She couldn’t help but retain a bit of anger toward him. She hadn’t forgotten the hateful, hurtful things he’d said about her mother. He just didn’t understand…and he never would. He hadn’t lived her life, hadn’t experienced her childhood.
Shutting off the car engine, she touched the half a heart on her key chain. Half a heart. That’s what Seth would leave her when he moved on. He would always have possession of half of her heart.
Wearily she climbed out of the car and went into the house. Silence greeted her. The deep, profound silence that indicated a place void of people.
“Hello?” she called out as she hung her coat in the closet. She dropped her purse on the entryway table and walked through the living room to the kitchen.
“Seth?” The kitchen was empty. There were no signs of dinner preparations, no evidence that anyone had been in the kitchen for some time.
Fear edged its way into Meghan’s heart. Surely Seth wouldn’t…she didn’t allow the thought to flourish in her head.
They’re probably playing in Kirk’s room, she told herself as she hurried out of the kitchen and raced down the hallway. “Seth? Kirk?” She heard a subdued panic in her voice, a panic that increased when there was no answering reply.
They were not in the nursery, nor were they in any of the other bedrooms. Meghan stumbled back into the living room and stood there, trembling as her thoughts raced in frightening directions.
Seth had told her nothing would keep him from his son. Had he been so afraid that she wouldn’t allow him to be a father that he’d taken Kirk? Seth was an expert at disappearing. If he wanted, he had the ability to make certain nobody ever found him again.
She whirled around as the front door opened. Relief flooded through her as Seth walked in. “Seth…thank God.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I…I couldn’t find you or Kirk…and I thought maybe…” She broke off, realizing how foolish, how unfair to Seth she had been in what she’d been thinking.
“Jeez, Meghan,” he said and shook his head. “How could you even think that I would do such a thing.”
Heat swept over her face. “I’m sorry…I just panicked.” She frowned. “Where is Kirk?”
“I just took him next door to Rose,” Seth explained as he pulled her coat out of the closet. “Here, put this on.”
“Why? What’s going on?” she asked as she walked toward him.
“Rose is baby-sitting Kirk for the evening. It’s New Year’s Eve,” he said as he helped her with her coat. “I’m taking you out to dinner tonight.”
“Are you sure you should do that? You don’t want anyone to know you’re here, but if anyone sees us together they’ll know.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” He moved to stand in front of her and buttoned up her coat. “I’m giving it one final week. If we don’t find the information I need in a week, then it’s time for me to move on.”
He smiled, although the gesture held no warmth. “So you see, you have something to celebrate tonight. It’s the beginning of the end of me in your life.”
He opened the front door to usher her out. Celebration? Meghan thought about his words. He couldn’t be more wrong. How could she possibly consider the final shattering of her heart an event to be celebrated?
Chapter 14
Seth drove the short distance to Italia Gardens, the restaurant where he and Meghan had once had their first date. It seemed appropriate to him that they return there for their final “date” together.
He’d given himself another week to come up with the information about Simon, but for the past six days, ever since their argument on Christmas Day, he’d fought the need to be away from Meghan.
Loving her…wanting her…had no place in his life anymore and he knew the only way to get her out of his mind, out of his heart, was to get as much physical distance from her as possible.
“I hope you’re hungry,” he said as he pulled into the already crowded parking lot.
“A little,” she said softly, her gaze lingering on the exterior of the restaurant. “Why here?” She turned and looked at him, her expression somber.
“Because I remember how much you used to love their cheese ravioli. This was always your favorite restaurant.”
“It hasn’t been my favorite for a long time,” she replied as she unfastened her seat belt.
“Would you rather go someplace else?”
She shook her head. “No, this is fine.” She opened her car door to get out but he stopped her by grabbing hold of her arm.
“Meghan, I don’t know about you, but this past week has been one of the longest in my life. I’m tired of the tension. Can’t we just have a nice dinner together?”
For a moment, he thought she might cry. Her eyes had that luminous, vulnerable look that caused his heart to ache in his chest. She drew in a deep, tremulous breath. “A nice dinner sounds good,” she agreed. She pulled her arm from his hand and got out of the car.
Together they walked into the small, intimate restaurant. “I have reservations,” Seth said to the hostess, who took his name and gestured for them to follow her.
She led them to the same table where Meghan and Seth had shared their first meal together. The table was situated in a corner, isolated and intimate. A squat candle sat in the center of the table, spilling a soft glow of light onto the red-checkered tablecloth.
After they were seated, the hostess handed them each a menu, then left them alone. The moment she left, Seth heard the telltale sound of Meghan’s high heels dropping to the floor.
He grinned as a memory shoved into his head. “You remember that first night we came here and you took off your shoes beneath the table?”
Her eyes widened and a grudging smile curved the corners of her lips. “I’ll never forget it. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.”
Seth laughed. “It took you, me and the waiter twenty minutes to find your shoes.” Somehow, Meghan’s shoes had been accidentally kicked from table to table while he and Meghan had eaten that night. When they got ready to leave, they’d had to hunt for two red high heels that had finally been found near the front door.
