The Lonely Hearts Dog Walkers

by Sheila Norton

  ‘Um, can we have … a talk? There are some things, I kind of, thought we should discuss.’

  ‘Sure.’ He gave me his new, sad little smile. ‘Is it about Christmas? If Mia would prefer to spend it all with you and Ros, I understand—’

  ‘No, it’s not that. Can we…?’ I glanced over my shoulder and came to a sudden decision. ‘Mum!’ I yelled. ‘Could you look after Mia for a little while? I’ve just got to pop out.’

  And before she could ask any questions, I pulled on my coat, stepped outside and slammed the door shut.

  ‘Let’s go for a walk,’ I suggested. ‘The park?’

  He’d been looking at me, understandably, in amazement. From refusing to say more than a few words to him, to suddenly wanting to go for a walk, must have seemed quite a jump. But now he smiled and said, as we started to walk down the lane:

  ‘Oh, the park! Mia told me something about it all being yours now. Does she mean it’s been agreed by the council – the Friends of the Park have got control of it?’

  ‘Yes.’ Despite everything, I couldn’t help smiling myself. ‘Yes, it’s brilliant news. We’re so chuffed.’

  ‘I bet you are. I’ve been following the story,’ he added, looking a bit sheepish. ‘Online – the Friends of Furzewell Park Facebook page. And – talking to someone else I know who’s been involved,’ he added, trying to sound vague.

  ‘Simon. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.’

  ‘Oh.’ There was a silence. ‘I asked him not to tell you he knew me.’

  ‘He didn’t. Well, not deliberately. I kind of got it out of him,’ I said. Talking about the park had broken the ice, and it felt easier now, more natural, to be chatting to him like this. I’d made up my mind to stay in control, not to get angry or throw up old arguments. I just wanted to find out what had been going on, and why. ‘He mentioned a couple of things that surprised me.’

  That was putting it mildly.

  ‘Go on,’ he said.

  We were walking faster than we were talking. We were halfway down Fore Street already. It was cold, and dark, and the lights of the Fox and Goose loomed welcomingly ahead of us.

  ‘Look, shall we have a quick drink?’ I suggested. ‘It’ll be warmer in there than the park.’

  ‘Good idea.’ I could feel him giving me sidelong looks, probably wondering what the hell I was leading up to. ‘And I’m buying you a drink, to congratulate you. I’m very proud of you, Nic.’

  ‘It wasn’t just me,’ I protested, unnerved by his tone, his congratulations, his pride. ‘There’s a whole bunch of us who’ve been working for the park. Plus all the other supporters and volunteers.’

  ‘But I didn’t just mean about the park. I’m proud of you for the way you’ve settled back into the community here. Made a new life for yourself and Mia. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think you’d make it work at first. I thought you’d end up coming back again. I hoped so, obviously – whatever you might think,’ he added quickly. ‘However I might have acted to the contrary.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, quietly. I didn’t know what else to say. I felt more confused than ever. We were at the pub now, and he held the door open for me as I went in, frowning to myself. Simon had implied that Josh had regrets, and missed me – and yet here he was, saying he was proud of me for leaving him, for getting on with my life without him!

  While Josh bought our drinks, I sat at the quietest table, in a dark corner near the back of the bar. Sunday evenings didn’t tend to be very busy here, but I didn’t particularly want anyone noticing us out together and starting any rumours flying.

  ‘Well,’ he said, putting my glass of wine down in front of me. ‘This is … a bit like old times, isn’t it?’

  I shook my head. I didn’t want him to start reminiscing about our younger days together here in the village. That wasn’t what we were here for.

  ‘I wanted to ask about your new job,’ I said instead, coming straight to the point. ‘Why did you resign from Matthews & Pavitt?’

  ‘Oh. He told you. Well, I resigned because it was killing me,’ he said simply. ‘I was making myself ill. And anyway—’ He screwed up his eyes suddenly, as if he was trying not to cry. It brought a lump to my throat, against my better judgement. ‘It was all for nothing.’

  ‘For nothing?’ I shot back. ‘I thought it was all for the money. That, and for the sake of being out of the house. Away from me, and Mia.’

  I hadn’t intended to say that. But how could I not? That pain was a part of me, always there, twisting me up inside. How could it not come out?

