Unbreak Me

by Julieanne Lynch

  “Maybe,” Molly replied, shrugging “I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.”

  “Doing what?”

  “This, letting myself believe that there is still something here, something worth salvaging.”

  Connor was surprised by what he was hearing. Out of the blue, just like that, she began addressing them—as a couple.

  “I mean, I get it, the whole attraction thing. I feel the connection every time we are near each other,” she said as she rubbed her forehead. “I just don’t know if I’m ready for romance or love… Maybe I’m just destined to be alone forever.”

  Connor’s heart sank to a new depth. Her words cut through him, deep and bloody. He wanted nothing more than to take a bottle of Scotch and drink himself into oblivion, but that would have defeated all purposes of winning her back. Of ever rekindling that blossoming love they’d once had.

  “Molly, I didn’t invite you here to try to win you back,” he lied. His voice almost broke as the words left his mouth. “I just wanted to spend some time with you. That’s all. And given what happened today, I think you being away from the toxic environment of the city is exactly what you need.”

  “Maybe,” Molly muttered, trying not to look at him. “But the fact remains, when I’m with you, like this, it hurts me.”

  Connor could feel the sweat beginning to do its thing at the back of his neck. The anxiety beginning to present itself. Not great timing, but it never was. Gripping the counter, Connor closed his eyes, trying to control the little vortex of vision that now hovered in front of him. He could see Molly looking at him from his peripheral, her eyes questioning his silence.

  Not now, he thought as his chest began to contract, a tightness ripping through him.

  “Connor, are you okay?” Molly jumped off her stool.

  Finally giving in, he fell to his knees as he began struggling for breath. Molly knelt by his side, resting her hand on his back.

  “Try to take some deep breaths,” she advised as she reached for the phone.

  Shaking his head, he pushed her hand away from the phone. He didn’t need medical assistance, he just needed the attack to pass.

  Closing his eyes, Connor focused on his breathing, very conscious that he looked like a fool in front of Molly. No matter how hard he tried, the spinning wouldn’t stop. The continuous pull of the attack wouldn’t subside. It was relentless. A monster that wanted to crush him.

  Finally, after several minutes he opened his eyes, his body covered in perspiration. Molly was still beside him, rubbing his back.

  “I thought the panic attacks were a thing of the past,” Connor muttered. He was embarrassed about looking like a loser in front of her and refused to make eye contact.

  “I didn’t know.”

  Connor wiped his nose and rested on his knees before standing. “Nothing like witnessing a grown man crumble, huh?”

  God, he was embarrassed, completely mortified. He wanted the ground to open up, swallow him and release him from the shackles he’d placed around his own feet.

  “I wouldn’t say that,” she replied as she got up, filled a glass of water and handed it to him. “Here, this will help.”

  Connor took the water, gulping it down, his head still pounding—the after effects of his anxiety.

  “I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

  “Don’t be silly,” Molly said as she sat on the ground next to him. “You’re only human, it happens to the best of us.”

  Resting his head against the cupboard door, Connor looked over at Molly. “I think I’m my own worst enemy at times.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, scratching the top of his head. “Maybe I’ve unresolved parental issues. I’ve never been good at standing up for myself. Always taking the easy route. Being a total dumbass in the process.”

  “I don’t think you’re a dumbass at all, but I think you need help. Those attacks need addressing. You and I both know that.”

  “They’ve been happening for as long as I remember. This one time, I was about eight or nine and we had swimming lessons at school. I was so nervous, I’d vomited before leaving the changing rooms. I had a complete meltdown at the side of the pool and pissed myself. Can you imagine trying to live that down? Of course, Mommy Dearest made up this whole thing to cover her own embarrassment, saying that I had a UTI and had no control over what happened.”

  Molly took Connor’s hand, rubbing her fingers lightly over his. “I think your mother is a prize bitch. Maybe even a fucktard.”

