Unstoppable

by Bankes, Liz

  ‘. . . done.’

  He laughs loudly. ‘No, sorry. You’re quite right. I wouldn’t want to get done. Although I think that only happens to people in Eastenders. You know that it’s possible to order non-alcoholic drinks?’

  ‘Oh no, just gin for me.’

  He smiles and then raises his eyebrows, waiting for my answer. I’ve just accidentally flirted with him. It’s probably best if I just try and wrap the conversation up now.

  ‘I can’t – I’m going to a fancy-dress pub crawl thing tonight.’

  A smile creeps into the corners of his mouth. ‘What’s the theme?’

  ‘Animals.’

  ‘I don’t know whether to feel more sorry for myself or you.’

  Chapter 18

  Cal and I are getting our costumes ready in silence. We haven’t spoken for fifteen minutes. I’ve been counting. Has he?

  When I arrived home he was in his room, taking labels off the cow-print onesie. He asked me how the seminar went, but didn’t wait for me to answer because he got distracted showing me the costume and asking how he should attach the udders. Then I started telling him about the smarmy guy on the course, but he was reading a message on his phone and clearly not listening, because he laughed and said, ‘Oh my God!’ before I’d got to the end of the story.

  I asked him who he was texting and he said it was his brother. Apparently Max is going to drop in on the pub crawl. But he said it so quickly. Like he’d thought about what he’d say if I asked.

  The pig and cow costumes seemed like a really funny idea when we planned them. But sitting here and getting them ready without talking seems to have sucked all the humour out of it. The only sound is my scissors chopping through the egg box to make the trotters. I have already made ears and a snout and attached them to a hair band. I also made a tail, but I don’t think I’ll wear it any more. I keep glancing up to look at him. And I think he’s doing the same when I’m not looking.

  Then we both glance over at the same time. He looks worried. But he turns it into an empty grin and so do I.

  There’s a pause and I feel the question creeping up my throat.

  Are you sleeping with her?

  The words start to form on my lips.

  ‘Looking forward to the Run?’ says Cal.

  The Rugby Run is just the name they give to the team pub crawl, where they visit as many pubs as possible and as many colleges as they can charm their way into (very few).

  ‘Yeah.’ I nod. ‘Well, I’m a bit worried about getting ID’d.’

  ‘Nah, you’ll be fine.’ He waves his hand dismissively.

  I get a flash of annoyance. He knows that if I get asked for ID I won’t show them Poppy’s passport, I’ll just confess my age, apologise and leave. I don’t really know why I bother bringing it out with me. The annoyance is accompanied by an image of Martin with his eyebrows raised saying, ‘There are non-alcoholic drinks, you know.’ I feel like saying that to Cal. But he never sees any obstacles to his fun. If I’m honest, I couldn’t see Cal giving a seminar on career-planning. Or anything serious.

  I slice into the eggbox a bit more violently than I mean to and Cal looks up from adjusting his udders. We both do that empty smile again and Cal puts the radio on to fill the silence.

  ‘Are you dressing up for the Rugby Run?’ I ask Cleo as she leans against the doorframe outside her room, wearing possibly the tiniest shorts that have ever existed.

  Cleo looks at my ears and snout. ‘No . . .’ she says.

  I’m really glad I didn’t put the tail on now.

  Cal comes out of our room in his cow costume, complete with udders he made himself out of rubber gloves.

  ‘Wow,’ says Cleo. ‘Lots of effort there, Cal.’

  I hide my trotters behind my back.

  ‘Oh yeah!’ he says and then pretends to milk his udders at us.

  ‘Come on!’ says Simon from the door. He’s dressed as an elephant, but has hung his trunk somewhere inappropriate.

  Dan comes down the stairs from his room with pointy orange ears, whiskers, a tweed jacket and a farmer’s cap.

  ‘What’s the theme?’ Cleo laughs. ‘Dickheads’ day out?’

  Dan stops on the landing. ‘Actually, it’s arrogance, so you don’t even have to get changed. This,’ he gestures to his costume, ‘is Liv’s favourite childhood book character.’

