Poe, Edgar Allen - The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe

by Volume 01-05 (lit)

  Spanish cloak. -- His head was stuck full of sable hearse-plumes,

  which he nodded to and fro with a jaunty and knowing air; and, in his

  right hand, he held a huge human thigh-bone, with which he appeared

  to have been just knocking down some member of the company for a

  song.

  Opposite him, and with her back to the door, was a lady of no whit

  the less extraordinary character. Although quite as tall as the

  person just described, she had no right to complain of his unnatural

  emaciation. She was evidently in the last stage of a dropsy; and her

  figure resembled nearly that of the huge puncheon of October beer

  which stood, with the head driven in, close by her side, in a corner

  of the chamber. Her face was exceedingly round, red, and full; and

  the same peculiarity, or rather want of peculiarity, attached itself

  to her countenance, which I before mentioned in the case of the

  president -- that is to say, only one feature of her face was

  sufficiently distinguished to need a separate characterization:

  indeed the acute Tarpaulin immediately observed that the same remark

  might have applied to each individual person of the party; every one

  of whom seemed to possess a monopoly of some particular portion of

  physiognomy. With the lady in question this portion proved to be the

  mouth. Commencing at the right ear, it swept with a terrific chasm to

  the left -- the short pendants which she wore in either auricle

  continually bobbing into the aperture. She made, however, every

  exertion to keep her mouth closed and look dignified, in a dress

  consisting of a newly starched and ironed shroud coming up close

  under her chin, with a crimpled ruffle of cambric muslin.

  At her right hand sat a diminutive young lady whom she appeared to

  patronise. This delicate little creature, in the trembling of her

  wasted fingers, in the livid hue of her lips, and in the slight

  hectic spot which tinged her otherwise leaden complexion, gave

  evident indications of a galloping consumption. An air of gave

  extreme haut ton, however, pervaded her whole appearance; she wore in

  a graceful and degage manner, a large and beautiful winding-sheet of

  the finest India lawn; her hair hung in ringlets over her neck; a

  soft smile played about her mouth; but her nose, extremely long,

  thin, sinuous, flexible and pimpled, hung down far below her under

  lip, and in spite of the delicate manner in which she now and then

  moved it to one side or the other with her tongue, gave to her

  countenance a somewhat equivocal expression.

  Over against her, and upon the left of the dropsical lady, was seated

  a little puffy, wheezing, and gouty old man, whose cheeks reposed

  upon the shoulders of their owner, like two huge bladders of Oporto

  wine. With his arms folded, and with one bandaged leg deposited upon

  the table, he seemed to think himself entitled to some consideration.

  He evidently prided himself much upon every inch of his personal

  appearance, but took more especial delight in calling attention to

  his gaudy-colored surtout. This, to say the truth, must have cost him

  no little money, and was made to fit him exceedingly well -- being

  fashioned from one of the curiously embroidered silken covers

  appertaining to those glorious escutcheons which, in England and

  elsewhere, are customarily hung up, in some conspicuous place, upon

  the dwellings of departed aristocracy.

  Next to him, and at the right hand of the president, was a gentleman

  in long white hose and cotton drawers. His frame shook, in a

  ridiculous manner, with a fit of what Tarpaulin called "the horrors."

  His jaws, which had been newly shaved, were tightly tied up by a

  bandage of muslin; and his arms being fastened in a similar way at

  the wrists, I I prevented him from helping himself too freely to the

  liquors upon the table; a precaution rendered necessary, in the

  opinion of Legs, by the peculiarly sottish and wine-bibbing cast of

  his visage. A pair of prodigious ears, nevertheless, which it was no

  doubt found impossible to confine, towered away into the atmosphere

  of the apartment, and were occasionally pricked up in a spasm, at the

  sound of the drawing of a cork.

  Fronting him, sixthly and lastly, was situated a singularly

  stiff-looking personage, who, being afflicted with paralysis, must,

  to speak seriously, have felt very ill at ease in his unaccommodating

  habiliments. He was habited, somewhat uniquely, in a new and handsome

  mahogany coffin. Its top or head-piece pressed upon the skull of the

  wearer, and extended over it in the fashion of a hood, giving to the

  entire face an air of indescribable interest. Arm-holes had been cut

  in the sides, for the sake not more of elegance than of convenience;

  but the dress, nevertheless, prevented its proprietor from sitting as

  erect as his associates; and as he lay reclining against his tressel,

  at an angle of forty-five degrees, a pair of huge goggle eyes rolled

  up their awful whites towards the celling in absolute amazement at

  their own enormity.

