Amy, you are scaring me. Can I come over?
I'm not at home.
Where are you?
Sitting on a bench in the park next to where I live.
Do not move. I am leaving now, will be there as soon as I can.
He did just that. It wasn't long before I felt him at my side, and he sat with me on that bench for hours. Dark words and thoughts kept pouring out of my mouth. I'm sure a lot of it made no sense to him, he was no doubt confused as to why I felt such immense sadness. I still couldn't explain anything in understandable detail. But he listened to it all simply letting me talk.
I could feel his incredible pain at hearing what I was saying, yet he did not once try to cut me off with dismissive words such as 'you'll be fine'. Instead he accepted the pain he was feeling and allowed it to continue with my ongoing melancholic words. Almost as if he was trying to draw the pain away from me and into him instead.
He said some really beautiful things to me that day and somehow eventually convinced me that I might actually be able to cope with being alive. For a little while longer anyway.
Understandably this left him a little affected; my fragility now etched into his awareness. He has kept a close eye on me ever since.
Keeping his gaze firmly on the harbour, he continues on, 'You've been amazing on this trip for the most part and I cannot tell you how happy that makes me to see. I just know it's not always like that and I get a bit crushed when I see you struggle.
We talk about a lot but not everything and I just need you to know that you can talk to me about that other stuff too. Any time day or night ok? If you need someone I will always be there. But I suspect it's maybe not me you need to talk to about the other stuff. I can listen of course and try and understand, but I don't think I'd be equipped to properly help. And I wouldn't want to mess it up. So, will you promise me you'll talk to someone who is equipped to properly help?
Because I worry about you a lot. I know I'm probably not meant to talk about it. But I don't want to spend our lives ignoring it and watching you get worse and then one day finding myself with horrific regret at not saying anything.'
These are a lot of words. I'm silent for a little while, contemplating them.
I'm not sure exactly why I've never tried to talk properly to Ed about everything. Maybe it's because I love our friendship and I don't want him to think any differently of me. I don't want him to think I'm too crazy to have as a friend. Or maybe it's because it's just so incredibly hard to explain. Or because I don't want to risk him ever calling some professional to cart me off to some kind of daunting facility.
It's probably all of the above.
I'm not really sure how to respond. I sometimes feel like there are words collecting waiting to be given to Ed. To attempt to let him in. Could he be someone I could talk to about this? But something always stops me. I always come to the conclusion that letting him in would result in letting him go.
Despite his kind words, I don't think he'd want to stay. He'd come in, have a look around, and decide 'ok, this kind of crazy is not for me, I'm going to get going now.' It feels like too big a risk, so I push the words away.
We sit admiring and absorbing the sight and sound of the ocean waves for a little while. We're sat as close as two people can get to each other without physically touching. I can actually feel the love of our friendship floating in the air around us. It's such an important relationship to me, more than Ed likely realises.
I know it's my turn to speak but I'm struggling to choose how best to respond.
I desperately want to say, 'I'm absolutely fine and don't need any help.' to reassure him but I know it would just be insulting to say since it's so clearly a lie.
Instead I utter the somewhat small insufficient response of 'I'm sorry I cause you so much worry.'
It's not enough. He deserves a better answer, but I can't seem to find one.
It's a little while more before Ed speaks again.
'Sometimes…' he pauses and makes a big sigh before going on, 'Sometimes, I wonder if Ebony is right to have cause for concern.'
I freeze.
'I mean, I really love her, I am certain of that. Our marriage is a happy one. But sometimes I think I feel these things… things for you that confuse me.'
Don't do this Ed. There is nowhere good for his words to lead so I know have to stop him continuing.
In some warped, messed up way though I find myself wanting to hear them.
He carries on, 'I love you as a friend, you know that. But sometimes I find myself thinking it's more than that. Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about you. About things you've said that make me laugh. About things you've done that surprise me in the most wonderful way. About things that appear on your face in the most beautiful expressions. And I can't stop. I can't stop going over and over in my mind those things about you.'
'Ed, please stop saying these things.' Sense has finally pushed words out my mouth.
'I know, I know, it's wrong. I'm sorry. I should not be thinking these things and I certainly should not be telling you. I don't know why I am. It just feels like I need to get it out – maybe voicing it will make it into less of a thing?'
'Less of a thing? Hmm. Not sure I follow your logic there. I would have gone for 'more of a thing' myself.'
We're both silent for a little while. Seemingly hoping the ocean will advise us on how to move forward if we stare at it long enough.
'I need us to stay the way we are Ed.' I eventually break the silence. 'I love our friendship so much and that is partly due to the fact it feels safe. You are married, and I am in no way available, so any wonder of it developing into something more has never been an option to consider. Because of that we're allowed to just focus on being great friends to each other.'
I pause before continuing, 'I felt sure that's what it meant anyway. So, if you think you've gone and found a way to invite that option then I'm going to need you to lose it again. Because I can't not have us in my life.'
