by M Helbig
Curiosity overcame my terror, and I peeked around her shield. No one was dead. Tunk, Nibble, and Murderwinkle had arrayed themselves in a circle with the rest of the raid spread out behind them. The three tanks remained on guard but didn’t advance on the table or its lone occupant in front of them. The odd man in shiny multi-colored armor slowly raised a dainty teacup to his mouth and just as slowly set it down. When he finished wiping his mouth, he set the napkin down, folded it into a shape, and gave a long, contented sigh. Opposite him was a second teacup suspended in midair.
“Tunk, engage him now, while he’s still distracted,” Murderwinkle said.
Tunk scratched his helmet with his sword. “Why ya tryin’ to get me killed? That fellow’s a level—well, too high for my Inspect to reckon what he is. No point in you tryin’ to make me look bad neither. You’re already in.”
“Well, do something,” Murderwinkle said.
Alizia pointed at Tunk and let out a loud laugh, giving Tunk at least one idea of what to do. I stepped in between them before he changed targets.
“Clewd, where’s the boss?” I asked.
Clewd stood up with immediate recognition in his eyes. “Excellent. My stars have finally arrived. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting?”
I sighed.
“Drat. I was really hoping you did. Completely forgot my watch back home. And the previous owner of this place, the Mad Shuffler? Baddington Pear? Whatever his name was, he didn’t put up a single clock. Terrible decorator. I was about to suggest several improvements but then he up and left mumbling something about a demotion.”
Olaf cleared his throat for the fifth time and Clewd finally noticed him. “My word! It’s you.” He turned to me. “Why didn’t you tell me he was here, Lucas?”
“He’s always with me,” I said. “We’re in a permanent group. How do you know my real name anyway?”
“Don’t answer that yet, please,” Olaf said. “We have come all this way, sir, because you have some information we need. Do you know—?”
“Clewd!” Cedra pushed through the raid. “What did I tell you the last time I saw you?”
“That only I can prevent forest fires,” Clewd said. “Never understood why everyone else gets to start all the forest fires they want, but I’m expected to be the responsible one. However, you’re the boss, so I’ve been sure to prevent all the forest fires I’ve encountered while inside this cavern and am proud to say that not one tree has caught fire the whole time.” He saluted Cedra crisply. “Now is there anything else I can do for you? Say no to drugs? Record a comedy rap album? Teach you a few dance moves that’ll be sure to impress all the fellas?”
Cedra growled and put her finger in his chest. Clewd gave her his usual stupid grin.
“No,” Cedra said. “What I told you was that I never wanted to see you within a hundred miles of any of my raids again. Now, get out!” She gave him a hard shove, but Clewd didn’t budge.
“Hmm . . . While your opinion does matter to me, I have already promised someone else that I’d stay here,” Clewd said. “How about I do your thing next time?”
Georgius hastily rushed forward. “Mr. Clewd, sir—”
“Please, Mr. Clewd wasn’t my father. Call me Mr. Clewd.”
“Right. So, Mr. Clewd, we were wondering if you’d happen to know what the new boss who’s supposed to be here is like? Also, where is he? Or she? Or it?”
“All excellent questions, Greg. And as it would happen, I do know exactly what the boss is like and where he is.” Clewd winked at Georgius.
“Could you tell us?” Georgius asked Clewd.
“I could,” Clewd said.
“Would you?” He caught the glint in Clewd’s eye and hastily reframed his question. “What is the boss like? You know special attacks, damage types, etcetera. And where he is currently?”
“I’m sorry, but I swore I wouldn’t. Client/patient/doctor/carpenter confidentiality. “You’re going to have to figure that out yourself, while I film your epic struggle.” Clewd summoned a tripod with a telescope on it. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to setup before the fun starts.”
Cedra used the distraction to get behind Clewd and examine the contents of the table. She held up his teacup and tipped it over. “If there was a boss he was conversing with nearby, I’m quite sure this loon would’ve poured him a cup too. Not the best evidence, but my gut’s telling me that there was never anyone else here. I think that somehow, our ‘Mr.’ Clewd has become the boss of this dungeon.” She pointed at Tunk. “You’re on.”
