The Tied Man

by McGowan, Tabitha

  ‘Aha.’

  ‘I look about twelve, huh?’

  ‘If that.’

  ‘January it was, and fucking freezing. Day after that was taken, I was done over by a punter – a real vicious bastard. Liked it rough. Dragged me into a public lav, fucked me like an animal, then legged it with a day’s takings and my wrap of smack. Next thing, this posh cow got me in her car, stuck a glass of whiskey in my hand and told me she could take me away from it all. I was a sucker for a cliché.’

  ‘She arranged the whole thing,’ Lilith stated, seeing through the bullshit in a way that I had failed to.

  ‘See, you’re way smarter than me. The entire time she was talking, she was playing with this poly bag with half a gram of pharmaceutical grade smack in it. By the time she shoved a contract under my nose, I was slavering like a mad dog.’ I shook my head at my stupidity. ‘Let’s just say she got a damn good deal.’

  ‘What were the terms?’

  It hurt to remember. ‘One-off payment of twenty thousand Euros. For future services rendered.’

  ‘And that was, what? Ten to each sister?’

  I groaned. ‘Hell. She told you.’

  ‘There’s nothing else that could really keep you here, is there?’ Lilith was suddenly gentle. ‘I mean, it wasn’t just your habit – you can pick that shit up anywhere. And this is her speciality, after all. Threatening the people we... well, we care about.’

  There was no longer any point in keeping this, the last of my big secrets. Suddenly I wanted her to know everything. ‘Niamh. She’ll be nineteen now. And Sinéad. Fourteen. God, the pair of them are beautiful. All three of us named in a blaze of pissed-up nationalistic splendour, and none of us with the same da.’ I couldn’t remember the last time I had spoken their names out loud. ‘Couple of months after I tried to do the runner – the do with the police helicopter, yeah? – I’d had enough. Wanted out, whatever it took. Rattled until I’d saved up enough to do the job. Felt like it was the easiest thing in the world.’

  ‘But?’

  ‘Ha. Always that ‘but’. I woke up in here with a tube down my throat and Doctor Parnell draining my stomach into a bucket.’

  Bran whined in protest at the close embrace and I let her go. She padded over to Lilith, who reached a hand out to pet her. ‘What did she do?’

  ‘Two newspaper clippings from Dublin waiting for me once I’d slept it off. Both on page bloody thirteen, or something – pikeys don’t make front page unless we’re the ones causing the trouble. Unconnected incidents on the same estate. An eleven-year old kid assaulted on her way home from school, and a fire in a block of flats. Sixteen-year old girl treated for smoke inhalation. Less than twenty four hours after I’d swallowed the last tablet.’

  I was grateful for Lilith’s composure. Any sympathy would have cut like a knife right then. She just gave a nod and asked, ‘How?’

  ‘The O’Halloran family. Well, one in particular. Coyle’s identical twin – Ciaran. He would have done both jobs for free. Actually, he’s the kind of guy who would have paid, just for the sport. Makes Coyle look like the Dalai Lama.’ I dug a nail into the skin by my left thumbnail for reassurance and pulled until a tiny sphere of blood appeared. ‘So anyway, Coyle, and Ciaran, and Blaine – they still know where the girls live. They know and I don’t. Not anymore. I’ve done my best to be a good boy ever since. So there you have it.’

  Lilith sat back, one hand still rhythmically stroking Bran’s ears, and considered everything I’d told her. She looked completely spent. ‘Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. It’s... refreshing. Around here, I mean.’

  ‘Any time. So. What now?’

  ‘Me? I’m going for a run.’

  ‘That’s not...’

  ‘I know. Truth is, I can’t think about it, Finn. Not now. So I’m going to do a few hundred more circuits around the same bloody island. By my calculations, if I’d have been running in a straight line, I’d be in Kazakhstan by now.’

  ‘It’s meant to be nice this time of year.’

  ‘Yeah? Might try it. Better than fucking Northumberland.’ She released Bran so that she came trotting back to me. ‘And you?’

  ‘Sleep, if it’ll come. If not, I’ll read. Nothing heavy. I’ve got one of Henry’s poof style magazines lurking somewhere, if you didn’t shovel it up in your blitz.’ I looked around the transformed space for the first time. ‘Wow. Would you look at that? I have a floor. Nice to know something good came out of all this.’