  Connor smiled then said, “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you saying that word, but right now, I think it’s a perfect tag for my mother.”

  “Wanna know a secret?”

  “Sure.”

  “I think I had Tourette’s in a past life.” Molly winked at him, earning herself a smile in return.

  “Molly?” Connor asked as she looked down at her hand touching his.

  “Yes.”

  “Would it be wrong of me to tell you that I love you?”

  Molly looked at him and his heart raced knowing that her response would either make or break him.

  “No, it wouldn’t,” she whispered.

  “I know timing is everything, I’m not stupid,” Connor said as he glanced at her, her beautiful azure eyes staring back at him. “I can’t imagine my life without you. It’s impossible for me to even think that I can go on without you. I know I hurt you, and God knows I’ve tried to put things right, but you’re everything to me, Molly. You complete me.”

  They sat in silence for a few moments. Neither talking, each of them afraid of what to say next.

  Connor felt he had overstepped the mark. Putting pressure on her when she didn’t need it.

  Molly gripped his hand tight, her shoulders moving, and he knew she was crying. “Shhh, please don’t. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said as he wrapped his arm around her. Her body fitted into his like a glove. “I’m sorry.”

  Connor’s own tears bubbled beneath the surface. Swallowing hard, he resisted the urge to break down. He had to be the man. The one to be strong.

  “You haven’t upset me,” Molly mumbled as she wiped her eyes. “I just feel bad because I don’t know if I can be the woman you want.”

  “I love you, Molly. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

  “No, Connor. It just tells me that you’re in love with the idea of being in love.”

  She’d done it. She delivered the one thing he didn’t want to hear. Complete rejection. “Wow, you know how to kick a guy when he’s down.” Letting her go, Connor stood and walked to the patio doors. “Regina was right. This was a bad idea.”

  Standing, looking out at the moonlight shimmering on the surface of the water, Connor felt his heart shatter into tiny pieces, knowing there was no chance in hell of ever finding his happiness with her.

  “I think I should go,” Molly said.

  Connor turned his head to the side and his shoulders slumped in defeat. “No, it’s okay. You stay. I can arrange for a car to pick you up tomorrow. Take all the time you need. I won’t bother you again.”

  Before Molly had the chance to stop him, Connor fled the house, driving far away from Molly and his broken dreams.

  Sometimes there really was no hope, and at that precise moment in time, Hong Kong seemed like the better end of a bitter deal.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Molly never slept a wink. She twisted and turned the whole night, her guilt being the driving force behind the ache in her heart. She felt bad that she’d driven him from his home. Even more so, she was terribly on edge, knowing she’d pushed him away.

  Stupid bitch, she thought to herself as she finished cleaning the counter, putting the dry dishes back in the cupboard. Occupying herself until the car came.

  “I should never have come,” she muttered as she picked up her phone, scrolling through it until she found the number she wanted.

  Sitting, Molly
dialed the number and waited for an answer.

  “Hey, Jenna, I think I’ve screwed up.”

  Tears fell, streaking her pale cheeks.

  “What’s wrong?” Jenna asked.

  “Everything,” she cried. “I thought I was over this. I was so sure that all those feelings were dead, but they weren’t and now I’ve hurt him and I know there’s no coming back from this.”

  “Molly, slow down,” Jenna said, her calm voice and controlled. “Where are you?”

  “In Capitola, at Connor’s place.”

  “Do you want me to come get you?”

  “No, Connor’s arranged for a car… That’s not the problem.”

  “What is?”

  “I love him and I’ve pushed him away. Who does something like that?” Molly couldn’t hold it in. The anger, the pain, the heartache and the guilt—a whole cluster of emotions she’d kept locked away, hidden from everyone, including herself.

