“Used to. Me and my Navy buddy Sprig. He passed away last month and took half the band with him.”
“Oh, sorry. A big part of my band died recently. I know how it feels.” The warm water from the sink made me want to slow down and feel. “Mack,” I whispered. Just another guy who lied and controlled me.
“Can you play guitar?” he asked, wiping the sweat from his forehead with his apron.
“Yeah.”
“Well you and I should give it a go. Can you sing?”
“I think our music is a little different. It probably wouldn’t work.” I smiled. He was cute, thinking that we could form a band.
“Music’s music,” he exclaimed. “What do ya think, that just because you’re young you’re the only one that can play your music? Or, maybe just because I’m old, you can’t sing mine? You didn’t invent music puppy.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sunny. My name is Sunny.”
“Yes, yes I know puppy. Your name is Sunny, and you think you’re too cool to play with an old buzzard like me. You just might learn a thing or two.”
“Well it’s not like I can leave the ranch and do whatever I want you know. The rules?”
Jerry smiled and then laughed the grandest laugh I’d ever heard. He winked at me, as if he knew something I didn’t. That wasn’t hard to accomplish these days. Just about everyone I ran into knew more than me about everything. It felt like I was walking in a constant cloud, two or three steps behind everyone else.
When the dishes were done, Jerry and I got to sit down and eat, and boy could he eat. I picked at my food while he wolfed. When he was done, he went back for more.
“I thought you were blind when they brought you back to the dishwasher. What’s with the sunglasses puppy?”
His nickname for me wasn’t going to go away. At least three times I reminded him that I had a name, and he didn’t seem to care. What difference did it make? “I was in an accident. A car accident.”
“So did you hurt your eyes?” he questioned, scratching his head, and then shoving half a roll in his mouth at one time.
“No, my head. My eyes hurt. So I wear the glasses.”
“Were you escaping from the police when you crashed? Steal the car did ya?”
“No! Absolutely not.”
“Well it don’t matter. Sprig was a criminal too. Back in fifty five, he had a run in with the law. It was the only time he got caught.”
I didn’t ask. Just like the rest of it, it didn’t matter. Why would I care what some dead old guitar player did before my own mother was born? Sitting there with Jerry made me a little jealous of the other girls, who were serving cake now. They got to see the reception and the bride. I got to sweat and hang out with Jerry. Oh, and the opportunities there were boundless, with the offer to be the other half of his band.
Bobby came in and sat next to Jerry. He patted the old guy on the shoulder and said, “It’s all set up. She’s all yours tonight.”
The two of them smiled at me, making me realize that I was the ‘she’ he was talking about.
“What do you mean, she’s all yours tonight?” I asked Bobby.
“Jerry told me you were interested in playing with him in his band tonight, but that you couldn’t because you were confined to the ranch. So, I talked it over with Miss Day and she agreed it was for a good cause.”
“What?!”
“That’s great puppy. You and me on the road. Imagine that.” Jerry was so excited, and the truth was I did make up a sort of excuse when he asked me to play in his band. Yes, I did blame the ranch. Now I was in his band.
“I can’t tonight. I have a riding lesson with Clay,” I said, happily.
“This is way more important Sunny. Playing for our injured soldiers is honorable.”
Why did he have to bring injured soldiers into it? Only an absolute jerk would turn their back on a hero. I was a jerk. I wanted out of it. “I don’t have a guitar,” I said as an excuse.
“I have Sprig’s old guitar. It’s a classic.”
“Oh, that’s … uh, great. But I’m really rusty.”
“Are you getting stage fright puppy?”
I shook my head up and down, to admit that I was nervous. What if I cracked under the pressure? And in front of the soldiers. My guitars at home gathered dust for a living since Mack left us. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I could do it.
“I’m a sweaty mess Jerry,” I excused again.
“There’s some extra t-shirts in the van. When you’re finished here, you can freshen up in the bathroom and change shirts.”
“Yeah, great. Thanks.”
