A Perfect Snow

by Nora Martin

  I remembered. And at the time I had known he was stuck. But in those days David was always crying about something or another. So I had figured he would get over it. “David, that was eight years ago. Besides, you got yourself out.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he sneered. “I got myself out. After yanking on my foot for fifteen minutes. You just ran off and left me. You always left me.

  I couldn’t believe he was still mad. He was angrier than I could even imagine. He had always been angry and hid it behind the annoying things he did. It was far more than the move to Lodgette; these were deep-rooted feelings.

  “I’ve made some mistakes, David. Not just when you were eight, but recently.” I tried to find the words to explain my doubt about what I had done.

  “Well, big brother, that is the first honest thing I can remember you saying in a long time.” He crossed his arms in a satisfied shrug.

  He was enjoying this! The little wimp was almost laughing at me. “Fine,” I snapped at David. “But you are in way over your head with those guys. These guys aren’t the warriors you think they are. They’re just criminals hiding behind a cause.”

  “That’s what the British said about our revolutionary soldiers,” David said sarcastically.

  I went to sleep trying to understand how I could care about David but at the same time find him so completely annoying.

  For the next few weeks I continued to see Eden on weekends. During the week I went to work on the housing project with Jason Johnson. My brother hung out with Chuck and Travis. As we saw less of each other David became more and more tight-mouthed about what they did together.

  Just before Christmas break started, Randy Mansfield, the project director, stopped by the job.

  “What are your plans for vacation, Ben? Think you’d be interested in putting in some hours?” he asked.

  I still had a week of service due him from my punishment, but I realized I wanted to keep working there, Mr. Harrison’s orders or not. As I saw the apartments go up board by board I felt as if they were growing inside me too. The higher the walls the fuller I felt. “I’m game,” I told him.

  “What about you, Johnson?” Randy asked.

  Jason looked at me for a minute before he answered. “I was born to ski. But I wouldn’t mind coming a couple of days with Cowboy Ben.”

  “Thanks.” And Randy left us to work.

  “Maybe we can work out a deal,” Jason offered after Randy left. “You’ve been teaching me to pound nails into wood for long monotonous hours without going crazy, so now I’ll teach you to ski.”

  “Okay,” I agreed. I had been getting used to Jason and the idea suddenly sounded kind of adventurous. I liked the fact we’d be hiking up the mountain and finding our own ski trails rather than paying a lot of money at a resort. It was going to be just the two of us, so I could get the hang of skiing before we brought any girls along.

  On Saturday morning I left home early, before anyone else was up, and drove over to Jason’s house. He lived in one of the new houses on the hill above town. The garage he took me into was twice the size of our whole trailer. It was filled with stuff from tennis rackets to a snowmobile and an all-terrain vehicle. In one corner were what looked like several dozen pairs of skis and a hill of boots.

  “Jeez.” I stared. “Ever think of opening a sporting goods store?”

  “You should see our lake cabin. More boats than family members. Here.” Jason threw a pair of what looked like hiking boots at me. “Start trying them on.”

  At the trailhead below Mt. Blackmore we strapped our skis onto backpacks and started up the hill. The air was thin and cold but once I was warm from hiking it felt wonderful inside my lungs. At the tree line we skirted the edge of a shallow snow bowl and then put on our skis.

  “Watch how I do it,” Jason instructed. He took off down the hill, cutting graceful slow curves into the untouched snow. It looked easy.

  I can do that, I thought as I pushed off. Instantly I felt as if I were flying. The sound of my skis sliding over dry snow was in rhythm with the wind that bit at my face. It was wonderful. Then I tried to turn and found myself rolling in a loose bundle of arms and legs and skis, over and over down the hill. When I finally stopped I was laughing through a mouthful of snow.

  “We better start you on some basic snowplow, Campbell,” Jason said, pulling me up.

  “It’s great!” I shouted.

  “Just wait until you ski down instead of fall down the hill,” Jason said. “Then you’ll really have fun.”

  I don’t know how many times we hiked up that hill and skied down, but I do know that once I even went the whole way without falling.

  By two o’clock I was exhausted but exhilarated. Heading down the hill, I realized I had enjoyed Jason’s company as well as the skiing.

  “Would you be interested in helping out with another charity project?” I had decided to share my neighborhood cleanup idea with Jason.

  “Maybe.” He waited for me to go on.

  “The trailer park where I live,” I said. “I want to do some real fixing up around there. It’s for my mom mostly, but for some others too, like the old lady next door, Mrs. Kenny.”

  Jason just stared out over the steering wheel without saying anything. I grew embarrassed and felt so stupid for mentioning my idea. He thinks I’m just a welfare slob.

  When he finally responded his voice was shaky and quiet in an un-Jason-like way. “I’d like to help.”

  “You would?” I was relieved.

  He nodded. “If you think I can.” His voice was still unsure. “You’ve seen me at the housing site. Not exactly a hammer hotshot.”

  “You’ve picked up building faster than most guys would,” I assured him.

  “Really?” Jason grinned. “You know, Campbell, you’re the first person who thought I was capable of doing anything besides smarting off.”

