by Carter, Nick
WHEREAS THE THOUGHT OF BEING COMMITTED TO ONE PERSON FOR SO LONG WAS ONCE SCARY TO ME, I ACTUALLY FIND IT LIBERATING NOW.
Whereas the thought of being committed to one person for so long was once scary to me, I actually find it liberating now. I am much freer to be myself when I’m with Lauren because she and I know and trust each other so much. That sense of freedom is something I never expected in a relationship, but I’m really grateful for it.
Today, I’m happy to say that not only can I imagine spending a lifetime with Lauren, I‘m really looking forward to it. In February of 2013, I proposed to her in one of my favorite places on earth and she said, “Yes!” We had planned a 10-day vacation in the Florida Keys. I bought the ring in advance, and by the time we got down there I had wanted to finally give it to her. I felt like it was burning a hole in my pocket for a while already. The plan was to take a 25-foot boat I kept down there to a private island that is very special to me. I chose that location because I wanted Lauren to visit a place from my childhood that held happy memories, especially since she had mostly heard about all the bad things from that time in my life.
Although I loved fishing and boating, I hadn’t been to the Keys in more than 8 years. What I didn’t realize before we arrived was that after all that time being docked in the marina, the boat would be in such bad condition.
I knew I just couldn’t let anything disrupt my plans, so Lauren’s father and I spent three whole days taking that boat apart and restoring it as best we could. We ripped the engine out and replaced all the gunked-up parts until it was functioning enough to take out for a ride. On that day, we almost didn’t make it to the island. We got to a sand mound and the engine stopped. I had to restart it several times, but it was really touch and go. Can you imagine if we got stuck out there? It’s so remote we would have had to call the Coast Guard. It was an adventure, but we finally got to where I intended to go. We call it Engagement Island because where it’s located is still a secret and we want to keep it that way. That’s where I finally popped the question and Lauren happily agreed to spend the rest of her life with me.
In so many ways that trip is a metaphor for the long and determined journey I’ve described for you in this book. I’ve had to take my life apart, examine it, figure out what needed fixing and make the necessary changes to get me where I so badly wanted to be, just as I had to do with that boat. One of the many wonderful things about returning to Florida on that trip was that I got a chance to stare down some of the worst demons of my past and prove to myself that I am stronger than I’ve ever been. It was such a mind-cleansing and healing experience and I’m so grateful for it. I am confident now that I can continue to grow and be the man I want to be for my own sake and the sake of my future wife. I’m excited by what both the present and the future hold for us.
I don’t have any further thoughts about kids at the moment, but I’ll say this much: As my married friends who served as such good relationship role models have and raise kids, I’ll be watching and learning from those relationships, too. If these friends are as good at parenting as I suspect they will be, then we might just consider it. Who knows? One thing I’ve learned from my experiences is that anything is possible, but I continue to take life one step at a time as that has been a very good approach for me.
WRITING MY OWN STORY
Every day I’m learning more about myself and my ability to create my own life story. I’m feeling better about my future thanks to my more positive outlook and lifestyle, my reunion with Backstreet Boys, my renewed interest in songwriting and acting, my solid and loving relationship with Lauren and, of course, our impending marriage. Every day is a new day, and I never know what will be thrown at me, but now I’m confident that I have the power to handle life’s challenges and the grace to appreciate its many gifts.
I know, too, that I can change myself for the better as long as I’m healthy in my mind and my body. I want to build on the good things in my life and I want to put the bad things in my rear view mirror, leaving them far behind forever. I do still deal with depression, which may be due to the drugs I’ve done in the past or, more generally, to my unhealthy former lifestyle. But I’ve learned to manage those moments, rather than allowing them to overwhelm me and trigger self-destructive behavior.
I COACH MYSELF TO SNAP OUT OF IT.
Being aware of negative thoughts and countering them immediately has been a big help. I coach myself to snap out of it. I use them as motivation to find something positive to do—anything that steers me away from darkness and toward the light.
We have an incredible ability to adjust our actions and thoughts. If we consistently monitor our feelings and make the necessary adjustments, the process gets easier and easier over time. My addictive craving now is to be healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m reading to open and expand my mind. I’m working out to strengthen my body. I’m in therapy to deal with my demons, manage my emotions, and just to be an all-around better person.
This book is one result of that commitment. I’ve tried to make it clear throughout these pages that I don’t see myself as wiser or more evolved than anyone else. It’s quite the opposite. The more I learn, the more humble I feel because there is so much more out there beyond my grasp. As I stated in the introduction, I hope you learn from my mistakes. I’ve shared so many of them with you and must admit that reliving them wasn’t easy.
THE MORE I LEARN, THE MORE HUMBLE I FEEL…
The other main point I hope you will take away from this book is that no matter how deep you may fall into that dark pit of despair, no matter how many mistakes you make, or how many failures you may experience, you can always turn your life around. You can be the person you want to be, the person you were meant to be. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Don’t ever let anyone else write your story for you. Write your own. Know that you are worthy of the best life you can create.
