by Carter, Nick
I OFTEN WONDER WHY WE LET THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS HAVE SUCH AN IMPACT.
My therapist tells me that I should never allow what happened to me in the past affect my future. That’s exactly what I was doing. You might want to ask yourself if you’ve also put labels and limitations on yourself that keep you from claiming the life you want. Have you told yourself you’re not smart enough, not talented enough, or not worthy of what you want? I often wonder why we let those negative thoughts have such an impact. Why don’t we hold onto positive thoughts in the same way?
Instead of letting one minor memory failure as a kid stick with me for so long, why didn’t I go with the fact that at the age of twelve, I was already so polished as a performer that my choices were to join the cast of Disney’s All New Mickey Mouse Club show or the band Backstreet Boys? Why didn’t I apply some gratitude for my success as a singer and performer and use that to boost my confidence instead of feeling unworthy?
Those are questions that I’m asking myself in the acting workshop exercises I’m participating in now. Psychologically, it’s very intense. John wants us to be in touch with our emotions. In the past, I often ran from mine. Usually, I tried to drown them in alcohol or numb them with drugs. But John has made me open up old wounds and look at them to determine what caused them and how each of them impacted the way I see and respond to the world around me.
I’ve learned that you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to become stronger. It’s tough. Like most people, I don’t like reliving painful events or memories. I’m much more inclined to bury them or let them remain locked away. But I’ve learned that what is easier for us isn’t necessarily what is better for us.
LETTING GO
Too often, when we’re hurt we close up to protect ourselves. We don’t express our feelings so they fester inside, causing confusion, frustration and anger. Guys are known for that, but women do it too. Another guy thing that I’m guilty of is holding back, which you can’t do as an actor. Most of the other participants in John’s workshop are younger than me, yet they are more experienced as actors. Many majored in theater in college. Some have already worked regularly in commercials, movies and television shows. They see me as this older, sort of uptight, pop star guy who has sold millions of albums but is somehow just raw as an actor. I feel pretty vulnerable and humble when I see how good most of the kids in my workshop are. They can cut loose and get into character much easier than I can.
John has had me working on that, to the point that it’s a little scary and shocking. After the first few days in his class I found myself crying over things I never thought I’d cry over. For instance, I was home on my computer one night and I randomly clicked on a music video by the rock group Heart with the sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson. I love Nancy’s guitar playing especially. But this time, something just came over me. I got all teary-eyed as I watched their performance and I couldn’t figure out why. A friend told me later that the song must have “hit a cord with me”—reminding me of something in my past, something that triggered a strong, long-buried emotion.
I really don’t know what memories came up with that Heart song, but I’m glad it happened. It’s good to relieve those pent-up feelings. Crying provides a huge release of stress and pressure. I used to have a hard time crying, probably because my dad was a tough guy and he saw it as a sign of weakness. When I cried as a kid, he would smack me upside the head and tell me to stop being a baby.
I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LET THE TEARS SLIP WHENEVER THE INSTINCT STRIKES YOU.
More recently, I’ve learned that crying is a natural response to certain deeply felt emotions. We really shouldn’t try to hold back our tears because keeping those feelings bottled up actually makes us more vulnerable. I usually feel much better after something causes me to cry, so I don’t look at it as a bad thing anymore.
You shouldn’t look at crying as a bad thing either. I encourage you to let the tears slip whenever the instinct strikes you. If it helps to open up with a friend or a therapist, then do that. John Rosenfeld’s class provided me with the support and encouragement I needed to finally break through the barriers I’d built around my feelings since childhood. I find that every time I allow myself to open up and be vulnerable, I learn something new about myself, and I feel stronger.
John wants his students to be as free as children playing in his workshops. His classes are forcing me to let go of the things that have held me back in my acting. It’s all about recapturing that childhood joy, enthusiasm and fearlessness. I’ve been able to tap into the feelings I had in the early days of BSB when we had so much fun dancing and singing onstage, and just enjoying all of the opportunities that came our way.
I want to bring that joyful attitude now into every aspect of my life.
I believe that my experience in John’s workshop will make me a better all-around person and performer. I’m more aware of my feelings, more conscious of how things affect me, more focused on the positive, and I’m feeling much more optimistic about my future.
LASTING BONDS
When you live on the edge as long as I did, you can’t possibly foresee all of the rewards that come with a healthier, saner, and more sober lifestyle. This is especially true for me in my interactions with other people. I’ve had very few normal relationships in my life.
You’ve already learned more about my family dysfunction than you’ve probably ever wanted to know. And my experiences with girlfriends haven’t been the most stable either. Even the relationships that didn’t make the tabloids were pretty tumultuous. Most of them didn’t last very long either.
Part of the problem was my globetrotting lifestyle, of course. Sure, it can be a glamorous and fun. We had a ball in the early years. But for every song written about the good ole wild and crazy times on the road, there is another one or two about the loneliness, monotony and disconnection that comes with constantly moving from one venue and hotel room to the next.