  ‘It was for the money. For the mortgage, the bills, the endless struggle to make ends meet. You know that, Nic. But mostly for the promise that it was going to end. That soon, one day, eventually, I wouldn’t have to work like a dog anymore because they were going to make me a director. Give me shares in the company. Then make me a partner. I was so sure it would happen, that they’d keep their promises, if I worked all the hours God sent, showed them how committed I was…’

  ‘But they didn’t, did they,’ I said flatly. ‘They took advantage of you. They let you make yourself ill, let you break up our marriage, Josh – and didn’t give you a goddamned thank you for it.’

  He hung his head. I wanted to feel sorry for him – I even felt, at that moment, like hugging him. He’d been used, driven to make himself ill, wasted years of his life for that company. It had taken its toll, I could see that – of him, as well as of our marriage. But I still couldn’t forgive him. Because it wasn’t just for the money that he’d worked the way he had. And I needed him to admit it, now, if we were ever going to even be friends again.

  ‘You’re right,’ he said eventually, his voice quivery with emotion. ‘I made a fool of myself, and I should have seen it, long before now. I’m no worse off financially, now I’ve left them, but I’ve saved my sanity.’ He nodded. ‘But the other thing you said – that I worked like that to stay away from you, and from Mia, that’s not how it was.’

  ‘You see?’ I said, exasperated. ‘Even now, you can’t admit it! You didn’t care about us, Josh. You stopped loving me – I don’t know when…’

  I paused. If I wanted him to be honest, I had to be, too. I sat up straight, met his eyes, and for the first time, I said it out loud.

  ‘You stopped loving me after I had Mia.’ And then, tears spurting to my eyes, almost overcome by the pain of knowing what I was going to say, that I was going to speak her name at last, I added with a gasp: ‘After Mia was born; after we lost Mae.’

  ‘Oh, Nicky!’ Josh said, his voice catching on a sob. ‘I didn’t stop loving you!’

  He pulled me towards him, held me close, and to my surprise I didn’t even struggle. I just wept – silently at first, and then beginning to cry properly, my chest heaving, my nose running, as if everything was pouring out of me in a torrent: the agony of my second twin being alive for only half an hour after birth. The shock, the horror, the unfairness of it. It had taken me so long to get pregnant in the first place: years of trying, and tests, and eventually such excitement, when we’d almost given up hope: we were having twins! Only to come home from hospital with just our one, precious, baby girl.

  I’d dealt with the tragedy of her twin by refusing to talk about her or even allow myself to think about her. Refusing to consider that Josh must have been grieving too, that he wanted to share his grief with me. Reacting with fury and disbelief when he started to suggest, after a couple of years of this, that we might consider having another child.

  ‘Another child?’ I’d stormed. ‘What for? We have Mia. Our perfect little girl. Why would we risk having another one, when it could just be taken from us?’

  ‘We need to talk about this, Nic,’ he’d tried, more than once. ‘We’ve never been able to talk. Perhaps we should see someone. A doctor, a counsellor—’

  ‘What for?’ I’d screamed. ‘I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t need to. I want to forget it ever happened. What I don’t want is you sug
gesting I go through it all again!’

  He’d given up. I suppose I’d left him no choice. I knew, deep down, what I did: I shut myself away, in my mind, in my heart – just me and my remaining child. Josh didn’t get it. He didn’t seem to care. Well, he could do what he liked. I didn’t need him, badgering me to talk, badgering me to think about having another child. He didn’t understand.

  ‘Did I drive you away?’ I said, now, breathless but finally quiet. ‘Is that it? I pushed you into staying away from us? Because of how I was? Six years, and I never grieved properly for Mae – I know – Mum, and Gran, have kept telling me ever since, but I’ve always refused to listen. I … just acted as if she never existed.’

  I started to cry again, and once more he held me until I wiped my eyes and sat up, shaking my head.

  ‘This is awful. I’m sorry. This isn’t what I had in mind when I said we needed to talk.’

  ‘Maybe not. But it was what we needed to talk about. I did hate coming home, seeing you the way you were back then – so quiet, so shut away. You only wanted Mia. You didn’t want me around.’

  ‘That wasn’t how it felt to me,’ I said quietly. ‘It felt as if you didn’t care.’ Then I shook my head and added, ‘But I suppose … well, if that’s how I came across, then I’m sorry.’

