Faith

by Lesley Pearse

  ‘What do you reckon?’ David asked as they walked back up the Grassmarket to the flat they’d rented. They were both disappointed that they hadn’t managed to get anything out of Fielding that suggested he had a motive to kill Jackie, or indeed any information about his personal and business life. The abrupt way he had cut them off suggested he was suspicious of their interest in him too.

  ‘Fielding’s a weasel,’ Stuart spat out. ‘But somehow I don’t think he had a hand in her death.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘He would never have owned up he knew Jackie if he had. He might be old but he’s no fool. Besides, it struck me that he had liked and admired her, as much as a slime-ball like that is capable of such emotions.’

  ‘So what do we do now?’

  ‘You go over to Fife tomorrow, book into Kirkmay House and see what you can get out of Belle and Charles. I’ll go and see Angela, the woman that took over Laura’s shop. I’ll join you in Fife so we can compare notes. I want to have another chat with the barmaid in Cellardyke and see if she knows who Growler is. I’ll meet you in the Smugglers Inn, on the harbour in Anstruther, at lunchtime on Tuesday. Is that okay?’

  ‘Fine,’ David replied. ‘But how did it feel facing Fielding again after all these years?’

  ‘Bit of an anti-climax, really,’ Stuart said thoughtfully. ‘He’s just an old man still playing at being a hard nut. Shame he didn’t say anything to wind me up, I could have reinstated the nightly brawls there used to be in that pub. He deserves a punch in the nose for dragging Laura into all that.’

  David said nothing for a little while. He was thinking over everything he knew about Laura and what had been added to it tonight.

  ‘What if she did really do it, Stuart?’ he said eventually.

  ‘She didn’t,’ Stuart replied.

  ‘But how can you be so sure? Lies, porn, drugs and child neglect. Why not murder too?’

  Stuart turned to him and caught him by the lapels of his jacket. For a second David thought he was going to head-butt him, something he’d seen him do to other men in the past.

  ‘I know her,’ he growled. ‘I lived with her for over two years and I saw right down to her soul. She could lie and cheat, she wanted stuff I couldn’t give her then, but she had no violence in her. I can still see right down to her soul, past all the crap life has thrown at her since we parted. And I tell you she didn’t do it.’

  ‘Okay, Stu.’ David took a step back from his friend. ‘I’m just worried you’re getting in over your head. You aren’t the same man that left Edinburgh twenty years ago, and I doubt she’s the same woman either. If only we could have got Fielding to talk more about her ruining his business!’

  ‘She didn’t,’ Stuart said. ‘She started a brand-new one. He’s just pig-sick cos he hadn’t jumped in there before her.’

  David realized then that Stuart hadn’t told him everything in Laura’s letter. ‘So what was the business then?’

  ‘Blue movies. And she made a lot of money.’

  Laura couldn’t settle to read that evening. She was twitching with anxiety, wondering what Stuart and David were doing and who they were talking to. Remembering the past was bad enough, but when she’d come to write it down, it looked even worse. She hadn’t been able to get further than telling Stuart she’d gone into making blue movies. But perhaps it was a mistake to leave why, and how, to his imagination. If he had tracked Robbie down and persuaded him to talk, he would almost certainly distort the truth.

  From the day she was stupid enough to spend the afternoon with Robbie in his hotel room, her feelings had fluctuated between gratitude to him for giving her a chance to earn good money when she most needed it, to the belief he was a rat of the highest order when she saw that he had always earmarked her for pornography. But once she had established herself as a veteran in the business, her opinion of him became ambivalent. On the rare occasions he came into the Glasgow studio she would chat to him; sometimes they even had a friendly drink together after a session.

  But in May 1977 his wife left him to go and live in France, taking their children with her, and over a drink he confided in her.

  Laura was not surprised. She knew he had been a lousy husband and an absentee father, and no doubt his wife was sick and tired of always coming second to his business interests.

  What was surprising was that Robbie was devastated. As he blurted it all out to her tears welled up in his eyes and he said he didn’t think he could live without her.