  “Molly, you’ve not been yourself, you’ve had a hard time, and recovering from the accident has been hard, but you know what? You’re a tough cookie, don’t ever question that,” Jenna said. “Here’s the thing—you push everyone away, you’ve done it for as long as I can remember. It’s part of who you are. The whole trust thing. It’s an issue. So my advice to you is if you want Connor, if you truly love him, then you’ve got to let the guy in. Stop beating yourself up over the past. Forget it, move on and live for now, because life will pass you by and you will have so many regrets they’ll eat you alive on your deathbed.”

  Molly knew Jenna was right. She was always honest and blunt, but it was what she needed. She didn’t need anyone pussy footing around her. She needed cold, hard facts, and though they hurt, it was the bitter truth.

  “I don’t know how to fix this.”

  “Don’t dwell on that now. Just wait until you get back to the apartment. I’ll stop by and we can figure this out together. Okay?”

  “Deal!” Molly said, ending the call, mindlessly staring out at the mellow sea.

  Molly had never been this hung up over a guy before. Connor had her in a mindless state of despair. A restless energy that had her biting her nails, pacing the floors, thinking, chastising herself for how she had treated him. She didn’t even know where he lived or where he would be. All she could think of was that she had to tell him her true feelings and try to salvage what they had before it was too late.

  * * * *

  The ride back to the city was the longest ever. Molly sat in the back of the Mercedes, thinking, and too much thinking led to a headache that had her eyes blinded by the light when they finally pulled up outside her apartment block. The driver got out, opened the door and held it as Molly got out.

  “Thank you,” she said as she lifted her bag and walked inside, knowing Regina would be waiting for her.

  Molly took her time and was in no rush to hear the ‘I told you so’ or the ‘What were you thinking?’ speech. She didn’t need it. In fact, she was sure she’d have a pretty good response to anything Regina intended saying. She wasn’t a child and didn’t need the lecture. She knew it had been a bad idea, she just needed to make things right.

  Opening the door, she could hear Regina from the bedroom. Throwing her bag, she walked into Regina and Aggie’s room and saw Regina on her knees, putting some of Aggie’s belongings inside.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I think it’s about time I sorted through this clutter,” Regina replied as she folded some clothes, setting them inside.

  “But… It’s too soon,” Molly muttered as she sat on the end of the bed.

  “No, it’s been nearly a year. I think Aggie would rest better if she thought some poor soul out there got some use out of her things.”

  “Maybe,” Molly replied, lifting one of Aggie’s silk scarves, smelling it as her tears began to slip down.

  Regina looked up at Molly, her own eyes full of grief. “This was never going to be easy, but it’s the right time.”

  Nodding, Molly knelt beside Regina and began folding a small pile of clothes. Everything smelled of Aggie’s sweet musk perfume. Everything brought her grief to the surface. So much guilt, so much anger—regret.

  “How was last night?” Regina asked as she sealed a box with some tape.

  “It was…a disaster.”

  “How so?”

  “I don’t need the sermon,” Molly said, completely jumping the gun.

  “I wasn’t going to give one. But since you mentioned it, what happened?” Regina asked as she stopped what she was doing, looking at Molly, waiting for answers.

  “Nothing happened, that’s the thing. I totally rejected him. I made him feel like the world’s biggest loser.”

  “I told you that it was a bad idea. There’s too much that went wrong between you. The timing isn’t right,” Regina said as she stood, holding out her hand to Molly. “How about some cocoa?”

  Molly’s eyes were full of tears, her nose was red raw. She glanced at Regina’s hand and took it. “Okay.”

  Stirring the milky contents, Molly stared out of the window, her mind blank, not wanting to think any longer.

  “Molly, you’re like a daughter to me, so anything you do, or say, will always cause me to have an opinion,” Regina said as she touched Molly’s arm. “Your accident, whether you don’t want to admit it, was a result of what happened between you and Connor. He may not have made you drink or walk out in front of that car, but the fact remains, if things hadn’t transpired the way they did, then none of this would have happened.”

  Molly looked at her. “I know.”

  “I don’t want to be a killjoy. Hell, I know what it’s like to love, but Connor, regardless of his good intentions, may not be the one after all.”