  Before each of the party lay a portion of a skull, which was used as

  a drinking cup. Overhead was suspended a human skeleton, by means of

  a rope tied round one of the legs and fastened to a ring in the

  ceiling. The other limb, confined by no such fetter, stuck off from

  the body at right angles, causing the whole loose and rattling frame

  to dangle and twirl about at the caprice of every occasional puff of

  wind which found its way into the apartment. In the cranium of this

  hideous thing lay quantity of ignited charcoal, which threw a fitful

  but vivid light over the entire scene; while coffins, and other wares

  appertaining to the shop of an undertaker, were piled high up around

  the room, and against the windows, preventing any ray from escaping

  into the street.

  At sight of this extraordinary assembly, and of their still more

  extraordinary paraphernalia, our two seamen did not conduct

  themselves with that degree of decorum which might have been

  expected. Legs, leaning against the wall near which he happened to be

  standing, dropped his lower jaw still lower than usual, and spread

  open his eyes to their fullest extent: while Hugh Tarpaulin, stooping

  down so as to bring his nose upon a level with the table, and

  spreading out a palm upon either knee, burst into a long, loud, and

  obstreperous roar of very ill-timed and immoderate laughter.

  Without, however, taking offence at behaviour so excessively rude,

  the tall president smiled very graciously upon the intruders --

  nodded to them in a dignified manner with his head of sable plumes --

  and, arising, took each by an arm, and led him to a seat which some

  others of the company had placed in the meantime for his

  accommodation. Legs to all this offered not the slightest resistance,

  but sat down as he was directed; while tile gallant Hugh, removing

  his coffin tressel from its station near the head of the table, to

  the vicinity of the little consumptive lady in the winding sheet,

  plumped down by her side in high glee, a
nd pouring out a skull of red

  wine, quaffed it to their better acquaintance. But at this

  presumption the stiff gentleman in the coffin seemed exceedingly

  nettled; and serious consequences might have ensued, had not the

  president, rapping upon the table with his truncheon, diverted the

  attention of all present to the following speech:

  "It becomes our duty upon the present happy occasion" --

  "Avast there!" interrupted Legs, looking very serious, "avast there a

  bit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye all are, and what business

  ye have here, rigged off like the foul fiends, and swilling the snug

  blue ruin stowed away for the winter by my honest shipmate, Will

  Wimble the undertaker!"

  At this unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the original company

  half started to their feet, and uttered the same rapid succession of

  wild fiendish shrieks which had before caught the attention of the

  seamen. The president, however, was the first to recover his

  composure, and at length, turning to Legs with great dignity,

  recommenced:

  "Most willingly will we gratify any reasonable curiosity on the part

  of guests so illustrious, unbidden though they be. Know then that in

  these dominions I am monarch, and here rule with undivided empire

  under the title of 'King Pest the First.'

  "This apartment, which you no doubt profanely suppose to be the shop

  of Will Wimble the undertaker -- a man whom we know not, and whose

  plebeian appellation has never before this night thwarted our royal

  ears -- this apartment, I say, is the Dais-Chamber of our Palace,

  devoted to the councils of our kingdom, and to other sacred and lofty

  purposes.

  "The noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, our Serene Consort.

  The other exalted personages whom you behold are all of our family,

  and wear the insignia of the blood royal under the respective titles

  of 'His Grace the Arch Duke Pest-Iferous' -- 'His Grace the Duke

  Pest-Ilential' -- 'His Grace the Duke Tem-Pest' -- and 'Her Serene

  Highness the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.'

  "As regards," continued he, "your demand of the business upon which

  we sit here in council, we might be pardoned for replying that it

  concerns, and concerns alone, our own private and regal interest, and

  is in no manner important to any other than ourself. But in

  consideration of those rights to which as guests and strangers you

  may feel yourselves entitled, we will furthermore explain that we are

  here this night, prepared by deep research and accurate

  investigation, to examine, analyze, and thoroughly determine the

  indefinable spirit -- the incomprehensible qualities and nature -- of

  those inestimable treasures of the palate, the wines, ales, and

  liqueurs of this goodly metropolis: by so doing to advance not more

  our own designs than the true welfare of that unearthly sovereign

  whose reign is over us all, whose dominions are unlimited, and whose

  name is 'Death.'

  "Whose name is Davy Jones!" ejaculated Tarpaulin, helping the lady by

  his side to a skull of liqueur, and pouring out a second for himself.

  "Profane varlet!" said the president, now turning his attention to

  the worthy Hugh, "profane and execrable wretch! -- we have said, that

  in consideration of those rights which, even in thy filthy person, we

  feel no inclination to violate, we have condescended to make reply to

  thy rude and unseasonable inquiries. We nevertheless, for your

  unhallowed intrusion upon our councils, believe it our duty to mulct

  thee and thy companion in each a gallon of Black Strap -- having

  imbibed which to the prosperity of our kingdom -- at a single draught

  -- and upon your bended knees -- ye shall be forthwith free either to

  proceed upon your way, or remain and be admitted to the privileges of

  our table, according to your respective and individual pleasures."