He turns to look at me and even though I know it might be wiser to keep my view on the ocean, I turn to look at him too. Sadness is in his eyes. Deep resigned sadness.
He is struggling to know how to answer. I feel his struggle. It's etched around us.
He eventually arrives at some words. 'I don't know if it will be so easy to lose.'
The words hang in the air between us before he adds, 'But I do know that you will always have me ok? As a friend. Our friendship is staying. So, don't worry about that ok?'
I nod slowly, 'Ok'.
I'm not sure it is ok. Not now.
We stay stuck in this moment for a long time. We can't seem to break free from each other's gaze.
'Shit Amy, I wish so much I could hug you at least.'
I desperately wish this too. But maybe in this instance, the fact I can't hug is stepping in and saving us. It still feels cruel though. So much about my world feels cruel.
This is too much. Tears are forming. I know I need to burst this bubble but it's not easy to leave. I slowly get up. 'Come on, we better head back whilst there's still some time left to sleep.'
He's still staring at me, so I turn my gaze to the ocean and wait until he's ready to leave the crumpled bubble too.
Eventually I feel him at my side, and we walk the whole way back in sadness filled silence.
When we reach the hotel, Ed walks me to my room and waits until I've unlocked the door before saying his goodbyes. 'This won't change us Amy, ok? I promise.'
Ed shouldn't make promises either.
I respond in as much a smile as I can muster but it's very much not one of my best. I nod half-heartedly and reply with only, 'See you in the morning.' I close the door.
Now I'm alone, I can't stop them. Tears fall and fall and fall, and I know I have to let them. I won't be able to stop them, so any attempt is entirely futile.
I'm not in love with Ed. But our conversation has triggered something in me. My tears are filled with grief for l
ove my life can't experience.
Please please can you leave me alone? Do you realise how cruel it is to rob me of being allowed to be in love?
I'm not robbing you. You can be in love. You just can't do anything about it.
And that is better how? You might think you are saving me and protecting me, but you can't understand what those things mean.
No. It's you who doesn't understand. You're still alive, aren't you? Do you really think you would have managed that without me? I think not. You can thank me later when you've got over the dramatics. I'm here for your own good Amy. You need to accept I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not alive though. In body yes, but beyond that is questionable. You are keeping me alive to simply be an observer. What is the point in that other than cruelness?
My task is just to keep you alive. I don't care about the life I'm keeping you alive with.
Clearly.
I lay down and eventually sadness exhausts me into sleep but it's not long before my alarm is ringing to get me up again.
Chapter 30
I set my alarm ridiculously early because I can almost guarantee that packing and leaving my room is going to take a long time. Even longer given additional precarity added to my mental state from the previous evening.
I walk back and forth from the bathroom. Endlessly washing my hands after all the touching of items I'm packing. It's not offering its usual temporary relief feeling today though. A greater feeling is filling my body and it's not allowing many others. Certainly not any of a remotely pleasant nature.
When I eventually manage to exit the room, I am walking along the corridor and spot Nathan walking towards me. He is looking a little on the tired side. Despite no one being offensively drunk last night, I can't imagine many won't be suffering with a hangover this morning.
'Morning Ames. Jeez, you look as bad as I feel.'
I couldn't really do much to hide the extent of puffiness in my eyes so resigned myself to just accepting and ignoring it instead.
'Thanks. It was the look I was aiming for. You look as bad as you feel too.'
He smiles. 'Good. Now we've established we both look and feel like shit, I was just coming to see if you wanted a hand with your case?'
I suspect someone has instructed him to come and hurry me up more like, but it's still quite sweet he went with a kinder reason for coming to find me.
'That's kind thanks, but I'm good. It has these things called wheels so even someone with my minimal strength can cope.'
He laughs. 'I'm glad. Because I'm not even sure I have minimal strength today to wheel my own case. Last night was fun though wasn't it?'
'It was yes.' Until the last part.
We meet the others in the hotel foyer. I am of course the last one to appear but thankfully I haven't made us late for the flight. I'm not sure Sally would find that something she could quite forgive.
The mood gracing everyone is a subdued one. It's clear that everyone could have done with more sleep, less alcohol, and more willingness to leave this beautiful city.
I'm aware of Ed's presence on the journey to the airport but we don't have any spoken words or eye contact. I am sat next to Nathan and only speak to him when he asks questions, but even he is not all that up for engaging in much conversation.
We mostly all just stare out the taxi windows at Sydney streets, no doubt all feeling sad to be saying goodbye to them.
Ed was right, I really did love Sydney and I'm sad to be leaving. Sad for many reasons, but sad to be leaving this city is definitely one of them.
Chapter 31
Despite sitting next to each other, Ed and I barely speak for the first flight to Singapore. I think we both know the importance of the first real words we speak to each other and are struggling to find the right ones.
Plus, there is not much privacy in conversations on planes and neither of us wants an audience. It would seem people have apparently formed opinions about our friendship that are not the truth, so we do not want to risk perpetuating this.
