“I’m trying to help you. Right here and now, I’m trying to let you know what you have to do.”
“Are you refusing to let me call a lawyer?”
He stood straight, and away from the van. “A lawyer can’t help you Sunny. We’re past lawyers and rights,” he said, putting his head down. “Hopefully, you’ll see that soon. Time is running out for you. I want you to make it.”
Something about his words struck my heart. My head started to throb and I got really weak, falling to my knees, and reaching up to him for help. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“Hang on Sunny,” he whispered in my ear as he lifted me effortlessly, and put me back in the Van. The weaker I got, the harder it was to breathe. I heard a wicked chatter of laughter surround me like it might consume me. Bobby reached over and put his hand on my head. I felt the light from his body surround me and drown out the evil laughter. I grabbed his hand and held it close to my heart.
“Don’t leave me,” I whispered. “I’m frightened.”
“You’re under my protection. I won’t leave you.”
The attack I was having was so severe I was sure he would take me to the hospital. When we pulled onto the lane for the ranch, my hope for surviving faded. “Why didn’t you take me to the hospital?” I cried.
He jumped from the van, and started arguing with another voice. It was Clay’s. “What have you done?” he yelled at Bobby.
“Get her to the room off the kitchen,” Miss Day ordered. “This may be it. We don’t want the girls to witness this. They had such hope.”
“NO!” Clay yelled. “I command you to save her. I won’t lose her.”
Bobby pushed past him to remove me from the van. I tried to fight him, but I couldn’t. My hands reached out for Clay. It sounded like he wanted to take me to the hospital.
“She wants me!” Clay yelled. “Give her to me.”
“Stand back! She’s under my protection now.”
“Are you thinking of breaking the rules?” Clay’s voice changed. He switched from angry to almost delightfully curious, making my head spin.
Bobby and Miss Day took me to the room off the kitchen. My shoes were removed and my jeans unbuttoned. Someone put the blankets over my shaking body and Miss day tried to get me to take a handful of those pills. I may have been out of my head with disorientation, but that amount of any kind of pill would be suicide. “I won’t do it. I won’t go the way he did it.” I knocked the pills from Miss Day’s hands. Clay’s laughter was in the background.
“Get out!” Bobby demanded. “She asked me to protect her.”
“Don’t get a boner yet Romeo. Her request wasn’t clear enough and you know it.”
My vision kept coming and going, as if the lights were being turned on and off. I saw Bobby get down on his knees and pray. All I could think of was that my father had me sent to some religious cult ranch without knowing it. A place where they don’t take people to the hospital.
Over and over, I told myself to hang on. If I gave in to this attack, I felt like I might die. In one of my moments of sight, I saw the light around Bobby swirl and change shape. Before I blacked out, I thought I saw wings. And then, there was nothing. No death and no life. Nothing.
When I woke, I felt Lucy at the foot of the bed and realized I missed her. She wasn’t around for the adventure I had been through.
“You’re up? Well good morning sleepy head,” Miss Day said, a little too loudly.
“What happened? How long have I been asleep?” I sat up, while I recalled everything that had happened.
“I think a two day nap is enough for a growing girl like you. Get up now, and get washed up. I’ll save some breakfast for you.”
“Get up?”
“Yes, get up. The day is wasting and there’s work to be done. Time is ticking away.”
“Work?”
“Yes Sunny. Everyone has to pull their weight around here. I’m not about to let you slack when you have choices to make.”
If that made any sense at all, I didn’t know how. Something awful had happened to me, and I was sure I almost died. Now she pops into the room with a cheery voice and wants me to get up and work.
“Why not?” I said to Lucy, giving her a pat on the head. “Let’s go girl. We have work to do. Not like there’s anything wrong with me, or anyone should care. And most definitely, not like I should go to see a doctor. God forbid.”
“Now you’re being dramatic Sunny,” Miss Day said with a stern voice, as she slipped out the door.
In the bathroom was a neat pile of clean clothes. They expected me to wake up. I was expected to make it. They sure could have fooled me with the way they argued over it that night. My head still hurt while I tried to remember how it all went down. The lines between what I really remembered, and what could have possibly been a hallucination, weren’t very clear.
In the shower I cried. It didn’t matter to me that I got my wound wet, because it wouldn’t matter to anyone else. When dressed, I didn’t bother replacing the gauze I removed, and went out to get the breakfast that was left on the table for me. My thirst was incurable. After finishing the orange juice first, I went to the sink and drank as much water as my stomach would allow.
Bobby entered the back door to find my mouth almost attached to the faucet. “Do you want a glass?” he asked.
Removing my head from the sink, I wiped my mouth with my forearm and went back to my plate. He followed, asking me how I felt and did I need some pills. With my fingers, I pushed the eggs and bacon onto the toast, making a sandwich, and walked past him and through the back door. In the flower garden there was a bench, where I sat and ate my food. Lucy waited patiently for the pieces that fell to the ground. When I saw Clay approaching, I shoved the last of what I wanted into my mouth and gave Lucy the rest.