“Am I the only one who thinks she’s lost all her marbles?” Alizia asked in group chat.
“Not all of them, anyway,” Olaf said. “What she said does not make any sense to me either.”
“I think the actual boss has something to do with that second teacup floating in the air behind Clewd,” I said.
Yary’s eyes lit up as she saw the second cup for the first time.
“Cedra’s done this before,” Georgius said. “She’ll make up a logic-impaired argument to cover for what she really wants. Something that she knows no one will go for. I think she’s finally had enough of Clewd ruining our raids and wants to get him out of here.”
“Well, as someone who’s only met this loon briefly, yet had the crap annoyed out of her by him, I’d sign up for smacking him around until he goes away,” Alizia said.
“We need to stop this,” I said. “For Olaf.”
Alizia frowned. “Fine, but when you get what you need, I’m going piñata on him.”
“I’ll talk to Cedra,” Georgius said.
Unfortunately, he was too late. Tunk let out a massive yell that shook the cavern. “I Shout at you, you boss-player guy.”
Clewd wheeled around, his eyes opening wide. “You! I’ve been looking for you for almost as long as Lucas and Greg here—by the way, who are you?”
“I’m Tunk and I’m here to give you a big bump. I Shout at you again!”
A large, round object appeared in Clewd’s hand. “There’s no need for that, my good man. I can hear you just fine.”
Cedra let out a disgusted sigh and pushed Tunk forward. Despite Tunk’s bold and exceptionally loud words, with the way he’d been shaking and inching back, I didn’t think Cedra’s push would do any good. To my surprise, he propelled forward as if she’d stuck a rocket on his back. At first, I assumed she’d put some sort of buff on him, but when I didn’t see any new icons float over his head, I realized it was something else. He probably only needed a reminder of what was at stake and who was watching him.
I winced a second before the charging pile of metal and muscle collided with the confused and bewildered man. The crash was deafening. In a blink, Tunk was splattered on the floor twenty feet away on the opposite side of the cavern. He let out a pitiful moan. Three heals landed on him simultaneously, though he’d only taken about 30 damage.
Clewd scratched his head at Tunk and shrugged. “Hmm. Not sure how you got all the way over there, but since you’re sitting down, how do you take your eggs?” Clewd flipped the flat, metal object over in his hand to reveal a skillet with two eggs sizzling in its center. I wasn’t sure how they had been staying on it, or how it was cooking them with no heat source.
Cedra pointed at Nibble, but he was already moving.
“Stop this!” Georgius rushed forward to intervene.
“I won’t let your soft-heartedness get in our way again,” Cedra said. “Sure, it hurts players a little to die, but it’s not like it kills them for real or anything. Besides, it’s good to let others know that there’s a price to pay for getting in our way.”
Olaf appeared next to Cedra and tugged on the bottom of her breastplate. “Please, I only need to talk to him. My son went missing in the game over a year ago, and he’s the only person I’ve been able to find who knows anything about his whereabouts.”
“Cedra, have a heart and let him speak to Clewd,” Georgius said. “Please.”
Cedra glared
at Olaf as she peeled his hand off her armor like it was covered in filth. “You don’t get to be a top guild leader by having one of those, but just this once, I’ll let you have your way.” She stared down at Olaf. “You have two minutes. Then we attack regardless of whether you’re done or not.”
Olaf darted around her. “Thank you. I am forever in your d—”
“Kiyaaa!” A braid of red hair and a fist flew past Olaf. A second later, the entire cavern shook with the timbre of a deep voice. I think I was the only one who noticed the second teacup crash to the ground.
“YOU THINK THAT HURT ME? I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT HURTS!”
But He’s Not Even Wearing Any Sunglasses
“Raid chat’s back on for everyone. Use it sparingly and only for important things. Nibble, forward now.” Cedra’s voice cracked slightly and she nearly fell over in her haste to get out of the way. Yary, on the other hand, was unloading on the still hidden boss with a grace and ease I’d not seen since her stats had skyrocketed from Fistbeard’s dying buff. It looked like Cedra wanted to say more, but given Yary’s incredible feat, couldn’t without making herself look bad.
