“Thank you,” she said. “I’m so happy that you trust me enough to tell me these things. You’re going to be alright honey, I promise.”
“But mom…”
“No Sun. No buts. You are going to be fine. Do you hear me?”
The unhealthy mother who lived in this house for most of my preteen and teen years would have turned this moment into her moment. It would have been all about her pain and she might have blamed me. My mom was back for real. I snuggled close to her and let her hold me like a child.
“You know what Sun? You aren’t alone. So many little girls grow into women with layers of bad feeling like yours. I’m so proud of you.”
“Yeah right. I can’t even think about it without feeling like a monster.”
“Oh honey,” she laughed a little. “Yes it’s a big deal that you went through this, but you’re right about Mack honey. He was tortured by something, and it must have been evil. You buffered the world for him and took everything on yourself. I’m so sorry that this happened to you and it’s all the more confusing because you loved that boy. Don’t stop loving him Sunny. That’s what’s so precious about you. But you must stop taking on the world for everyone. It’s never okay to let someone hit you. There aren’t any excuses for anyone who would do that to you.”
“I know.”
“Good. And honey, you didn’t do anything wrong. You were confused about sex, just like every young woman is, and Mack used that to manipulate you.”
“But I think it ruined me. I was ready to have sex with that demon in the coma realm and when I got back, well I was ready to… well with Rick.”
Mom broke down a little, but stopped. She moved my face to look into her eyes. “Listen to me. You aren’t ruined. You’re the same sweet girl you were when you were little. You have a scar that has to heal. So honey listen to me, you need to get yourself out of situations that confuse you. Think before you act and don’t do anything that will add to your confusion. Do you know what I mean?”
“I think so.”
“Your Rick is a good guy Sunny, but he’s only human. Don’t push his ability to be a gentleman to the limits honey. It’s up to both of you to get your relationship back to the beginning. Don’t tempt fate.”
“But when I’m alone with him, I don’t know.”
“So don’t be alone for awhile. Get your heads straight.”
You know, thinking back, my mom was just what I needed. She held me and talked until it wasn’t hard to talk about things anymore. We even laughed and reminisced about Mack, the Mack we knew before he got dark. All the shame was erased, well most of it anyway. She understood how much I still loved Mack. She helped me accept the whole picture without all the guilt. When there wasn’t anything else to talk about, we feel asleep. Sometime during our nap, Claudia came up and crawled into my mother’s bed with us. It made me wonder if mother had her own mother when she was little, to put the light on all the demons in the world. She was amazing.
It was my mother’s idea to go out to the spa after our nap. She thought it would calm us down and pass the time all at once. “Nothing like a good pedicure before a ghost hunt,” she said.
Claudia picked the same nail color as my mom. A little too much ass kissing if you ask me, but my mom loved it. I went for black. Mostly it was because I felt like I felt when I would go on stage with the band, and I didn’t want to be that same girl in the cotton dress and pearls. What a sap she was, so sweet and innocent and unprotected while she was being smothered by a so called protector. Mack would have hated my new look, but I wasn’t doing it for that reason. It felt a little like growing up.
“Black?” Claudia commented on my choice.
“Pink? Since when do you go pink?”
“I needed a change.”
“Me too,” I said, sticking out my tongue. Claudia was becoming the sibling I never had, and it was happening so quickly. I couldn’t help but think it was another one of those things that just happen for the good, like LaKisha’s dad being my shrink. Stuff like that just can’t be an accident.
Mom took the opportunity to talk to us a little more about the guys in Claudia’s and my life. Her words were kind, and it was a new conversation for both Claudia and me. Maybe it was the years my mother raised me before she became addicted to prescription medications, that naturally engrained some of what she was trying to get through to us now, or maybe it was Mack. But I really hadn’t needed that kind of talk until now, and I took it to heart when I thought about how easily I almost gave myself away. It made me appreciate Rick a little more too.
“I see what you’re saying,” Claudia told my mother. “I can see where I’m going to have to be careful. I’m usually not very nice to guys, but Mason is like… I don’t know… made for me or something. I swear, guys were intimidated by me, and dates weren’t very common.”
My mother laughed a little. “I’ve learned something in my years girls. Respect is so vital in any relationship. And, you can’t expect anyone to respect you, if you don’t respect yourself. You are valuable young women who deserve the best.”
It was a good pep talk. I might have thought it was bull crap if my mother hadn’t beaten what she had. You might say that she found enough self respect, to be respected. That’s how Claudia and I felt.
“I have the coolest idea,” Claudia said, excitedly. “What if the three of us show up to the ghost hunt all dressed the same?”
“Why am I not surprised by that suggestion?” I asked.
My mother giggled a little, making me think she was actually considering the idea.
“Oh, come on Sun, it will lighten things up. It’ll be fun,” Claudia begged.
“What do you suggest? What Halloween costume are you considering? Demons?”