  Laura had plenty of reasons to be glad he’d got his come-uppance, not least that he was now experiencing the same kind of pain she’d felt when Stuart left her, but despite everything she couldn’t take any pleasure in his misfortune. She felt genuinely sorry for him.

  Throughout that summer she saw a great deal of him as she nursed him through his crisis. In his vulnerable and bruised state she found him to be a far nicer, gentler man than she’d thought. They had many a heart-to-heart over drinks or dinner, and he often came over to Edinburgh at weekends and took her and Barney out for the day. A seven-year-old boy needed male company and even though Laura didn’t think Robbie was an ideal father figure, he was good with Barney. He played football with him, took him on scary rides at fun fairs, and added a little balance to his otherwise female-dominated life. It was during that period that she took Robbie over to Fife to meet Jackie.

  Looking back, she supposed she wanted Jackie’s approval. She felt her friend was suspicious about how she made her living, and Robbie could be utterly charming when he chose to be. She hoped he would put Jackie’s mind at rest that both she and Barney were fine, and perhaps too she wanted to show Robbie that she did have some friends who weren’t low life.

  Jackie had developed a hard edge since she got into property; she wasn’t above a little conniving or jiggery-pokery to get what she wanted. Although Laura hadn’t been aware that day that Jackie saw Robbie as a useful ally, she clearly did, for she took his phone number and it transpired much later that she’d got him to act on her behalf in the purchase of Brodie Farm because she’d been having some problems getting it. Exactly what he did for her Laura never knew, nor did she have any idea how long they were in contact with each other afterwards. All Laura knew that day in Fife was that Jackie seemed to like Robbie, and that made Laura feel better about herself.

  She and Robbie never became lovers again, but she did come to consider him a real friend, which made his subsequent actions far less understandable.

  By the following summer their meetings had dwindled to less than one a month and Laura assumed Robbie had found a new lady. On the odd occasion he came to the studio, she was glad that he seemed perkier. He had also changed his style from always wearing sharp suits and dated slicked-back hair to casual, younger clothes and a fashionable blow-dry. She teased him about it once and he laughingly said that they all had to move with the times. That day he thanked her for her past kindness and understanding and said he would always value her friendship.

  One day in January ’78, Laura arrived at the studio as usual at ten, to find Katy and Pete, the blond hunk from Manchester, waiting outside in the cold. Katy was wearing an old embroidered Afghan coat and jeans, with a woolly hat pulled down over her ears, but she looked frozen. Pete, in a donkey jacket, didn’t appear to be suffering, just perplexed because normally the studio was open at nine.

  After an hour’s wait, all of them huddling in Laura’s car, a large van arrived and some workmen got out and opened up the studio doors. Pete went to inquire what was going on and he was told they’d been given instructions to clear the building as it was going to be used as a warehouse again.

  It was immediately obvious that Robbie had known of this for some time, and they realized he must have given up or sold his magazine business, otherwise he would have found another studio to use. All three of them were furious. Robbie knew they had rent to pay and children to provide for, yet he hadn’t even had the decency to telephone one of them to apologize. As the photo
grapher hadn’t turned up, that suggested he was in on it too.

  For Laura it felt like a stab in the back. She’d given Robbie so much of her time when he most needed a friend, listened to his angry tirades about his wife, comforted him when he said he was afraid he would never see his children again. Time and time again she’d dropped everything for him, she’d cooked him meals, washed and ironed his clothes, and Barney had formed a real attachment to him. She had believed Robbie was really fond of both of them, yet it seemed he had once again only used her for his own ends.

  Pete went off disconsolately and Laura went back with Katy to her flat to discuss what they should do. They knew if they went cap in hand to the Social they wouldn’t get any money for several weeks because they couldn’t explain how they had been living up till now.

  Katy was a good dancer, so she could go back to stripping if necessary. She had also been saying for some time that she thought she was getting too old for a business which was gradually becoming more demanding and explicit. She paid a very low rent for her flat, as well, so she didn’t feel quite as dejected as Laura, only angry that they’d been let down so suddenly.

