The Existence of Amy

by Lana Grace Riva

  Even Rob touching me on the arm is spiralling ridiculous thoughts of distress through my head.

  I try to push them away, but I feel them taking over. They're strong today. Really strong.

  I make pitiful efforts to engage but I'm mostly sat or stood on the periphery of a group. The groups are being loud enough hopefully for no one to notice my silence. They maybe don't even notice my presence. That would be preferable right now.

  'You ok?' I turn to see Ed at my side. One person who will always notice.

  I make a sound indicating yes and manage a little smile but I'm really not ok. I'm scrambling through thoughts trying to find one that will appear as a valid excuse for me to leave but I can't seem to grab onto any.

  'Don't you want?' he asks.

  Can he read my thoughts? Does he know I want to leave?

  He's waving something at me though. I soon register it as a bottle of beer.

  'Oh, um, sure, thanks.'

  Maybe alcohol will help. I drink it but it doesn't taste right. I've been drinking this same brand of beer since we got here and enjoyed it, but right now it doesn't taste like it has before. Maybe it's a bad batch. I'm pretty sure that's not the reason though so I don't even bother checking for Ed's opinion.

  He makes attempts at conversation, but I can't really focus on what he's saying. I give disappointing one-word answers, hoping they make some kind of sense. The look on his face implies not.

  Eventually I relieve him of this agony and excuse myself to the bathroom.

  I stare in the mirror and scream words at myself. Inside voice screaming only. I'm sure I'm being weird enough without making things worse by bathroom screaming.

  Why can't you do this Amy? Engage, have fun. Everyone else is finding it pretty easy. You are not being asked to swim with sharks with no protective cage around you. You are at a fricking BBQ with lots of friends and potential to make lots of new friends.

  There is nice drink. There is nice food. There is nice conversation. There are nice people. Why can't you focus on that instead of all the other thoughts. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.

  The screaming was perhaps not the wisest choice. I feel too weak for tough love. Tears start to collect in my eyes.

  Great Amy – add to this ridiculousness by having a pathetic cry.

  You better have tissues with you because in no uncertain terms are you using anything in here.

  Can you just leave me alone? I plead. I don't want you in my life. I don't know why you appeared. I can't cope with you being here. It's so hard. Are you some kind of life test I am failing miserably at? Because I'm fine with accepting I've failed if we can just move on now and you go. Am I being punished for something?

  I'm here to help protect you remember? It's a good thing I'm here! Otherwise you would have taken all sorts of silly risks and ended up in serious trouble. You have to listen to me Amy or something really bad will happen. That is an absolute fact ok? We can be friends. You just have to listen and follow everything I say.

  But you are ruining my life.

  No I'm not. I'm saving your life.

  I don't want the life your saving.

  Charming. Shall I go and get my friend? It's pretty fond of hanging out with you too. You guys can come to some arrangement if you really don't want me to save you anymore.

  No, stop. Please no. I can't have it here in Australia. That's not fair.

  Fair? What is that word? I don't understand.

  I don't understand you.

  You don't need to understand. Like I said, you just need to follow my instructions. It really is the only thing that will keep you safe. Now, do you want to stay in here longer making yourself look even weirder or do you want to just do as I say and then get back out there? You'll feel much better once you do what I tell you to do, I promise.

  I'm not sure I will.

  I just promised didn't I? There is absolutely no other way you will feel better. You must do as I say. It is the only way. You will be in grave danger if you don't. But if you want to feel all that fear rushing through your body before the inevitable damage beyond repair then fine, go ahead. I'll be here when you change your mind. We both know you will eventually change your mind so I'm not sure why we're even having this argument.

  I'm never going to win.

  Fine, I will follow your instructions.

  Good. Wash your hands. And then the tissues. Don't forget to use your tissues to open the door.

  I listlessly follow the instructions then take some deep breathes and re-join the others. I try a bit harder to engage but it still seems to be so far from my capabilities today. It's just not working. I'm relieved when people start to leave, and the day finally drags to an end.

  I am not going to be able to leave without yet more challenge though. There is no respite. None today, none any day. The challenges are endless, and today is no different. The only thing that differs is my energy in dealing with them and today energy has all but evaded me.

  One of the girls from the office has made us each a miniature, very cool looking and incredibly thoughtful, ornament type thing as a token of memorabilia from our trip.

  She looks at us apologetically and as she hands them out says, 'I hope you guys don't think it's too daggy or like tourist tat, I was just feeling creative and thought it might be a nice idea.'

  It doesn't match either description, it is genuinely beautiful, and I would happily place it in my home as a beautiful reminder of this trip.

  If that were at all possible. Which it isn't.

  It's small enough to fit in my bag but there is of course no way I can put it in there. I can't have this unknown object coming into contact with my other possessions.

  I can't reject it and give it back to her as that would be one step too far on the rudeness scale. So, I carry it in the most awkward unnatural way instead. A way that allows minimal contact with my skin. A way that makes me undoubtedly look weird.