I’m grateful for the opportunities, of course. I wouldn’t trade my experiences for anything. There’s no other job that would have allowed a working class kid from Tampa to see so much of the world, or to make such a great living. Still, I often found myself envying people who had more balanced lives and long-term, loving and supportive relationships.
I WOULDN’T TRADE MY EXPERIENCES FOR ANYTHING.
Girls came and went with me. I could never hold on to a relationship. I didn’t trust anybody and because I was immature and a control freak, I often saw the girls I dated as controlling. I’d break up, saying I didn’t want another person telling me what to do or putting demands on me.
When you are in a committed relationship, you are accountable to the other person. You have to consider the impact that your actions and words have on your partner. Back then I couldn’t handle being responsible and considerate of another person all the time.
I was more about drinking and partying and hanging out with my friends. I was locked into that 19-year-old-guy mindset, and most of the people I hung out with shared my views. I was surrounded by self-centered people who were all about getting drunk and stoned. It was a negative environment. We were the misery-loves-company crowd. Our relationships were built on nothing more than our shared lack of responsibility. We weren’t really friends at all. We were mostly just enablers for each other’s worst habits.
My life has changed so much for the better in that regard too. What may be the greatest reward, and the most telling sign that I am recovering from my past mistakes, is the fact that I’ve been in a healthy, loving relationship with a wonderful woman named Lauren Kitt for the past four years—the longest relationship of my life. I’m extraordinarily happy. We have been doing really well in the last few years especially, and it’s because I’m learning to be a better person and a better partner in the relationship.
I’ve come a long way in that regard. My focus has had to change. Lauren has taught me a lot. She is intelligent, a genuine and honest person, and she is my best friend. I’ve jus
t never had anyone I could totally trust like Lauren. Having a stable relationship with her has made such a difference.
MY FOCUS HAS HAD TO CHANGE.
We’ve both had our challenges with alcohol, drugs and weight, so we understand each other and support each other mentally and spiritually. We both want to be healthier in mind and body. Fitness is common ground for us. We motivate each other and use sports as a way to combat depression and release healthy endorphins. Lauren has been a rock for me, the person I can go to and feel normal with. We play tennis and video games and we work out together. We do weightlifting and cardio conditioning, too. We’ve even played paintball together. She once shot me point blank, which was not fun. It stung like hell and left a mark. She’s got mad skills as an athlete, that’s for sure.
Lauren is a model and professional bodybuilder who has earned her pro card with the World Bodybuilding and Fitness Federation (WBFF) in Dallas. She is athletic and super-competitive, which keeps things interesting because we push each other to be better all the time. And we’ve enjoyed motivating other people as well; we started a YouTube TV show and website together called Kitt Fit that focuses on the fitness portion of our lives. We really are very dedicated to showing others how to stay active and healthy. I particularly like that we have grown as people as we’ve grown together. We’ve become more than either of us ever thought we could be.
I’ve had relationships that didn’t seem to go anywhere beyond the initial physical attraction. Some of the women I’ve dated actually made me feel worse about myself. A few were just fans curious about the celebrity life or they were looking to help their careers by hanging out with me.
I ENJOY LEARNING HOW TO BE A MORE THOUGHTFUL AND CARING PERSON.
My connection with Lauren is healthier than any I’ve had because it is based on our shared desire to be better and to live more meaningful lives. Together, we feel we can do anything we put our minds to. This sort of positive, empowering bond was the major missing piece in my life. Most of my previous relationships were superficial or unbalanced on one side or the other. There wasn’t the same mutual respect and caring as I’m fortunate to experience now with Lauren. In the past, if I had a disagreement with a girlfriend it was often as if someone had lit a fuse. Explosives would go off. There was no search for understanding or solutions.
I’d become jaded. I’d given up on ever finding a person to share my life with. In a lot of ways I didn’t know what constituted good or bad, right or wrong in this arena. I’ve had to study how my friends with solid relationships treat their wives and how they respond to each other. I try to apply the lessons I’ve learned to my own life. These observations have helped make me an infinitely better partner. It’s exciting, really. I enjoy learning how to be a more thoughtful and caring person. I don’t always succeed. Most men have a lot to learn when it comes to communicating with women. But I continue to try and the results of those efforts are rewarding.
Lauren isn’t afraid to give me a reality check now and then, but even when she does, we can usually just talk through things without blowing up. Taking alcohol and drugs out of the equation definitely helps. We’re not going out partying every night. I spent so much of my life in bars and clubs, wasting time that I should’ve spent in acting classes or writing songs—making improvements that would have put me ahead of the game. I’m making up for lost time now, and having this stable relationship has been a major factor.
Whenever I’m feeling sad or depressed about Leslie’s death, my poor relationship with my parents or other personal issues, Lauren is there for me. She is so understanding. She’ll comfort me and give me time to be sad or to vent, all while encouraging me to be forgiving toward others and myself too. She gives me room to deal with my demons in a sane and healthy way.
BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER
Other girls in my life would often criticize me for my feelings, take the other side—or worse, they just wouldn’t want to deal with me when I wasn’t fun to be around. Lauren never says that I shouldn’t feel one way or another, or that I’m wrong. She says, “I love you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. It pains me when you are hurting and self-destructive because I want us to be together for a long time. I love you. I want you to be here.”
We’ve talked about the way my sister died from an overdose, whether intentional or accidental, and Lauren is clear about needing me and wanting us to live long lives together. We’re sometimes a little extreme in our focus on fitness, but even when we’re over the top, at least it’s a healthy fixation. If either one of us has a checkup and our blood pressure is up or we’ve gained weight, we’re all over it, correcting the problem quickly because we want to wake up every morning to see each other’s face. We want to be there for each other.
That’s such a shift for me. I’ve clearly moved away from being focused on my problems and needs and am now moving toward having a more balanced outlook in life and love. I guess it is part of an evolving and more grown-up perspective. I’ve learned with Lauren that you can’t change other people, but that’s the wrong goal anyway. If you truly care about someone and want to build a lasting relationship with them, you work on yourself first and serve as an example.
WE WANT TO BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.
There may be things about your partner that you don’t like, but if you look within yourself, you’ll likely find a lack of perfection there too. You should never accept abusive behavior, of course. Sometimes we do fall for people who aren’t right for us. In that instance, you have to be able to see the relationship for what it is and make the decision to walk away. I’ve made that decision before and know it can be painful, even when it’s apparent that it’s the right thing to do. Remember that when you walk away from a bad relationship, you’re actually taking one step closer to finding a better relationship. One that’s truly right for you.
With Lauren, I want to be a better person, which tells me that she is good for me. We make each other want to strive to be our best selves. The point I want to make in this last chapter is that if you aren’t finding long-term relationships that make you want to be a better partner and person, maybe the problem isn’t the people you are dating. Maybe the problem lies somewhere within you.
That was my case, for the most part. I wasn’t satisfied with anyone else primarily because I wasn’t satisfied with myself. My relationship with Lauren didn’t really take root until I became committed to having a healthier, saner, and more positive life. Lauren bought into that person and now we inspire each other to fulfill that dream for ourselves and for each other.
SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND
We’ve both done self-destructive things in the past. However, now that we’ve built something really beautiful together, we realize that we’d have so much more to lose if we ever jeopardized it. That knowledge gives us greater incentive to preserve and cultivate what we have. We’ve identified not only the sort of people we want to be, but the kind of relationship we want to enjoy together. Our physical attraction is strong. Being friends to each other is equally important. Sometimes that means giving each other a friendly kick in the butt, or a wake-up call, or another point of view. Love is not just about smiling and being agreeable.
If relationships were an extreme sport, my family would have been Olympians in that category. When things were good, we were all hugs and kisses and “I love you, too.” When things were bad, we’d shriek, throw things at each other, and punch and scream for hours. There was very little middle ground. Lauren and I don’t want that.
IF RELATIONSHIPS WERE AN EXTREME SPORT, MY FAMILY WOULD HAVE BEEN OLYMPIANS IN THAT CATEGORY.
We don’t mind being a boring couple now and then. Boring has its good points. We try not to let small things blow up into big problems. Before meeting Lauren, I had a tendency to sulk and keep my feelings locked up until the pressure built so much that I’d explode. I avoided conflict because in my childhood, there was no such thing as a gentle disagreement. My father let off steam by shooting a gun ou
t the window. Can you imagine the fear that created in our household?
Lauren is a strong woman, physically and emotionally, but I don’t ever want her to fear me in that way. So, building a relationship is just as much about knowing what you don’t want, as knowing what you do want. That’s all part of it. I’m learning to take responsibility for how I make her feel, which is a big step for me and for most guys.
Women often assume we understand their feelings, but most men aren’t wired like that. So when we are committed to someone who matters to us, we are sometimes slow to grasp that women don’t want us to fix their situations as much as they want us to understand how they feel about them.
I don’t pretend to have the male-female dynamics all figured out yet. At one time in my life, I feared I’d never have a girlfriend for more than a few years.
And even if I did, I feared marriage. (Don’t even get me started on my fear of kids!) But I am maturing and my outlook on many things is changing.
When I first met Lauren, I told her that I never wanted to get married. My parents’ union had served as such a bad example, I just didn’t believe in it. I wanted her to hear it from me firsthand. But when you grow to truly love someone, you feel very protective of that person. Especially when that person is as dedicated to you as Lauren is to me—when that person is by your side everyday supporting your needs and goals. You see in their actions that they have committed their life to you. And because their life has value, too, you have to be fair. You can’t just play with another person’s life. You’re either in or you’re out. Before I knew it, I was dedicated to Lauren, too.