Expedition Newb

by M Helbig

  The raid stared at her in disbelief. Georgius motioned for a cheer and the raid slowly gave a ragged, nervous one in response. The Light Mage Noradine seemed to be giving a half-hearted clap, but the glow coming off her long blue robes mostly obscured her hands.

  “Tunk von Wall will be your primary tank for this.” She pointed at a huge forest giant who looked to be somehow wider than he was tall. “If he goes down, Nibble Dunklets is up next and then Murderwinkle.” She pointed at a spikey-haired beaverkin and then a female gnome wearing a blinding assortment of mismatched colors.

  A forest giant with the face of a baby raised her hand. Cedra scowled and reluctantly gave her the out-with-it motion.

  The forest giant avoided eye contact as she spoke. “Who goes after them, ma’am?”

  Cedra turned to Georgius and shook her head in disgust. “If you go through three tanks, you’ve already lost, both in life and in this game. It’ll be a wipe; poor Noradine will have to rez all your sorry butts—which she’ll do anyway, even though I told her not to—and I get to toss all your applications in the recycle bin.”

  Noradine and Georgius glared at her. She returned their look before turning back to the raid. “Fine. She’ll rez you and you’ll get one more attempt. Then, I get to toss your applications out.” She looked directly at Yary. “And it won’t matter who you know or are related to, you’ll never get another chance to join the best guild in the game.”

  “But the important thing is to have fun,” Georgius said with a half-hearted smile.

  “Now, are there any other questions?” Cedra stomped forward, making it abundantly clear that was a rhetorical question.

  Alizia raised her hand and hopped up and down. “Why didn’t you loot anything back there?” Alizia asked. “If you don’t want it, I’d be more than happy to take it off your hands.”

  “We’ve been over this already,” Cedra said. “Because only full members are allowed to loot and since me, Noradine, and Georgius are the only full members here, we’ll do that at the end. The proceeds will go to the guild funds so we can buy equipment for the few of you who make the cut to members. Now, any other questions?”

  Alizia raised her hand and again asked her question before being called on. “What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

  Olaf and I unsuccessfully tried to pull her back out of the doorway. I couldn’t see Cedra anymore but I could still feel the power of her glare. Noradine chuckled.

  “Any non-stupid questions?” Cedra growled.

  Alizia raised her hand again.

  “That are related to this raid,” Cedra said.

  Alizia lowered her hand.

  Cedra turned around. “Now, Georgius is going to open the door after everyone finishes buffing up. Tunk will go in first, followed by his healers, then the backup tanks, and then the rest of the raid. Noradine, Georgius, and I will filter into the back of the room to watch.”

  A nearly blinding array of magic shot out from all over the room as the raid buffed up. Noradine cast a succession of powerful buffs that would likely make the fight even easier. With an experienced raid leader who’d given the group a good plan, I figured their fight would be pretty easy, except . . .

  “Cedra, there’s something you should know,” I said.

  She didn’t respond or look toward me. With the constant noise from the spellcasting, I assumed she hadn’t heard me.

  Olaf tugged on my jerkin. “I think it is in our best interest to not draw any more attention to ourselves.”

  “If they wipe, we might not be able to get to the boss,” I said. “They need to know that there’s a different boss waiting for them, and according to Tracking a second one after that. Cedra!”

  I yelled with all my might to be able to be heard over the noise, but almost as soon as the first syllable escaped my mouth, the spells stopped. My words echoed across the small room mockingly. Georgius cringed as Cedra pushed her way through the crowd to stand in front of me. Her eyes bulged as her mouth quivered in rage.

  “Whoever you are, you’re done, and so are your friends.” Cedra stuck her sharp, gauntleted finger in my chest. “Get out of my raid. Your applications have been torn up. You’re finished. Don’t ever come near any one of our members or you’ll be very sorry—after you wake up back at your bind point. Congratulations. You’ve just been added to my ‘ignore’ list. You’re—” She stared at me perplexed. “Why can’t I remove them from the raid?”

