by M Helbig
Lagereyes stopped her bawling and looked up. It took her a minute to compose herself. When she finished wiping the last tear from her eyes, she raised herself onto tiptoes and stared the ghost straight in the eyes. “What be the point if I be the only one left?”
Fistbeard shook his head. “We left quite a few wounded back at the gate and managed to sneak out a good quarter of the town who were too young, old or cowardly to fight through that smugglers’ tunnel you use to get by the customs tax at the gates that ye think no one be knowin’ about.”
She stared at her feet. “I do be owin’ the town. Fine. I’ll do it.”
“That just leaves one last wrong to fix then I can be goin’.”
Lagereyes looked up with crinkled brows.
“Go get these heroes that key they need.” Fistbeard pointed at my group.
“The people who killed two of me husbands in only a couple of days?”
“They also saved yer life and defeated our greatest foe, who I shouldn’t have to remind ye that ye were responsible for lettin’ loose. It be the right thing to do,” Fistbeard said.
Lagereyes smirked. “Couldn’t even if I wanted to. That be from a faction quest. And they aren’t Respected with Grimrag.”
Fistbeard shook his head in disbelief. His eyes suddenly brightened and a notification box appeared in front of me.
Quest: Fistin’ for Faction
Description: Fistbeard thinks you deserve the Back Door Key to the Golden Hole.
Completion Objective: Say “Fistbeard is the sexiest ghost I’ve ever seen.”
Reward: +20 Faction with the Town of Grimrag
Everyone in the group said,“Fistbeard is the sexiest ghost I’ve ever seen,” though Alizia added in “who’s constipated and smells like old milk” at the end. Fistbeard burst into laughter when he heard Alizia’s amendment, though I think he and I were the only ones who noticed. Everyone else was cheering for joy as the notifications scrolled by.
Lagereyes’s face looked like it was about to burst as the key appeared in each of our hands.
You have completed the quest: Fistin’ for Faction.
You have received 20 Faction with the Town of Grimrag! Total: 2,500 Town of Grimrag (Respected).
You have completed the quest: Unlock the Hole.
You have received the item: Back Door Key.
“Now you pervs will never be able to get into my back door again.” Alizia held the key aloft like a championship trophy.
Lagereyes turned around and headed back to the town, cursing the whole way.
Olaf and I held a silent negotiation with our eyes on who would speak first. I conceded the floor to him. “Are you implying we could have before?”
Alizia lowered the key. “Well—”
“The rest of us got that key too,” I said. “So, that’d mean we could still—”
Alizia sent the key to her backpack. “Forget I said anything, except the pervs part.”
“With a line like that, I think this be the perfect time for me to part. Look me up in the afterlife.” Fistbeard bowed and disappeared.
Alizia waved at the spot where Fistbeard had just been. “I’m really going to miss that old perv.”
Yary wiped off a tear and smiled sadly.
When everyone was done saying their goodbyes to the long-gone ghost, I checked my map and pointed in the direction of the entrance to the dungeon. “If we hurry, we can make it there before nightfall.”
“We’re not staying the night in Grimrag?” Yary asked.
Relief washed over Olaf’s face. “Getting this key already took a lot more time than I would have suspected. The longer it takes to get to the end of this dungeon, the more likely Clewd will be gone.”
“Plus, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be anywhere near Lagereyes for a very long time,” I said.
Alizia crossed her arms and pouted. “So, we’re just going to leave then?”
“Yup,” I said. “You’re going to have to wait until we find Clewd for your next night of boozing.”
“I’m very disappointed that you think so low of me, Horus, but that’s not why I asked. I was referring to the fact that we’re going to leave without looting that massive, no-longer-burning level twenty-nine raid boss and all of the fancy booze he probably possesses.”
I spun around midstride and headed for Gerinashu. I was about to apologize to Olaf for yet another delay when he sprinted past me and knelt to loot the boss.
Olaf has looted Gerinashu the Beige.
