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Poe, Edgar Allen - The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe

Page 137

by Volume 01-05 (lit)


  around about my organ of order. It was nearly a gone case with me

  then -- just touch-and-go for six weeks -- the physicians giving me

  up and all that sort of thing. But, although I suffered much, I was a

  thankful boy in the main. I was saved from being a "respectable

  hardware and commission merchant, doing a capital bit of business,"

  and I felt grateful to the protuberance which had been the means of

  my salvation, as well as to the kindhearted female who had originally

  put these means within my reach.

  The most of boys run away from home at ten or twelve years of age,

  but I waited till I was sixteen. I don't know that I should have gone

  even then, if I had not happened to hear my old mother talk about

  setting me up on my own hook in the grocery way. The grocery way! --

  only think of that! I resolved to be off forthwith, and try and

  establish myself in some decent occupation, without dancing

  attendance any longer upon the caprices of these eccentric old

  people, and running the risk of being made a genius of in the end. In

  this project I succeeded perfectly well at the first effort, and by

  the time I was fairly eighteen, found myself doing an extensive and

  profitable business in the Tailor's Walking-Advertisement line.

  I was enabled to discharge the onerous duties of this profession,

  only by that rigid adherence to system which formed the leading

  feature of my mind. A scrupulous method characterized my actions as

  well as my accounts. In my case it was method -- not money -- which

  made the man: at least all of him that was not made by the tailor

  whom I served. At nine, every morning, I called upon that individual

  for the clothes of the day. Ten o'clock found me in some fashionable

  promenade or other place of public amusement. The precise regularity

  with which I turned my handsome person about, so as to bring

  successively into view every portion of the suit upon my back, was

  the admiration of all the knowing men in the trade. Noon never passed

  without my bringing home a customer to the house of my employers,

  Messrs. Cut & Comeagain. I say this proudly, but with tears in my

  eyes -- for the firm proved themselves the basest of ingrates. The

  little account, about which we quarreled and finally parted, cannot,

  in any item, be thought overcharged, by gentlemen really conversant

  with the nature of the business. Upon this point, however, I feel a

  degree of proud satisfaction in permitting the reader to judge for

  himself. My bill ran thus:

  Messrs. Cut & Comeagain, Merchant Tailors.

  To Peter Proffit, Walking Advertiser, Drs.

  JULY 10. -- to promenade, as usual and customer brought home... $00

  25

  JULY 11. -- To do do do 25

  JULY 12. -- To one lie, second class; damaged black cloth sold for

  invisible green............................................... 25

  JULY 13. -- To one lie, first class, extra quality and size;

  recommended milled satinet as broadcloth...................... 75

  JULY 20. -- To purchasing bran new paper shirt collar or dickey, to

  set off gray Petersham..................................... 02

  AUG. 15. -- To wearing double-padded bobtail frock, (thermometer 106

  in the shade)............................................. 25

  AUG. 16. -- Standing on one leg three hours, to show off new-style

  strapped pants at 12 1/2 cents per leg per hour............. 37 1/2

  AUG. 17. -- To promenade, as usual, and large customer brought (fat

  man)..................................................... 50

  AUG. 18. -- To do do (medium size)................. 25

  AUG. 19. -- To do do (small man and bad pay)....... 06

  TOTAL [sic] $2 95 1/2

  The item chiefly disputed in this bill was the very moderate charge

  of two pennies for the dickey. Upon my word of honor, this was not an

  unreasonable price for that dickey. It was one of the cleanest and

  prettiest little dickeys I ever saw; and I have good reason to

  believe that it effected the sale of three Petershams. The elder

  partner of the firm, however, would allow me only one penny of the

  charge, and took it upon himself to show in what manner four of the

  same sized conveniences could be got out of a sheet of foolscap. But

  it is needless to say that I stood upon the principle of the thing.

  Business is business, and should be done in a business way. There was

  no system whatever in swindling me out of a penny -- a clear fraud of

  fifty per cent -- no method in any respect. I left at once the

  employment of Messrs. Cut & Comeagain, and set up in the Eye-Sore

  line by myself -- one of the most lucrative, respectable, and

  independent of the ordinary occupations.