  ‘I didn’t know there was a children’s book character called “ginger pervert in a coat”,’ says Cleo.

  ‘Fantastic Mr Fox!’ says Cal.

  ‘Thank you,’ says Dan pointedly.

  ‘She’ll love it, dude,’ says Cal and starts down the stairs.

  ‘Well, you losers have fun,’ says Cleo.

  ‘Aren’t you coming?’ says Cal, sounding disappointed, and the strangling feeling starts in my throat again. It’s good I left the scissors in the bedroom.

  ‘I’m ill,’ Cleo calls down the stairs.

  ‘Anything I can do to make you feel better?’ Simon leans round the bannister and winks.

  ‘I ate something bad and now I have the shits,’ says Cleo, holding his gaze.

  ‘Okay,’ says Simon, but all the sound has gone out of his voice.

  ‘Wait for me!’ We hear footsteps crashing down the stairs and then Arlo appears on the landing with a kitchen roll holder sticking out from his forehead.

  ‘I’m not even gonna,’ says Cleo. She turns on her heel and walks into her room.

  ‘What?’ says Arlo. ‘I’m a unicorn.’

  Chapter 19

  Pub one. Pimms.

  I hide behind everyone and Cal gets my drink.

  There is a lot of hugging and shouting and lifting people up as the rugby team reunite. I chat to Liv’s friend, who I discover is called Emma, and tell her about my awful job. She replies that she’s got a paid internship at a local newspaper that she really loves and it is exactly what she wants to do. Which is great.

  I hear myself telling her how excited I am to be doing business studies at Manchester in September and how it will be great and set me up for a great job and then I’ll have a great life. I say ‘great’ about ten times. I’m such a knob.

  Pub two. Tequila shots.

  I’ve never had them before, and it turns out that was sensible because they are disgusting. I take a small sip and catch Dan’s eye. We pretend to drink them and then run off and tip them into a plant pot.

  I chat to Dan as we move on to the next place. He seems worried about whether I’m okay. Perhaps he heard me wittering on about total bollocks in the last pub.

  Pub three. Beer.

  Which I don’t like, so I share Cal’s. One of the guys turns up late and tells Cal it was a shame not to see him on the team last term, which is a bit weird. Maybe he’s in a different team. Then he says, ‘Where’s your fit new housemate?’

  Cal says, ‘She’s not here – she’s ill.’

  Before adding, ‘But this is my fit new roommate, Rosie!’ and giving me a squeeze, which he does a bit too enthusiastically.

  Pub four. Glass of wine.

  Dangerous. I find Emma again and start to tell her that I actually don’t want to do business studies and that my mum is pressuring me into it because she’s a CEO and I’m going to say more, but the call goes out that we are moving on and Emma seems quite glad to escape.

  Pub five. Snakebite.

  Some guy in a leather jacket knocks into me. I say sorry, even though it is me who now has cider and beer all over my arm. He sees my costume and says, ‘Hmm, attractive.’

  I step backwards into two other people and spend ages apologising to them as well.

  * * *

  Pub six. Shot, but I don’t know what it is and it tastes horrible.

  I can’t find Cal for ages. It feels like ages. It may only be five minutes.

  One of the rugby guys says he thinks Dan and Cal are outside, but I’m stopped from leaving by Simon, who wants me to follow a girl to the toilet and then talk about him loudly.

  ‘O
n my own?’

  ‘Take a friend!’ he says and shoves me towards a group. Emma turns round, sees me and then quickly backs away.

  I end up taking Liv into the toilets, but I think the girl has gone anyway. I think afterwards that I should have asked Liv how things are going with Dan.

  Pub seven. Nothing.

  Because I don’t make it inside.

  Dan and Cal have gone on ahead and are standing outside the door and talking in urgent whispers. I crouch behind a plant and listen.

  Dan says, ‘I get it, but you can’t keep sneaking around behind Rosie’s back.’

  Cal says, ‘I know. I just wasn’t sure before. But I swear I’m going to tell her.’

