by M Helbig
Olaf turned back. “We can get it from him when they return from their raid. There are more important things than money.”
Alizia stared up at him in horror. “You take that back, Gnomeneezer Scrooge!”
Before she hit the first step, Olaf was already halfway through the doorway. I shrugged and hurried in after him. Alizia, however, got stuck. I had to reverse so Olaf and I could get back out to push her seven-foot body through.
We found ourselves in a surprisingly well-lit passage of carved but unpolished stone. Despite the doorway, there was more than enough room for even Alizia to stand at her full height and swing her weapon about with ease, which she immediately demonstrated by knocking one of the braziers off the wall. The brazier remained lit as I picked it up, and I determined that the “fire” wasn’t a fire at all but a glowing ball. Alizia tried to keep it, but it refused to be sent to the pocket dimension inside her backpack. In frustration, she tossed it off the wall. After one bounce, it shot right back into the brazier, sticking to its original spot. Olaf yelled at us from somewhere down the passage.
We caught up when he stopped five minutes later inside a square room roughly the size of a football stadium. He peered back and forth between the twentyish passages that led out of the area, trying to find a clue as to which way to go. The room was completely empty save for more of the strange braziers. Every passage looked the same with no clues of what might lie within.
Alizia closed her eyes and spun around a few times before stopping and pointing. “It’s that way.”
Olaf poked his head out of the entrance to another passage. “Do you actually know, or are you guessing?”
“I don’t guess, I pick.” Alizia giggled. “Too bad we don’t have an ability that could tell us what lies down each of those tunnels.”
Olaf shook his head. “Yes, but something like that would cost a fortune. Do you know of any devices that can do that?”
“No, but if it did exist I’d call it the ‘Tracking Interface of Horus Please Turn on Your Tracking Ability’ or something. The name’s a work in progress. Horus, do you have a better name for such a wondrous device?”
I didn’t, so I showed her what it would look like instead. It looked a lot like a finger in the middle of my hand. I was shocked to see Clewd appear at the top of my Tracking interface as soon as I flipped it on. When I turned in the direction Tracking indicated, I was surprised to see both Alizia and Olaf pointing in the same direction. My mouth dropped open as a person emerged from the shadows.
When the person walked into the light, I could finally take in her form. She wore her sundress awkwardly, though as she moved close enough that I could take in her legs I figured out why. Her legs were covered in plate armor. Crossing her arms pulled the dress tighter, revealing that the plate extended over the rest of her body below the neck too. With the long, thin mustache and blonde wig on top of the person’s helmet, I realized “she” was probably not a woman at all. In case I was wrong about who this odd non-woman was, I double-checked the interface and it confirmed the arrow was still on the same target. With every slight motion, it continued to stay on “her.”
“Greetings, travelers,” the person said. “I am but a simple, fair damsel who has recently been rescued from the clutches of a particularly evil dragon by a handsome and dashing young director named Clewd. And if you need proof of how amazing he is, the only thing he asked from me as a reward was that I deliver a message to you.”
I was about to reveal the identity of our guest when a better thought occurred to me. “We’d be happy to hear your message, miss, if you’ll only answer a few questions from my friend over there.” I pointed at Olaf.
Olaf scrunched up his face in confusion for a second before letting it brighten into a wry smile. Before Alizia could barge in, both Olaf and I explained the plan to her in group chat. She hesitantly backed away a few seconds later.
Our guest, Clewd, batted his eyelashes at me. “Umm, sure, but please be quick about it. There’re great dangers lurking around every corner of this foul dungeon, so I need to get out of here soon lest they do unspeakable things to me like block my camera shot or demand a cut of the overseas—I mean, kidnap me for ransom.”
“Fair maiden, would you know the whereabouts of the handsome director Clewd’s companion Repsak the Burglar?” Olaf asked. “Is he still safe and alive?”
Clewd scratched his forehead and the blonde wig went tumbling to the ground. “Last I checked he was still alive, though it’s been—” Clewd’s eyes caught the wig on the ground. “Umm . . . The message he asked me to deliver to you was ‘Maintain the course, engage the boss, and the master director will reveal all your heart’s desires.’”