  ‘You were in denial,’ he said. ‘But I was no help to you either, was I. Neither of us got it right. I was just as bad – I buried myself in work.’ He paused. ‘I wish I hadn’t let you down. I wish we could both go back and do it differently.’

  I nodded. ‘Me too.’

  ‘I still do love you, whatever you might think. Since you’ve been gone – since I realised you really weren’t coming back this time – the bottom’s dropped out of my world. Work stopped mattering. I’ve just lived for my weekends with Mia. I finally realised what I’d been missing, by staying away, not spending time with her, all those years. I was angry with you at first, but then I realised it was my own fault. I should have tried harder, shouldn’t have given up on you. I must have been mad, to let you go.’ He gave me a weak little smile. ‘But it’s too late now, I understand that. You’ve made a new life for yourself here in Furzewell. You don’t need me. Why would you?’

  ‘Perhaps I do, though,’ I said, surprising myself. How did I not see it before? We’d needed each other but pushed each other away. ‘Perhaps being apart for a year was what we needed, both of us.’

  ‘To get some perspective?’ he suggested.

  ‘Yes.’ I hesitated. ‘It hasn’t been a year yet, though. And … maybe it doesn’t have to be?’

  ‘Nic, I’d like nothing better than for you to come back. But you’re happy here. Happier than I’ve seen you, since—’

  ‘Since we left Furzewell in the first place. Yes, I am. I don’t want to come back to Plymouth, Josh.’ I looked up at him. His dark eyes were gazing into mine, just as they used to, years back, when we’d sat here together in this pub as teenagers, newly in love, planning our future. Couldn’t we still try again? Couldn’t we manage, now, to make it work? ‘We both need to think this over, obviously, but I have got a suggestion. You could come and live here in Furzewell. It’s an easy drive into town for your work. We could sell the house.’

  ‘You want me to come and live with your mum?’ he said, raising his eyebrows.

  I managed to laugh. ‘No.’ I thought for a minute, and then went on: ‘The new houses on High Meadow are so much cheaper than houses in town. And they’re nice. I’ve been looking, ever since I’ve been back here, wondering if I’d ever be able to afford one. Apparently the developers have a scheme where they purchase your existing home so that you can buy and move in really quickly.’

  He was listening carefully, nodding. ‘It does make sense. If I moved here, I’d have a lower mortgage. And I’d be closer to you, and Mia.’

  ‘And you’d save even more money, Josh, if you’d stop spending so much on her when you see her. There’s no need. We’re not in competition. And anyway, there’s nothing to spend money on, here in Furzewell!’

  ‘Point taken,’ he agreed, looking sheepish. ‘I guess I just wanted her to enjoy being with me.’

  ‘She does anyway. And … perhaps, eventually, she’ll be able to see us both together again.’

  He looked up at me. ‘You need to be sure, this time, Nic.’

  ‘I know.’ I couldn’t rush into this. Apart from the fact that, only an hour ago, the very idea of getting back together with Josh would have horrified me, I couldn’t risk changing my mind again – not this time. It wouldn’t be fair on him, or Mia. ‘Let’s take it slowly. One step at a time.’

  ‘Yes. I really hope…’ he began, looking at me with those soulful eyes again. ‘I really hope… this isn’t just a reaction to tonight. The emotion of, well, finally talking about Mae.’

  I swallowed. ‘Of course. We both need time to process all this. I’m glad, though, Josh – glad we’re at least back on speaking terms.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘I promise we’ll talk properly, now, about Mae. We need to. I know it won’t be easy, but I’ve left it far too long. I’m OK, now,’ I reassured him quickly, ‘but I realise it’s been festering away, all this time, and it’s not healthy. A good cry was what I needed, obviously.’

  ‘We’ll talk,’ he agreed softly. ‘And I’m coming back next weekend anyway. To look at those houses on High Meadow!’

  We drained our glasses and made our way out of the pub, into the cold, dark street we both knew so well. We didn’t hold hands. It was enough that we were walking closely together, talking, amicably, making plans about the possibility of selling the house.

  Mum looked up as I walked in.

  ‘There you are,’ she said. ‘Mia’s in bed, but she’s still awake. She was worried, wondering where you were. Where you both were,’ she added meaningfully, ‘Josh’s car still being outside.’