  Lilith stood to leave. ‘Yup. We’re both screwed all to hell, but at least you’ve got a nice tidy room.’

  ‘Silver linings and all that.’

  ‘Yeah, silver linings.’ Lilith scratched Bran behind the ears, and my dog gave a soft grunt of pleasure. ‘Try and get some rest, huh?’ She picked up the bags of rubbish and left. I covered my head with a pillow and knew that sleep was beyond me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lilith

  Following Blaine’s latest twist of the knife, we had weeks of warped normality to lull me into complacency. The summer reached its late peak and I hid in my studio and engrossed myself in the portrait that I was now treating as a technical drawing until something resembling inspiration ever felt like turning up.

  At least I had begun to apply paint to canvas, and Blaine’s daily sittings became a once-a-week ordeal as I worked more and more from memory. According to Henry, she was caught up in the organisation of some charity fundraiser or other – her Lady Bountiful mask that she wore to the rest of the world – and that suited me just fine.

  On the hottest day of the year, the smell of linseed oil hung heavy in the humid air, seeping into my clothes and lingering on my skin. The familiar scent taunted me with memories and I had to stop and check myself before homesickness dealt its sucker punch. I continued to tell myself that each brush-stroke took me one step nearer Santa Marita, but even this was sullied. Every image that I constructed was immediately polluted by what I would leave behind.

  *****

  After twelve hours of standing at the easel, I reluctantly conceded defeat. The best of the light had faded over an hour before, and I fell into the armchair and closed my stinging eyes. When I reopened them minutes later, Blaine was standing in front of me with an amused look on her face. I wondered how long she had been there watching me doze.

  ‘Lilith? I hate to disturb your contemplation, but would you care to come downstairs? There’s someone I’m dying for you to meet.’

  I sighed with frustration. The only thing I really cared for at that moment was a hot bath, but the request was a direct order. ‘Give me a moment.’ I slid my feet into a pair of jewelled Moroccan slippers and grabbed a denim shirt that doubled as my smock. ‘Excuse me if I’m not dressed for company.’

  *****

  ‘Ah, here’s my artist,’ Blaine announced as I padded down the corridor and into the vast, formal drawing room. She was immaculate in a floor-length black silk skirt and teal velvet smoking jacket, and stood with a solid, ruddily handsome man in a black tie and tuxedo who reminded me of a ‘Best in Show’ bull. ‘Alasdair Dalziell, may I introduce Lilith Bresson?’ she asked.

  I shook the hand of the man who had terrorised me when I rode out with Finn. ‘We’ve met.’

  Alasdair turned to Blaine. ‘I’m afraid the entrancing Miss Bresson and I got off to a rather unfortunate start. I think her ride was a little too challenging. Not entirely her fault, mind you – you really must get your animals used to traffic, Blaine.’

  ‘Ah,’ Blaine smiled. ‘Finn mentioned she’d taken a tumble. So, that was you?’ She glanced over her shoulder. ‘Finn, darling, you didn’t tell me Alasdair was involved.’

  I hadn’t realised Finn was in the room. He sat by the fire, hidden by the high back of a green leather armchair. ‘Didn’t think it was important.'

  ‘Evening, Finn,’ I acknowledged, and he turned to raise an empty brandy glass to me, his smile already a little lop-sided. He too wore a dinner jacket, although
his bow tie remained unfastened and draped around his neck.

  ‘I thought perhaps you might partner me for dinner tonight,’ Alasdair suggested, although his self-satisfied expression said that, in his mind, there was no ‘might’ about it. He ran his hand over thick, red hair that had been gelled into submission. ‘You have no idea how hard it is to be sad and single in the company of such a perfect couple.’ Behind him, Finn caught my eye and gave a barely perceptible shake of his head. I hoped I understood.

  ‘I’m sorry, Blaine,’ I announced. ‘Thank you for the introduction, but I really don’t feel that Mr Dalziell and I have anything in common.’

  Alasdair gave an indulgent chuckle. ‘Lili – may I call you that? – I can only apologise for our unfortunate first meeting. May I suggest that you consider choosing an easier ride?’

  ‘No.’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘No, you may not suggest that, and you may not call me that, since you ask. May I suggest that if you want a fuck out of this evening, you start being nice to your right hand?’

