“Seth, you were a boy,” she said softly. “And I’m sure it was easier to manage anger than it was to manage the incredible hurt you felt.”
He closed his eyes, cords of muscles taut in his neck. She saw him swallow once…twice and knew he was desperately fighting for control. She averted her gaze from him, knowing his pride would never allow him to cry in front of her.
“I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough for him,” Seth said after several minutes had passed. “I couldn’t understand why he hadn’t wanted to live for me.”
Meghan could stand it no longer. Once again she reached for him and wrapped him in her embrace. “He was sick, Seth. I’m sure it had nothing whatsoever to do with you. He was sick and in mental pain and sometimes that pain is so great nothing can ease it.”
He shuddered in her arms. “As a man, I know that. As a boy, I didn’t understand, couldn’t understand. All I know for certain is that I want to be there for Kirk. I don’t want him to grow up with the same kind of hunger that I felt.”
He remained in her arms for a long time. She stroked his hair, grieving for the fatherless boy, the young man who had found the body of a father who had given up on life.
He finally pulled away from her and gave a shaky laugh. “We’d better get home.” Meghan nodded, knowing he would probably never again speak of his father’s death.
Hopefully telling her had been enough to drive away whatever nightmares haunted him, to ease the infection of festering wounds.
It was almost nine o’clock when they got back home. Seth went next door to get Kirk and Meghan booted up her computer to check her e-mail.
She initiated the powerful search engine she’d programmed to hunt for new articles that concerned any recent influx of drugs, busts and seizures, then leaned back in her chair and watched as the machine did its thing.
She tried to run the engine every night so that each day she received a new listing of drug related articles from newspapers around the country. A half a dozen new ones showed on her screen. Quickly, she scanned each one, dismissing them one by one as she realized they didn’t contain the information Seth sought.
However, when she got to the fourth news article, her heart skipped a beat. It was a small report translated from a Spanish newspaper. It indicated that an unidentifiable source stated that a huge shipment of heroin had entered the country and law enforcement had stepped up their efforts to find the cache and arrest the guilty.
The news clipping was from the tiny republic of Madrileño, Central America. She hit the button to print the note. As it printed, she stared at the screen, knowing this was the information Seth had been waiting for. This was the information that would take him finally, irrevocably away from her.
Just shut off the computer, a little voice whispered in the back of her head. Shut it off and pretend you never turned it on tonight.
And then what? Hide it for a day…a week? She already knew she and Seth were lost to one another, so why put off the final parting?
Seth appeared in the doorway, a sleeping Kirk in his arms. “I’m going to put him in bed,” he said.
She nodded absently as he disappeared from the door. He returned a moment later. “What are you doing?”
“I just stopped in here to check my e-mail.”
“Anything interesting?”
She hesitated, wanting to say no…wanting to turn the computer off and love Seth enough that he’d forget his job, forget his duty.
“Yes.” She picked up the paper from the printer and handed it to him.
She watched his face as he scanned it, saw the energy that suddenly possessed him, the dangerous glint that usurped all the lightness from his eyes. “It’s him, isn’t it?”
“There’s no way to be certain, but I would say it’s highly probable.”
He gripped the paper tightly in his hand. “I’m going to the kitchen to use the phone.”
Before she could even nod, he was gone. Meghan shut down the computer, her heart aching. She’d thought she’d prepared for this moment, believed she was ready to tell Seth goodbye. She’d been wrong. There was no way to prepare for heartbreak.
All you have to do is give in. The words filled her mind as she shut off the office light. She could make it all right by telling Seth she loved him and didn’t care if he continued working as a SPEAR operative. All she had to do was sacrifice all that she’d believed in, wished for and she and Seth could be together.
She thought of those nights when her father had gone to work, nights of fear and anguish. Did she want to live a life like that?
No, she couldn’t.
Eventually her fear would destroy their marriage. Seth would grow tired of her fear, they’d begin to resent one another and eventually she’d be alone again anyway.
She walked out of the room and was met by Seth in the hallway. “It’s done,” he said.
She fought the impulse to reach up and shove a strand of his unruly long hair from his forehead, knowing that in a single touch she might lose control and weep. “When do you go?”
“First thing in the morning.” He looked as alive, as vital as she’d ever seen him. “Meghan, I know I’ve already asked too much of you, but I have one more request.”
“What?”
“Tonight.” His gaze burned into hers. “Tomorrow I’ll be out of your house, out of your life except for visits with Kirk. Give me tonight with you in my arms. Give us one more night together before I leave.”
She wanted to tell him no, that he was asking too much, taking too much. But she had no defenses where he was concerned. Tomorrow he’d be gone. They only had tonight. One last night of loving Seth before a lifetime of grief and loneliness.
He opened his arms to her and despite the fact she knew it was another mistake in a long list of mistakes where he was concerned, she went into his arms.
Chapter 15
Meghan awakened just before dawn, knowing before she even opened her eyes that Seth was gone. She stretched a hand out across the bed and felt the cold emptiness where there had been warmth and life and love.