  I doubted that but wasn’t going to argue him out of his enthusiasm.

  Jason went on. “Won’t my father be surprised when I tell him about all my civic services. At least I hope he will. I’d like to see that well-shaven jaw drop for once.”

  “Wasn’t he mad about the fighting?” I asked.

  “Me getting in trouble? He’s used to that. It’s been the same since I was three. Didn’t you know I was expelled from an exclusive kindergarten for biting? My dad gave up on me then.”

  At least all the time I was growing up my dad had been interested in spending time with me. But then I thought about David. Maybe he felt more like Jason did.

  Jason drove back to his house, where my truck was parked. “Let’s get a group together for the cleanup next Saturday,” I suggested as I got out of the car.

  “It’s a plan,” he said.

  When I pulled into our driveway, I noticed a large group of cars and pickups parked around the trailers. Coming closer, I recognized both Lonn’s truck and Chuck’s car. David was loading the pieces of a discarded car engine into the back of Lonn’s truck. Teams of people I knew from Guardian meetings were scattered around the trailers, watching over burn barrels or picking up trash.

  I went over to my brother. “What’s going on?”

  Lonn answered. “This is your brother’s doing, Ben. He’s the leader here.”

  I turned to search David’s face. I tried to ask him the surprised questions that overstuffed my mind. What is this? The cleanup was my idea. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to do this? But I didn’t have the nerve to tell him my thoughts in front of the others.

  All David said was, “Now that you’re back from the RETCH’s house, dig in.”

  Everyone stopped to watch us, as if they had expected some kind of confrontation. I felt trapped. Keeping my fury hidden was like trying to stop myself from vomiting.

  Dad started in with his quiet but pressing voice. “It seems as if David’s grown to be the leader here. We always thought you’d be the go-getter, Ben.”

  I thought just how surprised Dad would be at what kind of go-
getting David was into at night with some of these same guys who were here playing Dudley Do-right. I almost said so when David tossed me an I-win look that made me just stomp off down the driveway.

  Chapter Ten

  Fog

  It took me thirty-five minutes to walk the three miles to Eden’s. I didn’t even realize that was where I was going until I found myself staring at her house. The whole way the frozen gravel on the side of the road scratched under my feet.

  I kept thinking about David. If I had spoken out back there at the trailer court, would things have turned out different? Who did I really care about helping: David, the folks or just me?

  By the time I knocked on Eden’s door the sun was setting behind the western hills and the air temperature was falling fast.

  Her mother answered the door. “Hello, Ben.” She was as friendly as ever.

  “Is Eden home? I was wondering if she wanted to walk down to the river with me.”

  Eden’s mother leaned out the door to look at the driveway. “You walked here? Why, you must be freezing. Come in and have some tea or something.”

  “Actually, I’m warm from walking.” But I followed her into the dining room.

  Eden was there with her schoolbooks spread out across the table. “Hi, Ben.” She looked surprised but happy to see me.

  “Would you walk down to the river with me, before it gets dark?”

  “Okay, but let’s drive up to the bridge and walk the trail there,” she said. I could hear the question in her voice. It was as if she could read the unease in my face.

  Eden went to get her coat and car keys. “Ben,” Toby said as Eden left the room, “can I talk you into staying to eat with us after your walk?”

  “I guess,” I said. “If it’s not any trouble, thanks.”

  “Then Eden can drive you home later,” she said.

  As we left, after being in Eden’s warm house, I felt the cold sink in. Parking near the bridge, we set out down the path. The only other footprints in the snow were the hoof marks of deer.

  We ducked under the ice-weighted branches of hawthorn bushes and around the stalks of last year’s wild roses. The gray current pushed its way between crowding ice shelves on either riverbank. Steam swirled above the open water, making a solid fog that could be felt as well as seen.

  “It’s magical in here.” Eden breathed deep. “Like a shining lace veil covering us.”

  “It does feel like an imaginary world.” I tried to memorize how ice and tree melded together in smooth seams. Being there, I had the same feeling of weightlessness as I did sitting on the roof at the construction site or skiing.

  “Is something bothering you?” Eden asked. “You seem different today. Quiet, slower.”

  “It’s nothing,” I told her, not because I didn’t want to talk about my feelings about my brother, but because I just didn’t know how to say it.

  “Not good enough,” Eden said, teasing, but forceful too. “No boy clam-up routine with me. Out with it. Did you and Jason get into it again?”

  “No. We skied together today. I had fun.” Here I had to fish for words. “That’s part of what’s wrong, I think. And something happened with my brother.”

  “With David?”

  “Remember the idea I told you about? To do a fix-up on the trailer court we live in?” I watched Eden for signs of embarrassment about where I lived.

  But she nodded, so I went on. “I thought I could get some guys together and pick up trash, do some painting. Stuff like that. I even asked Jason if he would help.”

  “It’s a great idea,” Eden said, smiling. “I’d like to help too. If Jason can do it, so can I.”

  “At the time I suggested it, David wasn’t interested. But when I came home today I found he had gone behind my back and organized the whole thing as if it were his idea.”