  Finn gave a soft, choked laugh that he tried to disguise behind a cough, and Alasdair’s smile hardened. ‘I can’t say I’m not disappointed. Lady Albermarle assured me that her houseguest would be only too delighted to offer me her companionship.’ He glanced at Blaine with ill-disguised ire. ‘I’m only sorry I don’t meet with your approval.’

  The woman who prided herself on providing for her guests’ every desire struggled to recover her composure. ‘Alasdair, what can I say? I’ve clearly made a terrible error of judgement. However I’m sure there are ways we can compensate you for a wasted journey.’ She placed long fingers on his hand and lifted it to her lips, placing a delicate kiss on the back of his wrist.

  ‘Never let it be said that I’m an unreasonable man.’ Alasdair returned the kiss.

  ‘If that’ll be all?’ I asked, already edging towards the door. ‘I’m planning a prompt start tomorrow – I could do with the early night.’

  ‘Of course,’ Blaine said. ‘I’m sorry for disturbing your rest. Perhaps you’d like to take a brandy as a nightcap?’

  ‘That would be... nice, thank you,’ I faltered, relieved at getting away quite so easily.

  Finn

  I turned to Blaine. ‘I’ll leave you to it, with your permission? I’m really not that hungry.’ I knew that if I made it to the door, everything would be fine: if she was intent on screwing another man, I was usually guaranteed a quiet night, and Alasdair’s obvious desire promised to satisfy her needs. I reached the door handle and thanked God.

  ‘Wait a moment,’ Alasdair demanded.

  Yet again, God was playing the cunt. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I don’t think I like your attitude.’ Alasdair turned to Blaine, who was still pouring Lilith’s brandy. She gave a nod of approval for whatever was about to come.

  ‘I meant no offence.’ I kept my voice steady. Resigned.

  ‘I think you did. And believe me, I’m offended. Paddy.’ The last word spat at me.

  ‘Oh Finn, will you never learn?’ Blaine moved to Alasdair’s side and beginning to caress the small of his back.

  ‘D’you know what we’d do to the boys at my school who didn’t know their place?’ my latest tormentor continued.

  Whatever I said now wasn’t going to make a blind bit of difference. ‘No,’ came my disinterested reply.

  ‘Well, you’re about to find out.’ Alasdair put one elegantly clad arm around Blaine’s shoulder. ‘You say he’ll do anything?’ He kissed her forehead.

  ‘Absolutely,’ she said. ‘Lilith, I’d like you to stay a moment longer, please.’

  From the corner of my eye, I could see Lilith clutch her glass to her chest with both hands, and I desperately wished that I could magic her from the room so that she would be spared whatever sport was coming.

  ‘Excellent. On your knees, boy,’ Alasdair commanded. I obeyed without question; I pretty much knew the script from here.

  With his right hand, Alasdair undid his fly. His left hand held my jaw in a firm grip. ‘Open wide,’ he ordered, bringing out his broad, already-engorged cock and cradling it with pride. He shoved it into my mouth with a force that made me gag, and gave a small ah of pleasure. ‘That’s it. Take it like a good little paddy bastard.’

  Perhaps at first Alasdair had intended this to be an amusing preamble to screwing Blaine senseless, but that brutal, primeval drive that such men possessed took over and he grabbed my hair with a harsh grunt, using both hands to pull my head further into his rank groin. ‘Sorry,’ he gasped to Blaine between thrusts. ‘Might have to wait a while for the next performance.’

  ‘Please carry on.’ Blaine gracefully perched on the arm of a chair to better observe the show. ‘We have all night.’

  Close-trimmed nails raked my scalp and forced me ever closer, and all I could do was acquiesce as if held at gunpoint.

  Finally, he reached a vicious climax. ‘Swallow, you little bastard. Take it all or I’ll fucking strangle you.’ With a muffled, inarticulate roar he came, and ejaculated so hard into my mouth that I choked and retched.

  ‘God... That takes me back.’ Alasdair gave a depraved giggle and shoved me away from him. He grinned at Lilith. ‘One whore shuts and another one opens, eh?’

  I sat back on my heels and wiped my sleeve across my face as Lilith silently left the room.*****I knelt over the toilet bowl and forced my fingers down my throat until bitter vomit rose in my mouth and I threw up in violent spasms, feeling relief and disgust in fairly equal measure. In a life filled with crap nights, this was a real beauty. Worse had happened – and no doubt continue to happen – but tonight, Lilith had been there and seen me for who I really was. I remembered the look of horror on her face and threw up again.