Once again the girls at the ranch were witness to me be carted off by one of the two hunks in our world. It’s a painful experience for someone who just wanted to be invisible for whatever my sentence was. I could hardly wait to see what was in store for me later, when we got home.
Jerry carried his dulcimer in and I carried Sprig’s beat up guitar case. The building was a sort of rehab hospital, just for the veterans. It had that medicine smell to it that turned my stomach a little. We were greeted by people who obviously knew Jerry really well. Before they ushered us down the hall, I pulled Bobby aside and whispered, “Can I talk to you for a minute first?”
“Sure. Jerry, hey Jerry. Why don’t you visit a while? We’ll catch up to you in a minute.”
Jerry didn’t seem to mind the delay. As a matter of fact, he seemed to be in his element. Bobby and I stepped back outside.
“What’s up?”
“How do I say this?” I said aloud. “Crap. Frick.” My hand was sweaty from holding that old guitar case. I put it down, and wiped my hands on my jeans. “This is terrible.”
“What’s terrible Sunny? You do play the guitar don’t you? Please tell me you didn’t lie to Jerry. He’s really excited.”
“I wish that was the problem. Frick, Frick and Frick. I don’t think I can do this.” No, I was pretty sure I couldn’t do it. “I haven’t played since… well since for a long time.”
“Okay, so you go in there and give it your best. That’s all you can do.” Bobby made it sound easy, and normally it would have been easy. It was what I do, go out there and blow the audience away. Looking into Bobby’s soothing eyes didn’t help at all.
“It’s just a trauma point for me. I haven’t played since my friend Mack…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Yes… what did Mack do?”
He looked so concerned, that I believed he really wanted to know. But he was part of the hormone flaring twosome and the firing squad at the same time. I picked up the guitar case and hugged it to me, trying to find the words.
“My friend Mack and I had a band. We wrote songs together and well it was all bigger than just friends.”
“A boyfriend?”
“No! Not a boyfriend. More than that.”
“Okay Sunny, I’m trying to understand. What’s more than a boyfriend? Your fiancé? Are you trying to tell me that you’re engaged or something? What does that have to do with playing the guitar? Come on Sunny, think. Reality.”
“Shut up. For just a moment, will you just be quiet and listen?” My voice was calmer than my insides. I wanted to scream. “I’m trying to tell you that I haven’t played any music since my… my sweet boy, Mack… he died. Oh frick, I don’t think I can do this.”
Bobby took the guitar case from my arms and put it down on the ground. His hand cupped the side of my face and wiped the tear that came out from under Rick’s sunglasses, with his thumb. “I’m so sorry Sunny. How long?”
“Not long,” I whispered. “You see, that’s when my life changed and I became the girl that stays in places like the ranch. Mack… he ruined me when he left me.”
“No, that isn’t true. It can’t be true.”
“It’s true. I’ve turned into someone, or something who can do horrible things. I don’t think I’m stable, and if I try and play for those people in there… well what if I crack?”
First of all, it was so not like me to ha
ve diarrhea of the mouth, especially about my own emotions. Ask my therapists. And I didn’t intend on saying so much, but just to get the message across that I didn’t want to freak or something. I wanted to damn whatever possessed me to open up like I did, but it was too late. I felt like I had invited the undertaker to the hospital to witness my surgery, and it felt like my faith had died. Faith in anything, but especially in myself.
“It just feels like it’s true Sunny, but it’s not. How did Mack die?”
“I’d rather not say,” I winced. “It doesn’t matter. He’s gone.”
“It does matter. Everything about life and death matters. That’s why we’re here, because it all matters. You can’t be ruined by another person unless you surrender your spirit, and that’s a choice. Do you know what I mean?” he asked softly.
I was so grateful that he didn’t try and take me in his arms for a sympathy hug or something. I knew what he meant, because I was guilty of just that. The problem was that I didn’t know exactly how I had surrendered my spirit to Mack. He lied to me and I was stupid.
