by M Helbig
All eyes followed her line of sight to a large object behind me. True to her word, there was a large stone statue of a woman in a purple toga, with blonde hair in elaborate ringlets piled on top of her head. Her eyes burned bright red and seemed to be staring right at me, though the absence of visible pupils indicated that might have been my imagination. I wasn’t sure how I’d missed it, but with Alizia’s antics going full throttle, I probably wouldn’t have noticed a parade full of giants in tutus banging gongs.
“Alizia, to the front,” I said. “Now we know why they wouldn’t come in here.”
Olaf summoned his dagger. “When scary things suddenly back away, it is usually because something much scarier is nearby.”
Alizia raised her shield and reluctantly moved between the rest of the group and the statue. “Don’t see what the big deal is. It’s only a statue.”
I pointed behind me to the doorway. “And how would you describe those constructs?”
Alizia scratched her head with her scepter. “Like pieces of statues that move . . . Ohh!” She quickly raised her shield and braced herself.
I prepared to cast a heal, but fortunately it hadn’t moved. I decided to hit it with Inspect before the fight got in full swing.
Item: Statue of Ulinnia
Rarity: Mythical
Weight: 500 Pebbles
Description: After the fall of Gerinashu the Beige, his remaining followers devolved into multiple squabbling groups. Chief among them were the Sculptors of Grimrag and Constructs of Gerinashu. Once the most inseparable of allies, these two groups stood divided over the fate of Gerinashu’s consort, Ulinnia.
The Constructs blamed their lord’s fall entirely on her, as after the death of her physical body Gerinashu had spent nearly all his time creating a new, stone body for her, leaving him ill prepared for the coalition that formed and ultimately defeated him. The Sculptors, on the other hand, felt their lord would want them to look after her, and also knew she was probably the only new leader the majority of the factions would accept.
The Constructs struck first, slaying all of the Sculptors but one. They forced him to freeze every joint in Ulinnia’s new body so she could perform permanent penance for her role in the defeat of their master. Once his work was completed, they slew the last of the Sculptors with his own tool.
“Back off, guys, it’s an actual statue,” I said. “Inspect’s showing it as an item, not a mob.”
“What’s the difference?” Yary asked.
“Mobs can move and hit you,” Olaf said. “Items cannot.”
Alizia tapped it with her scepter but scurried back in fear that it might come to life.
“So, if it can’t move, then why are the constructs too afraid to come in here?” Yary asked.
“According to the description, this thing is actually alive, but unable to move,” I said. “They froze her like this. Must be afraid she’ll one day break free and get revenge on them.”
Olaf moved forward and bent down in front of the statue. “While that is some fascinating lore, it does not help us get out of here. Alizia’s earlier comment is still true. If there is a secret passage in here, it will likely be under this statue . . . hmm.” Olaf rubbed the dust off a large plaque. “Aha!”
Olaf has shared a quest with you. Do you accept?
Quest: You Think You Have Joint Pain?
Description: In a fit of betrayal worthy of legend within a role-playing game, the Constructs of Gerinashu forced Chiselbeard the Great to freeze their master’s consort Ulinnia for all of time in penance for her role in his fall.
Seems a bit much, doesn’t it? While you’re just standing there, would you mind freeing her?
Completion Objective: Release Ulinnia from her frozen state
Reward: 70,000 EXP, +2,000 Faction with the Town of Grimrag, -4,000 Faction with Followers of Gerinashu
“Gah, I hate when this happens,” Yary said. “They give you a nice pile of things to punch, but suddenly you have to waste time doing a stupid puzzle and thinking before you can go back to the fun parts.”
Alizia winked at her. “Twins separated at birth, we are.”
“I bet if we free her, the secret passage will be revealed,” Olaf said.
“Possible,” I said. “But it sounds like she’s conscious in there. While I know this place isn’t always realistic, there’s no telling what kind of state she’ll be in if we do let her loose.”