Nibble hesitated, so Tunk rushed forward. Though, by the time he got through the crowd, Nibble shook off his stupor and moved. As the two of them fought to disentangle themselves, Murderwinkle hopped up on the boss’s platform.
“Hope you already took a tinkle, ’cause you’re about to get murdered in a winkle. I Shout at you!” Murderwinkle shook her giant axe at the boss and charged.
Though I couldn’t get a lock on the boss to use Inspect, I was shocked to see Yary have no problem surviving the boss’s blows. However, as soon as Murderwinkle’s axe joined in, the boss faded and melded with the shadows.
“WELL DONE, RED. YOU MANAGED TO SURPRISE ME. BUT NOW THE REAL CONTEST BEGINS.”
Yary shook her fist at the source of the voice. “Don’t think you can escape that easily. I won’t let you kill again, monster.”
“Find him now,” Cedra said in raid chat.
Everyone’s eyes darted around the cavern in panic, trying to find the source of the voice. The mages spread their spells around the room, hoping to catch the boss through sheer volume. Cedra directed the ranged units to pepper the walls with arrows as well, but still nothing changed besides a lot of noise and wasted effort.
From every crevice, corner, and edge in the room, the shadows evaporated momentarily, before coalescing into a single spot on a chair at the rickety table. The shadows slowly expanded, as more and more of them reached the spot, finally forming into the shape of a thin man. While the boss was only an outline of a person at first, slowly different shades of darkness began to filter in to give detail to the interior. The end result was a man with slicked-back hair in a fashionable suit with sunglasses. I was deathly afraid we’d end up owing him ten percent of all future loot.
“SHALL WE BEGIN? I OFFER YOU THE FIRST MOVE.”
“Sweet,” Alizia said. “Let me get my crayons, and after I finish coloring you in, I’ll do something about that bald spot.”
Cedra turned to Tunk and pointed at the raid boss. “Now!”
Tunk’s brutal charge ended in a crash as he sailed through the boss and crushed the flimsy table, spraying tea and shards of ceramic everywhere. The man of darkness melted into an amorphous blob, eventually coalescing back into his man shape a few feet away.
“WHAT A WASTE OF AN OPENING MOVE. I SUPPOSE THAT MAKES IT MY TURN NOW. SAY HI TO THE BRIGHT LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL FOR ME.”
His eyes somehow turned even darker than the rest of his body, while his fingers elongated into spikes. He slashed toward the backside of the fallen tank. In spite of the lowly position, Tunk somehow managed to bring his shield around to intercept. The sharp points screeched against the thick, reinforced metal like fingernails against a blackboard. Tunk struggled to get to his feet as the ruined table apparently stuck to his legs, yet he amazingly still managed to catch most of the blows on his shield.
“He’s made of shadow,” Cedra said. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen that. Inspect isn’t showing his weakness, but if memory serves, it should mean he’s weak against healing and regeneration spells. Start targeting him with those now.”
As white, green and yellow spells rained down on the dark man’s form, I noticed that no one was targeting Tunk anymore. My string of Regrowths barely kept him up until Cedra ordered several of the healers to switch back thirty seconds later. By that time, I was almost out of mana, so I switched to my bow and gave that up too when all of my arrows flew through him. With nothing else to do, I used Inspect in the hopes that I’d get a lucky roll and be able to see his weakness.
Shades
Level: ???
Resists
Type: Raid Boss
Light: ???
Race: Shadowman
Dark: ???
Faction: none
Earth: ???
HP: ???
Water: ???
MP: ???
Fire: ???
AP: ???
Wind: ???
AC: ???
Special Attributes: ???
Weaknesses: ???
Three more tries produced the same result. I could still see his HP percentage at least, and even after several minutes of a blinding light show, he was still at 99%. How many hit points does this guy have? Or—
“Stop healing magic,” Cedra said. “Apparently, he’s different than the other shadowmen I’ve faced before.”