“Listen Sunny. You aren’t ruined. I swear to you that you aren’t ruined. Everything about you is still there, only a little confused, and bruised.”
“I can’t do this.”
“Did you ever play music without Mack?” he asked.
It took me a minute to realize that I had. In my classical training, I played with my teachers and even an orchestra. It wasn’t like I was playing our songs.
“Yes, I did. I guess so.”
“Well this is just one of those times. You’re playing with Jerry. It has nothing to do with Mack, so there’s no reason for you to crack. What, are you planning to give up music all together? You have to go on. You have to separate the truth from what the past wants you to feel. Sunny you can do this. Your life depends on you figuring this stuff out. The truth Sun.”
When he called me ‘Sun,’ my heart jumped a little. I took a deep breath. This wasn’t how I wanted my first performance to go. Somehow I envisioned a more dramatic comeback. In some sick fantasy deep in my head, I figured my fans wouldn’t be able to live without my music and I would reluctantly go back. Or maybe I would never touch an instrument again, and be known as the broken musician.
My hands pushed through my curls a couple of times before I picked up the guitar case and headed to the doors again. Bobby opened the door for me and walked me down the hall with his hand on my shoulder.
Chapter Twenty
Shooting Star
And with the spotlight shining in your eyes
It’s sometimes hard to find your way
But maybe some night you might
Think of me, shooting star
(Elton John’s, Single Man)
It wasn’t hard to follow Jerry’s lead as he played his dulcimer. Our chords were simple, but the haunting sound of the dulcimer made the music sound deep and complicated. Our audience didn’t care that we weren’t playing from the top ten, or from their normal selection of music. They were captive, not because of their wheelchairs and injuries, but because the music was all we had to give them. And man, did Jerry give his all.
Black, black, black is the color of my true love’s hair
Her hands are strong her skin is fair…
Jerry’s tenor voice pierced everyone’s heart, including mine with his love for the song he was singing. The old guy was right. He did have something to teach me about music. Oh, he raved about my accompaniment but the truth was he was the master.
Our audience of wounded soldiers couldn’t have been more gracious, the way they received us. And in their presence, I felt so humbled. I’ll bet we played every song Jerry knew. The last song, he asked me to sing.
“You know Amazing Grace, don’t you?”
I sang it like I meant it. I sang it like I wanted it to absorb into me. Some of those strong soldiers couldn’t hold a tear or two back, and I choked on a tear or two myself.
When it was over, an hour and a half had passed somehow. The soldiers clapped and thanked us, and then something really strange happened. One of the guys grabbed my hand as I was leaving and said, “Don’t forget about us. Please come back for us.”
It was so startling I couldn’t answer. Bobby shuffled me out of the room. If he hadn’t, Jerry would have kept us there all night. Those were his guys, no matter how young they were.
“You done good puppy,” he said, when we got in the van. “Your Amazing Grace was the bomb.”
“The bomb?” I laughed.
“Yeah, the guys have been teaching me their lingo.”
“You were a rock star Jerry.”
We dropped the old guy and his instrument back at the banquet center. He looked tired as he waddled off to his antique truck. It made me wish I didn’t have to go back to the ranch. Bobby waited till we were out on the road again, to comment on my performance. He may have helped earlier, but I had regrets about sharing my feelings.
“You were great Sunny. Looks like you can do anything, even if… “
“Please don’t. You really aren’t about to ruin a moment with therapy are you? I mean I heard that you were into therapy.”
“I was trying to make conversation. Eventually I would have told you how talented I think you are.”
I shrugged my shoulders, to close the conversation, but he wouldn’t let it go. “There isn’t anything wrong with therapy, but I don’t have anything to do with that at the ranch. Who told you that I do? Clay?”
“What’s the beef between you two anyway? It’s obvious you don’t get along.” I adjusted my sunglasses, while his colors seemed to flair at the sound of Clay’s name. The response I expected didn’t come. He said something completely different. Maybe I wanted him to say that he hated Clay.