Alizia scratched her chin. “Angry, probably murdery. I know that’s how I’d be if I was stuck in last millennium’s fashions.”
“Exactly,” I said. “I think Olaf should make sure he can’t find another secret passage before we try that.”
“While we try to dig our way out Shawshank Redemption-style.” Alizia summoned a bunch of shovels and grinned at me.
“Does anyone have the Mining skill?” I asked. “Or a spare point to learn it with?”
“Nope,” Alizia said as she began digging. “All my points are either spent or being saved for when I unlock the Bard class. Ukulele and Kazoo skills, here I come!”
Yary grumbled but started digging. “Even if I hadn’t already spent all my skill selections, there’s no way I’d waste a point on this. If I’d wanted to do manual labor, I’d have stayed on Earth.”
Almost immediately I unlocked the Mining skill, but I didn’t have any points left to put into it. It didn’t seem to matter as the dirt still came up all the same. I imagined that if we had the skill, we would’ve been faster and gotten more dirt per shovelful. While Olaf continued searching every inch of the room, the rest of us managed to get a pretty respectable hole. After almost thirty minutes, Olaf finally reached the last corner to no result. He had decided to start again from the beginning when the ground in our hole began to shake. All three of us leapt out and stared at it.
“Woo-hoo!” Alizia said. “We done found ourselves some worm people or giant prairie dogs? Giant-prairie-dog people!”
“Neat,” Yary said. “I’ve always wanted to punch whatever that is.”
Finally, the shaking from the hole reached its crescendo. Alizia squealed in glee as whatever was causing it looked finally ready to reveal itself. Her reward for the wait was rather poor, as the only thing that came out was a blindingly bright light and a loud pop. When our vision returned, we found an enemy more terrible than anything we could’ve imagined: level ground.
Alizia tossed her traitorous shovel at the spot. “What the heck was that? Fairy God Hole-Filler?”
Yary jumped up and down on the spot. “Not fair.”
I checked the skill description for Mining to see if it offered a clue.
Mining: Dig it!
Description: Tired of having to pay the outrageous prices the super-secret Metal & Novelty Holiday Sock Cabal charges for their ingots? Want to make some money? Have a shovel and pickaxe fetish?
If any of those describe you, then we at Pyrite Games highly recommend you pick up the Mining skill. With just a few shovelfuls in the right mountainside, you can become the proud owner of iron ore, copper ore, tin ore, and those other ores.
In addition, you can dig tunnels! Digging without the Mining skill can result in unfortunate mishaps like collapsing tunnels and holes spontaneously filling up, exactly like in the real world. (Do you think we should get out of our stuffy offices more often?)
“I guess you can put those shovels away,” I said. “Unless someone wants to learn Mining, it’s just going to keep doing that.”
“Traitors.” Alizia picked up the shovels and they disappeared in a puff of smoke into her bag. “So, now what?”
I only managed to look at the burning eyes of the statue for a few seconds before I had to turn away. Olaf shook his head at me on his attempt to find a secret passage. The pit of my stomach dropped, but I couldn’t think of anything else that didn’t result in our almost assured deaths. “We’re going to have to let that thing loose.”
Alizia hopped onto the pedestal holding the statue and put her hand
on its head. “I set you free!” Nothing happened. “I set you freeeeeee!” She tried again to the same non-effect. “Is there like a magic word or something?”
Olaf did a circuit of the pedestal. “I do not see an ‘on’ switch.”
Yary checked the outskirts of the room. “No electric plugs in this place either.”
I read the inscription on the base, but it was a repeat of the item description I’d seen when I used Inspect. There was nothing in it or in the quest description giving a hint of how Chiselbeard had frozen her joints, only that he’d done it.
My best guess was some sort of magic, and as our only spell caster that meant it was up to me. Heat seemed the most likely spell I possessed that might be useful. I held the spell for over a minute, but the only thing I accomplished was to singe the edge of Olaf’s mustache. Even after pouring over half my mana into it, the statue was still cool to the touch. Both Regrowth and Cure Poison wouldn’t even land on it. I received an error message for invalid target. Root didn’t do anything besides slap the base of the pedestal, and Thorns was useless since it’d only affect me.