“I wanted to die,” she exclaimed, her eyes sparkling like gems in the candlelight. “I wanted so desperately to make a good impression on you and there I was in my stocking feet, hunting under every table for my errant shoes.”
“I thought it was charming. I thought you were charming,” he said softly.
Their conversation was interrupted by the appearance of their waitress. She took their orders, brought them each a glass of wine, then left them once again.
Meghan sipped her wine, her gaze curious. “What made you decide to just give it one more week?”
Seth shrugged, knowing exactly what she was talking about. “I just realized there has to be an end to it. When I first showed up at your place, finding Simon was all I could think about.” He twirled the stem of his wine glass between his two fingers. “Somehow, over the past two weeks, that particular obsession has waned.”
“I’m glad, Seth. And I hope you don’t still feel responsible for the L.A. sting going bad.”
He sighed and took a sip of his wine. “I can’t help but feel partially responsible, but I guess I realize now the chain of events that happened were not under my control.”
To his surprise, Meghan reached across the table and took his hand in hers. “You shouldn’t be haunted by events you can’t control. You’re a good man, Seth.”
But not good enough for you to take me as I am. The sentiment sprang unbidden to his mind, and he consciously shoved it away. He didn’t want any bitterness between them.
He turned his hand over, so now it was his that captured hers. Small and delicate, he thought he felt a slight trembling. He squeezed it and smiled at her. “Spending these last two weeks with you and Kirk put things into perspective for me. I still want to find Simon, but it’s time to put the obsession aside and move on.”
She
nodded and pulled her hand from his. “It’s time we both move on.”
Again their conversation was interrupted by the waitress, who served them their salads and placed a basket of bread sticks on their table. For a few minutes they ate in silence.
Seth studied Meghan, somehow feeling as if this would be his last opportunity to memorize her features. The candlelight loved her features, accentuating her cheekbones, her full lips and her beautiful eyes. The flickering light made her freckles appear to dance across her skin, freckles Seth had always found sexy as hell.
“You’re staring,” she accused.
“I know.” He averted his gaze to his salad.
“Seth?”
He looked back at her again.
“About Kirk…” She wiped her mouth with her napkin and shoved her salad plate aside. “I won’t fight you if you want to continue to see him, be a part of his life.”
Her words shocked Seth, who’d assumed they’d have to have another round of fighting on this particular subject.
“Don’t look so shocked,” she said dryly. “I’m a mother, not a monster.”
“And you’re a terrific mother,” he agreed, his heart expanding as he realized she was overcoming her fear to allow him to have a relationship with his son. “I know this was a difficult decision for you.”
She shrugged. “In the end, not so difficult after all.” She paused as the waitress appeared to serve their entrées. When the waitress had once again left the table, Meghan continued. “Rose was right when she said every little boy needs his father in his life. I’ve watched you with Kirk since you’ve been here. You’re a good father, Seth.”
“Thank you,” he said simply.
“Don’t thank me,” she protested. “I’m doing this for Kirk, not for you,” she said, as if needing to make this point clear to him.
“It doesn’t matter what your motivation is for agreeing, I’m just grateful we don’t have to fight about this any longer.”
Meghan smiled, and in her smile Seth saw a deep weariness. “I’m tired of fighting, Seth. I don’t want to fight with you anymore, either.”
He nodded. “It’s important that we get along. Whether we like it or not, our lives and our futures are bound together by Kirk.” He fought against the despair that threatened to engulf him as he thought of what their future would now be with one another.
He would see Meghan not as his wife, but merely as the mother of the son they both loved. It was likely that one day Meghan would fall in love again, eventually remarry. This thought brought a renewed burst of pain to pierce his heart.
At least he had Kirk. That’s what he had to focus on. He would have the relationship with his son that his father never had with him.
Again silence fell between them as they focused on their meal. As Seth ate, he found himself remembering the hunger he’d felt as a child, the hunger for a touch, a kind word, a bonding moment with the man who was his father.
His father had been on his mind a lot. He’d had several nightmares in the past week, playing and replaying in his sleep the tragedy of his father’s death.
“You’ve gotten terribly quiet,” Meghan observed as she finished the last of her ravioli.
“Just thinking,” he replied.
“About?”
“About the fact that when you said we were intimate strangers when we got married, you were right.”
She raised an eyebrow. “What brought this on?”
He took one last bite of his lasagna then shoved his plate away. “Are you ready to go?”
“Okay,” she said, her forehead wrinkled in bewilderment.
As Seth paid the bill, he wondered why he felt the sudden need to talk about his father. He’d never told anyone about that day…the birthday that had destroyed any hope of a relationship with the man he’d desperately needed in his life.
But for some reason he wanted to talk to Meghan. He wanted her to understand exactly why he intended to be the best damn father in the world to his son.
“What’s going on, Seth?” Meghan asked when they were back in the car and driving back toward the house.