Reading this book is one step in that turnaround process. I encourage you to keep going, step by step, day by day. You may stumble, fall down, or screw up. I certainly have. You will find, though, that when you keep getting up and working for the life you want, you get better and better at being better and better. Just vow to learn from those mistakes and to forgive yourself. Vow to do your best. If you maintain that commitment and a positive attitude, I believe good things will happen for you just as they have for me. You have nothing to lose by trying and believe me the rewards are sweet!
DON’T EVER LET ANYONE ELSE WRITE YOUR STORY FOR YOU.
PERSONAL NOTES
A FEW PICS I’D LIKE TO SHARE
Cheese!
Wasn’t I a cutie?
My passion for music started at a young age.
Goofing around in Casa de Carter.
I’ve always been a dog person.
Learning my ABCs!
I’ve always loved shooting hoops.
My parents say I’m a natural born ham.
Me, age 12, rocking some sweet 90’s fashion.
Me and my sister BJ on vacation.
Little me, giving a kitten a lift.
Dyeing eggs with Grandpa Neal!
Me and Lauren enjoying a tasty treat.
Me and the boys, A.J. McLean, Brian Littrell, Howie Dorough and Kevin Richardson, in the early days of BSB.
From left: Brian, A.J., me, and Howie performing at the 2010 American Music Awards show.
Me and the boys at the 2010 American Music Awards.
Me and the guys accepting our Hollywood Walk of Fame star.
We were all so young when BSB first started!
These guys have always had my back, through thick and thin, and that means the world to me.
I feel so at home when I’m on stage.
DISCOGRAPHY & AWARDS
BACKSTREET BOYS
1996 – Backstreet Boys
1997 – Backstreet’s Back
1999 – Millennium
2000 – Black & Blue
2005 – Never Gone
&n
bsp; 2007 – Unbreakable
2009 – This Is Us
2013 – In a World Like This
SOLO
2002 – Now or Never
2011 – I’m Taking Off
AWARDS
1995
wSmash Hits – Best New Tour Act 1996
Bravo Otto – Gold Pop Group
Goldene Kamera – Best Boy Band
MTV Europe Music Awards – MTV Select: “Get Down (You’re the One for Me)”
Viva Comet Awards – Durchstarter (Best Newcomers) and the Shooting Star of the Year
1997
Bravo Otto – Gold Pop Group
MTV Europe Music Awards – Select: “As Long As You Love Me”
Viva Comet Awards – Durchstarter (Best Newcomers)
Diamond Award (Canada) – Backstreet Boys certified as a Diamond album in Canada (1,000,000 units sold)
1998
Billboard Music Awards – Group Album of the Year: Backstreet Boys
Bravo Otto – Gold Pop Group
ECHO Awards – Best International Group
MuchMusic Video Awards – People’s Choice Favorite
International Group
MTV Video Music Awards – Best Group Video: “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”
Smash Hits Poll Winners Awards – Best Non-British Act
TMF Awards (Netherlands) –
Best international album: Backstreet Boys
Best international single: “As Long as You Love Me”
Best international live act
Viva Comet Awards – Durchstarter (Best Newcomers)
World Music Awards – World’s Best-selling Dance Artist
Diamond Award (Canada) – Backstreet’s Back certified as a Diamond album in Canada (1,000,000 units sold)
1999
American Music Awards – Favorite Pop/Rock Band, Duo or Group
Grammy Awards – Best New Artist (nominated)
Billboard Music Awards –
Album of the Year: Millennium
Albums Artist Duo/Group of the Year
Albums Artist of the Year
Artist of the Year
Blockbuster Entertainment Awards –
Favorite CD: Millennium
Favorite Group: Pop
Bravo Otto – Silver Band
MuchMusic Video Awards – People’s Choice Favorite
International Group
MTV Europe Music Awards – Best Group
MTV Video Music Awards – Viewer’s Choice: “I Want It That Way”
Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards – Favorite Song: “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”
Smash Hits Poll Winners Awards –
Best Band on Planet Pop
Best Non-British Band
Best Single of 1999: “I Want It That Way”
Best Album of 1999: Millennium
Best Pop Video: “Larger than Life”
Teen Choice Awards – Choice Music Video of the Year: “All I Have To Give”
Viva Comet Awards – Zuschauer-Comet Viva (Viewer’s Choice)
World Music Awards – World’s Best-selling Pop Group
Diamond Award (U.S.) – Backstreet Boys certified as a Diamond album in the U.S. (10,000,000 units sold)
Millennium certified as a Diamond album in the U.S. (10,000,000 units sold)
Diamond Awards (Canada) – Millennium certified as a Diamond album in Canada (1,000,000 units sold)
2000
American Music Awards – Favorite Pop/Rock Band, Duo or Group
Grammy Awards –
Album of the Year: Millennium (nominated)
Best Pop Album: Millennium (nominated)
Record of the Year: “I Want It That Way” (nominated)
Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group: “I Want It That Way” (nominated)
Bravo Otto – Gold Pop Group
Juno Award – Best-selling Album (foreign or domestic): Millennium
Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards – Favorite Music Group
MTV Europe Music Awards – Best Group
People’s Choice Awards – Favorite Musical Group
Teen Choice Awards – Choice Album: Millennium
World Music Awards –
World’s Best-selling American Group
World’s Best-selling Pop Group
World’s Best-selling R&B Group