  “But how can I get over him when he’s all I want?” Molly cried. “There’s this little part of me that blames him for everything, then the other part of me that wants to run into his arms, get lost in him and just be his. Is that so wrong?”

  “Baby girl,” Regina said as she held Molly’s hand. “Of course it’s not wrong. But can you get past the wedge that’s been created? Can you, hand on your heart, say that you won’t throw things in his face when times get tough, because, honey, no relationship, no matter how in love you are, runs smoothly. Are you able to leave the past where it belongs and move forward with your life? Because if you can’t, then I’m afraid the relationship would be doomed from day one.”

  Molly sat staring into space, completely deflated, and the only thing that pressed on her mind was Connor. Was she throwing the chance of a lifetime away based on pride and stubbornness?

  The doorbell rang.

  Molly sat upright, her posture rigid. Days like that were the kind that drained her mentally and physically.

  “Come right in, Jenna, we’re in the kitchen,” Regina’s voice echoed from the hallway.

  Jenna’s footsteps were loud on the wooden floor. When she popped her head in the doorway, her broad smile beamed as she waved to Molly. “Now why so glum?”

  “She’s lovesick,” Regina said as she walked past her, lifting her cup. “And it seems that our little lamb is lost.”

  “Then we’d better point her in the right direction, hmm?”

  Jenna sat down on a chair beside Molly, folding her arms across her chest. She was clearly waiting for her to say something.

  “What?” Molly asked.

  “If you want this man, then you are going to have to cut out this whole bullshit of sitting here, wallowing. No one likes pity parties and we both know how those end so buckle up, and do what you want to do.” Jenna was pretty direct when she spoke. “Where’s the girl with the fire in her heart?”

  “Burning.” Molly sighed.

  “See, this is what it’s like,” Regina complained. “If you love this man, regardless of his indiscretion, then you and only you need to let him know.”

  “Gina’s right and you know it,” Jenna was quick to back her up.

  “I
broke his heart last night. He told me he loved me and I rejected him. Who does something like that? A cold-hearted bitch, that’s who. Maybe I’m like my folks after all.”

  “Want some cake to go with all the woe?” Jenna asked, not giving in to her self-deprecation.

  “Fuck off,” Molly said in defense.

  “Hey, less of that,” Regina piped in. “Aggie would have given you a good slap for that.”

  Regina was right. If there was one thing Aggie hated more than marshmallows, it was bad language. The two left a nasty taste in her mouth and she didn’t allow either in the apartment.

  “Sorry,” Molly muttered as she held her cup of cocoa in her hands.

  “Molls, you need to chase your dreams. If you want him, then go get him.” Jenna again was straight to the point.

  “Yeah, about that,” Molly said, raising her eyebrows, “do you happen to know where he lives, or, erm, maybe, where Ellison Enterprises is? Maybe Barry can do a little digging for me?”

  Both Regina and Jenna looked at each other, sighing and shaking their heads.

  “Only you, Molly, only you!” Regina said.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “Here, have some more bacon,” Eleanor said as she handed the platter to Connor, who sat across from her.

  “The flight will leave tomorrow,” John said as he ate a mouthful of sausage.

  “I thought Monday?” Connor inquired.

  “Yes, but we had some changes to make. Liao Minsheng wishes to meet you in person, introduce you to some of the directors before he leaves for Europe on Tuesday. Edward will be going with you. I’ve promoted him and he’s a good asset to the Hong Kong branch.” John sipped at his coffee, observing Connor the whole time.

  “I see,” Connor muttered. His appetite wasn’t great. He struggled to eat as his mother continued to ply him with food.

  “Liao is more than happy to shadow you once he’s back from his trip. He’s keen to show you the ropes and I am sure you will get on with him,” John said as he sat back, looking very pleased with himself.

  “How was your trip to the beach house last night?” Eleanor asked, raising an eyebrow.