“Yeah. And what he told you about it.”
I swallowed down my concern as she offered me her hand.
“What do you think?” She stepped closer to me until our lips were inches apart. “Did you want to try it again?”
Before I could answer, she pressed her lips against mine. She gave me a slow, open-mouthed kiss.
I put my hands on her shoulder and pushed her away. “Maybe? I don’t know. I’m still confused about it all.”
“What’s the confusion?”
“I love Beau.”
“And? He’s said he’s okay with it.”
“Well, I don’t want to lead you on.”
“I know where I stand now,” she said. “I know where I’ve always stood, and I’m okay with it. If you want to explore, well, I’ll be there. It’s not going to hurt anyone.”
“What if I choose not to?”
“That’s a valid choice too.” She squeezed my hand. “And it wouldn’t change us.”
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as she brushed her hand over my cheek.
A crunching against the rocks signalled that Beau had returned. I wasn’t sure how close he’d been, whether he’d seen her kiss me or heard what she’d asked. I worried maybe his words were only words and he would change his mind when confronted with the image of us close together. Angel didn’t release my hand though, and Beau grabbed my other hand and offered me a small smile. With each of my hands in theirs, I was complete. This was what I’d been searching for the whole time Angel was gone. Regardless of what came next, Beau was right. She owned half of my heart. She had for years, and she always would.
“I WAS thinking . . .” I didn’t know how to say the words to Beau.
After our walk, we’d returned to the resort for lunch, and then Angel had headed back to her room. Now, hours later, I still couldn’t get Beau’s words, Angel’s kiss, and everything that had happened, out of my head. Despite what he’d said, it was still odd to me to think about asking what I was going to ask.
“What’s up, darlin’?”
“Well, if you don’t mind, and please tell me if you do, but I was thinking if you really don’t, I might go see Angel tonight.”
He stared at me as if trying to see through everything to the heart of me.
“I just . . . everyone is due to arrive in the next couple of days, and then it’ll be our wedding on Saturday, and I don’t want—” I cut off, worried he might take my request the wrong way. “Never mind.”
“No, darlin’, if ya want somethin’, ya just have to ask.”
I sighed and played with the ends of my hair. “I know I said a few months ago that I wasn’t ever going to get married, and that’s obviously changed, but that doesn’t change how I feel about marriage. For me, it’s important. It’s a commitment that I don’t take lightly.”
“Me either.”
“What you said about seeing where things would go with Angel. After our wedding, I won’t. I can’t. It’s just not in me.”
“Okay.”
“So I guess . . . what I’m saying . . . God, why is this so hard?”
He caressed my cheeks. “I think I know what you’re tryin’ ta ask, and it’s okay. I told ya already that it’s okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Go to her, darlin’. Have fun.”
I chuckled. “And tell you all about it when we’re done?”
He swallowed, and I saw a shadow of doubt pass over him.
“Actually, don’t worry about it,” I said.
“Why?”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Beau. I’m not going to visit Angel and see where things go if it’s going to hurt you.”
“It ain’t—”
“It is. I can see it buried in your eyes.”
He shook his head. “It really ain’t.”
“Then what was—” I brushed my fingers under his eyes. “What did I see? It looked like jealousy.”
“Don’t worry.”
“I am going to worry. Please? You’ve given me this permission, and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t even know if I want to do anything. I just don’t want to turn around in a few months and wish that I had.”
His arms wrapped around my waist. “I am a li’l jealous.”
“Then I won’t—”
He cut me off with a kiss. “Not the way ya think.” His lips traced my skin. “I’d give anythin’ to be there with ya.”
“Watching?”
He groaned and held me tighter, answering my question without words.
“Who knew you were such a voyeur,” I said, wrapping my hands around his jaw and guiding his lips to mine.
“I might go down to the kitchen to spend some time with Mitch. Apparently he’s been a li’l lonely lately.”
“Because of Cassidee and Joe?”
“Heh, she told ya ’bout them, did she?”
“I’m happy for her. There are worse guys in the world, that’s for sure.”
With our nights set, we broke apart to get ready. As I showered and tried to work out what the hell I was doing—whether I really wanted to go through with it—my thumb rubbed over my engagement ring.
Eternity.
That’s the time I had with Beau. Didn’t I owe it to Angel to have one night? It was what I’d promised her for years, even if it had been a joke initially.
I checked myself in the mirror again, and as I did, my heart pattered against my chest. By the time I’d finished my make-up, I was practically catwalk ready. My hair was perfectly curled, my makeup thick and heavy—flawless contouring, dark smoky eyes, and bright red lips. The effect was stunning, even if the woman in the mirror barely resembled the real me anymore.
With a breath to harden my resolve, I slipped into the matching bra and panties set. It was the same one I’d worn when Angel had taken the photos of me on my bike so long ago. She’d made it pretty clear that day what she thought of the set. Now I knew her words weren’t purely innocent joking, I could see the truth in everything she’d said. I wanted to please her.
