by Derrick Rose
But my mom was like, “This crying that you’re doing, I ain’t trying to hear that. Figure it out.”
It just got real. When I was younger, everything that I dreamed for I got in some type of way. It wasn’t a perfect path to get to where I got, but somehow I got there. Even picking the schools. I thought I was going to North Carolina. I ended up going to a small school, Memphis, and it still worked itself out. So when this happened it was like, “I have to restart everything.” That’s what I was thinking at the time. Not thinking I could use that time to sharpen myself or elevate myself, and just raise my vibration. I wasn’t thinking like that. I was thinking just basketball. And I think that’s why it changed me, because when I started thinking that way, I would isolate myself, and I’d think I can do everything myself.
I know some people said I shouldn’t have been playing late in that Philadelphia game, that we were winning by a lot, I’m playing too much after being out here and there. Hey, I was the one who made that reckless move. I was going across the middle and I made the jump stop and I was passing the ball to the corner. There was no point making the jump stop. I could have hit him or brought the ball back. Collapse and go corner. I was too wild.
I heard that people said Thibs played me too much. I can’t blame it on Thibs. He didn’t control that. He didn’t make me do that. I made that decision to still be in the game. Shit happens, that’s how I looked at it.
It’s all about how you come out of it. And how you learn from it, from the experience. I learned from it. I think I’m a better player now, really. I didn’t know how to manage a game then. I feel like I know how to manage a game now, work better with teammates. I’m a totally different player, a different person. The thing I was missing after Cleveland and going to Minnesota was opportunity.
Thibs, we never talked about it, the injury. How could I blame that on him? I did the jump stop, I did the moves. I didn’t have to do that. That’s what I mean about being reckless. Why the fuck did I do that move? It’s late in the game, we were up. Why? That’s what I’m saying. Just doing some crazy, unnecessary shit, reckless, running around, you see what happened.
At first I was blaming myself. But I got to thinking and I began to eventually realize the reason for maybe why I’m here, the culture of people struggling, and the importance of being a symbol. Everybody’s struggling. Things that go wrong. Everyone has problems. It’s about how you react and come out of it. That’s why I feel people can relate to me. No reason I shouldn’t struggle, too. Before then I was living in a fairy tale or something like that. When that injury happened, I remember my mind clicking and thinking about the future, like, “Damn, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna get through this with this only my third year?” Thibs is kind of just like I am. He don’t let nobody in until he trusts you. He showed me he trusted me. We had a close relationship. Still do. But that was the change. It was because it just made everything real.
That’s where karma comes in for me. That’s maybe what you’d say is my religion, what I believe in—my mom, too. She taught me that. She never yelled. Her thing is never giving up, no matter how hard it’s going. She’d say some stuff she went through and try to get me to relate to it and try to get me to see it from her point of view. Hear her perspective on it. That’s why I talk about karma.
My mom is in her sixties. She had two knee replacements and she never played sports. People laugh at me because of my injuries, but then I see my mom go through that and I’m like, “Y’all gonna go through that, too.” That’s how I feel. Everybody who laughed at me about my injuries, you all got your own thing. There’s a timer on it. Are you gonna manage it right? I know God prepped me to be able to learn about my body—how to lose weight, what my body composition is. I know now about all that. Are you prepped for it, for what’s coming for you? That’s what I wanna ask them.
My mom had two knee replacements off just living. That’s something I could relate to, sort of. She never really watched basketball. She only watched it because of the kids. We don’t talk about hoops and sports like that because that’s not her world. So we had something in common with our injuries. I’ll say my legs hurt and she’ll crack a joke to me. We laugh about it, our knee injuries.
I feel like you get what you put out; that’s what I mean about karma. The energy you put out is the energy you receive. My mom talked to me about that. She always believed in it. I’ve never seen her mistreat anyone. If she cursed someone out, I felt like they deserved it. But she’d mostly bite her tongue. I treat people like I would want to be treated. That’s from Mom. She always emphasized that. I always gave because Mom, she gives. We love seeing people happy. It could be small things, we just wanna be there. It’s biblical, also. I believe in energy. You get what you give.
* * *
Look, I didn’t get hurt in a club. I didn’t get hurt in a car accident, riding a motorcycle, snowboard. I got hurt at work! But I think it kind of matured me. Slowed me down, too. All these injuries. It happened to slow me down and give me some time to really enjoy living. I felt like I didn’t enjoy my younger years the way that I should have.
I don’t have a religion I live and die for. But some of them, I love their principles. My faith is really that I believe in a higher power. I believe in treating others right. I believe in the 10 Commandments. I believe in karma. I believe in good vibrations. I believe in the spiritual life. I believe in all that—I take a little bit from almost every religion.
Really, all religions are about patience. Just how you’re gonna have patience in certain instances. You’re gonna have struggles in your life. How are you gonna deal with it? Like with the media in Chicago after the ACL. I was mad the way I was being treated, but I handled it all wrong. I handled that situation with a hood-type mentality where I was fighting against it instead of just playing the game. I didn’t grow. In interviews it was, “No!” I wasn’t elaborating on my answers.