  My strict integrity, economy, and rigorous business habits, here

  again came into play. I found myself driving a flourishing trade, and

  soon became a marked man upon 'Change. The truth is, I never dabbled

  in flashy matters, but jogged on in the good old sober routine of the

  calling -- a calling in which I should, no doubt, have remained to

  the present hour, but for a little accident which happened to me in

  the prosecution of one of the usual business operations of the

  profession. Whenever a rich old hunks or prodigal heir or bankrupt

  corporation gets into the notion of putting up a palace, there is no

  such thing in the world as stopping either of them, and this every

  intelligent person knows. The fact in question is indeed the basis of

  the Eye-Sore trade. As soon, therefore, as a building-project is

  fairly afoot by one of these parties, we merchants secure a nice

  corner of the lot in contemplation, or a prime little situation just

  adjoining, or tight in front. This done, we wait until the palace is

  half-way up, and then we pay some tasty architect to run us up an

  ornamental mud hovel, right against it; or a Down-East or Dutch

  Pagoda, or a pig-sty, or an ingenious little bit of fancy work,

  either Esquimau, Kickapoo, or Hottentot. Of course we can't afford to

  take these structures down under a bonus of five hundred per cent

  upon the prime cost of our lot and plaster. Can we? I ask the

  question. I ask it of business men. It would be irrational to suppose

  that we can. And yet there was a rascally corporation which asked me

  to do this very thing -- this very thing! I did not reply to their

  absurd proposition, of course; but I felt it a duty to go that same

  night, and lamp-black the whole of their palace. For this the

  unreasonable villains clapped me into jail; and the gentlemen of the

  Eye-Sore trade could not well avoid cutting my connection when I came

  out.

  The Assault-and-Battery business, into which I was now forced to

  adventure for a livelihood, was somewhat ill-adapted to the delicate

  nature of my constitution; but I went to work in it with a good

  heart, and found my account here, as heretofore, in those stern

  habits of methodical accuracy which had been thumped into me by that

  delightful old nurse -- I would indeed be the basest of men not to

  remember her well in my will. By observing, as I say, the strictest

  system i
n all my dealings, and keeping a well-regulated set of books,

  I was enabled to get over many serious difficulties, and, in the end,

  to establish myself very decently in the profession. The truth is,

  that few individuals, in any line, did a snugger little business than

  I. I will just copy a page or so out of my Day-Book; and this will

  save me the necessity of blowing my own trumpet -- a contemptible

  practice of which no high-minded man will be guilty. Now, the

  Day-Book is a thing that don't lie.

  "Jan. 1. -- New Year's Day. Met Snap in the street, groggy. Mem --

  he'll do. Met Gruff shortly afterward, blind drunk. Mem -- he'll

  answer, too. Entered both gentlemen in my Ledger, and opened a

  running account with each.

  "Jan. 2. -- Saw Snap at the Exchange, and went up and trod on his

  toe. Doubled his fist and knocked me down. Good! -- got up again.

  Some trifling difficulty with Bag, my attorney. I want the damages at

  a thousand, but he says that for so simple a knock down we can't lay

  them at more than five hundred. Mem -- must get rid of Bag -- no

  system at all.

  "Jan. 3 -- Went to the theatre, to look for Gruff. Saw him sitting in

  a side box, in the second tier, between a fat lady and a lean one.

  Quizzed the whole party through an opera-glass, till I saw the fat

  lady blush and whisper to G. Went round, then, into the box, and put

  my nose within reach of his hand. Wouldn't pull it -- no go. Blew it,

  and tried again -- no go. Sat down then, and winked at the lean lady,

  when I had the high satisfaction of finding him lift me up by the

  nape of the neck, and fling me over into the pit. Neck dislocated,

  and right leg capitally splintered. Went home in high glee, drank a

  bottle of champagne, and booked the young man for five thousand. Bag

  says it'll do.

  "Feb. 15 -- Compromised the case of Mr. Snap. Amount entered in

  Journal -- fifty cents -- which see.