  But for Laura it was a real calamity. She knew that a job in a shop or an office wouldn’t even cover her rent, and unlike Katy who had a mother close by to keep an eye on her children if she had to work at night, she had no one to help her out with Barney.

  They talked and talked around the subject. Katy even suggested that if push came to shove Laura could move to Glasgow where rents were lower and maybe take in a lodger who would babysit in the evenings so she could get work in a night club.

  Laura asked her if she knew anyone else that produced pornographic magazines, for she was loath to give up her flat and work for far less money.

  ‘No, I don’t. Blue movies are the hot thing now anyway,’ Katy said gloomily. ‘And we aren’t up to starring in one of those. They want nubile sixteen-year-olds.’

  ‘So maybe we should make one,’ Laura retorted. ‘There isn’t much we don’t know about porn between us.’

  It was like a flash of lightning brightening up the shabby room. They looked at each other and both grinned. ‘Could we do it?’ Katy asked breathlessly.

  ‘I don’t see why not. If we could find a photographer who has his heart set on becoming a film-maker, a couple of girls and the right man, we could start our own company.’

  It seemed a preposterous idea, well out of their league, but at the same time it appeared startlingly right. For Laura, too, the thought of getting some revenge on Robbie was sweet. He would be pig-sick if they beat him at his own game.

  ‘There’s Tod,’ Katy said excitedly. Tod had often been used as a stand-in for the regular photographer, and he’d told them he much preferred making films, though the only paid work he’d ever had in filming was doing a couple of short documentaries. Both girls liked him too; he was young and funny and he made things much less embarrassing for everyone.

  ‘I could write the script and market the first film,’ Laura said. ‘Let’s face it, you don’t need much of a script anyway.’

  Katy giggled. ‘I’m pretty certain I could get a couple of girls, and Pete would be glad to be in it,’ she said. ‘But what would we do for a studio, and how would we distribute the film? Do you know anything about that?’

  ‘We could make the first film in my flat in Edinburgh,’ Laura suggested. ‘That won’t cost us anything. As for the distribution, I can find out about that.’

  ‘But we haven’t got any money to pay anyone.’ Katy’s face fell. ‘We’ll never get it off the ground.’

  ‘I’ll borrow some,’ Laura said, thinking of Jackie. ‘Look, I spent most of my early life in promotional work, this isn’t that different. We can do it.’

  They did do it too. Laura borrowed £1,000 from Jackie, telling her she wanted it to start up an agency for promotional work, running it from her home. She did of course get the inevitable lecture about keeping proper books and getting receipts for everything, but Jackie appeared really happy that Laura was doing what she called ‘pulling her life together’.

  Pete came in on it, bringing with him a petite redhead called Tansin, who had the biggest breasts any of them had ever seen, and Katy found Jazz, a pretty black prostitute who didn’t want to work at nights because she had a child.

  Tod joined them, bringing with him a wealth of knowledge about filming, and his charm. Laura had always secretly fancied him; he had an elfin look, with tiny sharp features, spiky hair and rather large ears, but the best thing about him was that he was very articulate and quick-witted, as well as being fun to be around.

  He sent Laura to charm Sid Lyons, a night-club owner who was always interested in diversifying. Sid was in his late fifties, a great bull of a man with a hooked nose and a reputation for being as hard as nails. But he must have taken to her, for he promised that if the first video they made was up to scratch, he knew people who would distribute it. He wanted a half share of the profits, but he seemed sure that they would both make a fortune. Laura didn’t believe he would have entertained her plan for a moment if he hadn’t thought it would succeed.

  The script and stage directions she wrote were laughably amateurish. Pete was to be a man interviewing young women for a job as his maid. Tansin arrives and he asks that she try on her uniform, which of course is a short black dress and a frilly apron. But the dress is too small to cover her breasts, so he calls in his current maid, Jazz, to help.