  “It’s good that David took the initiative, even if it was your idea,” Eden said. “You should be happy for David. And that he has friends who are the kind of people who do good for the community.”

  Thinking of Chuck and Travis, I said, “I don’t think the cleanup is their idea of community service.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “They prefer to . . .” How could I tell her what we had done? The car burning, the shooting at the building, the rock at Trenton Biggs’s house. I could hardly explain this to myself, let alone to Eden. Instead I stopped and put my arms around her. I kissed her, then said honestly, “I’m just mad at David because everybody, including my folks, thinks it was his idea.”

  “And David let them think that,” Eden guessed. She held on to me as if absorbing part of my body. “What did you do?”

  “At first I thought it wasn’t worth an argument, and I was going to help. But when my dad started grinding in about what a leader David was, I lost it.”

  “Having seen you lose it before, I can imagine what happened next,” Eden said. “You told everyone forcefully that it was your idea.” She stepped away from me and we started walking again.

  “No, I just left.” I broke a piece of ice off a branch. It was so clear I could see the tiny air bubbles trapped inside. Quickly it melted away between my fingers.

  “I think you should have stayed and helped even if they did think it was your brother’s idea.” Eden said.

  “I couldn’t. I was so angry. I felt as if David was doing it just to make himself look good to our dad and the other guys.” As I said this I wasn’t sure if I was really angry or jealous. “I was always the one to take the lead on projects. David never was interested in helping with anything. Like working on the housing project with Jason. David always cut it down.”

  “Ben!” Eden said. “The housing project was a punishment. You had to do it.”

  We came around the first bend of the river, where the valley widened a bit and we could walk side by side. The reddish rocks on either side of the river were a bright contrast against the clean snow.

  “At first it was.” I tried to explain how my feelings were changing. “But then I really started to like doing it. And I’m going to keep working there even though I don’t have to. I don’t think David really cares about having a better place to live or making Mom feel better about the trailer. He did this cleanup intentionally to make me look bad.”

  “Why would he want to do that?” Eden asked.

  Her question sent memories racing through my mind. I remembered all I had taught David to do. I’d taught him to ride his bike and put a worm on a fishhook. But did I also teach him to make himself look good by cutting other people down? I thought about the times that I had let Dad compare me favorably to David. I was a better football player, a better fisherman and a faster runner. So many times I had used David’s failures as my rewards. I had pretended to be taking care of him, but often I had only been using him to make me look like the big man. It was no different from what Jason and Jill had done to me at school.

  “I think I know why,” I told Eden. “And it’s my fault.”

  “Still taking care of him?” Eden asked.

  “Maybe now for the first time,” I answered. I knew I needed to take action. I needed to make sure David got out of his involvement with Lonn’s late-night activities.

  Eden suddenly jumped on me piggyback style. “Give me a ride, Ben,” she laughed. “I don’t want to think about anything sad for a little while.”

  “Me neither.” I wanted to tell her how much better she made me feel. What joy and excitement I experienced with her. But I thought she would laugh. So instead I said, “Miss Eden, if it weren’t the dead of winter, I’d set you down and roll you in the grass right here.”

  “Oh, you think so?” she asked. She leaned over my shoulder and kissed my cheek. “It would be hard to resist you.”

  Then she slid down to walk beside me again. It was getting late. We would have to pick our way through the dark back to the car. “Your mom invited me to dinner. Think it’ll be ready?” I suddenly felt starved.

  “If not, w
e can find a snack to help you through,” she said as she patted my stomach.

  I took her hand as we walked.

  Chapter Eleven

  Ice

  I went home from Eden’s realizing that she was the kind of friend and girlfriend I really wanted. But I needed to be the kind of person in truth that she thought I was. As a start, I would try to save David from making any more mistakes. How could I explain to him what I wasn’t even sure of? I was going to try to explain about seeing Trenton in the shattered window. Then I would describe the feeling of building and of skiing. I had no idea if I could make any sense.

  But the minute I walked into the trailer I knew things were different. I no longer had any power over my dad or my brother.

  In an angry tone my dad greeted me with, “Where’d you take off to today? Why weren’t you here helping your brother? Being a part of this family?”

  All of my plans shattered. My tongue couldn’t form any ideas that sounded strong and sure.

  I couldn’t answer him. He continued, “I didn’t raise you to run away from helping.”

  “You did teach us right,” I assured him. “It’s just that you don’t understand everything that’s going on. I don’t think David should be hanging out with Lonn’s guys.”

  Dad sprang to his feet in a surge of anger. “Lonn is the best thing that ever happened to this family! Don’t you start in on the one person who reached out to help us.”

  I gave up for the time being and ducked into the bedroom. For the rest of the evening I could hear Dad and David, buddy-buddy cheering at a game on TV. My brother was sitting where I had always been.

  Monday afternoon on the job site Jason kept looking at me funny. “What’s up, Cowboy?” he finally asked.

  Jason Johnson was the last guy I’d ever thought I’d be spilling my guts to. It was just a couple weeks since I had wanted to spill his guts! Without mentioning Lonn or his guys, I told him about my brother stealing my cleanup idea and about my dad’s reaction.