“Happy New Year,” she said aloud, fighting back tears. Those had been the last words Seth had said to her, after making love to her with a ferocity that had overwhelmed her.
Her body still ached from his lovemaking, but that ache had nothing on the one that lived in her heart.
She pulled herself out of bed, checked to make sure Kirk was still sleeping soundly, then stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee.
The silence of the house had never been so deep, had never been so profound. And she had never felt so hopelessly alone.
She stared at the coffee dripping into the carafe, her heart aching as it had never hurt before. Seth’s smell lingered on her, as did the warmth of his caresses from the night before.
She suddenly felt the need for a shower. She needed to wash away the feel of his hands, the scent of him that haunted her. Checking again on Kirk, who still slept soundly, Meghan went into the bathroom for a long, hot shower.
As she stood beneath the spray of water as hot as she could tolerate, she wished some of the heat of the water could penetrate to warm the cold bleakness of her heart. She scrubbed at her skin with strawberry-scented soap, knowing despite her efforts it would take a long time before Seth’s scent would banish itself from her mind, from her heart.
After her shower, she dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and returned to the kitchen where she poured herself another cup of coffee.
Kirk wailed from the bedroom, indicating he was awake and ready to begin a new day. At least Kirk had gained a father, she thought as she went to get her son.
Kirk had gained a father and she had lost the love of her life.
She had just fed Kirk breakfast and was nursing her last cup of coffee for the morning when the doorbell rang. She opened the door to see Rose, clad in one of her trademark dusters and an overcoat. She carried an electric casserole in front of her.
“Happy New Year,
” Rose exclaimed merrily as she breezed past Meghan and headed for the kitchen.
“Come on in,” Meghan said dryly, closing the door and quickly following the older woman.
Rose greeted Kirk and set the casserole on the table. “Where’s Steve?” she asked. “Don’t tell me that man is still in bed?”
“No, he’s not in bed. He’s gone. And his name isn’t Steve, it’s Seth.”
“I knew it!” Rose exclaimed triumphantly. “I had a feeling all along he was the handsome devil you’d been married to.”
She moved the casserole from the table to the counter and plugged it in. “I hope he won’t be gone long. These black-eyed peas are ready to eat any time. And everyone knows you have to eat black-eyed peas to bring you good luck in the new year.” She turned and smiled at Meghan.
Meghan burst into tears.
“Oh dear. Come and sit down,” Rose guided Meghan to one of the chairs at the table, patting her back until she was seated. Rose sat opposite her and waited a moment for Meghan to compose herself.
“Mama,” Kirk said and offered her a tentative smile.
“It’s okay, honey. Mama’s fine.” Meghan swiped at her tears, not wanting to upset her son. She got up and handed him several little plastic trucks, then returned to her seat at the table.
“Now, talk to me,” Rose demanded. “You look like a woman who definitely needs to talk.”
And Meghan did need to talk. She told Rose about her childhood, about her father’s job and her mother’s fear.
When she explained to Rose what had torn her and Seth’s marriage apart almost two years earlier, she told her Seth worked as a consultant to a large firm who dealt with war-torn countries. It was Seth’s cover for his real job.
“His work takes him around the world, in places where he is in imminent danger,” she explained. “After we got married, I didn’t want him doing that anymore. I wanted him to take a safe job that would keep him with me forever.” Meghan sighed and swallowed the tears that filled the back of her throat. “I love him, but I can’t live with him and live the same kind of fear I did when I was a child.”
“And he refuses to quit his work,” Rose observed.
Meghan nodded. “He loves what he does. But I realize now he was right about one thing. My mother did me a disservice. As the adult, she should have never burdened me with the weight of her fear. She should have never shared adult concerns with a child.”
“Did your father know how frightened she was when he went to work?” Rose asked curiously.
Meghan frowned, thinking back in time. “I don’t think so.” Every morning her mother greeted her father at the front door and never said a word about the fear that had gripped her while he was gone.
Funny, Meghan had forgotten about those mornings when her father would arrive home and he and her mother would hug with the joy of love and reunion.
“And she never asked your father to quit his job.”
Meghan looked at Rose in surprise. “No, I’m sure she didn’t.” Meghan knew in her heart that her mother had never asked her dad to quit his job. Even though she had been racked by fear each time he left for work, she’d never tried to take the job away from him. Instead, her mother had rejoiced every day when he returned.
Had Meghan been wrong to expect Seth to give up all that he was?
Rose reached across the table and patted Meghan’s hand. “Oh, honey, I hope things work out for you and Seth. I saw the way that man looked at you. Hopefully the two of you will figure it all out. I’ve never seen two people who belong together like you and Seth.”
Rose stood and pointed at the casserole. “Eat some of those peas. I’ll come back and collect my pot later.” With these final words, she whirled out of the kitchen and a moment later Meghan heard the sound of the front door closing as Rose left.
The two of you will figure it all out.
Rose’s optimistic words echoed in her head. Meghan knew that wasn’t going to happen. It was too late now. She’d let Seth slip away once again.
She had no idea when he might return. They hadn’t discussed a routine visitation schedule and she knew with Seth’s job a normal schedule would never work.