  Pete was surprisingly good at acting, but then he said he was only playing out a first-class fantasy of being a rich man employing maids and having his way with them. Tansin was quite vacuous, but her breasts and her pert bottom were virtually stars in their own right, so her wooden dialogue didn’t really matter. Jazz played her role as the more experienced maid instructing the newest recruit in pleasing their master with great enthusiasm and sauciness.

  It was a bitterly cold day in March when they began filming, but with the curtains tightly drawn, the fire blazing and all the extra lights Tod had brought with him, it was baking hot in the lounge. They had all snorted some coke, and loosened up so much they often had to break off because someone got a fit of the giggles at the wrong moment. Laura and Katy came up with more and more lewd ideas once they’d got into the swing of things, and at three o’clock when they had to stop because Barney would be coming home from school, no one was anxious to go home.

  Filming was finished the following afternoon. It took Tod two days to edit it, and another week for him to get a friend to convert the cine film on to a video tape. Laura had to drive over to Glasgow on the Friday night to watch it with Katy, then take it down to Sid. She left Barney that night with Helen, a sixteen-year-old babysitter whose phone number she’d got from a postcard in a shop window. Helen was prepared to stay the night if Laura wasn’t home by midnight.

  It was far more shocking looking at the video than it had been watching it being filmed. Laura was well used to seeing pornographic photographs, but they were just poses, this was real sex. She squirmed at the bit when Pete supposedly ejaculated on Jazz’s face, even though she was the one who mixed up a bit of wallpaper paste for the scene and knew perfectly well it wasn’t the real thing. And at the end of the film, after Pete had said goodbye to the two girls, then turned back to the settee to pick up a pair of flimsy red knickers and sniff them, her stomach churned. That was the settee she sat on with her eight-year-old son, and she felt ashamed that all that had gone on in the flat while he’d been at school.

  ‘It’s great, far better than I expected,’ Katy chortled. ‘Eat your heart out, Robbie, we’re going to be in the money.’

  Laura didn’t stay with Sid in his office at the back of his club as he watched it, she couldn’t. She went into the bar and ordered a double vodka which she gulped down quickly. She didn’t dare think what she’d do if Sid didn’t like it.

  But Sid did like it. He had thousands of copies made and sold them on to various outlets in all the major c
ities. After taking out all the expenses, and repaying the £1,000 loan from Jackie, Laura and Katy got just over £900 each.

  While they were jubilant that it had been such a success, the money had taken a long time to come in, and they’d eaten up what little savings they had. They’d both been forced to get bar work while they waited. Now they had to get stuck into making another film and turn it around more quickly.

  Maybe if Barney had been a little more clingy or difficult, Laura might have stopped just long enough to consider him. But he was the easiest, most sunny-natured eight-year-old she’d ever met. He didn’t mind coming home from school and letting himself into an empty flat. He’d happily make himself a sandwich and go out to play until she turned up. During the evenings she was on the phone all the time, and sometimes when she put it down she’d find he’d not only gone to bed all by himself, but washed up their supper things and tidied the kitchen too.

  She and Katy made ten films that first year and a great deal of money, but it was never as easy again as it had been with the first one. They couldn’t keep using the same people, and finding new talent was time-consuming and difficult. The girls had to be under thirty and attractive, and only someone really down on their luck would entertain the idea of starring in a blue movie. So they had to trawl through strip clubs, bingo halls, even resorting to hanging around Social Security offices to look for someone suitable to approach. But most of the girls they found chickened out the moment they saw the camera, and often they had to offer these girls money to stop them from talking.

  Nor could they keep using Laura’s flat. It was expensive to rent a studio and they had to have props and backdrops to make it look professional. Occasionally they took a hotel room for a couple of days, but this was fraught with the danger the hotel manager might suspect they weren’t using it for a sales conference as they’d claimed. They made three films right out in the country in the Borders during the summer, but though isolated places seemed like a good idea while dreaming up a torrid camping story at home, in practice there were cow pats, flies, midges and the cold to contend with. Even reliable, ever-hard Pete, as they jokingly called him, sometimes couldn’t rise to the occasion in a high wind or a sudden shower.