“It’s time for that riding lesson,” he called out, with a big smile on his face.
The rest of the girls on the ranch were busy weeding in different areas around the homestead. I stood and headed to a spot I thought would let me have time alone. Behind the machine shed. But Clay wouldn’t let me pass.
“Sunny? Don’t you remember? You’re behind everyone else; let’s get a riding lesson in while it’s still cool out.”
“I have work to do,” I snapped, pulling my hand from his grip. Maybe I expected a scene, or to be hauled in front of Miss Day. Nothing happened. I was able to leave his side without an argument. When I got to my desired spot, LaKisha was there. At first it occurred to me that I should pick a different spot, but I didn’t.
“Hey,” she said. “You’ll be in trouble if you hang with me.”
“I don’t care anymore. What are they going to do to me? Kill me? They almost did that already.”
“They said you were sick. At least that’s what they told the rest of us.”
“Sick enough to go to the hospital, but they didn’t take me.”
“There isn’t a hospital here,” she whispered. “There aren’t a lot of things here if you haven’t noticed.”
At first I tried to pull the weeds from a standing position, but plopped on my knees next to LaKisha, when my back started to ache. “There has to be a way out of here,” I whispered.
“If there was, I would have left already.”
“Do you know how long you have to be here?” I asked.
“No.”
“Don’t you think that’s unusual?”
“Yes, it’s downright frightening,” she shivered.
“I wish I paid attention in girl scouts. I’d make a run for it.”
“There are animals out there. The worst kind. Don’t even try it, cause you won’t make it.”
“What kind of animals?”
“Does it matter? That’s not what you need to know. There’s bad stuff here that you wouldn’t recognize if it introduced itself to you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Sunny, what happened to you? How did you end up here? The truth.”
> “I don’t know.”
“Bullshit! How did it happen?”
“I was in a car accident. I didn’t have a license and because some jerk spilled beer on me they thought I was drinking.”
“Does that sound right to you?” she whispered. “How did you get in the accident?”
When I started to tell her about the graveyard, she warned me to be quiet, so I lowered my voice to a whisper. When I told her all about Mack and how he died, she looked like it made sense to her. For some reason I told her everything, from the night Mack died to the night of my accident. Surprisingly, I even confided in her about the colors I see. The only thing that was held back was Lucy, oh and of course the secrets I kept.
“Someone’s coming,” she whispered, “don’t stop thinking about everything you just told me. The answer is there somewhere. Think about it Sunny.” Quickly, she dashed around to the other side of the building.
“Here you are,” Clay said. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Come with me. I’ve saddled up a horse for you.”
“I don’t feel like riding.”
“So you’d rather pull weeds than ride the beautiful Angel. All the girls love Bobby’s mare.”
Bobby. He cares, but something isn’t right. One of those two would be my way out. My stomach took a turn with the nerves that settled there. Without any experience, I would have to pick one of them to seduce. There was an urgency I had never felt before, as if my life depended on it.
“I’m afraid Clay,” I said softly, without looking up at him.
“Afraid?” he responded gently. “Is that what this is all about? You’re afraid to ride a horse?”
Without speaking, I nodded my head, to say it was so – making myself small and submissive.
He kneeled on one knee and used my chin to turn my head. “By the end of the week you’ll be begging me to take you riding. Trust me Sunny. Let me introduce you to a new world without fear. It looks spectacular from the back of a horse.”
My mouth allowed a little smile. Just for him, and it was pleasing. I could tell. Maybe I had a future in the feminine art of seduction. Careful, not to overdo it, I was stingy with my laughter and smiles as we walked over to the saddled horses.
“Put your left foot in the stirrup, and I’ll give a boost up. She’s pretty tall for you, but you’ll get the muscles you need, to mount her yourself.”
Unlike most of the girls I grew up around, it was never my dream to go riding. There was no acting now, I was terrified. Angel was a sweet horse, but compared to me, she was a giant. I couldn’t comprehend that she was going to let me sit on her back without some sort of complaint, and I was sure it would come in the form of a buck.
Clay’s hand pushed my butt up, and I swung my other leg over. He immediately adjusted the stirrups to the length of my legs, and handed me the reins. It really was a pretty long distance to the ground. I clutched the horn and leaned close to the horse, holding on for dear life. Lucy just barked at me, I think she wanted me to get down. She was reacting to my fear. Every time Clay touched my leg, or messed with the saddle, Lucy growled. There wasn’t any way I could calm her, because there was nothing calm about me.
A few of the other girls came to the pasture fence to watch. I could hear their snickers. Bobby walked by and didn’t even take notice.
“Loosen up Sunny, she’s a safe horse.”
“What if I’m hurting her, and she hates me?”
“You aren’t hurting her, and she loves to be ridden. She wants you to ride her.”
My hand nervously slipped down to pat Angel on the neck. “Good girl Angel.”
“Now sit up straight. I’ll walk her around so you can get the feel of her.”