“No, not like that, like we’re a team or something. You know, like cheerleaders.”
“What is it with you and cheerleaders?” I asked. “What are we gonna do? Graveside cheers?”
Just then I noticed the girl who was getting a pedicure next to my mother taking a picture of us with her phone. When she saw me look, she turned away and fiddled with her phone. “She just took a picture of us. That girl over there just took a picture of us,” I pointed. The thing was, she wasn’t a girl, she was at least in her mid twenties. “Hey you! What’s with the picture?” I yelled.
Claudia got up and walked on her heals to approach the woman. It turned out there were others at the register, looking at their own pictures. “What’s your problem?” Claudia threatened. “What’s with the pictures?”
“Freak,” the one with the phone said.
“Hey that’s Sunny isn’t it? She’s the girl the ghost guy is looking for isn’t she?” One of her friends asked. “Can we talk to her?”
I tried to get out of my seat to confront them myself, but with my wet feet, I was not so steady.
“Do something about this,” my mother told the manager, who in turn made the women leave the shop.
It was difficult to relax after that. Claudia did most of the venting after they left, and all I wanted to do was go home. Mom insisted that we have our hair done. But the longer we were there, the more people came to see the girl the ghost was haunting.
“Does he really throw pebbles at your bedroom window Sunny?” some girl was able to say, before she was ushered out.
Another one asked when we were going back to the graveyard. That’s when my mother told the manager to get a move on our hair. “Do you have a back door?”
“Sure, there’s a back door. Right by the bathrooms.”
“Call Rick Sunny and tell him to pick you up. Claudia and I will go out the front.”
“I have just the thing to throw them off," the manager offered. A wig only a little close to my color was put on Claudia. When Rick came through the back door, I was ushered out, and mom and Claudia went out the front door where they were bombarded, but helped by Mason, who showed up with Rick.
“You’re a rock star now,” Rick laughed.
“Mason wrote something on his webpage about some hotshots coming to town to investigate Mack’s grave with him.”
There wasn’t time to get too upset, or to even give it much thought. We were only hours away from meeting at the church, and I still had something to do. What if she wasn’t home?
“Do me a favor. Turn left up there.”
“But…”
“I know. Please just turn up there.”
Rick did what he was told and pulled into Linda’s driveway. Her car was there, and unfortunately her mother’s car was there too.
“What are you doing?”
“I have to make amends. If I’m not back in fifteen minutes, come looking for my body, would ya?”
“Amends? Really?”
“No Rick, I came to burn down the house again.”
Linda’s mother came to the door. My new hairdo was losing itself to the sweat on my neck and forehead. “Hey, it’s me. I was wondering if I could talk to you and Linda for a minute. If that’s okay,” I said to the ground.
“Yeah, I know who you are. What do you want Sunny? I don’t think you should be here.”
“What the hell are you doing here?” Linda yelled over her mother’s shoulder.
“Look, I know it’s not easy for you to see me here, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m really sorry about what I did. If I could, I would take it all back. That probably doesn’t ….”
“Get her out of here mom. I’m going to call the police Sunny,” Linda yelled hysterically.
“Linda, stop. Just shut up a minute. Let the girl talk. Go ahead.”
“There are a whole bunch of excuses I could tell you, but the truth is, I did it and it was wrong what I did to you and your house, and oh my God … Lucy,” I said, holding back the tears for as long as I could. “I’m so sorry and if there’s any way you can forgive me, I … well …”
“I’ll never forgive you. You’re a killer Sunny. You killed my dog.”
“I’m sorry, really I am,” I said, this time looking into Linda’s mother’s eyes. “I was wrong.”
“Okay Sunny,” she said after a big sigh. “You better run along now.”
“If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you, I will.”
“Run along now Sunny. You’ve said your peace.”
“One more thing,” I insisted. I looked into Linda’s eyes. “I know what he did to you. He hit me too. I was so wrapped up in him and his pain I didn’t know it was wrong somehow. I know you understand.”
“Get the hell out of here you freak! You don’t know anything. I’m so going to kick your ass.”
I ran to Rick’s truck with tears streaming down my cheeks. All that effort at the spa was ruined in the span of just a few minutes. Rick held me and soothed me with his strong arms. “That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” I whispered.
“And it went well,” he said as we both watched Gypsy stick out both middle fingers at us. Her mother was yelling at her to get back in the house, when we pulled out of the drive.
“Nice house,” I said, with a crooked smile on my face.
Chapter Twenty Nine
Love Lies Bleeding
You’re a bluebird on the telegraph line
I hope you’re happy now
Well if the wind of change comes down your way girl
You’ll make it back somehow
(Elton John’s, Yellow Brick Road)
The church had to be locked after we entered. The good father shooed a couple of the curious out, explaining that there was a private service going on. I didn’t even bother to confront Mason or Claudia about the additions to the website. The last thing I needed was to have a fight with someone before I faced whatever it was that lay ahead. Anyway, the adults took care of it at the church. I sat back and watched Claudia defend Mason, while he defended his business. At least he wasn’t a back stabber. That would have been the end all of the harmony in my house.
