Poe, Edgar Allen - The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe

by Volume 01-05 (lit)

  wisdom that, when a great plague raged at Athens, and every means had

  been in vain attempted for its removal, Epimenides, as Laertius

  relates, in his second book, of that philosopher, advised the

  erection of a shrine and temple "to the proper God."

  LYTTLETON BARRY.

  ~~~ End of Text ~~~

  ======

  THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP.

  A TALE OF THE LATE BUGABOO AND KICKAPOO CAMPAIGN.

  _Pleurez, pleurez, mes yeux, et fondez vous en eau !_

  _La moitié ; de ma vie a mis l' autre au tombeau._

  CORNEILLE.

  I CANNOT just now remember when or where I first made the

  acquaintance of that truly fine-looking fellow, Brevet Brigadier

  General John A. B. C. Smith. Some one _did_ introduce me to the

  gentleman, I am sure - at some public meeting, I know very well -

  held about something of great importance, no doubt - at some place or

  other, I feel convinced, - whose name I have unaccountably forgotten.

  The truth is - that the introduction was attended, upon my part, with

  a degree of anxious embarrassment which operated to prevent any

  definite impressions of either time or place. I am constitutionally

  nervous - this, with me, is a family failing, and I can't help it.

  In especial, the slightest appearance of mystery - of any point I

  cannot exactly comprehend - puts me at once into a pitiable state of

  agitation.

  There was something, as it were, remarkable - yes, _remarkable_,

  although this is but a feeble term to express my full meaning - about

  the entire individuality of the personage in question. He was,

  perhaps, six feet in height, and of a presence singularly commanding.

  There was an _air distingué_ pervading the whole man, which spoke of

  high breeding, and hinted at high birth. Upon this topic - the topic

  of Smith's personal appearance - I have a kind of melancholy

  satisfaction in being minute. His head of hair would have done honor

  to a Brutus ; - nothing could be more richly flowing, or possess a

  brighter gloss. It was of a jetty black ; - which was also the

  color, or more properly the no color of his unimaginable whiskers.

  You perceive I cannot speak of these latter without enthusiasm ; it

  is not too much to say that they were the handsomest pair of whiskers

  under the sun. At all events, they encircled, and at times partially

  overshadowed, a mouth utterly unequalled. Here were the most entirely

  even, and the most brilliantly white of all conceivable teeth. From

  between them, upon every proper occasion, issued a voice of

  surpassing clearness, melody, and strength. In the matter of eyes,

  also, my acquaintance was pre-eminently endowed. Either one of such

  a pair was worth a couple of the ordinary ocular organs. They were

  of a deep hazel, exceedingly large and lustrous ; and there was

  perceptible about them, ever and anon, just that amount of

  interesting obliquity which gives pregnancy to expression.

  The bust of the General was unquestionably the finest bust I ever

  saw. For your life you could not have found a fault with its

  wonderful proportion. This rare peculiarity set off to great

  advantage a pair of shoulders which would have called up a blush of

  conscious inferiority into the countenance of the marble Apollo. I

  have a passion for fine shoulders, and may say that I never beheld

  them in perfection before. The arms altogether were admirably

  modelled. Nor were the lower limbs less superb. These were, indeed,

  the _ne plus ultra_ of good legs. Every connoisseur in such matters

  admitted the legs to be good. There was neither too much flesh, nor

  too little, - neither rudeness nor fragility. I could not imagine a

  more graceful curve than that of the _os femoris_, and there was just

  that due gentle prominence in the rear of the _fibula_ which goes to

  the conformation of a properly proportioned calf. I wish to God my

  young and talented friend Chiponchipino, the sculptor, had but seen

  the legs of Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith.

  But although men so absolutely fine-looking are neither as plenty

  as reasons or blackberries, still I could not bring myself to believe

  that _the remarkable_ something to which I alluded just now, - that

  the odd air of _je ne sais quoi_ which hung about my new

  acquaintance, - lay altogether, or indeed at all, in the supreme