World’s Best-selling Dance Artist
Radio Music Awards – Radio Slow Dance Song of the Year: “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely”
2001
American Music Awards – Favorite Pop/Rock Band, Duo or Group Grammy Awards – Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal: “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely” (nominated)
MuchMusic Video Awards – People’s Choice Favorite International Group
TMF Awards (Netherlands) – Best International Pop Group
World Music Awards –
World’s Best-selling Pop Group
World’s Best-selling American Group
2002
Grammy Awards – Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal: “Shape of My Heart” (nominated)
RIAJ – 17th Japan Gold Disc Award
MTV Video Music Awards Japan – Best Group
MTV Asia Awards – Favorite Video: “The Call”
2005
Bravo Otto – Bronze Pop Group
2006
MTV Asia Awards – Favorite Pop Act
2009
Starshine Music Awards – Best Live Show
2010
Japan Gold Disc Award – International Song of the Year:
“Straight Through My Heart”
Starshine Music Awards –
Best Dance Song: “Straight Through My Heart”
Best Pop Song: “Bigger”
Favorite Band/Group
Best Live Show
Song of the Year: “Straight Through My Heart”
Album of the Year: This Is Us
Artist of the Year
2011
NewNowNext Awards – Best New Indulgence: New Kids On The Block/Backstreet Boys – Summer Tour 2011
2012
Hollywood Walk of Fame – Star on the Walk of Fame
NOTE FROM LAUREN
Throughout our relationship, Nick has inspired and motivated me. His resilience and energy towards life are just a couple of his many admirable qualities that continue to transpire. I would not be the woman I am today if not for him and his unconditional love. I am immensely proud of him and all that he has accomplished and cannot wait to be one as husband and wife.
I will be there always to love, protect and support you. I love you, Boose.
Lauren Kitt
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I WISH TO thank my grandfather, Douglas Spaulding, whose wisdom was such a great source of inspiration for me throughout my life. He was an amazing and accomplished man whose quest for knowledge and constant self-improvement was reflected in his extensive library. I remember cleaning his study as a child and being awed and fascinated by all of the books he had. I truly wish he could have read this one. Though he didn’t live to see it published, I’m proud to add it to the world’s library in his honor.
I also want thank the love of my life, my rock and stronghold, Lauren Kitt, who has seen me through many transformations and has urged me to accomplish more of my personal goals than I ever thought possible. She has had the faith, perseverance, and patience to stand by me as I learned a lifetime of valuable lessons in just a few intense years. Like so many other child celebrities, I stayed young in all the wrong ways for too many years and had a lot of growing up to do. Lauren was there for me as I made my way from being a boy to a man. I’m forever grateful to her for that and for all of her love.
Much appreciation goes to Lori Graf as well. She has served as a surrogate mother, as someone I could always talk to in times of need, and as someone I continue to look to up to with respect and admiration. She is one of life’s genuine role
models and I am fortunate to have her in my life.
I must also acknowledge each and every one of my bandmates. They have instilled values in me that I will hold for life; they have been with me through thick and thin and have served as an alternate family, often showing me other perspectives of what family is and can potentially be. They were “instrumental” in my evolution. In so many ways, they have helped me be who I am today. I love them like brothers.
Of course, I send a big shout-out to my amazing and loyal fans. You have shown me unconditional love for the past 20 years, sticking with me when I was up and when I was down. We’ve shared some real heartache—the kind I sing about, the kind we all experience from time to time, and the kind that caused me to almost self-destruct, but we’ve shared lots of good times, too. I want to thank you for believing in me and not giving up hope when I was going through those hard times. I know it wasn’t easy to watch me grow up right before your eyes.
Many thanks as well to Jack Ketsoyan of EMC Bowery, Jay McGraw, Scott Waterbury and Lisa Clark of Bird Street Books, and to Wes Smith and Hope Innelli for helping me bring this book to the world. It’s been a great journey.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
CHAPTER ONE
Everett, Cristina and Joyce Chen. “Nick and Aaron Carter’s sister Leslie died from drug overdose, was under the influence of several prescription drugs: police report.” New York Daily News. February 2, 2012. Accessed May 7, 2013. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/nick-aaron-carter-sister-leslie-death-caused-prescription-drugs-addiction-article-1.1015933.
CHAPTER FOUR
“Drug Facts: MDMA (Ecstasy).” National Institute on Drug Abuse. Last modified December 2012. http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/mdma-ecstasy.