And you’re not even that open with me right now. For as charming and playful as you can be, I still feel like I had to pull your teeth to learn about Kathryn. And I barely know anything about Tyus and Dumbbell… like, say, that guy’s real name.
So it’s not going to work, is it?
“Do you feel the same way?”
I bit my lip, raised my shoulders, and slowly exhaled.
“It’ll take some effort,” I said. “A night like tonight doesn’t help.”
“No, no, it doesn’t,” Petey said. “But it’s OK. There will be more good nights than bad nights.”
But anyone who had been in a relationship knew how couples went through bad times spoke much more to their chances of success than their good nights. Anyone could laugh and giggle during a funny story or a pleasant moment. How did people handle bad times?
Jason and I handled it by not handling it. We withdrew. We fizzled out. When we got divorced, both of us expressed some surprise that it hadn’t happened yet.
Petey seemed to handle it by running to the problem, but ignoring everything else along the way. I had no doubt that his contributions to the Savage Kings were useful and beneficial—but I also had no doubt that I would all but be forgotten when he pulled such stunts.
And now, here I was, doing the same thing as before. I was withdrawn. I wasn’t telling the truth. That had to change.
“Listen, I really need some sleep,” he said. “But I promise I’ll be in touch later. We can grab dinner tonight or tomorrow, depending on what the club needs. OK?”
There you go again. We have to adjust to the club.
“OK,” I said.
He came over and kissed me on the lips. I didn’t resist, but I can’t exactly say that I took him in like I had last night. I think Petey picked up on it, but like me, he chose not to address the tough issue.
“Sleep well, Petey,” I said.
He nodded to me, gave me a short smile, and then headed out the door. I waited until I heard the engine of his bike propel him out of the parking lot and down the street. When I felt sure that he was closer to his destination than he was to me, I pulled out my phone, typed out a message, and hit send before I could reconsider.
Naturally, as soon as I reread it, I wondered if I had made the right choice.
“Hey Petey, I wish I’d had the courage to say this in person, but I don’t think we will work out. Your focus is on the club and I don’t want to take away from it. Good luck.”
3
Petey
The bike ride made me recognize that Anna and I had a lot of things to work on.
But fortunately, she seemed like the kind of woman who would be willing to put in the time and effort to make it work. I didn’t have much doubt about her being willing to have conversations and help me figure out what we needed to do. Right now, I couldn’t turn my attention from the club, but just because the Anarchists were around didn’t mean we couldn’t make it work.
Though I normally would have headed home, I instead headed for the shop. If I needed to, I could sleep on Brock’s bed or on the couch. I had privileges as an officer and as Petey that others didn’t.
Brock saw me first when he walked in.
“Everything all good with the lady?” he asked as he sipped on what looked like some coffee.
“Yeah, just saw her,” I said as I pulled out my phone to see if I’d missed any messages. “It’ll be tough, but…”
My voice trailed off when I read her message. I read it three times just to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood what she had said, but there was no mistaking what she was saying.
We were done.
We’d had a marvelous streak, but we were done.
If that’s the case… why the fuck couldn’t you have just told me that at your place? Why did you have to be a fucking coward and wait until I drove off?
“Petey?”
“Yeah, scratch that,” I said. “Anna’s actually a weak woman. I don’t fucking need her.”
“Petey!”
I stormed past Brock and into the meeting room, shutting the door behind me. I took a seat, shook my head, and slammed the table with both fists.
“Fuck!” I roared.
How could I have thought that someone so scared to say the truth and have the hard conversations would be someone useful for me? Anna had Kathryn’s same level of energy, but she did not have her ability to have the tough conversations. I felt so fucking stupid for falling for someone purely on the basis of looks and energy.
What a fucking joke I was. What a fucking idiot I was for thinking that we could have been anything special. What a fucking stupid-ass, retarded, dipshit idiot—
“Petey,” Brock said, swinging the door open.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re also a terrible liar.”
He shut the door behind him slowly.
“It’s one of the reasons I value you being in this club. You don’t get caught up in politics. You just tell the truth as you see it, even if you know that it’ll cost you some brownie points.”
I pursed my lips, rubbed my cheeks with my hands, and leaned forward.
“What do you want to say?” I said. “That I should be like you and Heather? That because you two survived your fight, I should try and make it work too?”
“No,” he said. “I’m not going to say that.”
He sat down across from me.
“What I am going to say, though, is if you knew why I let you go have the date night with her, even though we were in the middle of a hunt for the Anarchists.”
I wasn’t in the mood for these types of questions.
“Because… you had the manpower, I don’t know.”
“Because I saw how chipper and upbeat you were the last couple of weeks with her around.”
I leaned back in my chair, exhaling through my nose.
