Poe, Edgar Allen - The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe

by Volume 01-05 (lit)

  Aristaeus declares upon his honour as a gentleman, opened at last her

  gates to Psammetichus, after having barred them for the fifth part of

  a century....

  "Thou wretch! -- thou vixen! -- thou shrew!" said I to my wife on the

  morning after our wedding; "thou witch! -- thou hag! -- thou

  whippersnapper -- thou sink of iniquity! -- thou fiery-faced

  quintessence of all that is abominable! -- thou -- thou-" here

  standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat, and placing my mouth

  close to her ear, I was preparing to launch forth a new and more

  decided epithet of opprobrium, which should not fail, if ejaculated,

  to convince her of her insignificance, when to my extreme horror and

  astonishment I discovered that I had lost my breath.

  The phrases "I am out of breath," "I have lost my breath," etc., are

  often enough repeated in common conversation; but it had never

  occurred to me that the terrible accident of which I speak could bona

  fide and actually happen! Imagine -- that is if you have a fanciful

  turn -- imagine, I say, my wonder -- my consternation -- my despair!

  There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely deserted

  me. In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense of

  propriety, et le chemin des passions me conduit -- as Lord Edouard in

  the "Julie" says it did him -- a la philosophie veritable.

  Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree the

  occurence had affected me, I determined at all events to conceal the

  matter from my wife, until further experience should discover to me

  the extent of this my unheard of calamity. Altering my countenance,

  therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed and distorted appearance,

  to an expression of arch and coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a

  pat on the one cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without saying one

  syllable (Furies! I could not), left her astonished at my drollery,

  as I pirouetted out of the room in a Pas de Zephyr.

  Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearful

  instance of the ill consequences attending upon irascibility --

  alive, with the qualifications of the dead -- dead, with the

  propensities of the living -- an anomaly on the face of the earth --

  being very calm, yet breathless.

  Yes! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my breath was

  entirely gone. I could not have stirred with it a feather if my life

  had been at issue, or sullied even the delicacy of a mirror. Hard

  fate! -- yet there was some alleviation to the first overwhelming

  paroxysm of my sorrow. I found, upon trial, that the powers of

  utterance which, upon my inability to proceed in the conversation

  with my wife, I then concluded to be totally destroyed, were in fact

  only partially impeded, and I discovered that had I, at that

  interesting crisis, dropped my voice to a singularly deep guttural, I

  might still have continued to her the communication of my sentiments;

  this pitch of voice (the guttural) depending, I find, not upon the

  current of the breath, but upon a certain spasmodic action of the

  muscles of the throat.

  Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some time absorbed in

  meditation. My reflections, be sure, were of no consolatory kind. A

  thousand vague and lachrymatory fancies took possesion of my soul --

  and even the idea of suicide flitted across my brain; but it is a

  trait in the perversity of human nature to reject the obvious and the

  ready, for the far-distant and equivocal. Thus I shuddered at

  self-murder as the most decided of atrocities while the tabby cat

  purred strenuously upon the rug, and the very water dog wheezed

  assiduously under the table, each taking to itself much merit for the

  strength of its lungs, and all obviously done in derision of my own

  pulmonary incapacity.

  Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I at length heard

  the footsteps of my wife descending the staircase. Being now assured

  of her absence, I returned with a palpitating heart to the scene of

  my disaster.

  Carefully locking the door on the inside, I commenced a vigorous

  search. It was possible, I thought, that, concealed in some obscure

  corner, or lurking in some closet or drawer, might be found the lost

  object of my inquiry. It might have a vapory -- it might even have a

  tangible form. Most philosophers, upon many points of philosophy, are

  still very unphilosophical. William Godwin, however, says in his

  "Mandeville," that "invisible things are the only realities," and

  this, all will allow, is a case in point. I would have the judicious

  reader pause before accusing such asseverations of an undue quantum

  of absurdity. Anaxagoras, it will be remembered, maintained that snow

  is black, and this I have since found to be the case.

  Long and earnestly did I continue the investigation: but the

  contemptible reward of my industry and perseverance proved to be only

  a set of false teeth, two pair of hips, an eye, and a bundle of

  billets-doux from Mr. Windenough to my wife. I might as well here

  observe that this confirmation of my lady's partiality for Mr. W.

  occasioned me little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lackobreath should admire

  anything so dissimilar to myself was a natural and necessary evil. I

  am, it is well known, of a robust and corpulent appearance, and at

  the same time somewhat diminutive in stature. What wonder, then, that

  the lath-like tenuity of my acquaintance, and his altitude, which has

  grown into a proverb, should have met with all due estimation in the

  eyes of Mrs. Lackobreath. But to return.

  My exertions, as I have before said, proved fruitless. Closet after

  closet -- drawer after drawer -- corner after corner -- were

  scrutinized to no purpose. At one time, however, I thought myself

  sure of my prize, having, in rummaging a dressing-case, accidentally

  demolished a bottle of Grandjean's Oil of Archangels -- which, as an

  agreeable perfume, I here take the liberty of recommending.