Georgius muttered something under his breath that drew a scowl from Cedra.
“Which means we should . . . umm.”
“Use light spells on him,” I and five others said almost simultaneously. Alizia helpfully appended a “duh” a second later.
“Yes, good job, all of you,” Cedra said. “That was just a test.”
Georgius mumbled something again, this time hastily adding in, “Sorry, bad cold,” when Cedra glared at him. Even though there were no colds in the game, Cedra accepted his excuse and turned back to the fight.
While the various light spells did do more damage than the collective zero that the healing spells had done, they only took Shades down one percent after three minutes. When the barrage faltered enough for me to see, one other thing became apparent.
“He’s—” I managed to get out in raid chat before Cedra’s raid leader voice drowned mine out.
“He’s now vulnerable to melee. Get in there, people.” She automatically reached up and yanked Georgius back as he tried to charge in. “Applicants and new members only. We’re here to observe.”
Olaf appeared and unloaded with a Vital Strike/Flanking Attack/Sneak Attack combo of 237!—a personal best, if I remembered correctly—but I doubted he’d bring it up after the other Thieves easily doubled it. The rest of the melee and non-magic ranged attackers must’ve used similar special abilities as several of them landed massive strikes of their own. Soon enough, we had him down to 82%, but then the damage stopped.
Shades reverted to the darker, less defined version we’d seen at the beginning and unloaded on Tunk. The damage was staggering. In under a minute, I estimated his damage totaled over fifteen times Tunk’s HPs. The healers on the raid were amazing (and I’m not just saying that because I was technically one of them) yet even the best can’t keep it up forever. One of the Light Mages who had been granted membership by Cedra fumbled his spell, though Tunk still barely held on at 5 HPs. A Shaman frantically landed some sort of special ability that completely healed Tunk right before Shades’s attempt to literally flick him to death. However, only thirty seconds later the same thing played out again. This time there was no special ability. Tunk’s armor collapsed to the ground.
Nibble roared and immediately took Tunk’s place. However, I didn’t think he’d have a much longer life expectancy. Tunk hadn’t died from bad luck; the healing spells had only slowed it down. With the way several of the healers kept twinkling their fingers but not releasing spells, I figure
d they were just as out of mana as me.
I let out a laugh at my own stupidity. Cedra took it the wrong way, sending me a dirty look for it (though maybe not, as that seemed to be her default expression). I’d forgotten I was now in their raid and could just check the bars above their heads. Nearly all of the healers were indeed almost completely out of mana. Several of the Elemental Mages and Archers chipped in with the weak healing spells they got from their base classes, and a few of the others were throwing in any random item- or scroll-based heal they could find.
The sight brought me back to the memory of Yary and how she’d originally thought her bracer was the only way she could heal. This situation was totally different, as these players were doing it because they couldn’t heal others any other way. Plus, that was the old Yary; the new one knew that her best healing came as a byproduct of doing damage.
I eyed Yary so I could feel better about something, given how badly the fight was going, and was shocked to see her tapping her bracer like before to no effect and not even attempting to attack.
“Yary,” I said. “Go back to meleeing, so—” My voice caught in my throat as I realized that even if she were hitting Shades, no heals would come. She had to do damage to heal that way.
Yary stopped tapping her bracer and rushed forward. “Right, of course.”
“Horus!” Cedra said. “This is my raid. Only I should be giving orders.”
Alizia turned and smirked. “I’m sure he’s extra sorry, O Great and Wise Raid Leader. By the way, what exactly is your order right now?”
“Yes, uhh,” Cedra said. “Do . . . stuff.”
Alizia saluted her. “You heard the lady, everyone, ‘Do stuff.’ So, everyone with that super-secret ‘Do Stuff’ ability that you’ve been keeping hidden, I want to see you use it now, and be sure to use lots of it.” She clapped her hands. “Chop. Chop.”
“Banned from not just our guild but every major Sun guild in the game.” Cedra stopped muttering and cleared her throat. “Someone use a light spell on him to take his Invulnerability away.”