  "It would be a matter of utter impossibility," replied Legs, whom the

  assumptions and dignity of King Pest the First had evidently inspired

  some feelings of respect, and who arose and steadied himself by the

  table as he spoke -- "It would, please your majesty, be a matter of

  utter impossibility to stow away in my hold even one-fourth part of

  the same liquor which your majesty has just mentioned. To say nothing

  of the stuffs placed on board in the forenoon by way of ballast, and

  not to mention the various ales and liqueurs shipped this evening at

  different sea-ports, I have, at present, a full cargo of 'humming

  stuff' taken in and duly paid for at the sign of the 'Jolly Tar.' You

  will, therefore, please your majesty, be so good as to take the will

  for the deed -- for by no manner of means either can I or will I

  swallow another drop -- least of all a drop of that villainous

  bilge-water that answers to the hall of 'Black Strap.'"

  "Belay that!" interrupted Tarpaulin, astonished not more at the

  length of his companion's speech than at the nature of his refusal --

  "Belay that you tubber! -- and I say, Legs, none of your palaver! My

  hull is still light, although I confess you yourself seem to be a

  little top-heavy; and as for the matter of your share of the cargo,

  why rather than raise a squall I would find stowageroom for it

  myself, but" --

  "This proceeding," interposed the president, "is by no means in

  accordance with the terms of the mulct or sentence, which is in its

  nature Median, and not to be altered or recalled. The conditions we

  have imposed must be fulfilled to the letter, and that without a

  moment's hesitation -- in failure of which fulfilment we decree that

  you do here be tied neck and heels together, and duly drowned as

  rebels in yon hogshead of October beer!"

  "A sentence! -- a sentence! -- a righteous and just sentence! -- a

  glorious decree! -- a most worthy and upright, and holy

  condemnation!" shouted the Pest family altogether. The king elevated

  his forehead into innumerable wrinkles; the gouty little old man

  puffed like a pair of bellows; the lady of the winding sheet waved

  her nose to and fro; the gentleman in the cotton drawers pricked up

  his ears; she of the shroud gasped like a dying fish; and he of the

  coffin looked stiff and rolled up his eyes.

  "Ugh! ugh! ugh!" chuckled Tarpaulin without heeding the general

  excitation, "ugh! ugh! ugh! -- ugh! ugh! ugh! -- ugh! ugh! ugh! -- I

  was saying," said he, "I was saying when Mr. King Pest poked in his

  marlin-spike, that as for the matter of two or three gallons more or

  less of Black Strap, it was a trifle to a tight sea-boat like myself

  not overstowed -- but when it comes to drinking the health of the

  Devil (whom God assoilzie) and going down upon my marrow bones to his

  ill-favored majesty there, whom I know, as well as I know myself to

  be a sinner, to be nobody in the whole world, but Tim Hurlygurly the

  stage-player -- why! it's quite another guess sort of a thing, and

  utterly and altogether past my comprehension."

  He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity. At the name

  Tim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name seats.<
br />
  "Treason!" shouted his Majesty King Pest the First.

  "Treason!" said the little man with the gout.

  "Treason!" screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.

  "Treason!" muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up.

  "Treason!" growled he of the coffin.

  "Treason! treason!" shrieked her majesty of the mouth; and, seizing

  by the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin, who had

  just commenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur, she lifted

  him high into the air, and let him fall without ceremony into the

  huge open puncheon of his beloved ale. Bobbing up and down, for a few

  seconds, like an apple in a bowl of toddy, he, at length, finally

  disappeared amid the whirlpool of foam which, in the already

  effervescent liquor, his struggles easily succeeded in creating.

  Not tamely, however, did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture of

  his companion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the valiant

  Legs slammed the door down upon him with an oath, and strode towards

  the centre of the room. Here tearing down the skeleton which swung

  over the table, he laid it about him with so much energy and good

  will, that, as the last glimpses of light died away within the

  apartment, he succeeded in knocking out the brains of the little

  gentleman with the gout. Rushing then with all his force against the

  fatal hogshead full of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin, he rolled it

  over and over in an instant. Out burst a deluge of liquor so fierce

  -- so impetuous -- so overwhelming -- that the room was flooded from

  wall to wall -- the loaded table was overturned -- the tressels were

  thrown upon their backs -- the tub of punch into the fire-place --

  and the ladies into hysterics. Piles of death-furniture floundered

  about. Jugs, pitchers, and carboys mingled promiscuously in the

  melee, and wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles of

  junk. The man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot-the little