What was going on, indeed? Why the sudden need to bare his soul to a woman he was about to walk away from? He didn’t stop to question his motivation, he just decided to follow his heart.
“I don’t know,” he finally confessed. “I was just sitting there eating and thinking about the fact that it had taken a divorce and a considerable amount of time for you to tell me about your childhood.”
“We didn’t talk enough before we got married, and we certainly didn’t talk enough after we got married,” she observed. She stared down at her hands in her lap. “If we’d talked, we would have known that our dreams, our expectations for our future were miles apart from one another.”
“But we got one thing right. Kirk.”
She smiled at him, a smile that held a bittersweet melancholy. “Yes, we got that right.”
“I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’re not going to fight me about being in Kirk’s life. I want to be a good father to him. I intend to be the kind of father my old man never was to me.”
As he turned the corner near her town house, he felt her gaze on him.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
Seth went past her house, realizing he wanted the physical activity of driving while he told her about his father. “I mean I lied to you when I told you my father died in a car accident.”
“You lied?”
He nodded, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. “My mother really did die in a car accident when I was twenty. My father committed suicide on my seventeenth birthday, but for all intents and purposes he was already dead for most of my childhood.”
Shock riveted through Meghan at his words. “Oh my God, Seth.” For a moment she was speechless. Suddenly she remembered the night he’d had his nightmare, the night she’d thought she’d heard him cry out the word “dad.” “Seth, why didn’t you tell me this before?”
He chuckled, a dry, hoarse sound that had held no mirth at all. “Probably for the same reasons you didn’t tell me about your childhood of fear. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Thinking about it made me feel angry and weak and afraid.”
He clutched the steering wheel so tightly his hands were white, the veins corded with tension.
“Pull over,” Meghan demanded.
He shot her a look of surprise. “Why?”
“Just park the car.”
He pulled to the curb and put the car in park. “What’s going on?”
“This.” She unbuckled her seat belt and scooted over and wrapped her arms around him.
It was sheer love that drove her, even knowing that he was leaving, even knowing that they could never be truly together. It was sheer love that made her need to hold him.
“Oh, Seth…Seth,” Meghan crooned, stroking his hair as she held him close. “What an awful, horrible thing for you.”
He leaned his head into the crook of her neck and she felt the tension that still vibrated in his body. In all the time she’d known Seth, loved Seth, she’d never felt him need her as he did at this moment.
“Talk to me, Seth,” she whispered in his ear, knowing the only way to exorcise demons was to expose them to the light. “Tell me about your father.”
He pulled away from her embrace and slumped back in his seat, his gaze directed out the car front window where the illumination of streetlamps transformed the lingering snow into a frosting of icy crystals.
Meghan sat back in her seat, patient as she watched the myriad emotions flirt across Seth’s features. Pain…shame…torment…they were all there and she reached over and grabbed his hand in an effort to give him strength.
He squeezed her hand, as if reassured by its very presence in his. He drew a deep breath. “I loved my old man. When I was really young, I thought he was the strongest, biggest man in the world.”
She smiled. “I’m sure that’s exactly what Kirk thinks of you
.”
Turning to look at her, his eyes flashed with bright gratitude. “Dad worked until I was about eight. I don’t know exactly what he did…sold insurance, I think. But, about the time I was eight, he quit going to work on a regular basis and started spending a lot of time sitting in his chair and staring at the television. About that time Mom starting working two jobs. I realize now it was probably because of financial problems.”
“But I’m sure it felt like a double abandonment,” Meghan replied.
His eyes lit up in surprise at her words. “Yeah, I guess it did. The father I knew disappeared and Mom was never home. Anyway, as time went on, Dad got worse and worse. He spent all his time in his chair wrapped in an afghan. He rarely spoke, never laughed and seemed to live solely in his own mind.”
Meghan squeezed his hand. “It sounds like your father was ill.”
“I realized that as I got older,” he agreed.
“Did he see a doctor?”
“Yeah, about once a month Mom would take him to a psychiatrist who prescribed medication, but I never really saw any improvement in him.”
Meghan felt the tension inside him growing. It was a palpable force that radiated like a living entity.
Again his hands sought the steering wheel, as if he needed to hang on as he went back into the darkness of his past. “That day…my seventeenth birthday, I came home from school and found that my dad had taken his revolver and killed himself.” Meghan wanted to reach for him again, but something in the tilt of his head, the rigidness of his body indicated he didn’t want to be touched at the moment.
“I…I smelled the gun powder as soon as I walked into the house. When I went into the living room and saw him slumped in his chair all I could think about was that the bastard had gone and ruined my birthday.” Seth turned haunted eyes to Meghan. “Isn’t that horrible? My father had just shot himself to death and I was pissed because he’d ruined my birthday.”
Meghan saw the unshed tears in his eyes, glazing the green depths, but refusing to give way. She recognized his enormous guilt and pain and the strength it took to hold those emotions inside.
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