“She made you happy and gave you a spark. You’ve always been quiet and even-keeled, but I sometimes wondered if that was too much so. You seemed content to let ennui take over, especially after Kathryn’s death. I saw you act like you were married again, even if you two had just met each other. I wanted to give you the chance to dive into that.”
“Cool,” I said with a sarcastic laugh. “Doesn’t change the fact that she can’t handle me being in the club. If she can’t do that, doesn’t matter what else there is.”
“Yes, true. But who says she has to handle the club? Who says…”
He stopped when he saw my expression of annoyance and disbelief.
“Look, my point is, she made you fucking thrilled with everything. I haven’t seen anyone do that for you, and it’s not like we’re lacking for hot women around here. So… just consider it, OK?”
I rolled my eyes.
“I’ll consider not moping around here right now,” I said. “We need to remember Dumbbell and Tyus, not my very casual and very short fling with Anna.”
Brock knew better than to fight back. Aside from his brother, I wasn’t sure there was anyone who knew him better than me, and I knew that he wasn’t going to push the issue with me.”
“Just, think about it.”
With that, he stood up and went back to the door.
“We’re setting up funeral arrangements for this weekend,” he said. “In the meantime, you should get some sleep. You look tired as fuck.”
* * *
I stood before the grave of Tyus Bolden. Everyone else had already departed the funeral and had gone to the reception. Club members would meet real family members, friends would mingle with friends from other walks of life, and laughs, tears, and alcohol would flow freely. It was a chance to remember a good man for the good things he had done, and to briefly pretend he hadn’t entered a lifestyle that either kicked you to the curb in retirement or killed you before you got there.
It could have been me, I thought.
There really wasn’t a ton of difference between Tyus and me. We both were on the quieter side of things, prefer
ring to let the wisdom of experience teach the young members more than our words. We were happy to confirm certain things for members, but we preferred to keep our mouths shut when in doubt.
We were both in our thirties. I think Tyus owned a home, though I had no idea what he was going to do with that. He didn’t talk much about his personal life; not many of us did. If something like Brock’s situation happened, where the chance for public love came out, then it was something that we knew of, but otherwise, we didn’t talk about each other’s love life.
Shockingly, men who loved motorcycles, beer, and pussy weren’t exactly keen on discussing emotions with much frequency.
But now, Tyus would never be able to have those conversations.
It could have been me.
It could have been me who would never be able to love again. To be able to laugh, kiss, hug, fuck, and cry again. It could have been me who would never be able to get into these spots again.
Had Tyus met Anna, would they be mourning me right now? Would Tyus be standing before my grave, trying to figure out what had happened with Anna? Or would he have the smarts to recognize there was no going back to it?
It could have been me.
But it’s not. So what are you going to do about it? What is it that you really want?
I want her.
But I didn’t think I could get her. Anna wasn’t a toy on Amazon that I needed to save money for; Anna wasn’t a destination that I needed enough gas to get to. Anna was a human being who probably wasn’t very interested in seeing me right now. It wasn’t like I had broke up with her and was having a change of heart. She’d been the one to dump me.
Because she saw your violent side. She saw your sweet side, sure, but the most recent thing is the violence. She sees the death and how you put the club first.
Is there a way that you could show her a path to being 1B and the club being 1A?
I’m never putting the club behind a woman. But if there’s a way I could make it so…
I recalled how, in an attempt to get the club more integrated with our women, Kathryn and I had planned a major cookout for the 4th of July. That had fallen apart following her diagnosis, but the interest from the club and their significant others had been there. It wasn’t out of the question that such an event could take place and be successful.
Still…
I had to take the step. Even though Anna had broken up with me, I was the one who had made the decisions to compel her to leave. It was on me to try and make the effort to get her back in.
I patted the tombstone of Tyus, muttering, “thanks, bud,” before walking away. I would never forget Tyus and Dumbbell, but I couldn’t spend any more time remembering them. Their names were etched in my skull, yes, but in order to be the best man I could for the club, I couldn’t spend my time reminiscing on people who weren’t there.
People who can never be there again.
But that’s not necessarily true for one person…
I pulled out my phone when I got to my bike. I bit my lip. This had better not blow up in my face.
At least if she says no, you know that you’ll never have to worry about her again.
“Hey, Anna,” I wrote. “You were right to break up with me because I put the club first. But I’d like to meet you again. I’ve done some reflection. Can you at least hear me out?”
I hit send. I looked at the reception going on at the funeral home a few hundred feet away. I put my feet over the bike.
If you’re going to put the club and her up first together, you can’t put the club away.
I hopped off the bike, left my phone under the seat, and headed in to mourn and celebrate with the rest of my brothers.
4
Anna
“Yeah, just, whatever you need to do to make the glass fit.”
“So you don’t have a preference—”
“Nope!” I said with a broad smile.