  excellence of his bodily endowments. Perhaps it might be traced to

  the _manner_ ; - yet here again I could not pretend to be positive.

  There _was_ a primness, not to say stiffness, in his carriage - a

  degree of measured, and, if I may so express it, of rectangular

  precision, attending his every movement, which, observed in a more

  diminutive figure, would have had the least little savor in the

  world, of affectation, pomposity or constraint, but which noticed in

  a gentleman of his undoubted dimensions, was readily placed to the

  account of reserve, _hauteur_ - of a commendable sense, in short, of

  what is due to the dignity of colossal proportion.

  The kind friend who presented me to General Smith whispered in my

  ear some few words of comment upon the man. He was a _remarkable_

  man - a _very_ remarkable man - indeed one of the _most_ remarkable

  men of the age. He was an especial favorite, too, with the ladies -

  chiefly on account of his high reputation for courage.

  "In _that_ point he is unrivalled - indeed he is a perfect

  desperado - a down-right fire-eater, and no mistake," said my friend,

  here dropping his voice excessively low, and thrilling me with the

  mystery of his tone.

  "A downright fire-eater, and _no_ mistake. Showed _that_, I

  should say, to some purpose, in the late tremendous swamp-fight away

  down South, with the Bugaboo and Kickapoo Indians." [Here my friend

  opened his eyes to some extent.] "Bless my soul ! - blood and

  thunder, and all that ! - _prodigies_ of valor ! - heard of him

  of course ? - you know he's the man" ---

  "Man alive, how _do_ you do ? why, how _are_ ye ? _very_ glad

  to see ye, indeed !" here interrupted the General himself, seizing my

  companion by the hand as he drew near, and bowing stiffly, but

  profoundly, as I was presented. I then thought, (and I think so

  still,) that I never heard a clearer nor a stronger voice, nor beheld

  a finer set of teeth : but I _must_ say that I was sorry for the

  interruption just at that moment, as, owing to the whispers and

  insinuations aforesaid, my interest had been greatly excited in the

  hero of the Bugaboo and Kickapoo campaign.

  However, the delightfully luminous conversation of Brevet

  Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith soon completely dissipated this

  chagrin. My friend leaving us immediately, we had quite a long

  _tête-à-tête_, and I was not only pleased but _really_ - instructed.

  I never heard a more fluent talker, or a man of greater general

  information. With becoming modesty, he forebore, nevertheless, to

  touch upon the theme I had just then most at heart - I mean the

  mysterious circumstances attending the Bugaboo war - and, on my own

  part, what I conceive
to be a proper sense of delicacy forbade me to

  broach the subject ; although, in truth, I was exceedingly tempted to

  do so. I perceived, too, that the gallant soldier preferred topics

  of philosophical interest, and that he delighted, especially, in

  commenting upon the rapid march of mechanical invention. Indeed,

  lead him where I would, this was a point to which he invariably came

  back.

  "There is nothing at all like it," he would say; "we are a

  wonderful people, and live in a wonderful age. Parachutes and

  rail-roads - man-traps and spring-guns ! Our steam-boats are upon

  every sea, and the Nassau balloon packet is about to run regular

  trips (fare either way only twenty pounds sterling) between London

  and Timbuctoo. And who shall calculate the immense influence upon

  social life - upon arts - upon commerce - upon literature - which

  will be the immediate result of the great principles of electro

  magnetics ! Nor, is this all, let me assure you ! There is really

  no end to the march of invention. The most wonderful - the most

  ingenious - and let me add, Mr. - Mr. - Thompson, I believe, is

  your name - let me add, I say, the most _useful_ - the most truly

  _useful_ mechanical contrivances, are daily springing up like

  mushrooms, if I may so express myself, or, more figuratively, like -

  ah - grasshoppers - like grasshoppers, Mr. Thompson - about us and

  ah - ah - ah - around us !"

  Thompson, to be sure, is not my name ; but it is needless to say

  that I left General Smith with a heightened interest in the man, with

  an exalted opinion of his conversational powers, and a deep sense of

  the valuable privileges we enjoy in living in this age of mechanical