“We aren’t going to be able to get to the hospital without them following,” Dr. Carsten said. “I think most of them are amateur hunters.”
“The hospital isn’t going to like this at all,” Dr. Warren worried. “Patients have a right to their privacy.”
“My team is over there and all set up. We can’t call it off now.”
“What do you suggest,” my mother asked. “Besides kicking Mason off the team.”
“Oh come on guys,” Mason complained, “you had to get started somehow. Didn’t you? I’m just trying to make it here.”
“Yes I did,” Dr. Carsten agreed, “but I did it by spending many years in school and research.”
“If the community college offered the courses I would need, I’d take them. I can’t go to some big university like you. This is my chance to be taken seriously.”
“What if we make them a sort of offer,” Father Vic suggested. “We could let them draw straws and one or two of them can come with us. Everyone else has to stay off the hospital grounds.”
“Listen to Mason,” Dr. Warren warned, “those guys out there are just like him. Do you think they’re going to pass up a chance like this?”
“Okay, so you agree to pull straws on the next hunt,” Mason suggested, “and leave out the ones who won tonight. They’ll go for that. It’s fair.”
Everyone agreed except for me. I walked away. This wasn’t what I wanted, but time was ticking and the urgency didn’t leave time to argue. It was like I was preparing myself by separating from the group. Something was going to happen, I knew it, and already these people seemed so distant to me. In my head the music was telling me I was right. Slow and telling, the song, Soul Meets Body, by Death Cab For Cutie, calmed me as they all debated.
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap it’s arms around me
Father Vic got a broom from somewhere and they all left the drawing of straws up to Mason. It was turning into his gig anyway, and you would have thought they made him king by the way he strutted out to talk to his fans.
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what it’s like to be new
While the rest of the crowd shared their frustration and nervousness, I sat in a pew and took in the dim ambiance of that holy place, while the music played on in my head and heart. The stained glass windows told stories that were just as hard to believe as mine, and it reminded me that I was alone. It didn’t matter if they were all armed with the best equipment, or the smartest people, because no matter what, I had to face my demons alone.
‘Cause in my head there’s a Greyhound Station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
An acceptance came over my spirit when the good father asked me to enter the confession booth. He really was sort of radical, having a heathen like me confess my sins, but if he thought it was important, I didn’t want to leave it out. I’d seen enough horror flicks to know that when there was trouble, they always called the Catholic priests. You never see the other kinds unless they are being devoured by the monster of choice.
So they may have a chance of finding a place
Where they’re far more suited than here – When the priest appeared at my side, I followed him to the confessional.
“Since you don’t know the protocol Sunny, just tell me whatever it is that is heavy on your soul and needs to be confessed.”
I cannot guess what we’ll discover, the words sang on.
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
Confessions are made in many different ways. Sometimes they pour out of the mouth immediately, like when a good person realizes what they did was wrong, and has no reason to hide it, because of how innocent they are. I didn’t do that when I burned down the house. Yes I eventually confessed, but the only remorse I had and the fact
that prompted my confession, was that they were going to go after Rick.
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another
And not one speck will remain
No, there wasn’t any reason for me to confess what I had already confessed, and that wasn’t what was weighing on my heart anymore. When I apologized to Linda’s mother I meant it. When I apologized to my poor Lucy dog, I really meant it.
“Is there anything weighing on your soul child?”
I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both our shoes
I thought about my mother and how at times I really hated her and my father when they drank. They should have been there for me. Was that weighing on my soul? No. My mother did the most courageous thing when she checked herself in the rehab and came out in the form of the mother I was missing for several years. I wasn’t even angry at my father. Seeing the change in my mother gave me hope for him.
“Give me just a minute Father,” I whispered. This wasn’t going to be easy. All I wanted was to find something bigger than what I knew I had to say, something to outweigh what was weighing on my soul.
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
I could hear the voices of my family and friends, and the experts and the not so much experts, outside of the confessional. Why me? When there are so many people in the world, why me? My mind went to Mack and his darkness, the lies. Yes, occasionally I felt anger when I thought about him, but I knew it wasn’t his fault. I also knew I had to face his demon. To free Mack.
“Well I have to admit that I’m a little afraid. Not as afraid as I should be I guess, because I’m going to go through this. When I meet the darkness, I can’t be afraid at all.”
“That’s right Sunny. It will use your fears to attack you.”
So brown eyes I hold you near
Just say it Sunny, just let it go, I tried to encourage myself. “I… I don’t know how to say it.”
“The best thing in that case is just to blurt it out. I won’t be shocked Sunny. I’m not here to judge you.”
Dead, Sweet Boy (Book One - Dead, Sweet Series) Page 30