  ‘Hey there.’

  I spun round, clutching a towel to my mouth. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I thought you might want some mouthwash.’ Lilith gave a grim smile, and threw me her bottle of bourbon.

  I turned the bottle in my hands, wanting to tell her to fuck off and leave me alone. Shame hardened my voice. ‘What the hell do you want me to say?’

  ‘Well, if you start with ‘Thanks for the drink,’ I’ll start with ‘Sorry I got you fucked in the mouth by an inadequate bastard’.’ Lilith took the bottle from me, uncorked it and handed it back.

  I took a long drink, swilling the whiskey around my mouth to wash away the traces of vomit and semen. Finally I swallowed, welcoming the burn of hard liquor as it hit the back of my throat. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Right, this is what I’m going to do now.’ Lilith took the bottle from me and tipping a healthy shot or three down her own throat. ‘On the basis that I can’t even begin to unravel the shit I’ve just witnessed, I’m entering an official period of denial. I’m going to get Henry to run me over to that delightful pub in the village so I can get pissed on overpriced vodka and listen to crap on the jukebox. If you want to join me, I’ll be there until your curfew.’ Without waiting for a reply, she set off back down the corridor. ‘And I’m buying,’ she called as she retreated.

  Lilith

  I stared unblinking at my seventh double vodka and tonic. Such was my demeanour that no-one approached me, and even the lecherous landlord of the Fox and Grapes kept a disrespectful distance.

  Henry had been surprised at the late request for transport to shore, but one look at my face had him putting down his copy of GQ and fetching his coat. Now I cursed myself for presuming that Finn might want to join me. I took a mouthful that drained the glass and walked over to the jukebox, staring at tracks that hadn’t been changed since before the millennium and not caring what I chose as long as the noise blocked out the sound of Alasdair Dalziell’s obscene cry of pleasure that refused to leave my skull.

  ‘Mine’s a pint.’

  Finn stood behind me, dark-ringed, bloodshot eyes still not quite meeting mine. ‘So. D’you reckon we can get pissed in an hour and a half?’

  ‘I don’t know. You’ve got some serious c
atching up to do.’

  ‘Bring it on. In fact, you don’t fancy making that two pints and a chaser, do you? Double, if you’re feeling flash. I think I puked up most of Blaine’s brandy.’*****Finn sat down to join me at a sticky, wobbling table in the furthest corner of the bar and pulled the frayed cuffs of his grey hooded top over knuckles that were raw from being forced down his throat. He took up his first drink without meeting my eye, and was halfway down the glass before he finally spoke. ‘Back there. I didn’t want... that. Him.’

  ‘I know,’ I said from under the table as I jammed a folded beer mat under one of its wooden legs.

  He gave a hard laugh of disdain. ‘Yeah, right. It’d be me giving him a blowjob that convinced you, huh?’

  I re-emerged. ‘Oh come on, Finn. What I saw back there had fuck all to do with desire, and everything to do with that twat stating his dominance. I’m surprised he didn’t just dispense with the formalities and pin you down by the neck before mounting you.’

  He risked a dark smile. ‘He’s probably saving that one for next time.’

  ‘It’s not even that it didn’t matter to him what your feelings were about the matter, is it? The very fact that you don’t ‘want it’ is the unique selling point.’

  The first pint disappeared before he spoke again. ‘Is there nothing you miss?’

  The double whiskey vanished next.

  ‘No.’ I shrugged. ‘Not really.’

  ‘You’re also kinda hard to shock.’

  ‘It might happen one day,’ I assured him. ‘Look, if you’re in the mood, feel free to talk. I warn you now I truly am the world’s worst shrink – I find my opinion keeps getting in the way, but at least I’m pissed so I won’t remember in the morning.’

  ‘I dunno. The few times I’ve opened my mouth in the past I’ve sounded like one of those books – y’know, ‘How Shite Was My Childhood – A True Story by yet another Irish White-Trash Bastard’.’

  ‘Ooh, we could have a Crap Parent competition,’ I suggested. ‘I could enter my father in the ‘Lying, Spineless Twat’ category and I reckon my mother’d be a dead cert for the ‘Schizophrenic Anorexic Prostitute’ class.’