Pushing myself up into a straight sitting position on the animal wasn’t easy. If the horse wanted to bolt, what was to stop her? Clay? He was holding her with a rope, but she was stronger than him. I was sure of it. But I did it, and held on to the saddle horn as I planned how I could eject myself from the animal if I had to.
“That’s good Sunny, but it helps if you breathe. Trust me, she isn’t going to do anything without a command from you.”
“Words don’t help, coming from a guy who thought it would be funny to send me after Deus, the horse from hell. You want me to trust you?”
“Yes, I do. Sometimes you have to let go of all the little voices in your head and just go with it. Quit trying to analyze everything. Millions of people ride horses every day, and millions of people accept what has happened to them, and go on. Screw being a victim. Own who you are and what you did and get on with life.”
“What does that have to do with riding this horse?”
“You know you’re strong and you know what you are capable of. Don’t let anyone or anything run you over again.”
I don’t know why exactly, because what he was saying didn’t make any sense at first, but his words were affecting me. Breathing helped and relaxing was better. Clay walked the horse around the pasture several times, telling me the whole while that what is done is done. There was nothing I could do about it, and even threw in there that I had to do what I had to do to survive. “You’re doing great, keep breathing?” he said.
How exactly was burning down a house something I had to do to survive?
“I’m going to take the lead off, but I’ll be right here.”
“No, don’t!”
He didn’t listen. The horse stopped the minute the lead was gone. “Give her a little tap with your foot,” he ordered, but I couldn’t. Clay took hold of my foot and tapped it against the horse’s side. The walk resumed. “You see? No more or less than you tell her to do. The horse is a babysitter. She won’t hurt you Sunny.”
Maybe there wasn’t anything I could do about the things I had done, but it wouldn’t be right to just forget about it. Would it?
“You have to quit looking back and letting it make you shrivel up into a ball of nothing. It’s over and it will haunt you for the rest of your life if you can’t draw some strength from what you’ve gone through. People will always be there to accuse you and remind you. Screw them. It’s not like you’re going to repeat the past, but they don’t know that. Let them wonder.”
“Are you kidding? You want me to make people think I might burn down their house?”
His eyes lit up. “Do you want to apologize for the rest of your life? How can you live with that? Who cares what people think about you? It’s over Sunny. Done and over. You did it and you can’t take it back. Now you have to survive. Even that part of you that was capable of what you did.”
Clay’s words gave me strength, even if I didn’t completely believe what he was saying. It was a different speech than the therapists gave me, and for the first time, I think I really wanted to get over what I’d done. He was distracting me from my mission. I wanted to hear more.
“Keep going just like this. I’m going to get Deus so we can ride together.”
“No! Don’t leave me here,” I squealed.
Clay laughed and patted my thigh, sending so much electricity up my leg, and I swear the horse shivered too.
“You’re doing it,” LaKisha called out to me. “Look at you girl, you’re ready for the rodeo.”
I waved with one hand, but quickly regained my grip on the saddle horn. Even though I was just walking the horse, there was a great sense of accomplishment in what I was doing. It was exhilarating, and when he joined me with his mighty black horse, I felt like I was really riding. On my own.
Along with LaKisha’s encouragement came a look that reminded me of our conversation. When she saw that he was going to take me off the grounds, she looked panicked.
Chapter Twenty One
I’ve Seen That Movie Too
I can see by your eyes you must be lying
When you think I don’t have a clue
Baby you’re crazy
If you think that you can fool me
Because I’ve seen that movie too
All was good until
he told one of the girls to open the gate to the cooling pen. He walked his horse from the pasture to the pen, and told me to follow.
“I’m not ready.”
“Yes you are. We’ve walked in circles for long enough, and you’ve mastered the reigns, so let’s go.”
Walking through that gate was like jumping off a building. I swear, even the air felt different past that mark. Angel felt the difference too; I could tell she was excited to be out. On a horse, you can feel the emotions of the animal through your body, starting with your legs. Maybe it was the colors that changed around her that made me so sensitive to her muscles changing.
“She wants to run,” I squealed.
“Wouldn’t you want to run? She wants to but she isn’t going to unless you ask her to.”
“Well, how do I ask her? I don’t want to make a mistake.”
Clay laughed again, while he waited for Angel and me to catch up to him.
“It’s not funny. What do I do if she runs?”
“The same thing you would have done in that big pasture. If she wanted to take off, do you think those fences would have held her?”
“Now you tell me. Great! I really don’t want to do this.”
“Too late, you already are. Sunny, once you get used to Angel you’ll be able to ride any horse. It just takes confidence. Angel’s going to give you that confidence, and then you’re going to learn how to really ride a horse.”
“Really, this is enough. It’s not my life’s dream to ride horses. Can’t we just say I did it?”
“Not until the lesson is over. All you’ve done is a pony ride.”
There was no choice but to trust him. I suppose I could have stopped the horse and gotten off, but everyone was watching and I already felt foolish enough. It wasn’t easy to trust Clay after the stunt he pulled with the horses before, but once we were away from the ranch, I had to trust him.
Dead, Sweet Boy (Book One - Dead, Sweet Series) Page 21