  invention. My curiosity, however, had not been altogether satisfied,

  and I resolved to prosecute immediate inquiry among my acquaintances

  touching the Brevet Brigadier General himself, and particularly

  respecting the tremendous events _quorum pars magna fuit_, during

  the Bugaboo and Kickapoo campaign.

  The first opportunity which presented itself, and which

  (_horresco referens_) I did not in the least scruple to seize,

  occurred at the Church of the Reverend Doctor Drummummupp, where I

  found myself established, one Sunday, just at sermon time, not only

  in the pew, but by the side, of that worthy and communicative little

  friend of mine, Miss Tabitha T. Thus seated, I congratulated myself,

  and with much reason, upon the very flattering state of affairs. If

  any person knew anything about Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C.

  Smith, that person, it was clear to me, was Miss Tabitha T. We

  telegraphed a few signals, and then commenced, _soto voce_, a brisk

  _tête-à-tête_.

  "Smith !" said she, in reply to my very earnest inquiry; "Smith

  ! - why, not General John A. B. C. ? Bless me, I thought you _knew_

  all about _him !_ This is a wonderfully inventive age ! Horrid

  affair that ! - a bloody set of wretches, those Kickapoos ! -

  fought like a hero - prodigies of valor - immortal renown. Smith !

  - Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. ! why, you know he's the

  man" ---

  "Man," here broke in Doctor Drummummupp, at the top of his voice,

  and with a thump that came near knocking the pulpit about our ears ;

  "man that is born of a woman hath but a short time to live ; he

  cometh up and is cut down like a flower !" I started to the extremity

  of the pew, and perceived by the animated looks of the divine, that

  the wrath which had nearly proved fatal to the pulpit had been

  excited by the whispers of the lady and myself. There was no help

  for it ; so I submitted with a good grace, and listened, in all the

  martyrdom of dignified silence, to the balance of that very capital

  discourse.

  Next evening found me a somewhat late visitor at the Rantipole

  theatre, where I felt sure of satisfying my curiosity at once, by

  merely stepping into the box of those exquisite specimens of

  affability and omniscience, the Misses Arabella and Miranda

  Cognoscenti. That fine tragedian, Climax, was doing Iago to a very

  crowded house, and I experienced some little difficulty in making my

  wishes understood ; especially, as our box was next the slips, and

  completely overlooked the stage.

  "Smith ?" said Miss Arabella, as she at length comprehended the

  purport of my query ; "Smith ? - why, not General John A. B. C. ?"

  "Smith ?" inquired Miranda, musingly. "God bless me, did you

  ever behold a finer figure ?"

  "Never, madam, but _do_ tell me" ---

  "Or so inimitable grace ?"

  "Never, upon my word ! - But pray inform me" ---

  "Or so just an appreciation of stage effect ?"

  "Madam !"

  "Or a more delicate sense of the true beauties of Shakespeare ?

  Be so good as to look at that leg !"

  "The devil !" and I turned again to her sister.

  "Smith ?" said she, "why, not General John A. B. C. ? Horrid

  affair that, wasn't it ? - great wretches, those Bugaboos - savage

  and so on - but we live in a wonderfully inventive age ! - Smith !

  - O yes ! great man ! - perfect desperado - immortal renown -

  prodigies of valor ! _Never heard !_" [This was given in a scream.]

  "Bless my soul ! why, he's the man" ---

  "----- mandragora

  Nor all the drowsy syrups of the world

  Shall ever medicine thee to that sweet sleep

  Which thou owd'st yesterday !"

  here roared our Climax just in my ear, and shaking his fist in my

  face all the time, in a way that I _couldn't_ stand, and I

  _wouldn't_. I left the Misses Cognoscenti immediately, went behind

  the scenes forthwith, and gave the beggarly scoundrel such a

  thrashing as I trust he will remember to the day of his death.

  At the _soirée_ of the lovely widow, Mrs. Kathleen O'Trump, I was

  confident that I should meet with no similar disappointment.

  Accordingly, I was no sooner seated at the card-table, with my pretty

  hostess for a _vis-à-vis_, than I propounded those questions the

  solution of which had become a matter so essential to my peace.

  "Smith ?" said my partner, "why, not General John A. B. C. ?

  Horrid affair that, wasn't it ? - diamonds, did you say ? -