  With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir -- there to ponder upon

  some method of eluding my wife's penetration, until I could make

  arrangements prior to my leaving the country, for to this I had

  already made up my mind. In a foreign climate, being unknown, I

  might, with some probability of success, endeavor to conceal my

  unhappy calamity -- a calamity calculated, even more than beggary, to

  estrange the affections of the multitude, and to draw down upon the

  wretch the well-merited indignation of the virtuous and the happy. I

  was not long in hesitation. Being naturally quick, I committed to

  memory the entire tragedy of "Metamora." I had the good fortune to

  recollect that in the accentuation of this drama, or at least of such

  portion of it as is allotted to the hero, the tones of voice in which

  I found myself deficient were altogether unnecessary, and the deep

  guttural was expected to reign monotonously throughout.

  I practised for some time by the borders of a well frequented marsh;

  -- herein, however, having no reference to a similar proceeding of

  Demost
henes, but from a design peculiarly and conscientiously my own.

  Thus armed at all points, I determined to make my wife believe that I

  was suddenly smitten with a passion for the stage. In this, I

  succeeded to a miracle; and to every question or suggestion found

  myself at liberty to reply in my most frog-like and sepulchral tones

  with some passage from the tragedy -- any portion of which, as I soon

  took great pleasure in observing, would apply equally well to any

  particular subject. It is not to be supposed, however, that in the

  delivery of such passages I was found at all deficient in the looking

  asquint -- the showing my teeth -- the working my knees -- the

  shuffling my feet -- or in any of those unmentionable graces which

  are now justly considered the characteristics of a popular performer.

  To be sure they spoke of confining me in a strait-jacket -- but, good

  God! they never suspected me of having lost my breath.

  Having at length put my affairs in order, I took my seat very early

  one morning in the mail stage for --, giving it to be understood,

  among my acquaintances, that business of the last importance required

  my immediate personal attendance in that city.

  The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the uncertain twilight the

  features of my companions could not be distinguished. Without making

  any effectual resistance, I suffered myself to be placed between two

  gentlemen of colossal dimensions; while a third, of a size larger,

  requesting pardon for the liberty he was about to take, threw himself

  upon my body at full length, and falling asleep in an instant,

  drowned all my guttural ejaculations for relief, in a snore which

  would have put to blush the roarings of the bull of Phalaris. Happily

  the state of my respiratory faculties rendered suffocation an

  accident entirely out of the question.

  As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach to the

  outskirts of the city, my tormentor, arising and adjusting his

  shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner for my civility.

  Seeing that I remained motionless (all my limbs were dislocated and

  my head twisted on one side), his apprehensions began to be excited;

  and arousing the rest of the passengers, he communicated, in a very

  decided manner, his opinion that a dead man had been palmed upon them

  during the night for a living and responsible fellow-traveller; here

  giving me a thump on the right eye, by way of demonstrating the truth

  of his suggestion.

  Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine in company),

  believed it their duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising

  physician, too, having applied a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and found

  me without breath, the assertion of my persecutor was pronounced a

  true bill; and the whole party expressed a determination to endure

  tamely no such impositions for the future, and to proceed no farther

  with any such carcasses for the present.

  I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the "Crow" (by

  which tavern the coach happened to be passing), without meeting with

  any farther accident than the breaking of both my arms, under the

  left hind wheel of the vehicle. I must besides do the driver the

  justice to state that he did not forget to throw after me the largest

  of my trunks, which, unfortunately falling on my head, fractured my

  skull in a manner at once interesting and extraordinary.

  The landlord of the "Crow," who is a hospitable man, finding that my

  trunk contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little trouble he

  might take in my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon of his

  acquaintance, and delivered me to his care with a bill and receipt

  for ten dollars.

  The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced operations

  immediately. Having cut off my ears, however, he discovered signs of

  animation. He now rang the bell, and sent for a neighboring

  apothecary with whom to consult in the emergency. In case of his

  suspicions with regard to my existence proving ultimately correct,

  he, in the meantime, made an incision in my stomach, and removed

  several of my viscera for private dissection.

  The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This idea I

  endeavored to confute, kicking and plunging with all my might, and

  making the most furious contortions -- for the operations of the

  surgeon had, in a measure, restored me to the possession of my

  faculties. All, however, was attributed to the effects of a new

  galvanic battery, wherewith the apothecary, who is really a man of

  information, performed several curious experiments, in which, from my

  personal share in their fulfillment, I could not help feeling deeply

  interested. It was a course of mortification to me, nevertheless,

  that although I made several attempts at conversation, my powers of

  speech were so entirely in abeyance, that I could not even open my

  mouth; much less, then, make reply to some ingenious but fanciful

  theories of which, under other circumstances, my minute acquaintance

  with the Hippocratian pathology would have afforded me a ready

  confutation.

  Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners remanded

  me for farther examination. I was taken up into a garret; and the

  surgeon's lady having accommodated me with drawers and stockings, the

  surgeon himself fastened my hands, and tied up my jaws with a

  pocket-handkerchief -- then bolted the door on the outside as he

  hurried to his dinner, leaving me alone to silence and to meditation.

  I now discovered to my extreme delight that I could have spoken had

  not my mouth been tied up with the pocket-handkerchief. Consoling

  myself with this reflection, I was mentally repeating some passages

  of the "Omnipresence of the Deity," as is my custom before resigning

  myself to sleep, when two cats, of a greedy and vituperative turn,

  entering at a hole in the wall, leaped up with a flourish a la

  Catalani, and alighting opposite one another on my visage, betook

  themselves to indecorous contention for the paltry consideration of

  my nose.

  But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to the

  throne of Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as the

  cutting off his nose gave Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so the loss

  of a few ounces of my countenance proved the salvation of my body.