  I couldn't think of any better option, so I just have to hope that no one notices. They likely will notice but I have to take that risk as I simply can't seem to allow myself to hold this object in a normal way.

  Is this another test? Please can we stop with the testing. It's too much today. Way too much. I need out of this test right now.

  You shouldn't have even accepted the gift. Goodness knows what you are exposing yourself to! You need to get rid of it as soon as possible. Then afterwards you must spend hours considering how careless you've been as penance.

  On the ferry back Sally instructs us all our plans for the following day. I don't pay too much attention, partly because I have very little available attention to give, but also because I know I won't be participating.

  It's too much in this moment to think up a plausible excuse and voice it to her. I know I can't face that confrontation right now. I need to get my brain to sleep as fast as possible and not engage in any further upset beyond what it has already been subjected to. So, I stay quiet simply gazing out to sea.

  As soon as we reach the hotel, I make no attempt at prolonging things any further and quickly say my goodbyes before heading straight up to my room.

  The first thing I do on entering is throw the beautiful gift in the bin. Then wash my hands. Then wash my hands again. Then wash my hands again. And again.

  Chapter 25

  The next morning, I wake knowing my first task is to get the excuse out of the way. It is of course Sally I should be letting know directly since it's her plans I'm excusing myself from, but hearing her response doesn't feel like something I can feasibly cope with at all right now. I need to take the easier way.

  It doesn't even feel like a choice, it's the only way that presents itself to me. Hearing Sally's anger or disappointment or indifference could possibly tip the balance of my precariously held together emotional state, so I instinctively know I can't have contact with her right now.

  I message Ed instead.

  I'm not feeling so great, think I need to just hang at the
hotel today sorry.

  Oh no, I wondered if maybe you weren't doing so good. I was a bit worried about you yesterday. I can hang back too if you want some company?

  That's sweet of you to offer thanks, but think I just need to sleep. I'll be ok on my own – can you let the others know?

  Ok, if you're sure. I'll check in with you later – call me if you start feeling worse. Or if you change your mind about company.

  I'm grateful he doesn't push it any further.

  I do sleep a little, but I largely spend the day reading and pottering. I just know I need this space to be by myself. Things will get worse if I don't do it so I'm being sensible really.

  I convince myself my absence is simply best all round. The others won't even notice I'm not there. If I had somehow managed to force myself to go, they almost certainly would notice I was there as it likely wouldn't be pretty.

  There is no break from my brain. But I can limit the level of challenge I have to face in some small degree. In order to do that I need to be myself and choose only activities I'm happy attempting. I know I can stop the activity at any moment and not have to come up with an excuse or feel bad for ruining someone else's time.

  So, it might still be a rough day but likely far less so than if I force myself to keep going with being around other people.

  I decide to go for a walk in the Botanical Gardens in the afternoon. I persuade myself to venture outside for this as it's not too far from the hotel and if it's too busy I will just come straight back again. Being around nature sometimes helps when I'm floundering in this state, so I opt to give it a go.

  It transpires to be quite a large space with thankfully not all that many people around, so nature ends up being somewhat successful in its calming effect. I find myself in moments managing to daydream instead of anxiety dream.

  I could easily use the time to ruminate over the events of the day before. Beat myself up over how I struggled so badly at what would be considered a preposterous thing to struggle with by most.

  I am experienced enough now to know that this leads nowhere good. I would be lying if I thought I could escape doing it altogether, it is impossible to barrier out my negative thoughts completely. But whereas a while back I would spend the whole day in this destructive thought pattern, I have now reached a point where I know my survival is so delicately balanced that I need to take extreme care if there is to be any hope of continuing.

  So, I allow nature to take over some thoughts and try and attempt some repair. It will only be temporary repair I know, but any kind of repair, even if only short, is of extreme importance.

  After a little while of walking I hear my phone buzz with a message. It's Ed.

  How are you doing? We're heading back to the hotel soon – hoping you can join us for dinner? Chilled one I promise.

  I don't really want to join them for dinner. Ideally, I would spend the whole day by myself, but I don't want Ed to worry. He has no doubt spent the day worrying about me, so I don't want to impact his enjoyment of the evening as well.

  I'm doing better thanks. Yes, I'll meet you for dinner.

  I'll try anyway.

  When the time comes to meet them, I make my way down to the hotel foyer but stop short when I overhear recognisable voices arguing around the corner, just out of sight.

  'She does this all the time though. She can't even be bothered to let me know directly and just swans off doing whatever the hell she wants to do.' I hear Sally say.

  'It's not like that, she was genuinely not feeling well. I'm sure she was sad to be missing out.' Ed replies.

  'You know that's rubbish, I'm sure she felt perfectly fine. She just didn't fancy what I'd organised, and heaven forbid she participate in something she doesn't want to do for the sake of making her friends happy.'

  'She's participated in loads of stuff you've organised, just let this go.'

  'Why should I? She seems to get this free pass from all of us for bailing on loads of activities that are important to us and I'm fed up with it.'

  'Sally. Seriously, you need to drop this.'