I slipped a long jacket on over the top. It was a little short, barely skimming my thighs, but the walk from Beau’s house to the hotel room Angel was staying in wasn’t that long. Another breath, and one more check in the mirror and I was ready to go.
At least I thought I was.
When I reached the door, my hand started to shake. It was just because so much was going to change. Things would be different after I went to her tonight. Whatever happened, our relationship would never be the same again.
It wasn’t anyway.
I closed my eyes, drew in another bracing breath, and slipped into my stilettos.
“WOW!” BEAU’S GAZE trailed over me when I hit the living room. He didn’t say anything about the jacket I had on. “Maybe we should both just stay here instead?”
I grinned at him. “You’re still okay with this?”
“Course, darlin’. I said I was. I ain’t gonna lie, it’s gonna be hard tearin’ myself from your side tonight though.”
I offered him the crook of my arm, and we left the house.
With him at my side, we walked the paths that would take me to Angel’s room. While we went, what might happen next ran through my head over and over.
It was right to do this now before I married Beau. After Saturday, I would be committed to him 100 percent, regardless of whatever permission he granted me to explore things with Angel. Better to try before then. Not that any attempts to further things between Angel and me would change anything. I knew Beau was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Even though I loved Angel, Beau was the one I wanted to commit myself to.
Beau left me at the hotel entrance and waited until I was inside. Keeping my head ducked, and my arms wrapped tightly around myself to ensure the jacket didn’t fall open and reveal to the world how little I wore, I moved down the corridor towards Angel’s room. My heart hammered with each step.
I reached the door to Angel
’s hotel room, and I fidgeted as I tried to steel myself enough to knock. She didn’t know I was coming, I’d never confirmed that I would, but I was sure she wouldn’t send me away. I straightened the jacket, spent a minute debating whether to leave it closed so that she could make the first move or let it hang open so that I could make clear my intentions, and then ran my fingers through my hair to fluff up my curls again.
After opening the jacket for the third time, I knocked on the door before I could overthink anything else. It wasn’t long before it swung open to reveal Angel standing in a nightshirt and little else. The neck of the oversized sleepwear hung off one shoulder, revealing her tanned skin just begging for attention.
“Ph—”
Lifting my hand straight into her hair to draw her to me, I cut her off with a kiss. Her lips moulded to mine and her mouth opened to allow my tongue to slip inside. My breath caught in my chest at the feel of her lips against mine. It was the same dive into perfection it had been every time so far.
Her hands lifted and her fingertips trailed over my waist and hips. She pushed me away and drew me closer in equal parts.
I stepped back just enough to put some space between us. “Hi,” I said before my teeth found my bottom lip.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, equally as breathless.
“I . . . well . . . what Beau said . . . what you asked . . . I thought maybe it would be okay if we . . . you know . . . tried to find out what it might be like to be with each other.” I swallowed to shake the sticky sensation in my mouth that was claiming over half of my words.
A little gasp passed through her lips. “What’s this though?” She flourished her hand in front of me.
“I-I wanted to look good for you.” I dropped my gaze and held my hands behind my back. She hadn’t invited me in yet, and that fact hadn’t escaped me. My cheeks burned hotter with every second that passed between us.
Her brow dipped, and she opened her mouth before closing it again.
I lifted my gaze to meet hers, and her frown deepened.
“Go back to Beau, Phoebe,” she said after a moment, reaching forward to draw the edges of my jacket together. Her tone was hard and hit me like an axe in my chest
“W-what?” I wrapped my arms around myself. “Don’t you want me?”
She gave me a sad little smile and took one of my curls between her fingers. “I’ve wanted you since before I even knew what that meant.”
“What’s wrong then?”
She cupped my jaw and traced her thumb over my cheek. “You don’t want me.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
Her gaze locked with mine. “Are you?”
“What do you mean?”
Her hand moved over my jaw and then her thumb swiped over my lips. She held her thumb up so I could see the smear of red. “What’s this?”
“A bit of make-up.”
“It’s a mask,” she accused. “How long did it take you to put it all on?” Before she gave me a chance to speak, she continued. “You couldn’t come see me without it, could you?”
I couldn’t answer in any way but to frown at her words. “It-it’s not that.”
She sighed and stepped back. “Come in.”
Without waiting to see whether I would, she walked away—towards the bathroom.
“Take a seat on the couch,” she called back to me.
Doing up the buttons on my jacket, I followed her instructions. My face still burned and my body shook slightly. I kept screwing up when it came to Angel.
She came back out with a small packet in her hands and took a seat on the coffee table in front of me after dragging it closer to me.
“Talk to me,” she said as she tugged a wipe free of the packet. With her tone and the newfound wisdom in her eyes, she reminded me more of my mother than the friend she’d been before she left. “Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“Beau said he was happy for me to come here to you.”
“So you’re here for Beau?” Her gaze met mine and she leant forward to clean my cheek with the make-up wipe.
“No. I’m here for you, and for me. Like you asked. Once I’m married, I’m married. Now, well I’m not married yet and if there is any doubt I want to resolve it now.”
One corner of her lips tipped up as she moved to wipe my lips clean. “There isn’t any doubt though, is there? I mean, I’ve seen you with Beau, and I know you love him so much. That’s why I went away.”