We have a slightly longer stop in Singapore this time. It is nice to be off the plane for this break, however, I am starting to feel desperation in needing to be back home now. Whilst everyone is distracted with stretching and searching for the nearest toilets, Ed senses his good moment to guide me away without the others noticing our absence.
We walk for a little while before finding a quiet spot by a window looking out into the dark night. The airport has assumed a strange abandoned feeling given the time of day. There is only a fraction of the normal volume of people since it's only long-haul international flights causing any traffic at this time. Not much is really open, and it feels eerily deserted.
'I don't want us to get back without talking some more. I don't want weirdness between us to become a thing.' Ed starts.
'I don't want that either.' I pause before adding, 'I'm just not sure if something is maybe broken though.'
'I'm not sure either.'
I think for a little time before asking, 'Do I need to maybe stay away from you for a bit? I mean, we sit next to each other, so the only way that would really work is if one of us left and got a new job. But I can be the one to leave if you think that's what you need to happen?'
Please don't agree to this absurdity coming out my mouth. It's not that I care about finding another job. I love my job, but I'd find another one to love I'm sure. I just don't want to leave Ed.
'No of course I'm not asking you to find a new job! I would never do that.'
'I know you're not asking. I am suggesting. And letting you know that it's ok. I'm ok with doing it if you think it's what you need.'
'No. Absolutely not. No one is leaving their job, ok?'
'Ok.' I am relieved. I would have done it if he'd asked me to but I'm very glad he didn't. 'So, what then?'
'I don't know. I haven't really figured out any solution here beyond talking to you. Do you have any ideas that don't involve one of us finding a new job?'
I stare back to the night for a while, looking for inspiration.
'I could start behaving horribly to you? I could say mean things about your clothes, forget to buy you lunch when I've said I'll pick you up something, spread untrue embarrassing gossip about you round the office? That type of thing? Make you wonder what the hell you were thinking having feelings about me?'
He smiles. 'Horrible as those things sound… and really Amy, I think you could have come up with some better suggestions… I know you would be pretending so I'm not sure my brain would be tricked.'
'Hmm. Ok. No to the being horrible.'
'Next idea?'
I think for a while again, but this is hard.
'I really don't know Ed.'
'Well, this is proving to be really successful isn't it.'
'I'm trying to think but maybe it's better you come up with the idea. I will follow whatever you suggest, I promise.'
There I go again; it always seems to fall out my mouth. I wish the word promise could be erased from my vocabulary.
After some time thinking an idea seems to have popped into this head and he says, 'You know, there is actually one thing that might help.'
'Ok great, tell me.'
'Before I do and before you answer, let's just be clear – you promised me, so you have to at least try this yes?'
Oh shit, I am sensing I've got myself into trouble.
I smile and stare out the window a little more, hoping he might show mercy on me and allow me to renege on my promise.
'Please.' He says to bring me back to his gaze.
'Ok fine. I will try. What is it?'
I close my eyes and feign being scared and he laughs. 'It's a good thing and even though I'm pretty sure you won't appreciate that at first, you will in time.'
'Just get on with it and tell me.'
'You have to go on a date with Ben.'
Oh.
I open my eyes and all joking about has left my presence.
'I'm not doing that.'
'Hear me out. If I know you are happily dating someone it will make me happy to see. I won't spend so much time worrying about you and, therefore, won't spend so much time thinking about you. In theory. Plus, if I know you are in a relationship, then that should signal to my brain that it's not appropriate to think of you in any other way than as a friend. Again, in theory.'
I'm silent as I grasp for an argument to counter his theories.
'Please Amy, you did promise you'd try at least. Just go on one date. Don't think beyond that. That's all I will make the promise commit to ok? One date and if you really do hate it then you don't have to go on another.'
I still can't find suitable words.
'I know it will be hard. I don't know all the detail sure, but I know this isn't going to be an easy thing for you. If you try though, if you attempt this then hopefully it will end up being a really good thing for you too?'
I can't really see any way this is going to be a good thing for me. I can almost guarantee it will be a very bad thing for me. But I can see how desperately he wants this. I want more than anything to keep our friendship, so I finally respond with simply 'Ok.'
He looks delighted and completely surprised, 'Thank you. I will make a promise to you too - my promise is that this is going to be a good thing.'
Ed needs to erase the word promise from his vocabulary too.
Chapter 32
A few days after we are back home and back at work, I am in the coffee shop across the road from the office when I spot Ben sitting at a table in the corner.
I have seen him a couple of times since I've been back but have successfully managed to evade actually speaking to him. I know this is bad. I always quite liked our random chats bumping into each other in and around the office, but now they feel like something that should be avoided at all cost.
I almost make it out of the door with my take-away drink when I hear his voice.
'Amy, hey! Come join me?'
'Oh, hi!' I wander over but make no moves to sit down.
The Existence of Amy Page 10