  There is a pause where I could take a good guess at the look on Sally's face before she replies, 'Fine. I know I'm wasting my time saying it to you anyway. Nothing can tarnish your view of precious Amy, right?' she remarks cuttingly before I hear her walking off.

  I stand frozen to the spot, taking in their words.

  Then realise there's more.

  'She's saying it harshly but she's not entirely wrong Ed.' It's Nathan's voice. 'Don't get me wrong, I love the girl to bits, but she does bail on a lot of things – work drinks, birthdays, even Sal's fricking wedding. You can't blame Sal for being a bit annoyed.'

  'Yeh I know ok, I just also know it's not as straightforward as Sally is making out.'

  'No, I imagine it's probably not, but we're still allowed to feel pissed off about it.'

  You most certainly are Nathan. I wish so much you could all know and understand. I wish you could realise the magnitude in difference between the thought that I just can't be bothered and the actual truth of the matter.

  I need to stop listening to this. I wander back down the corridor I came from. No, I'm not going to bail on the evening. I'm just going to walk the long way around so I can compose myself before joining them and pretend I haven't just heard their conversation.

  Sally's words were indeed harsh to hear but I really can't blame her. If one of my supposed friends was continually letting me down, not showing up, offering no substantial reason, I'm sure I would naturally feel the same disappointment and frustration.

  I hate that it makes me behave this way. And I hate that Sally has to experience this behaviour and read it as is presented to her. I can't explain it to her, so this is just how things have to be.

  I have to accept this and not let it pull me under as it so easily could. I know I have to do this but actually doing it is not all that easy.

  Hopefully dinner will distract me. For a short time at least.

  When I eventually reach the foyer the smile on Ed's face makes me feel instantly better. I don't know why he doesn't seem to get as annoyed with me as everyone else does. I'm not going to spend too long questioning it; I hope it never changes. I'm so incredibly grateful for his patience with me.

  Sally barely even registers my attendance at dinner. Ed strategically guided us to the opposite end of the table when we arrived at the restaurant, so Sally and I are kept well separated.

  I can only hope that some distance and space will help our relationship, but I know I've just added another crack to an almost broken vase.

  'Missed you today.' Ed says after we are seated.

  I smile. 'What did you all get up to?'

  'Ah, nothing too exciting really. You didn't miss much.'

  Don't do that Ed. Don't play it down. I want to hear how much you all enjoyed yourselves. I deserve to miss out on a good day when I've let everyone down. Don't treat me any other way.

  I try and transmit this to him telepathically then add in words, 'Well, I'm sure you're not being entirely honest with me there.'

  He smiles but won't follow my path. 'The Sydney guys are great to work with aren't they. They have some really awesome ideas. I think this project is going to be a lot of fun.'

  Ok fine.

  'Yeh, I think so too.'

  We continue on discussing the project in more detail and it feels like it's going to be a nice night.

  As long as I keep away from Sally.

  Chapter 26

  The following week passes in much the same way as the first one. I am more familiar with my surroundings so that eases things a little for me. The amount it eases is entirely marginal, but any amount is welcome, so I am still very grateful.

  One day Ed and I finish up quite early so decide to take ourselves off to visit the Museum of Contemporary Art.

  It's located near Circular Quay where all the ferries arrive and depart from. We stop and watch them for a while.

  'For some
people here, that's their daily commute you know. Getting a ferry to work.' Ed says.

  'Would be a good way to start the workday. And a good way to end it too.'

  'Yeh, wouldn't it? No overcrowded stuffy space on a bus or tube to have to endure, you'd be so much more relaxed.'

  I probably wouldn't be all that much more relaxed, but I can concede for most people this would be the case.

  'Where did you live and work when you were here?'

  'I lived in a place called Paddington which is near Surry Hills. My work was all pretty central, so I just walked everywhere.'

  I wish I could walk to work. It would make my life so much easier. My daily bus challenge is one I would desperately love to say goodbye to.

  He continues, 'We should have a wander round there if we get the time, I think you'd like it. Has a sort of Notting Hill vibe.'

  'I'm not sure we will get the time. It's going so fast.'

  'I know, I wish we had longer. And that we weren't working every day. We should have extended the trip to have extra holiday time.'

  'Maybe there will be more trips and we can do that next time.'

  He smiles, 'Hope so. You like the place then?'

  'I do yes. Very much.'

  We start walking on to the museum. It's not a big place but Ed and I can lose many hours to art exhibitions of any size.

  We stand in front of one particular piece and amuse ourselves with stories for how each part could be interpreted. It appears to be made up of lots of different roads or paths.

  'I think it's reflecting the artist's frustration at having lost something.' Ed suggests after we've covered a few lighter options.

  'Could be. Could be that he's lost his way and these paths are all uncertainties. He can't decide which to take.'

  'Yeh, and he's frustrated and scared that he'll choose wrong.'

  'All the paths look pretty similar though. So how can he choose?'

  'He just has to commit to picking one and hope for the best, I guess. Like in life, sometimes you just have to take a risk and make a decision without really knowing the outcome.'