  Georgius hustled forward. “Because they’re not in the raid. Must be some nobodies who happened to be nearby.”

  A personal message came from Georgius a few seconds later. “For Yary’s sake, don’t tell Cedra you know her or me. Please.”

  Cedra’s scowl relaxed but it was still more than frightening enough to keep even Alizia quiet. “Well, nobodies, stay out of our way if you know what’s good for you. This is the private business of your betters. Begone.” She spun around and walked away.

  “There’s something—”

  I tried to warn her but was cut off by what had to be the magically amplified voice of Cedra. “Georgius, the door, now!”

  Georgius gave me an apologetic smile and then rushed to open the door. “I’ll be happy to talk after we finish this, but when it’s raid time she doesn’t kid around.”

  Olaf shrugged. “You did your best, but I would not worry. They are one of the top guilds in the game, I am sure they can handle it.”

  Miss Beatly’s Big Day

  The raid trailed into the room in perfectly disciplined order. Since they were mostly recruits, I figured there would be a lot more pushing, shoving, and getting in each other’s way, but I shouldn’t have been so surprised. The Knights were a top guild, so it stood to reason they’d have top-level applicants. Plus, one look at Cedra’s perennially scowling face would probably make even the most undisciplined players want to be on their best behavior.

  Alizia stopped making faces at Cedra’s back as soon as I looked at her. When I turned away again, I could just see her sticking her tongue out at me from the corner of my eye.

  As the last raider slipped through the doorway, I motioned for our group to move up for a better view. The room on the other side was barely wide enough for the raid to fit in. I was surprised, as I assumed the boss’s area would be huge, until I noticed the large, makeshift partition right behind the sub-boss. The nameplate on the desk showed their target’s name but I used Inspect to find out more.

  Miss Beatly, Raid Boss Secretary

  Level: 28

  Resists

  Type: Raid Sub-Boss

  Light: ???

  Race: Human (Possessed)

  Dark: ???

  Faction: none

  Earth: ???

  HP: 30,500/30,500

  Water: ???

  MP: ???

  Fire: ???

  AP: ???

  Wind: ???

  AC: ???

  Special Attributes: ???

  Weaknesses: ???

  As the tank hesitantly advanced, Miss Beatly pushed her glasses against the tight bun on her head, moved from behind the desk, and loudly cleared her throat. “You do not have an appointment. I’m going to have to ask you to leave or I’ll have to call security.”

  Tunk, the broad-shouldered, heavily armored forest giant at the front of the raid banged his sword against his shield and advanced. “I got your security right here, ya shrew. Yeah, that’s a Tunk a shoutin’ at ya!”

  The veins in Miss Beatly’s forehead looked like they were about to burst as she stared at Tunk in disbelief. Normally when someone uses Shout, the mob immediately rushes them. It looked like she’d resisted it at first—until ten seconds later. She leaned back with a howl as huge batwings burst from her shoulders. Tunk scratched his head and looked back toward Cedra, who gave him an annoyed motion to attack.

  Before he could get to her, Miss Beatly shot twenty feet into the air and pointed to the back of the raid. “Security!”

  The door in
the partition burst open and a wave of molefolk in light blue uniforms with tiny metal badges filtered out, waving small clubs.

  “What is this crap?” Cedra asked from against the back wall. “I’ve done this dungeon at least two dozen times and none of this ever showed up. Regroup. Tunk, stay on the boss. Other tanks on the adds.”

  Four raiders dropped before their tanks and other more durable members could get through. From our vantage point at the other end of the room, I couldn’t see much of what happened next, but judging by the screams, I assumed they lost a few more before they finished off the mole security.

  “You can’t blame the recruits for not being ready for this,” Georgius said. “Permission to join in.”

  “Or at least let me rez the fallen,” Noradine said.