“Woo-hoo!” Alizia said.
Clewd picked up the wig and hurried toward one of the tunnels. “Assuming your name is Olaf and your desire is to pester a famous director for all he knows about a guy he grouped with once months ago for a few hours.”
We chased after him, but he was a blur. When we neared the tunnel, Clewd shouted, “You’re late.”
A black-skinned orc appeared in the tunnel. “Me is sorry, pretty lady. Make better by smashing peoples who refuse to work for scale.” A centaur appeared behind him.
Alizia raised her shield. “If that’s your idea of pretty, what does that make me?”
The orc took a step forward into the light. “The most gorgeousest lady Dumbus did ever see. Even prettier than blonde lady who hired Dumbus and friends to test your metals.” His arms raised along with the edges of his mouth.
A familiar male pixie in a dark beard fluttered on the centaur’s back and fired a blast from a tiny gun. “Not these doofuses again. And the word is ‘mettle,’ you idiot.”
“They not be the doofuses,” the orc said to the pixie. “Green lady be too pretty to be doofus.”
Marknafian the pixie pointed his gun at the orc. I was half-expecting him to pull the trigger, but he eventually let go. “Thank God there’s no way you can screw up charging forward and hitting things, or I’d replace you with something smarter like a bowling ball or pocket lint.”
“That not true. Dumbus prove pocket lint was no match in great IQ test last week. Bowling ball might give trouble on first try, but confident will prevail in retry.” The orc cracked his meaty knuckles and laughed.
Alizia turned to me. “What’s the plan, coach?”
“Alizia . . . uhh,” I said as my hands twitched again. My bow appeared and then reappeared in my hand as I alternated between going for spells and firing arrows.
“We retired ‘plan uhh’ to the hall of shame, remember? We’ll bury it, light it on fire, and say mean things about it after this’s over too.” Alizia pivoted toward the orc and then back to the pixie. “But this ain’t over yet. What else you got for me?”
I looked to my hands just as the bow disappeared again. What was I doing? I’d done so well in the fight with Gerinashu after it’d occurred to me that I really had nothing to lose. Had I really forgotten that lesson in only a few hours? The situation hadn’t changed. Olaf had admitted he didn’t think our chances of making it to the end were good. I knew he wouldn’t blame us as long as we gave our all.
The centaur pushed the orc aside and pointed her lance at Alizia. “Death rides at the point of my blade.”
My eyes were still focusing on my hands when the realization hit me like a truck. My hands . . . you know the things you use for casting spells? Why don’t you do another one of those? Like a heal, maybe? Though speaking of healers, didn’t they have one?
“Alizia, try to keep the orc and centaur busy while Olaf and I focus on the goblin,” I said in group chat.
Alizia grimaced as she took the centaur’s lance on her shield. “What goblin? Horus, you haven’t been having those dreams about wrinkly, nubile goblins doing unmentionable things to you again, have you?”
Olaf smirked as he disappeared.
“They had a goblin healer last time. She’s probably in the back.” My h
ands began the complex motion of the Heat spell. I expected them to twitch again, but they were fine. “And those were your dreams. You wouldn’t stop telling us about them last week.”
“Yeah, best dream ever. You never saw it coming either.” She smiled wistfully. “Pie plus groin equals comedy gold. But you swore you’d never mention it.” She pretended to be outraged as she caught the centaur in his midsection for 28.
The orc took advantage of the opening Alizia’s attack had made and punched her side. My natural hesitation took over for a second, and this time I pushed it away. I had to do something. I’d definitely have to heal with no Yary, but there wasn’t a need yet, so I hit the orc with Heat in the back. While the ten-second build up before it began doing damage probably meant it wouldn’t do much, it did distract him. His fist skidded off Alizia’s side for a paltry 16.
Feeling Alizia was safe, I turned back to the pixie. I barely managed to dodge his next shot, tumbling to the ground with my spell puffing out in my hand. Some good news arrived when a huge white 78! flew up behind the pixie. I thought it came from him, but the feminine scream that followed probably meant that Olaf had found their healer.