“Why should I?” That’s what I was thinking. “Why should I elaborate on my answers when you don’t deserve it?” I’d show them. “Why should I give you any good side of me? Period.” And that was the wrong reaction because that meant they won. That’s what you realize and learn—it was another thing I learned from all this. That’s just not me. Maybe a little like LeBron when he did his TV show to tell everyone he was going to Miami. You react, but then you look back and realize that’s not you. I feel at the time it stunted my growth. It sounds crazy, but that’s another reason why all this was good for me, really saved my life, saved my career.
I was never as happy as I am now.
I never really miss being that guy I was before the ACL. I know I’m not him and never can be again, which is fine with me. Because that guy comes with not knowing who he really is. I feel like if I would have stayed on that path, I would have ended up being someone like Bobby Fischer, where I would have isolated myself, maybe for good. Because I’d be obsessed with the greatness. I’ve always been obsessed with that. I love hearing stories—or just looking up people and reading their stories—about how far people push themselves and how far they made it. It’s something I can relate to, what people push themselves to. Like Bruce Lee—I’ve read tons about how he pushed beyond the limits.
I found out through all this who I really am. It made me learn who I am as a man. It made me more curious to see what else is out there. Try to learn as much as I can. Self-educate myself. I love to read history, the amazing things African American people did that no one realizes, things they were inventing, discovering, overcoming. I’ve always been fascinated with history. At the time I didn’t know the word for it, but I remember saying they “just kept going.” As a kid, I didn’t know the word was “perseverance.” They kept going. They didn’t quit.
Like the way I was growing up in Chicago. That’s one of the reasons why Chicago is also my story. As a kid, you are brought up to not back down. Hit ’em back. Hit ’em back right now. You don’
t let nobody hit you again. But I wasn’t that aggressive type of dude. That wasn’t my character. I always gave people respect because I wanted it back. I was losing who I was with who I was becoming. The injury was like a wake-up call for me.
What I also learned is that it’s just a sport, just a game, just something to keep you entertained. And it so happened that I was fit for that system. Like being a pawn. And, of course, it’s only momentary even though you aren’t thinking like that. You find that out. I felt like if I didn’t get injured they were gonna ride it out on me, too. You see what they’re doing with Steph Curry right now? I mean, a couple years ago, Steph is everything. Then it’s Kevin Durant to the team. You would’ve thought they were handing the league over to Steph when he won the MVPs. But what happened? Injuries. It’s the circus. It’s the next young act.
Perseverance. That’s what made Kobe who he is. That’s why I admired him so much. You know you’re not gonna be number one in the league forever, but to be 14 years in and still be number six or whatever he still was? Not holding guys off, but playing through adversity. All this going on in the league, Kobe played through everybody’s greatest—LeBron, Tracy McGrady, Garnett. And he went through a lot of stuff off the court. Kept going. You can just tell he had the discipline to be that good.
When BJ talked to me about how much revenue I was bringing into the city my rookie year, I started to get it. We’re going over stuff about the Boston playoff series in my rookie year. I never thought anything about that. I was only thinking it was artists who had that impact, musicians who come in for a concert or something. I wasn’t thinking of myself as one of those people. They were the people I went to see. This was about the team. You get what I’m saying? It’s about everyone.
But I’m realizing Kobe comes to town—you think fans come to see Kwame Brown or Kobe? You start looking around the stadium, start seeing what jerseys they have on. It all opened my eyes to see what was going on. You’re a kid brought up like I was, just hoopin’, big games, trips out of the city, but just basketball. You want to be one of them guys, but you don’t think it’s you.
It all began to make me more aware. It was way more than a game. I’m happy I got to experience that when I was younger, but then just as glad it ended. I would have been a screwed-up individual. I wouldn’t have cared about people’s feelings. I would have blamed everything on them. I would have just said, “You’re a distraction, you’re hurting me.” All me, me, me. When you think about greats—Bruce Lee, Bobby Fischer—they got caught up.
Same with me back then. How much I stayed in the gym. That was what I could be confident about. I don’t brag or boast, celebrate basketball like that. None of that. But as far as my work ethic and how much I put into it, nobody can tell me. The more successful I would have been, the hungrier I’d get. I would have wanted more.
So I don’t regret anything that happened. Really don’t. It’s kind of cool looking back at it because the player that I am about to become, people are gonna see, “Damn, he totally changed his game.” And even if my story doesn’t reach a lot of people, the people that do stumble on my story when I’m gone or whatever, I hope they’ll be able to relate with how hard I worked and what is important.
I think about what I call the hoop matrix. I was caught in it. When I was in that matrix, that’s why I would say a statement like, “Why can’t I be MVP of this league?” It was my second year and you had to be saying, “What the hell is he talking about?” Then I went and did it. It all fell into place because I played well enough and everything was working around me.
The media, the hype, all that, they go with whoever is winning. Now I really was all in. Then when I tore my ACL, I asked my mom, “Why? I just don’t get it. Why, why, why?”