The contractor set to repair my glass had many questions for me, none of which were of particular importance to me. The most important thing was getting the glass installed, not on if I wanted heat to get in or not. I happily answered all of his questions, but for the most part, I just wanted him to get to the point.
“I need to go do some office work, but just let me know if you need anything else!”
As soon as I left the repairman, my giddy smile dropped and I felt the pain of being alone come settling back in. Pain was a bit of a strong word, but even now, even five days after my breakup with Petey, there was still a bit of a withdrawal. That was doubly true considering he had never responded to me.
I knew it was childish of me, but I just didn’t understand why he couldn’t have at least acknowledged the breakup text with something like “OK.” That wouldn’t have been ideal, and it would have left me wondering if I was anything to him, but it would have made me feel better than just ghosted silence. But he was a biker in an MC; I guess that was just part of the deal.
And I guess being single for the rest of my life in Romara was also part of the deal.
OK, that was a little extreme. I knew eventually I’d find someone. But right now… yeah, I wasn’t feeling very optimistic about my prospects.
I put my phone down by the the desk and pulled up my emails. I had a few emails of support from the members who recommended holding more classes outdoors. I had one that wanted to cancel their membership, claiming they didn’t feel safe in this town and were moving away. I really didn’t have an argument to the contrary; if I could have afforded a studio in a larger place, I might have just followed her out the door.
My phone buzzed, but I ignored it as I answered the email. It was just a text, so it could wait. But then it buzzed again, and with some annoyance, I grabbed it.
Even though the two texts were from a number that I hadn’t yet saved in my phone, I knew immediately who they were from. I read the first one, but the second one was what really caught my eye.
“Let’s do it as soon as we can. Just let me know. I’m going into a funeral reception and will be back in a bit if I don’t respond.”
The fact that he almost sounded desperate and pleading seemed so unlike the Petey from before. Maybe I was misreading it, but it felt like he was yearning for another chance. Maybe he had come to a proper conclusion.
If nothing else, I could have at least a cup of coffee.
* * *
And so it was that, a few days later, on a Sunday evening after my classes, I found myself at the biggest coffee joint in town, City Brewing Coffee, sitting outside, waiting for Petey to show up.
I had no expectations for today other than that the two of us would have as honest a dialogue as possible. I was going to try my best to be honest and straightforward without hiding anything or being withdrawn. From Petey, I needed to see that he was willing to put me further ahead.
I knew he had a chance when he showed up on his bike, because the sight produced a lot of pleasant feelings. It had been over a week since he had spent the night at my place—to put the term loosely—but even now, I still had feelings for him as he pulled up and walked over.
“Hey,” I said, a smile forming on my face.
“Hello.”
We were both curt, perhaps waiting for one to open the metaphorical door to a deluge of conversation, but the smiles were there.
“How have you been?”
“Fine.”
Oh, God, I’m falling into this awkward pleasant small talk bit. We just need to get right to it.
“So, Petey,” I said, sitting down. “What’s going on? You said you’ve done some reflection. What has said reflection led to?”
“Well, first, this is the Anna I like,” he said.
It was tempting to say the Anna he liked was the naked one, but I didn’t think such humor was quite appropriate yet. Even if it did make me smile, visible for him to see.
“I would just say… after Tyus’ death, I thought about us. You said that I put the club first, and I would agree with th
at. But then I thought, what if I just show that you and the club are one and the same? I know early in a relationship, it probably wouldn’t be fair to put everything on equal footing, nor would I expect you to put me above your work. But down the road… well, you know? Maybe we could throw club events and you could get to know everyone. Or I could introduce you to the girlfriends and wives of the rest of the club. So that way, you don’t feel excluded.”
It was a step in the right direction… but unfortunately, the threshold for which I crossed over to welcoming Petey back wasn’t even close to being met. It was, actually, pretty far away.
“That’s nice,” I said. “But can I explain myself?”
Petey nodded, the smile on his face fading as he realized it wouldn’t be as easy as one simple statement.
“I come from an upbringing where family is first and family is everything,” I said. “And yes, I understand that right now, we’re still new, we don’t know each other that well, and we need time. But if you’re going to tell me I’ll never be more than an equal to the club… that’s what bothers me. It’s selfish, I know, but I’m also selfishly concerned about you. Your friends die in your job. I don’t want to date someone only to have them die! I can’t imagine what you went through with your wife, and I don’t want to have to actually go through it.”
I almost said her name, but I knew it was a raw subject. I kept myself from blurting out anything too inappropriate. At the same time, I got a little distracted when a couple of motorcyclists drove by without the Savage Kings logo on them. Petey didn’t have any reaction, though, so I didn’t either.
“You know I can’t quit the club.”
“You can’t? Or you choose not to?”
Petey sighed. I think both of us were slowly starting to realize that this wasn’t going to be as pleasant or easy a conversation as we might have hoped at the start.
Darkened Souls Page 2