  “Not yet,” Cedra said. “I want to see how they handle a little adversity. That Nibble fellow was already halfway to the adds before I gave the order. Maybe these applicants have more surprises in them.”

  Miss Beatly’s dull gray robes barely moved as she dropped from the sky and tore into Tunk. She crashed on top of the surprised tank and unloaded with what looked to be nothing more than her fingernails. But while her weapons might be mundane, the damage numbers were not. Each new blow drew massive sparks against Tunk’s formerly shiny armor and rocked the forest giant back further and further, shaking loose bits of the ceiling that were fortunately too small to do any damage, at least for now.

  The raid’s response was a furious flash of healing spells on their brave tank. I immediately recognized the green tint of Woodsman spells, and figured the ones with the lighter green belonged to the Druid sub-class, while the ones with more red belonged to Shamans. The bright white ones I knew were from Light Mages. Except that a few of them were coming from what I’d assumed were Warriors—oh, right. They had a sub-class that could cast some healing spells: Shining Knights. I didn’t find the yellow healing of the Bruisers like Yary until I focused on the battle with the molefolk in back. That made sense since their healing aftereffect had too short of a range to touch Tunk in the front.

  As ferocious as Miss Beatly’s assault was, Tunk was doing fine now that the initial shock was over. Cedra gave the order and the rest of the raid joined in on Miss Beatly. The room turned into a fireworks display as spells flew from everywhere. With the noise from those as well as the clashing, bashing, and slashing of weapons, I was incredibly grateful that any time someone spoke in group chat, the game dulled the outside noise so you could hear your group.

  Alizia yawned. “This sure is a lot like golf or bowling.”

  “They certainly are professional-athlete-level skilled.” Olaf grinned as he stared at the three Thieves unloading on the back of the boss.

  “Not saying they’re not good, just that I’ll bet it’s lots of fun when you’re participating, but boring as heck to watch. Does anyone have any cards?”

  Miss Beatly shot into the air and out of reach again. The raid continued to unload on her with ranged attacks, but it did no further damage. She screamed “Security!” again, and from the doorway another wave of molefolk rushed out. Miss Beatly flapped down and resumed mauling Tunk. This time, they only caught one person off guard before the raid’s other tanks got control of the rampaging moles. The rest of the raid joined back in on Miss Beatly a few seconds later.

  “Would anyone mind if I took a quick nap?” Alizia asked.

  “Didn’t you say you wanted to be more like me?” I asked.

  “Uhh, yeah.”

  “Then, stop talking and watch these guys. See if you can learn a thing or two,” I said.

  Alizia mimed zipping her mouth and then saluted.

  When Miss Beatly hit 60%, she again flew out of reach. This time the raid was already in position to take on the molefolk before she called them out. The raid quickly dispatched the squat security force and then resumed attacking the boss. The process repeated itself again three minutes later.

  “What’s our plan for when they finish Madam Angry Wings over there?” Alizia asked. “We just saunter into the next room after them and start interrogating Loony Tunes?”

  Olaf looked at me expectantly.

  “Something like that,” I said.

  “Enhh, wrong answer,” Alizia said. “We were looking for something involving a platypus, thirty yards of industrial wiring, the 2017 Washington Generals, and a clever plan to outwit the witless.”

  Olaf laughed. “Horus is at his best when he improvises on the spot. I trust he will come up with something.”

  Though Olaf had always had a bit too much faith in me, for once I agreed with him. “As odd and out there as Clewd is, I don’t think we really can plan ahead. There’s no telling what he might do. We’re just going to have to adapt.”

  As if on cue, Miss Beatly flew up again. The raid’s other tanks moved into position for the usual wave of molefolk, while the secretary turned toward them with a cruel smile. She pointed a blood-stained finger at Tunk. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

  Blackness emerged at the feet of the confused forest giant, and before he could realize what was happening, he was sucked into the newly formed portal. Miss Beatly casually floated down to the ground, and a second later an armor-covered corpse shot from the portal and clattered next to her. An eerie silence took over the room. No one seemed to know what to do next.