The fight was pure chaos, and yet I calmly began re-casting my spell. It amazed me that I wasn’t a gibbering, confused mess of nerves, but it seemed my new attitude from the Gerinashu fight had stuck. As the spell finished, I was shocked to see not the reddish hue of Heat leave my fingers, but the pure green of Regrowth instead. I wasn’t sure if I’d switched spells on instinct from having been the group’s temporary healer or if I’d subconsciously remembered that Yary was no longer with us. Whatever the case, the bruising in Alizia’s side faded as the energy washed over her body, taking her up to 80%.
While I couldn’t see the exact HPs of our opponents, I could see their percentages and our group was winning. It was only a matter of time before—
A huge red 89! came from my back to quantify the amount of pain I was in. My feet twisted my body away from the spot and I almost tripped over a waist-high foxkin.
You’d think I’d know what always happens when I start to get cocky. There were five of them last time.
I instinctively summoned my bow and held it like a staff. The foxkin’s smirk faded as his dagger screeched against the hard metal of my new bow. He still managed to catch my side, but by then nearly all the force was gone. His momentum caused him to widen his stance, giving me exactly what I needed. I poked my bow low and caught the front of his ankle. Before he could get up, I hit him with Roots and backed away.
The pixie fired a panicked blast into the ceiling as Olaf, maniacally laughing, chased him in between me and the foxkin. Out of the corner of my eyes, I finally found the goblin, lying in a pool of blood and not moving.
“I’ve got a Thief on me,” I said in group chat. “I should be able to keep him out of range for a while. Alizia, do you think you can last a bit without heals?”
Alizia yawned as she blocked consecutive blows from the centaur and the orc. “Yeah, these two are as predictable as they are ugly.”
The centaur growled in frustration. “Why won’t you die?”
Alizia’s shield slammed into the centaur and stars circled her head. “Because awesome . . . or was that a philosophical question? I can picture it now. Whole books will be written about my legendarily suicidal exploits, all tackling that question with nary a conclusion to be had, followed by classes at universities across the globe that students will be forced to take (and mostly sleep through), so they can fulfill a useless philosophy requirement.”
“Dumbus would take class.” The orc somehow managed to grin sweetly in spite of being covered from head to toe in his own blood. “Taking enrollments? Dumbus very attentive student.”
“Enroll this!” Olaf thrust his dagger upward into the hindquarters of the centaur just as the pixie smashed a crystal against the ground to release a blinding light.
“I don’t think she was the one interested in my class, Olaf. Hey, where’d the weird orc with good taste and the centaur with the bad taste go?”
“Probably back where they came from, along with the pixie.” I thought I’d managed to rub the bright spots from my eyes until I noticed that there was an icon over my head that faded at the same time. A quick scan of the room showed the three of them were gone.
“More likely that way.” Alizia pointed in the direction the shambling foxkin and his pile of roots were headed.
I smiled and cast Root again. “Good call.”
Alizia shrugged and slammed her shield down on the top of the diminutive foxkin’s head. Olaf and I finished him off before Stunned even wore off.
It took fewer than twenty seconds, but that was all the time Alizia needed to make a break for it. In typical fashion, she was running off to probable danger without consulting us or even thinking first. No, I take that back. She probably was thinking most of the time and that was even scarier. She was a danger to the group, and as the group's leader it was my responsibility to stop her. I’d let it slide before because I was in denial about being in charge. My lack of confidence and cowardly reluctance to accept the role that was clearly mine had cost the group in so many ways. It was time to change that. Whether her attitudes were programmed into her or actual conscious decisions, this had to stop. I activated Sprint and ran into the tunnel after her.
With my skill’s interface covering my vision, I was caught completely off guard when I ran smack dab into something hard and metallic. Before I could figure out what was going on, I got hoisted to my feet. To say that what I saw shocked me would be an understatement.
What Do You Call a Dirt Elf After He Takes a Bath?