I closed my eyes at the reminder. Tears flooded in behind my closed lids. Thankfully, her attention with the make-up wipe on my lips gave me an excuse not to talk.
When I opened my eyes again, she frowned at me—possibly because she could see the tears.
“It hurt so much when you left,” I admitted. “And then seeing you again and watching you last night, it . . . it was everything. I told you on the pier that I love you like a sister, and after last night, I know I was wrong about that. I love you differently to that. If Beau hadn’t walked in, I-I think I would have pushed it further.”
“So you wanted to sleep with me?” She started cleaning my face again, the feel of her fingers beneath the wipe sent shudders racing through me.
“I don’t know. I might have, and I don’t want to lose you again.”
“I appreciate this effort, girlie, I really do. It means a lot to me that you’d put your happiness on hold to do something for me. But you don’t want me, Pheebs.”
“I do.”
“You don’t.” She shook her head and kept wiping my face with her gentle strokes. “If you did, you wouldn’t have needed to put on a costume to come to me now.”
I thought about her words. She’d called it a mask and now a costume? Was that what I’d done? It was hair and make-up, and a sexy outfit. It wasn’t anything outlandish, just something to try to ensure I didn’t mess things up. It was . . .
Oh god, it was a costume.
“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping over my mouth again so I couldn’t ask what she meant without getting a mouthful of chemicals. “I think I hurt you with my admission and with the way I left. I should’ve known it wouldn’t be easy on either of us to walk away from each other, and I think I underestimated how you felt after everything you’ve been through. I thought you wouldn’t care if I left.”
“I’m sorry for making you feel that way.” My tears ran thick and started to fall. She grabbed another wipe and cleaned around my eyes, wiping at my tears.
When she finished my eyes, she dropped the wipe onto the coffee table beside her.
“There you are.” She gave me a small smile as she cupped my face with both her hands. “This, here, this is the woman I love.”
She said it so plainly that I could see it wasn’t designed to be a seduction. Our eyes locked and the sorrow and unspoken things passed between us. I sobbed and threw myself into her arms. The embarrassment of my failed attempt at seduction still coated my skin, and I wondered whether we could ever get back to what we had.
“Wait here,” she said, drawing out of my arms.
While I did as she asked, I tucked my legs into my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Whatever she had planned didn’t take long, and then she was back at my side. She placed a plate in front of me and then offered me a warm mug. I clasped it in my hands, hoping that focusing on keeping the liquid inside the cup would still my shakes.
“Some supplies I was sent from home.” She offered with a wink. “A nice hot Milo and Tim Tams.”
She sat beside me, leant forward and grabbed the plate before holding it up to offer me one of the biscuits. “We might not share a bed tonight, but I can still give you all the orgasms you could want.” Her tone hinted at teasing as I took one of the chocolate treats, even if it didn’t quite sound the same as the way we used to talk to each other. “At least so long as you don’t want more than nine.”
I chuckle-sobbed. “Aren’t there usually eleven Tim Tams in a packet?”
“Yeah, but I demand
at least two orgasms.” She nudged my shoulder before biting off one corner of the Tim Tam she’d grabbed. I followed suit as she bit off the diagonally opposite corner before sucking the warm Milo through the Tim Tam like a straw.
Once the chocolatey milk hit my tongue, I popped the whole biscuit into my mouth and let it fall to pieces.
“Is that what you needed?” Angel asked, her own treat hovering just above her hot milo.
Unable to speak around the mess in my mouth, I shrugged. Once I’d swallowed and swished my tongue around to clean off my teeth, I admitted, “I don’t know what I need. I just don’t know what’s going on up here lately.” I tapped my forehead. “Ever since I started to come back to who I used to be, I’ve felt more lost than ever.”
“I know I have no right to say this, but talk to me. I’m here for you.”
“You have every right. You’re still my best friend . . .” I frowned at the words she’d said before she left me came flooding back in. “Even if the opposite isn’t true.”
Her jaw clenched, and her fingers curled into a fist. She stretched out her fingers and twisted towards me, resting one hand on my bare knee. “I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now. I didn’t mean to hurt you, girlie. I hate that I did. It’s no wonder you came here to throw yourself at me—you don’t want to get hurt again.”
I hadn’t had time to process it properly, the last few days had been a whirlwind of emotions, and they still whipped through me. On top of the way I’d already felt—adrift and lacking of everything that had made me me.
“I don’t want to lose you,” I said again.
She wrapped herself around me, holding on as tightly as we had at the jetty earlier. “You’re not going to lose me. No matter what.”
“I need you, Angel. More than I ever have. I—” I cut off, unsure how to say what I needed to talk to her about—the things I hadn’t been able to speak aloud to anyone else. “We were trying for a baby when . . .” I swallowed. “It might be the reason I got sicker, and I guess now that I’ve had time to think about it all, I wonder whether I’m making a mistake.”
“What?”
“With Beau. Am I making a mistake getting married?”
Phantom (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #5) Page 22