“Yary, could you try your bracer while I wait for my mana to regen?” I asked.
“Do what with my bracer?” Yary looked around in confusion.
Olaf pointed Yary’s arm at the statue and tapped her bracer. “Error message. What else can we try?”
“I’ve got it!” Alizia hopped off the pedestal and rushed toward the back of the statue. “They won’t come near this thing when it’s not moving, so why do we even need to free her?”
“Brilliant!” Olaf said as he ran to stand next to her. “We just need to bring the statue with us, and they will scurry away in fear.” Olaf and Alizia pushed the pedestal as hard as they could.
“Finally, a plan I can get on board with.” Yary also hopped on the pedestal.
Olaf’s brow bent into almost a “U” shape as he looked up at her. “I do not think—”
“Take this, idiots who make up stupid riddle quests. I’ll solve this quest with punching. Kiyaaaa!” Yary unloaded on the statue with a ferocity I’d never seen, naturally at the one time we didn’t want her to.
As the statue was obviously made with extremely powerful magic and probably the highest quality of stone, I was sure Yary’s assault would only hurt her. However, my gut didn’t seem to agree when her first fist landed. A red 8 flew up from the impact as Yary let out a surprised yelp, but she shook it off and attacked again with her other fist. To her credit, she fought through the pain and continued to punch and kick. After a particularly brutal crit, I was sure she’d stop as a loud crack echoed through the tiny room. I wasn’t sure if my Regrowth could knit bone, but I readied the spell all the same.
Her next hit caused a similar cracking sound, and before I could land the spell, the cause of the loud sound became apparent. Yary spilled to the ground with the statue close behind. Through an amazing display of agility, Olaf tumbled behind Yary and barely managed to prevent her from getting flattened. Realizing the top of the pedestal she’d been pushing was no longer there, Alizia finally stopped.
“Is everyone OK?” I asked.
Yary’s eyes darted between the statue nearby and Olaf. The puzzle pieces finally clicked, and she patted Olaf on the head. “Yeah. As Jane Austen once said, ‘That which doesn’t kill you can only make you not crushed to death by a giant statue.’”
Olaf gently pushed her hand away and smiled at her. “Beyond some possible brain damage, no harm seems to be done. Not even to the statue. Would that I were made of such a sturdy material.”
“That can be arranged. Let me just take some measurements.” Alizia tapped him on the head with a small hammer. The hammer’s flat, rectangular head was made of a green metal; glowing pulses of energy crackled across its surface at seemingly random intervals, though none of them transferred to Olaf when it connected with his bald skull.
Olaf’s hand and mine reached the hammer at the same time, as we both tried to pry it away from Alizia. Olaf politely conceded when we got it away from her.
Item: Hammer of the Master Sculptor
Restrictions: Artist or Life to Stone skill required
Slot: Main Hand
Rarity: Mythical
Damage: 1
Speed Rating: 2
Stat Bonus: +20 AGI
Special Ability: +30 Artist skill (sculpting only), +50 Life to Stone skill
Weight: 2 Pebbles
Description: Handed down from generation to generation by the greatest Sculptors of Grimrag. This hammer is responsible for many of their most illustrious works, including the creation of the Constructs of Grimrag, who ironically ended the Sculptors’ line when they murdered the last owner of this hammer, Chiselbeard.
“Let me guess,” I said. “You found this an hour ago and didn’t think to show it to us while we wasted time mining and searching every inch of this place.”
Alizia gave me a completely unconvincing scowl. “I’m insulted, or at least I’d be if that wasn’t exactly the kind of thing I’d do. I pulled it out of that toybox that appeared when Yary got into that kung fu fight with the inanimate object.”