  Dear M,

  It was nine o’clock when I heard the door go. I thought the pub crawl thing was meant to go on all night. I thought I had the house to myself and I’d be able to indulge in all the debauched habits I have now. Like talking to the cat and reading.

  Don’t laugh. It’s easier this way. And all I read is the same book – the copy of On the Road you gave me. You said the only people for you are the mad ones.

  In my quest to escape it all I probably should have gone to hitch-hike across the US as a penniless, drunken writer. Or taken mind-altering drugs in South America. Instead I went and rented a room in a house full of students.

  If I told you I planned this all would you believe me? I tracked these people down. I’ve always envied them. But now I’m here, I can’t join in.

  I’d always wanted to be part of a gang. Then you came along. And I was part of us. Then you went. And here is this ready-made gang. Only now I’m more convinced than ever that I’m not capable of having friends.

  I went to the top of the stairs to see which one it was that had interrupted my evening in.

  Fantastic Mr Fox didn’t look so fantastic. He grabbed his laptop from the living room and stomped into the kitchen. A few seconds later loud punk rock started blasting out. I walked in as he was putting on a T-shirt after taking off the costume.

  I said, ‘Wow, Kitchen Boy. If you keep up all this brooding you’re going to really change your nice-guy image.’

  He took something from the fridge, slammed the door shut and grumped about not being in the mood tonight.

  I walked further into the room and asked him what was wrong.

  He thought, obviously deciding whether to share it with me of all people. Then he turned the music down and started talking.

  Liv had gone off with some guy who apparently is horrible to her, but who she really likes. She told Dan she thinks he’s lovely and they should be friends. And that’s what happened with his last girlfriend. And the girl he met when he was travelling – they fell madly in love and then he found out she was still seeing her married, horrible ex.

  He said that he always gets told he is ‘such a nice guy’ and ‘such a good friend’. Like it’s a good thing, but it hasn’t been that good for him. Nice guys get dicked over and dickheads get the nice stuff, without even having to make any effort.

  I came over and leant against the kitchen side next to him.

  He was talking about this guy of Liv’s again, and was like, what kind of bad boy actually wears a leather jacket? And said that he looked like such a tool.

  I said I didn’t know. And then I looked at his outfit. And so did he. And then we looked at each other. And burst out laughing.

  He managed to get some words out between the laughs. He said he had dressed as a ginger pervert in a coat for her. And then I laughed even more.

  Dan made tea and asked if I wanted one. For once I decided to stick around. He went to the fridge to see if there was anything edible.

  ‘What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?’ he said, holding up a piece of cheese. ‘Halloumi!’

  I looked at him. ‘Hello . . . me,’ he explained. I told him that I got it. Then he looked at me in horror. And asked, ‘Is it the jokes?’

  I told him it wasn’t. That the problem was that he was assuming people make intelligent, rational decisions. People are idiots. They’ll make a decision for some reason they’re not even really sure of and then make up a load of crap to make it sound like they thought it all out. ‘There’s no real reason these girls didn’t pick you,’ I said. ‘They’re idiots going through life and getting it completely wrong, like everyone else.’

  Dan looked up at me with a serious expression. And asked if what I was saying was that a girl would be an idiot not to fancy him? I hit him on the arm and he grinned.

  And then all the lights went out.

  Dan said, ‘Whoa! Do you think it’s a power cut? Hey, my laptop’s still working!’

  I looked at him in disbelief (which he couldn’t see obviously, because it was dark). So I told him that it was called a battery and reminded him he is doing a science degree. Then the laptop light went out.

  He said his laptop battery is crap and actually he does engineering. (Surely that’s worse?) We stood there in silence for a moment in the pitch black. Then I heard him move.

  And after a pause I heard him speak. ‘I’m just going to —’ Then he froze. And apologised.

  I said, ‘Yeah, that was my boob.’

  I could almost see his horrified expression as he said that he was really sorry, that he wasn’t trying to grope me in the dark, and that he was going to go and try to find the switchboard.