“As long as the rules are followed, I don’t have a problem with Clay,” he said very confidently. “We do disagree a lot, especially about you.”
“Me?” as if I didn’t know. “What do you disagree about when it comes to me?”
“We’re gonna take a little detour,” he said. “I want to show you something.”
How could I protest? He was driving and in charge. Anyway, I thought what he had to show me was going to have to do with me, and whatever he and Clay disagreed about. When I saw the lookout point, I got suspicious and nervous. This was exactly why female charges shouldn’t be left alone with male guards. That’s what he was.
When he put the van in park, I looked around nervously. “This is it,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Come on out and take a look. It’s the most beautiful sight in these parts. You should see the sun set from here.” He got out of the truck and motioned for me to follow.
“I’m fine,” I answered with a squeak. “I can see from here.”
“Suit yourself. This is the place to get your thoughts straight if you need to,” he said, through the window of the van. “No one needs therapy when their thoughts are straight.”
“Some people can’t get their thoughts straight,” I replied, before he started to pull away from the van. Bobby leaned back in. “Come on out and see what it’s all about.”
Maybe I was crazy to get out of the van and sit under the stars with this guy all alone. But I did it anyway. Everything about him was calling me to see what he loved about that place. It was hard not to think about our moment in the stinky hog barn, when we almost kissed. My heart was thumping out my anxiety against my chest, and my knees felt a little shaky.
“Isn’t it beautiful Sunny?”
I nodded my head to answer, because honestly, I hadn’t gotten to taking in the scenery. His colors were speaking to me. The pink around his heart had grown, and if I understood the emotions, they were for me. Bobby more than cared. I believed he cared about everyone, even though something had changed in his feelings for me.
“I’ll have to take you here to see the sunrise some morning and then again to see the sunset. This is the kind of place that reminds a person who they are inside. Can you feel it S
unny?”
He wanted me to see something, so I looked out at the vast sky, all full of twinkling stars set against the blackest background. Down below were sparse spatters of lights from the different ranches in the vast countryside. “Where’s the ranch?” I asked.
Bobby pointed out the ranch. In the dark, it was easy to see how vast the property was. With just a couple clusters of light, and then the darkness went on for miles. “It’s beautiful, but look at the heavens compared to the earth. Now that’s where the real beauty can be found. It’s so much bigger than the earth, but for some reason we forget the heavens are out there. Our bodies are so tied to this rock we stand on, that we can’t see past it to a very real and important place.”
His eyes were fixed on the stars and the peace in his face made me jealous. I wanted that peace. “I miss my river,” I said. “That’s where I go to unload my burdens.”
“Water’s a good place for that.”
“I used to spend hours on the river. My best songs were written there.”
“You were great tonight, and you really made Jerry’s night. He misses his friend.”
“I guess it was kind of amazing, playing his songs and those guys, the soldiers. Wow.”
“It means so much to them, when people take the time to even realize they are there and in need. They’ve given so much.”
“They’re easy to please, if they liked that act,” I said. It was embarrassing that I had hardly given the soldiers a second thought before that night. Of course I was grateful for what they do, but I just never really thought about them. Like Bobby said, I was so completely tied to my little world.
“Hey, you didn’t answer my question. What do you and Clay disagree with when it comes to me?”
“Did I say that? Hmm. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“No, let’s not. You said it, so explain it. I’m sick of being left in the dark.”
Bobby adjusted himself against the van. He was uncomfortable now. I could tell. “Let’s drop it,” he said again.
“Of course. Let’s just drop it because I’m the only one who wants to talk about it. The whole world wants me to spill my guts about everything that rips me apart, but when I want to know something I’m told to drop it, or it’s against the damn rules. You know what? I want to see a lawyer. If you don’t let me call my mother, I want a lawyer.” I was so furious, I was out of breath. My eyes starred him down to let him know I was serious. Dead serious. Of all things, Bobby looked hurt.
Dead, Sweet Boy (Book One - Dead, Sweet Series) Page 20