She knew what would probably happen was that he would occasionally just show up on her front porch, ready to see his son. And she would accommodate him as well as she could, because he loved Kirk, and Kirk loved him.
And Meghan loved him and whether they were married or not, she would always worry about him, wonder about him. She’d been foolish to think that if he quit his job, they could live happily ever after. She’d been foolish to believe that Seth could survive being less than what he was.
She’d allowed her childhood to rule her future instead of allowing her heart full rein. She wanted Seth now and forever, whether he was a SPEAR field agent or a garbage collector. And it broke her heart that this realization came too late.
Seth was gone…and she had no idea when she’d see him again. She had no idea if he’d survive the mission he was now on. Tears suddenly blurred her vision, hot tears of immense regret.
She loved Seth and wanted him in her life without concessions. She’d take him however she could have him. She’d learn to deal with his job. The tears spilled down her cheeks as she realized what a stupid fool she’d been.
Seth had left here knowing there was no chance for the two of them. So there was no reason for him to return to her. By the time he finally came back to visit Kirk, he would have put her firmly out of his mind, moved on as they both had said they needed to. He’d no longer love her.
Too late.
She’d come to her senses too late.
The next twenty-four hours passed in agony for Meghan. She spent every moment that she could at her computer in her home office, checking all her sources, delving into places she shouldn’t be in an effort to learn what had happened in Madrileño.
Nothing. No news to indicate anything had happened. What was going on? Was Simon in Madrileño? Was Seth there now? Had there been a raid? Was Seth all right?
The agony of not knowing kept her awake that night. She tossed and turned, praying for Seth’s safety. Although she knew she’d blown any chance she had for Seth to be a permanent part of her life, she just needed to know that he was okay.
Her worry pulled her from her bed before dawn the next day. She stood at the kitchen window, staring out at the snow that had begun to fall. Had it only been a week ago that she and Seth and Kirk had played in the snow? Had it only been a week ago that Seth had given her a nightgown fit for a bride?
Had it only been a little over two weeks since she’d gotten out of her car and seen him on the front porch? A tiny flare of hope had filled her then, hope that maybe…just maybe…he was there because he needed her, loved her.
And he had…but now all hope was gone.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and went into her office to boot up her computer, hoping there would be some news of what might have happened in the little republic of Madrileño.
It was noon when she saw the first news release that indicated a huge drug bust had taken place. An unspecified amount of heroin had been taken into custody by the Madrileño military and all the responsible parties were also in custody.
“Yes,” Meghan whispered, knowing the bust had been a SPEAR operation, but since for all intents and purposes SPEAR didn’t exist, the local military would take responsibility.
She scanned the article quickly, but there was no information on how many might have been injured or killed in the operation.
Seth. Her heart cried his name over and over again, hoping, praying that he was all right. By evening, the reports of the huge drug bust made the U.S. world news. Still, details were far too sketchy to put Meghan’s mind at ease.
That night, after putting Kirk to bed, she took a shirt from the spare room closet and put it on. The shirt, one of Seth’s flannel ones, still retained the scent of him and she pulled it close around her as she snuggled on the sof
a in front of a blazing fire.
In the flames of the fire she saw all that might have been had she come to her senses sooner. She saw Seth, green eyes shining with laughter…eyes darkened with desire. She saw him with Kirk, the intense fatherly love transforming Seth’s features from handsome to utterly irresistible.
The doorbell rang and she knew it was probably Rose come to deliver more goodies. She had come over the night before bearing still-warm brownies, and had mentioned that she intended to bake some chocolate chip cookies today. It was as if the old woman thought sweets and chocolate might help ease Meghan’s heartache.
Meghan pulled open the door to see Seth. His face was drawn with exhaustion, a shadow of whiskers darkening his chin, but his eyes burned with energy. “We have to talk,” he said without preamble. He swept past her, bringing with him the scent of the cold.
Meghan closed the door, her heart singing with joy. He was okay. He was safe. But her joy was tempered with concern. Something was wrong. She’d seen the look in his eyes that spoke of trouble.
She followed him into the living room, gasping as he twirled around and grabbed her shoulders. “We got him.” His voice radiated with success. “We got him and he’s now in custody of the Madrileño military. Simon is finished.”
“Seth, I’m so glad.” She wanted to wrap her arms around him and tell him she didn’t care what he did as long as he loved her, as long as they could live together, raise Kirk as a family. But the words refused to come as Seth stared at her, frightening her with the intensity of his gaze.
“What’s wrong, Seth?” she finally asked. Maybe the two days he’d been gone had been enough for him to realize he didn’t really love her at all. Maybe he’d returned to tell her he’d made a mistake, wasn’t cut out to be a father, would grant her initial wish and stay out of their lives forever.
“Sit down, Meghan.” He guided her over to the sofa where she sank down into the cushions.
He walked over to the fireplace and added a log to the dying embers. He picked up the poker and stirred and poked until flames once again danced merrily. He returned the poker to the stand, but continued to stand before the blaze.
Strangers When We Married Page 17