  Then silence again. And just the sound of us breathing.

  I could feel he was only inches away from me.

  I moved closer and I heard him move too. It felt like there was some sort of electric field round us, playing over my skin and intensifying the closer he got.

  Closer again, and I could feel his leg between mine, just touching. And then my hands were round his neck and his were on my waist.

  The force of the kiss moved me backwards and I felt the kitchen table dig into my back. Dan’s hands went under my thighs and he lifted me up on to it.

  You may wonder why I’m telling you all this.

  I think it’s because of the thrill I always got from sharing things with you. When we’d walk through the city in the darkness. Creep into a college and lie there under a looming wall. In among the tradition and the ritual and the rules, we shared something secret. No one saw us or heard the things we told each other. We lay there looking up and I turned to you and you turned to me. And I told you how I was always numb and I’d never felt it. You reached out and drew me in and unlocked it all. So that’s why I’m telling you this. I want to feel that again.

  Or maybe I’m trying to make you jealous.

  I curled my legs around Dan’s back to pull him against me. His hands ran up my sides and over my breasts. Everywhere I couldn’t feel him ached for that firmness. The contact. That thing I’d missed. I pulled at his T-shirt and he took it off, while I took off my top. I heard his intake of breath as he put his hands on me again and felt bare skin.

  And then the light came on. And we froze.

  He looked into my eyes, his chest rising and falling against me. His hand in my hair.

  I said that I hadn’t done this before.

  When the clothes went back on we went into the sitting room. We lay on the sofa. We’d been planning to watch a film but the talking overtook us and we never got past the menu screen.

  He asked me about the guy I brought back to my room the other night. I stared at him. He’d believed that I’d brought home some pervy businessman. I corrected him – it had in fact been a wild night in talking to the cat.

  He cracked up. I thought I’d feel pathetic admitting something like that. But I started laughing too. Then Dan shifted round to look at me and said, ‘So you’ve never slept with anyone?’

  You can imagine what went through my head then.

  Lying on the grass. Gripping your hand to me. Creeping up the winding staircase and along the corridor. Fumbling with the keys for what felt like an age. You pushing me up against the door. And then, finally.

  I said no, I ha
ven’t slept with anyone. I said it looking up at the ceiling, because I knew I’d give something away if I met his eye. Even though it had turned into some big confession-fest, I still couldn’t talk about you. Then I told him to keep that to himself – that I had got a reputation to keep up.

  I could feel him looking at me.

  ‘Have you ever been in love?’

  It caught me off guard and I found myself answering before I could think about it. I said yes.

  He asked me if I was talking about Jamie.

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I turned away from him. Because it strangles me, thinking about it.

  I shouldn’t have told you that – you’ll get arrogant.

  He checked himself, sensing that maybe he’d gone too far, and apologised. He then asked if I would rather be talking to the cat?

  The grip relaxed slightly and I let myself laugh. And at that moment the cat launched itself onto the sofa and did its usual thing of sitting on my chest. Practically on my throat.

  He said he knew that I would give in to the cat-love eventually.

  I stroked its ear and said, ‘Well, you wouldn’t bugger off, would you, Ma— Nigel?’

  I froze. Dan didn’t notice and he carried on talking. But I couldn’t hear anything. It’s the first time since it happened that I nearly said your name.

  Love you.

  Cleo x

  Chapter 20

  Pub eight. Something blue?

  ‘Max!’

  I launch myself at him, knocking a few people out of the way. Spend a while apologising to them, obviously.

  ‘Hello!’ he says.

  I managed to avoid Cal the whole walk over and I get the impression he’s not trying to find me.

  The bar is busy, so it is hard to hear everything Max says. And I think that the alcohol might be blocking up my ears. Can that happen? Max tells me he was on his way from a breakdancing battle and driving past Oxford, so Cal persuaded him to stop by. I say how Gabi is always getting us to watch videos of him dancing. He says she’s always embarrassing him, but he looks pleased.

  I tell him he should do some of his moves in the pub and he refuses. I keep saying it. Until it becomes awkward.