  "Feb. 16. -- Cast by that ruffian, Gruff, who made me a present of

  five dollars. Costs of suit, four dollars and twenty-five cents. Nett

  profit, -- see Journal,- seventy-five cents."

  Now, here is a clear gain, in a very brief period, of no less than

  one dollar and twenty-five cents -- this is in the mere cases of Snap

  and Gruff; and I solemnly assure the reader that these extracts are

  taken at random from my Day-Book.

  It's an old saying, and a true one, however, that money is nothing in

  comparison with health. I found the exactions of the profession

  somewhat too much for my delicate state of body; and, discovering, at

  last, that I was knocked all out of shape, so that I didn't know very

  well what to make of the matter, and so that my friends, when they

  met me in the street, couldn't tell that I was Peter Proffit at all,

  it occurred to me that the best expedient I could adopt was to alter

  my line of business. I turned my attention, therefore, to

  Mud-Dabbling, and continued it for some years.

  The worst of this occupation is, that too many people take a fancy to

  it, and the competition is in consequence excessive. Every ignoramus

  of a fellow who finds that he hasn't brains in sufficient quantity to

  make his way as a walking advertiser, or an eye-sore prig, or a

  salt-and-batter man, thinks, of course, that he'll answer very well

  as a dabbler of mud. But there never was entertained a more erroneous

  idea than that it requires no brains to mud-dabble. Especially, there

  is nothing to be made in this way without method. I did only a retail

  business myself, but my old habits of system carried me swimmingly

  along. I selected my street-crossing, in the first place, with great

  deliberation, and I never put down a broom in any part of the town

  but that. I took care, too, to have a nice little puddle at hand,

  which I could get at in a minute. By these means I got to be well

  known as a man to be trusted; and this is one-half the battle, let me

  tell you, in trade. Nobody ever failed to pitch me a copper, and got

  over my crossing with a clean pair of pantaloons. And, as my business

  habits, in this respect, were sufficiently understood, I never met

  with any attempt at imposition. I wouldn't have put up with it, if I

  had. Never imposing upon any one myself, I suffered no one to play

  the possum with me. The frauds of the banks of course I couldn't

  help. Their suspension put me to ruinous inconvenience. These,

  however, are not individuals, but corporations; and corporations, it

  is very well known, have neither bodies to be kicked nor souls to be

  damned.

  I was making money at this business when, in an evil moment, I was

  induced to merge it in the Cur-Spattering -- a somewhat analogous,

  but, by no means, so respectable a profession. My location, to be

  sure, was an excellent one, being central, and I had capital blacking

  and brushes. My little dog, too, was quite fat and up to all

  varieties of snuff. He had been in the trade a long time, and, I may

  say, understood it. Our general routine was this: -- Pompey, having

  rolled himself well in the mud, sat upon end at the shop door, until

  he observed a dandy approaching in bright boots. He then proceeded to

  meet him, and gave the Wellingtons a rub or two with his wool. Then

  the dandy swore very much, and looked about for a boot-black. There I

  was, full in his view, with blacking and brushes. It was only a

  minute's work, and then came a sixpence. This did moderately well for

  a time; -- in fact, I was not avaricious, but my dog was. I allowed

  him a third of the profit, but he was advised to insist upon half.

  This I couldn't stand -- so we quarrelled and parted.

  I next tried my hand at the Organ-Grinding for a while, and may say

  that I made out pretty well. It is a plain, straightforward business,

  and requires no particular abilities. You can get a music-mill for a

  mere song, and to put it in order, you have but to open the works,

  and give them three or four smart raps with a hammer. In improves the

  tone of the thing, for business purposes, more than you can imagine.

  This done, you have only to stroll along, with the mill on your back,

  until you see tanbark in the street, and a knocker wrapped up in

  buckskin. Then you stop and grind; looking as if you meant to stop

  and grind till doomsday. Presently a window opens, and somebody

  pitches you a sixpence, with a request to "Hush up and go on," etc. I

  am aware that some grinders have actually afforded to "go on" for

 

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