You have received 76 gold and 4 silver as your share of the loot (out of 305 gold and 6 silver).
As group leader, Horus has been granted the loot: Armbands of the Conqueror, Royal Belt of Gal Shawdau, Ring of Pernicious Grazing.
Item: Armbands of the Conqueror
Restrictions: Level 10 Required
Slot: Arms
Rarity: Unusual
AC: 10
Stat Bonus: +7 STR +5 END
Special Abilities: 2% Haste to melee
Weight: 2 Pebbles
Description: One of the lesser-known secrets of Gerinashu the Beige’s conquest was his assembly line-like workshops that produced a plethora of identical though powerful magic items with which he equipped his troops. These armbands were standard issue to his elite shock troops.
Item: Royal Belt of Gal Shawdau
Restrictions: Level 9 Required
Slot: Waist
Rarity: Rare
AC: 17
Stat Bonus: +10 STA +4 STR
Weight: 12 Pebbles
Description: This belt was passed down from generation to generation of the royal family of Shawdau—a line that lasted over a millennium and contained an improbable number of the greatest warriors in history. Fungorio the Flamboyant was widely regarded as the greatest warrior of that line and ironically the last. Though the belt was a poor choice for a spell caster, Gerinashu wore it in every battle after his defeat of Fungario as a message to any who would oppose him.
Item: Ring of Pernicious Grazing
Restrictions: Level 8 Required
Slot: Finger
Rarity: Rare
AC: 1
Stat Bonus: +2 STR +2 AGI
Special Abilities: Fist attacks or weapons that use the Unarmed Combat skill have a chance to cause Bleeding
Weight: 1 Pebble
Description: Not in the eye! Not anywhere in the face! Not—medic!
Alizia rubbed her hands. “I call dibs on all of them.”
“You can’t go in on all of them,” I said. “Pick one.”
“There’s nothing in the group charter that says I can’t.” She summoned a piece of paper.
I grabbed the paper from her and pretended to begin reading. “True. Now let me see. Where did I keep that copy of Decrona’s loot distribution spreadsheet?”
Alizia squealed like a pig and tried to hide behind Yary, even though she was half her size. “Fine, I’m in on just the belt, but I’d like to lodge an official protest on your threat to use a weapon of mass calculation. That’s a violation of the Genoa Convention. If convicted, you’re sure to be sentenced to life in a library reciting poetry or some other nerd thing.”
Yary scratched her head. “I thought it was called the Geneva Convention, and they could only sentence people for baking-related crimes, like when Shaka Zulu made all those cookies for the Phoenicians but didn’t bring any milk.”
“I do not think any of that is correct,” Olaf said.
I shrugged. “All I heard was that Alizia only wants the belt. It’s easier to understand her if you turn the Alizia filter way up in your options menu.”
Yary scratched her head harder. Olaf laughed.
“Now that that’s settled. Alizia, congrats on your belt. And since the other two were clearly meant for their respective classes, congrats Olaf on the armbands and Yary on the ring.” I summoned the three items and handed them over.
Alizia popped on the belt and promenaded like she was on a catwalk.
Yary punched the air, leading with the ring. Olaf took one fast stab before stopping to stare at me. “I am sorry there were only three items, Horus. If anyone deserved something, it was you.”
Yary froze in mid-punch. “You can have my ring. The stats would help you out a little.”
Alizia did another pass on the imaginary catwalk. “Maybe Stinkerbeard has something stinky on him for you like another spreadsheet.”
With all the loot off him, Gerinashu’s corpse had faded into the ground, leaving an outline of burns in the grass. The spot where he’d landed on Tinkerbeard was hard to see at first, but we eventually found it as a darker lump of ash in the center.
Olaf has looted Tinkerbeard.
You have received 2 gold and 1 silver as your share of the loot (out of 8 gold and 4 silver).
As group leader, Horus has been granted the loot: Lesser Clockwork Longbow.