  ‘I’ll pop up and see her in a sec,’ I said. ‘But Mum: Josh and I have been talking.’

  ‘I can tell.’ She forced a smile. ‘I can see it all over your face. Well, I hope you’re not going to rush into anything. Don’t go giving that child false hope, will you, unless you’re sure, this time.’

  ‘No. We won’t. I won’t say anything to Mia yet. But whatever happens, I’ll be staying here in the village. It’s where I belong, where Mia belongs. I might move out of Eagle House one day, but you won’t be getting rid of me or Mia completely. We’ll still be around.’ With Josh – or without him. That was the one thing I was sure of. ‘I’m staying in Furzewell,’ I added firmly. ‘Forever.’

  EPILOGUE

  LONELY HEARTS NO MORE

  The wind is howling around us, cold needles of sleety rain in the air, as we walk through the park, wrapped up in our warm coats, hats and gloves – Mia running ahead with Smartie. There are areas of the park fenced off now, where Simon and Craig, together with their team of volunteers, have started work on the new adventure playground and nature walk. These first features should be ready, we hope, for the spring, but the lake, and the crazy golf, will take a little longer. We’ve got a company potentially interested in running the golf course: they run a similar one in Paignton. Mia and her friends are already very excited, though, about the new playground. I laughed when she told me earnestly the other day that there’s no need, ever, for her to go back to Plymouth now, because not only is Daddy here, but also Furzewell is getting more exciting!

  ‘I’d forgotten how much worse the winter always feels in the countryside,’ Josh says, pulling me closer to him. ‘February always was a dire month in this valley.’

  ‘You’re not starting to regret moving back, are you?’ I tease him.

  He laughs. ‘What do you think? I’ve never been happier, Nic, you know that. And I’m sure spring will come eventually!’

  ‘Yes.’ I smile up at him. He looks so much better these days – relaxed, calm, settled. The new job’s going well, and he has a lot more free time to spend with us. The salary’s
a little lower than he was used to, but the mortgage on the new house is a lot less, too. We’re managing. We’re happy. ‘Do you realise,’ I say thoughtfully, ‘It’s exactly a year since I moved back here.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Best thing you could have done – even if it did take me a long while to realise it.’

  ‘No. The best thing was when you agreed to come back and join me here.’

  Everything has moved so fast, since that day in November when Josh agreed to think about moving back here. Within weeks we’d chosen a new house on the High Meadow estate, and looking back, even at that stage I think we both knew it was a fairly safe bet that Mia and I would soon be moving in with him there. We spent the Christmas holiday with Mum at Eagle House, and just after New Year, Josh moved into our new little house, bringing Bella the cat in her basket. The first weekend he was there, I helped him unpack the crockery, put up curtains and arrange the furniture. The second weekend, Mia and I moved in too. It seemed ridiculous not to. Smartie, having already been used to Monty, behaved perfectly with Bella, and to our delight the two pets both settled down as quickly as we did. And already, it’s as if we’ve never been apart.

  ‘Shall we catch up with the others?’ Josh is saying now. ‘It’s too cold to dawdle – and Smartie’s obviously doing his best to keep up with his doggy friends.’

  I laugh, watching Mia running after the little dog, who’s gambolling excitedly in pursuit of Max, Benji, Babette and Judy. The rest of the group, seeing Josh and I strolling together with our arms around each other and deep in conversation, have tactfully moved on ahead of us. I watch them now from behind as we walk on. Louise joins us for the walks now, with Eddie and their new little dog, Jet. And Kelly often comes along with Amber and Benji. She’s moved in with Amber now and they seem to be blissfully happy together. Craig – still the joker of the group – is laughing with Simon as he tells him some kind of tall story. Craig’s the one who’s changed the most, of course. He does have a new girlfriend, a stunning brunette called India. When he introduced her to the rest of us he looked pretty nervous, as if he thought we might warn her about his reputation. I just hope he’s really learnt his lesson and will treat India with more respect. Sara, as always, is leading the group and talking loudly about the next meeting of the Friends of the Park committee, has given us all quite a surprise recently by turning up to our New Year’s Day walk with a guy she introduced as Keith – the ex she’d always refused to talk about. She told me they were seeing each other again, but just as friends, until they could be sure whether it would work out this time.