And now, being a little older and looking back at it and seeing how far I came from it, seeing how much I grew, now I do get it. I’ve really got a chance to change these kids’ mindsets. Consider the area I’m from—South Side Chicago, Englewood. At the time one of my goals was to be a billionaire. I really was saying that to people. But I’ve changed. Now I wanna do something where I can someday start a foundation and have people work in the foundation and I’ll be there for the foundation. It’s still basketball for me now, but when it’s time, I want it to be me there all the time. I want to be fully invested in whatever I do.
A lot of the kids out here where I’m from, they don’t get that much love. It’s a lot of stuff that plays out in kids’ lives. I want these kids to know that we need every one of them. We love them. I want these kids to stop thinking selfishly because the way they’re thinking, it’s like a video game, like they are in a game that don’t love them back. And at the end of the day, who gets hurt is your family.
Kids need to learn—just be patient. Everybody wants it now. That’s why I’m trying to stay away from Instagram. Social media makes you impatient.
I was 20 thrust into this world. Didn’t know anything about my finances. Didn’t know about trusts or wills, options, equities in bonds, media. I didn’t know any of that. How are you supposed to? Thrust into it—an introvert, don’t know shit about money. Don’t know nothing about the league. Just want to hoop. Got a pure love of basketball. Good, bad, keep it moving. I’m having so much success.
But I didn’t enjoy it. The MVP? Off to the side. Didn’t cherish it. I don’t remember a night when I went to eat with my family. None of that. Rookie of the Year? I was supposed to get that. “Okay, got the MVP. Let’s see if I can get another one.” It was too fast—which I wanted, but it wasn’t enjoyable like I thought it would be. I was just putting everything to the side because I felt like, “I’ve got 15 more years of this.” So just keep racking these up. I was locked in, but I was turning into this narcissistic person, trapped, stuck in that matrix.
There’s only a few who are able to do both, the Michael Jordans, the Allen Iversons, able to party the same way that they played. That candle is gonna burn out on one end. I saw a lot of people burn out that way. I was trying to lock in and it was making me crazy. The ACL was the beginning of the end of all that.
3
I lived in a crack house growing up. The little bungalow house on Paulina, 7305. That’s part of why I act the way I act sometimes. I remember taking crack pipes to my grandmother and asking her, “What’s this?” She would grab it from me quick. I’m thinking I did something wrong. I thought it was a pipe and it was still burning, so I’m taking it to her thinking, “Get it before it explodes.”
In the house, they were stealing things from me. They stole my ring, my baby ring. It had a P on it for “Pooh.” They stole my Home Alone walkie-talkie thing to record the voices and all that. Stole it. I’m looking for it for like two years as a kid. Two years, imagine that. Thought I put it somewhere. They—uncles—were selling my toys, yo-yos, and Giga Pets.
There were maybe 10, 11 people living there. Mom’s brothers, one of their wives, their cousins, my cousins, brothers, grandmother. The house was a four-bedroom house, but we were tucked into five or six little spaces all over. Pretty much anywhere you go upstairs, it would turn into a bedroom. Someone can go in there, sleep on the couch or something. The little walkways upstairs, that’d be a room. A little closet, but you could kind of fit, that’d be a room.
I was sleeping in the same bed with my mom before high school. There wasn’t enough space. And, yeah, I was just more comfortable around my mom. By that time my brothers were already older. They were already moving around the neighborhood. You know how it is, they’re not gonna have their little brother following them around. So most of the time I was by myself.
It was a crazy household, and I wonder sometimes if I have post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. Things were happening all the time. Like my cousin Keondra, she was always getting into fights. Usually winning. She was the tough one. She had the good sneakers, the new Jordans, all the time. When I was little, I used to take them to wear sometimes i
f there was a big game, because she had the ones with the tread. So I’d squeeze into them.
She used to get into fights in the neighborhood, so there were numerous occasions where I was playing out in the street or playing on the block and you see like four cars pull up in front of your crib and people jumping out with bats and guns. So as a kid, I could be anywhere in the house and I hear someone, like my cousins playing upstairs, wrestling, I hear them fall or bump when they’re wrestling. But because of some of those fights outside, I used to think it was somebody coming in to get my cousin. So I’d run upstairs every time and hide. Thinking that somebody’s breaking in. My heart’s beating fast as shit. I’m thinking, “Damn, they’re coming back.”
She’s in Chicago now. Doing good. But I also remember one of my friends with this older guy, they’re in a car and the older guy says he’s got to do a hit. But he ends up killing my friend, and he shot my other friend in the neck, but my friend got away because he pretended to be dead. Gang stuff. Stuff you just had to grow up with because it was around you in my neighborhood. You’re not a part of it, but it’s all around. You can try to stay away, but how do you really get away?
I know people are going to say it’s because of the people there, the African Americans doing all this killing, that they don’t care about anything. But that’s the quiet racism nobody talks about, the racism they started, the racism that leads to all this. It’s 2019 and you would think that as people, we would grow. Especially since it’s been so long since slavery has been around.
Everyone likes to act like we’re progressing in America, we’re great. How can that be great? How can you be great when you can’t confront your truth? The truth is you mistreat people. The truth is you tell people if you work hard and get a diploma you’re gonna be gifted this opportunity of a lifetime, but a lot of people don’t get the opportunity no matter what. They don’t get the chance to even put a foot in that door.