Item: Lesser Clockwork Longbow
Restrictions: Level 9 Required
Slot: Ranged
Rarity: Rare
Damage: 14-23
Speed Rating: 5
Stat Bonus: +6 STR +4 DEX
Weight: 11 Pebbles
Description: Exceptional craftsmanship and machine-aided design have created the perfect bow to compensate for newb stupidity and incompetence. Congratulations! Now the only thing you need to do is point at the right target and let the bow do all the work for you.
Alizia stopped mid-twirl. “Fancy. I’m in on the bow.” She then completed her twirl and resumed her catwalk sashay.
“What’s your rules for loot?” Yary asked. “The only group I’ve been without Georgie said I couldn’t go in on something until everyone won something.”
“Not here. You just can’t win something else if they both dropped off the same mob.” Alizia summoned a piece of paper and tossed it toward us.
Olaf picked it up and scanned it.
“Pretty sure it also says you have to be able to use the item,” I said. “Did you find that section, Olaf?”
Alizia stopped and winked at me. “Ahh, but I can use it. Quite sure those long, sharp limbs can reach even the toughest-to-scratch places on my back.”
I peered over Olaf’s shoulder. “Please tell me the group charter specifically says ‘equip’ and not ‘use.’”
Olaf groaned. “No. It says ‘Alizia is the smartest and most beautiful woman alive. And as long as you say this out loud, congratulations, Horus, on the new bow.’ I think the first thing you should do with your bow is fire this piece of paper at her.”
I equipped the bow and mocked firing it at Alizia. She dramatically put her hands over her heart and dropped to the ground, grinning the whole time.
Yary shook her head and laughed. “I’m really glad I found you guys. You always know how to have fun.”
“We’re glad to have you,” I said. “Really proud of the job you did in the fight too.”
Alizia stood. “Yup. Epic fighting there. The way you . . . Well, I wasn’t here for it, but it sounded awesome.”
“Agreed, but we will need you and everyone else to do even better if we are to get to the end of this dungeon. And on top of that, we need to hurry. This Clewd isn’t likely to stay in one place forever.” Olaf started walking. “I want to thank you all for even attempting this. I will not blame any of you if we fail, but it means a lot to me that you are all here.”
I waved the other two forward and followed him. “As hard as this place sounds, I think after we survived that raid boss, we can take anything. Heck, Yary might be able to solo the whole thing for us now.”
Alizia patted Yary on the back. “Woo-hoo, Yary! And this time I get to see it and offer hilarious yet insightful commentary.”
Yary beamed. “I’ll be more famous for punching things than Marie Curie.”
I didn’t completely believe what I’d said, but I knew it was what Olaf and the rest of the group needed to hear. It seemed impossible for us to be able to get to the end of such a high-level dungeon, but for Olaf’s sake, we had to try. With Yary’s newfound competency, maybe we would be OK?
Reunions & Holes
With the hylves and constructs cleared of the area, our only encounters on the way to the entrance were with non-aggressive wildlife. I should’ve known that whenever I started to feel safe, the game reminded me this world was anything but. A shadowy figure seemed to appear out of thin air.
Alizia charged in with shield held high and Yary only a few steps behind her. I summoned my bow and nocked an arrow. Olaf was nowhere to be seen, so I assumed he’d activated Sneak.
With Alizia’s scepter only inches from the shadowy figure’s face, he spun like a ballerina, knocking her shield to the side with ease, danced behind her, and tapped Yary on the side, causing her to careen into something I couldn’t see. Sneak dropped, revealing the tiny gnome underneath Yary’s legs. The figure let out a hearty laugh as he stared at my floundering friends, giving me an easy shot at his back. I had to fight back the urge to yell as I fired for fear of revealing myself, yet somehow, even as I was sure I could hear the familiar thud of my shot hitting its mark, the arrow was in the figure’s hand.