All eyes turned to the pedestal. When Yary knocked the statue off, the top of the pedestal had come with it and revealed the base was hollow. Inside, there were only a few ancient scrolls that turned to dust as soon as I picked them up, stale air, and the remnants of a few broken pots. I had Olaf scan it with Detective just in case. When he found nothing, I could only conclude that the only important thing in there was the hammer.
I held the hammer out. “Well, at least now we know how to finish the quest. The question is—”
“How hard do we hit it!” Yary grabbed the hammer and went straight for the statue’s left knee before I could even register what she was doing. While I was against letting Ulinnia free, the only other option we’d been able to come up with was Alizia’s unrealistic plan to push a massive, half-a-ton statue along. If I’d been given time, I probably would’ve done exactly what Yary was doing, though much more slowly and a lot more gently.
“Perhaps it would be wiser to start on the mouth,” Olaf said. “Then we can converse with her and determine if she means us harm.”
Yary winked at him. “Like Mother Teresa always said, ‘If you let them talk first, you’ll have a much better shot at breaking their teeth.’”
“I don’t know who this Mother Teresa lady was, but I’m liking her more and more,” Alizia said.
“Yary, could you give Olaf the hammer?” I said.
Yary gave me a thumbs up and handed over the hammer. “Sure thing, boss.”
Olaf tapped the opposite side of the jaw and a deep rumbling sound rushed out. “Who dares assault the personage of Ulinnia the All-Powerful and Most Beautiful Woman in All the Land, First and Only Consort of Gerinashu the Beige, the Equally Powerful?”
Surprised, Olaf leapt back into Alizia.
“We’re not assaulting you, All-Powerful Ulinnia,” I said. “My associate’s only tapping on your limbs so that he may free you.”
“Did he think to say ‘please’ first?” Ulinnia asked.
“My apologies,” Olaf said. “May I please proceed with freeing you, Ulinnia the Most Beautiful?”
“Much better,” Ulinnia said. “You may.”
Alizia scoffed. “She’s not that beautiful. Maybe on a better hair day she might be OK looking, but ‘most’ is definitely too much.”
“Who dares!” Ulinnia’s voice toppled Olaf.
“Alizia, shut up,” I said in group chat.
“Horus, have I ever done that before when you told me to?” she asked in group chat.
“If you keep talking, you’re going to get us all killed.”
“Has that ever stopped me before either?”
I grumbled to myself, mostly because she had a good point. “Only when we stuffed a potion in your mouth, and we’re all out of those. Could you at least go stand over there?”
“Since it makes yo
u look exactly like the mom I always knew you to be, sure.” Alizia saluted me and walked toward the corner.
“Our apologies again, Most Beautiful and Kind Ulinnia. Our companion is just jealous because of your excessive beauty and stuff.”
“Your apology is accepted yet again,” Ulinnia said. “Now free me.”
Olaf reached down and tapped on her shoulder, but after a shake of my head, he stopped.
“Before we free you, we’d like to know what your intentions are,” I said.
“My intention was to give you a hearty thank you for freeing me and then to not murder you most horribly, but I’m beginning to rethink that,” Ulinnia said.
“That is exactly what we were looking for.” Olaf held the hammer up but waited for my OK.
“That’d be good, but what do you plan to do to everyone else?” I asked. “What of the people of Grimrag?”
“Good point,” Olaf said in group chat. “One of their number froze her like this. All of this faction work would be for nothing if she immediately went off and destroyed the town.”
“The people of Grimrag will be quite safe,” Ulinnia said. “They were always kind and loyal to me. I do not even blame Chiselbeard for cursing me this way, as I know he did this under the greatest duress. He wept with every strike as he performed this foul deed. My rage is directed solely at those unholy constructs whose numbers I was fated to join by gods with an infinitely terrible sense of humor.”
“Do we have your word that you’ll not harm us?” I asked.
Ulinnia laughed. “A very humorous quest you’ve given me, mortal. Very well, I accept it on the condition that you free me.”
Ulinnia has completed your quest: Not in the Face—Or the Chest, Stomach, Limb, or Other Body Part!