dad, I thought.

  But when I looked over to David he was looking back at me with a sly little smile on his face!

  Dad went right on talking, not seeing our looks. “Maybe them Jews will start to see that they don’t belong here.”

  “Yeah,” David agreed. “We won’t let the RETCHes and all those mudskins get the better of us.”

  “Destroying a church!” Mom was shocked. “That is terrible. You can’t believe that is any way to solve a problem, Frank.”

  “I didn’t say that,” Dad said. “I just think we should all stick to our own kind. Jews with Jews, whites with whites.”

  “You don’t even know anyone but ‘your own kind.’” Mom stressed the last three words. “So how can you say you wouldn’t like them as well as anybody else? Or even recognize a Jewish person if you met one?”

  “We’ll know plenty of those kikes and mudskins if we let them move in and take over like they want,” David said.

  “That is enough of that kind of talk,” Mom said to David. “I won’t have it in my house. Where could you get such ideas?”

  Dad looked embarrassed. But he didn’t tell Mom that the ideas were coming from Lonn. So I stepped in, trying to change the subject.

  “Think you’ll have time for some fishing this afternoon?” I asked Dad.

  “Maybe.” He went back to reading his paper.

  It was lunchtime on Monday when Eden found me in the cafeteria. “Ben.” She sat down beside me. “I haven’t been able to forget about what Jill did on Friday in the library.”

  As she spoke I realized I wasn’t angry with Eden anymore. Jill had used us both.

  “Forget it,” I said.

  “I phoned Jill,” Eden explained. “I told her I thought it was a really mean thing to do and that I didn’t see anything wrong with being friends with you.”

  “What did she say?” I couldn’t help asking.

  “Not much,” Eden said. “But I don’t think she’s interested in having me for a friend anymore.”

  I felt her hand on my arm asking for my reaction. I wasn’t sure what I felt. She was taking a risk for me. I knew that. But I wasn’t sure I really wanted her to. Her hand tingled where it touched my shirt, almost like feathers from a tiny bird sweeping past my arm. I tried to think of something to say but nothing came out.

  Finally she said, “My mom says I am way too forward for my own good. But why haven’t you ever asked me out? I met you more than a month ago, and I know you don’t have a girlfriend. And I’m sure having to defend myself as if I were really dating you.”

  “Maybe Jill was right. Maybe you shouldn’t be seen with me,” I answered.

  “Thanks for telling me now,” she teased. “Look, it doesn’t have to be much. Coffee after school one day? Wednesday?”

  That was when I saw Trenton. He lumbered through the cafeteria door, slumped and expressionless. My first reaction was to slide under the table so he wouldn’t notice me. But he walked by without a glance. My body felt hot, as if I were feverish.

  “What are you staring at?” Eden watched my face.

  I found myself touching my hot cheeks, my fingers points of ice against the skin. “Do you know him?” I indicated Trenton with my head.

  “Sure,” Eden said still puzzled. “He’s in my English class.”

  “Is he ...” I hesitated, not knowing exactly how she felt about things like that. “Is he, you know, gay?”

  “How should I know?” Eden was surprised and obviously embarrassed. “He’s smart. He’s a really good writer. He read one of his stories for the class. Why do you want to know if he’s gay?”

  “Someone told me he was, that’s all.”

  “From the look on your face I thought maybe he’d come on to you or something,” she teased. “Is that why you won’t go out with me, Ben?”

  “No way!” Every masculine urge in me came to my defense. “I mean, I do want to go out with you.”

  Laughing, she said, “Good. I’ll hold you to Wednesday, then.” She got up from the table and I watched her walk away.

  When Wednesday came, I realized I was excited about seeing Eden that afternoon. I was standing at my locker just letting anticipation splash around me when I caught sight of her. As soon as I saw the long reddish braid go bouncing down the hall I knew it was Eden. Everything else on either side of her seemed to grow fuzzy, while each tiny detail about her became clear: white sweater, black jeans, the end of her braid held together with a black elastic band, small gold earrings shaped like crescent moons swinging from her ears.

  “Ben!” I suddenly heard David’s voice right next to me. “What planet are you on?”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Chuck sent me to find you. We can hang out, then he’ll give us a ride to the meeting.”

  “Chuck sent you?” I was surprised that Chuck would even bother with David after he had been such a wimp the other night.

  “Yeah.” I could see the anger grow on my brother’s face, as if he knew what I was thinking. He added, “I saw him out in the parking lot. He’s waiting for us.”

  Just then Eden showed up. “Hi, Ben. Hi, Ben’s brother.”

  David just barely nodded to Eden, then stared at his feet. He was unbelievably shy around girls. He seemed to turn into a big, stumbling goon.

  “You ready to go?” she asked me.

  I saw David look surprised and excluded. And I was stuck again. I fumbled with a couple pennies in my pocket, trying to think of what to do. Go with David and Chuck, or go with Eden? But the pull of the guys, like a craving, was too strong.

  “Something’s come up,” I told her. “I can’t go.”

  “Oh?”

  I felt really bad, not just because I did want to go out with her but because she had given up her friendship with the rich kids to do it. Behind Eden, light from the large glass door bounced off her back, lighting her hair and putting her face into golden shadows. It was as if she glowed. I was about to change my mind and skip going to Lonn’s when I saw Chuck drive up to the door. He honked the horn.

  “We gotta go,” David begged. “We need to scope out a few things for Lonn. You know what I mean.”

  I felt my brother’s plea in both look and stance. “We can do it another day, can’t we?” I asked Eden.

  “I guess so,” Eden said. She turned in the direction I was looking and asked, “Who’s that?”

  But before I could answer, David tugged on my sleeve and I left.

  When we arrived at Lonn’s it was obvious that Chuck had already told him about Friday night and he was pleased. He greeted us with smiles and claps on the back.

  “I told you this was
going to be good,” Chuck said. I looked at him and was shocked to see he was talking to David instead of to me. I turned away and continued setting up chairs for the meeting.

  Soon men started to fill the room. The many bodies heated the air until the area near the inner circle of chairs, those closest to the heater, became too warm. Hot air rushed out of the oil stove and everyone peeled off layers of jackets, hats, gloves and sweaters. But I could see the ice built up around the outer edges of the building. It started at the base of the small windows and crept down the corrugated metal walls to the concrete floor.

  The meeting started with Lonn saying the same prayer that I now knew by heart. “God of Adam, purify us and fill us with your strength. Teach us to recognize the enemy within our midst and give us the courage to struggle against their corruptions. Amen.” Right away he rose to speak.

  Beside me David listened with rapt attention. This is a switch, I thought. For once my brother is involved and I am the one just sitting here.

  When he saw me looking at him he leaned over and whispered, “Lonn is going to make an announcement about the job we did Friday night.”

  “How do you know that?” I asked.

  “Chuck told me,” he answered.

  “Where’s Dad?” I whispered. “Why isn’t he here tonight?”

  “Shh, I want to listen,” he said.

  My surprise must have shown, because David looked smug as he turned his attention back to Lonn. Thoughts kept whirling around me. Chuck told him we would be recognized tonight? When did this happen and where was I? Suddenly I was the one who felt left out and stupid.

  As I was trying to figure out what was going on David elbowed me and I heard Lonn say, “This week we have cause to celebrate. We recognize the bravery and initiative of four boys who have taken the first step into manhood.”

  So David was right.

  “They have pledged themselves to the cause and in so doing have become the protectors of our future. Our homeland is in their strong hands,” Lonn said. “They will ensure us a home for our descendants. A white home. A pure home.”