The figure turned and smiled at me, tossing the arrow limply on the ground. Not missing a beat, Yary bounced up with catlike grace and launched a spinning kick. This time he didn’t abruptly turn and seemed oblivious to the incoming blow. At the last second, Yary’s foot stopped and quickly dropped back to the ground. I thought it must’ve been some sort of special ability, until Yary gave the figure a playful punch. The shadow evaporated to reveal her shiningly armored brother.
“We had lots of fun, Georgie! We destroyed a hylf village. We met some talking statues and they tried to kill us. Plus, I learned how to heal by punching things.” She punched Georgius harder this time for 3 and healed the group for 1.
Georgius laughed. “Oh, how I’ve missed you, sis. The good news is my business with Cedra is done, and I can group up with you again.”
“Perfect timing! We’re about to go in the dungeon. I’ll bet we’ll have no trouble making it to the end with you.”
Olaf nodded enthusiastically. “That would be most appreciated.”
“Actually, Yary and I are leaving,” Georgius said. “The guild’s running a low-level raid in a few hours. They only do these every few months.”
“Then we’ll wait until they do the next one,” Yary said. “I’m really anxious to see the end of this dungeon, and my new friends are a lot of fun.”
Georgius grimaced. “I had to beg Cedra to let you in since you’re only level seventeen. I’m pretty sure she’ll blackball you if you back out. If you want to be in the guild, you’re going to have to come with me. Once it’s over, we can come back and meet up with your new friends. Shouldn’t take more than half a day.”
Even I knew that getting in a guild raid was a big deal for someone of our level. Since new guilds rarely ever formed, as the item required to start one was extremely rare and selling for enough to buy a mansion in the real world, most guilds had been around for quite a while and thus were almost exclusively made up of high-level players. As such, they didn’t usually bother raiding the lower-level raid bosses, let alone let outsiders in when they did.
If Yary had the chance to get in on one of those, she had to take it. However, we were going into an incredibly difficult—probably impossible—place for our levels and would need all the help we could get. As much as I wanted to tell her to go, I selfishly hesitated. I could see the same conflict running through everyone else's faces. Despite what usually happened when Alizia opened her mouth, for once I was glad she did.
“Not-new-Yary, go with your brother.” Alizia put her arm around Yary’s shoulder. “Spread your wings and be free. Make us all proud of what you’ve learned in the brief time you’ve been with us, and most importantly, win lots of shinies that you can distribute to your new friends when you get back—and by friends, I mean me. I am after all the one who’s responsible for everything you’ve learn
ed.”
Yary rubbed her hands in excitement. “I will do you proud, sister.”
Alizia squealed. “Sister! Nobody’s ever called me that . . . except for my real sister. Also, totally random that I remember this now, but Olaf and Horus have been saying nasty things behind your back. Remember, I like one-handed blunt weapons, pretty dresses, and musical instruments.”
“You’re not allowed musical instruments, remember?” I asked. “You agreed to let us add that to the group charter in exchange for us giving you our last potions.”
Alizia rubbed her hands menacingly. “Drums, gongs, or tubas, if you get to pick.”
Olaf purposely “whispered” loud enough for everyone to hear into my ear. “Do not worry. I have been working on my Steal skill and instruments are considered junk (which can be stolen).”
Georgius laughed and shook his head at our antics. “As an applicant, she won’t be able to roll on loot anyway, unless nobody wants it. We should go now before Cedra changes her mind.”
“Right.” Yary gave Alizia a big hug and then stuck her tongue out at me and Olaf. I wasn’t sure if she’d believed Alizia’s claim or if she’d finally figured us out and was joking. A glowing portal appeared behind Georgius. A mage on the other side waved at us, and they both walked through. Alizia let out a gasp and ran toward the portal. Just before she stepped through, it disappeared with a pop.
“Son of a vondruke!” Alizia said as she rolled herself off the ground. “That cheapskate left without paying us.”
“Huh?” I looked to Olaf but he shrugged and went up the marble steps to the small door carved into the side of the mountain. “Oooh! That’s right. He promised us one hundred gold a piece to keep an eye on Yary.”