  Finally, a dwarf Light Mage bravely cast a heal on the unmoving pile that was Tunk. Naturally, the spell landed for a 0, but it did snap the rest of the raid out of their shocked and confused funk. Almost as soon as the spell landed, the beaverkin Nibble’s spikey hair could be seen bouncing through the raid as he pushed his way into position to take over. The boss didn’t wait for him and flew through the raid, slashing whoever she could get her fingernails on.

  “Now can I go in?” Georgius asked. “She just one-shotted that tank, and he had gear most level forties would be jealous of.”

  “I think that’s more than fair,” Noradine said. “These applicants have already performed better than we did on our first raid. Remember the ettins?”

  Cedra’s eyes stayed on Tunk’s corpse. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you? Probably going to have them carve it into my tombstone. No, I think we should keep back. Did you notice how there weren’t any damage numbers when Tunk got sucked down and spit back up? Might’ve been my imagination, but—”

  It took Nibble two Shouts, a blinding punch, and some sort of special ability that caused Miss Beatly to cover her ears before he could get her to focus on him, but by then the damage had been done. Two-thirds of the raid lay dead, and though she only had 40% left, the slowing pace of attacks meant they didn’t have enough left to finish her off. Then again, this was the first raid I’d ever seen in the game, so what did I know?

  This time, when Miss Beatly floated out of range, a rain of protective spells covered the tank. As the portal appeared below him, Nibble jumped up shockingly high, given his stumpy, beaverkin legs. His face spread into a confident smirk. Miss Beatly gave him a smirk of her own when black tendrils of energy emerged from the portal to pull him down a few seconds later. Before it spit Nibble’s corpse back up, Georgius activated one of his abilities and shot across the room, knocking the boss from the air.

  “You idiot!” Cedra said. “There were no damage numbers again. That ability’s an automatic one-shot. Your gear won’t matter.” She turned to Noradine. “Don’t you dare help him. We’re going to need you to rez everyone when the raid wipes.”

  Georgius was a blur, tearing into Miss Beatly like she was a practice dummy. In fewer than fifteen seconds, he had her down to her last 20%. Despite the nonstop rain of blows, she managed to float away from him into her familiar position at the top of the cavern. As soon as she raised her finger to point at him, he activated the same ability as before and shot up to land a brutal, concussive blow to her head. The frustration and tension in the remaining raid members evaporated, and they started chanting his name. They b
arely got the third “Georgius” out, before the word “Immune” floated off her and their hero slid to the ground with a heavy crash.

  Miss Beatly lowered her finger. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

  A blinding array of special ability icons flew off of Georgius—I suspected he just activated all of them at once—as the black portal appeared under his feet. Right as Cedra had predicted, he was sucked in and unceremoniously spit out in a dead heap with no damage numbers being displayed.

  The boss landed next to the corpse and gave it a kick. No one in the raid moved a muscle as they stared at her in awe, until a wood elf Mage let out a scream and bolted toward the door on the other side of the room. Naturally, it was locked. He finally gave up and resorted to running back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off.

  It looked like the rest of the raid was about to join him when a four-foot-tall gnome whacked him upside the head with the flat part of her massive axe. The elf collapsed comically like a falling tree as she charged the winged monster.

  “Only 17% more. Dig deep and we got this!” The gnome crashed into Miss Beatly like she was an army of giants and not sixtyish pounds of head and spindly limbs. “I’m gonna murder you with a winkle. Murderwinkle is on the case!”

  The gnome’s brave display shook the raid awake immediately. Arrows and spells flew almost as fast as the yells of encouragement and excitement. The boss’s HP plummeted at a crazy rate. I wondered why it hadn’t dropped like that before, until an empty potion vial rolled into my foot. As I looked around, I could see more and more of them being flung about. Their casters must’ve been emptying every mana potion they had. Even a few of the melee were joining in on the act with bright yellow potions I’d never seen before.