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “I thought you’d be—”
The shield was lowered to reveal a huge frown and downcast eyes.
“She was,” Olaf said. “But then she just stopped. I assumed it was a spell, yet there are no debuff icons above her head.”
“No spells, only trying to constantly keep you fellas guessing.” Alizia’s voice was upbeat as always, but I could sense it was forced. “Trendsetters like me have to constantly keep reinventing ourselves, you know.”
“What’s the real reason?” I asked.
Alizia stared at her feet. “That fight with Gern-a-shoe really messed me up. Made me rethink my whole carefree, ‘charge first and ask questions never’ philosophy. Figured I’d start following my role model.”
“And who would this role model be?” Olaf asked. “Cartoon or comic-book character?”
Alizia looked up. “Neither. It’s Horus.”
Olaf and I shared a confused look that ended when we both burst out into laughter.
Alizia stomped her foot. “I’m being serious. I figured out that my freewheeling ways were causing me nothing but trouble. I didn’t listen to Horus when he told me to take the helmet off and look what it got me? I almost lost all my money in that fight. If I die one more time, I’ll only be able to afford like three more potions! I got to cut back on the reckless and start being sensible like boring, old Horus if I want to continue drinking, and to do that I need to start listening to this ‘plam’ thing everyone’s always talking about.”
“The word is ‘plan,’” I said.
“The word’s so awful I can’t even say it. Plaaaaa—nope, can’t finish it. Maybe one day with the proper guidance.”
Convenient that she’d learned the exact opposite lesson I’d learned from the Gerinashu fight, but then again our previous methods had been the opposite, so I guessed that meant we were ending up around the same place. Still, she had a habit of messing with us, and this seemed like exactly the sort of thing she’d do to throw me off my guard, especially if she was an NPC designed to make us fail.
If she was an NPC sent by the game to make everything harder for us, what better way to get us to let our guard down than make us think she was competent? We were still relatively close to the entrance. If she screwed up here, we could just run back and easily reach o
ur bodies, reimbursing half of the money we lost on death. This place was supposed to be a higher-level dungeon, so we’d definitely run into things pretty soon that we wouldn’t be able to make it past easily to get to our corpses. If I were the AI, I’d definitely do something like that. As much as that all made sense, I still didn’t have proof. I needed to trick her into revealing what she was up to, but how?
“Olaf, keep an eye on Alizia,” I said in a private message.
“I always am.” He gave me a knowing wink.
“So, what’re my orders, Sir Leader, sir?” Alizia saluted me.
I pointed down the tunnel. “You go first, but stay close.”
Alizia banged her scepter against her shield and moved forward. Olaf and I kept as close as we could while keeping our eyes glued to her. Much like the previous passage, this one was made of the same hard gray stone. It turned at right angles roughly every fifty or seventy feet. All at once, the stone changed to a darker shade of gray—enhanced by the dimming of the lights—and the air pressure got thicker. A stone slab dropped from the ceiling, blocking the way out. An ominous music started playing, and I jumped as a cackle rang out in front of me.
“Alizia!” Olaf said. “Stop that.”
Alizia cackled again. “Sorry, it seemed to fit.”
“It looks like the only way out is forward,” Olaf said.
“Or death: the quickest way out of anywhere.”
“Good to see you’re still the same ray of sunshine you were before,” I said.
“Just trying to be more honest like you, Wise Master.” Alizia bowed deeply.
“Maybe we try to avoid the ‘quickest way out’ this time.” I flipped on Tracking.
The three remaining Shadow players were still on the list, and when I selected the pixie, the arrow showed him as directly ahead. My hopes that we could finish them off so we wouldn’t have to worry about two problems at once were dashed when the bright light of the next room showered the tunnel. Before the entrance stood two guards armed with very sharp-looking short swords and shields. The guards’ dark brown skin sagged so deeply that even with their lack of helmets I almost couldn’t see their pointed ears. Their shields rose at our approach, and they readied their swords. Since they already appeared hostile, I risked using Inspect on one of them.