Sam threw up his hands in frustration. “So you just give up? You don’t even try?”
Nate stood and walked up to Sam, poking a finger in his chest. “Riley is absolutely right. You’re not being rational about any of this. Are you listening to yourself? You’re talking about trying to control life, which we both know is stupid. You need to talk to someone about this and right away. You’re not thinking straight. Then call your ex-wife and tell her you’re not going to carry the blame for this anymore. She should never have put this on you.”
Sam wanted to argue with Nate. Debate the question back and forth but clearly his friend had sided with Riley.
It was becoming a pattern. First his mother, now Nate. What did that say about Sam’s case? Nothing good.
“You’ve been no fucking help at all,” Sam growled before stomping toward the front door. “I’m sorry I came here.”
“So you’re going home?” Nate asked, still smiling as if nothing was wrong in the world. “Or heading to a bar?”
Alcohol would be nice but wouldn’t solve his problem. Going home wasn’t an option, either.
“I don’t know,” Sam admitted. He felt lost and out of control. He couldn’t make people understand and he was beginning to wonder if it was because he wasn’t making any sense. “I can’t go home. Not yet.”
Maybe not ever.
“You’re welcome to stay in the guest room. But be warned that Paige probably won’t have an opinion much different than mine.”
“I’ll take my chances. She’s smarter than you.”
“And if she agrees with me?”
Paige was a wise woman. A widow and a single mother before meeting Nate, she’d been through the wringer and come out the other side, happy and healthy.
“Then I’ll think about following your advice.”
“You are such a bloody idiot.”
Sam had no evidence to dispute Nate’s claim. He’d never felt more stupid in his life than he did now. He was dug in and didn’t want to change his mind but that was the least of his worries. The one big one wouldn’t leave him alone.
What was Riley doing right now? Had she washed her hands of him? Was she making plans to go back to Florida? There was only one way forward if he wanted to be with her and have the family of his dreams. He simply wasn’t sure he was capable of it.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
After a sleepless night in Nate’s guest room, Sam sat down in the chair on the opposite side of the desk from Dr. Kate. Since this wasn’t a medical visit, they were meeting in the physician’s office and not the exam room.
“Now tell me, Sam. What brings you here today?”
Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he cleared his throat before speaking. “First off, thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I appreciate it.”
Dr. Kate nodded but didn’t respond, clearly waiting for him to get to the damn point.
“I have a few questions,” he finally said, the words not coming easily. He was already conflicted about even being here, still not ready to admit that he had a problem. “I was hoping you could help me.”
Except that deep down he knew he had an issue with his past. Admitting that was simply hard to do. If he admitted it, then he had to deal with it.
That’s why I’m here.
“I’ll do what I can to answer your questions,” Dr. Kate assured him with a cool, professional smile. “What concerns do you have?”
“I’m not sure where to begin,” he admitted with a humorless laugh. He wasn’t in the best of moods and all he wanted to do was go home to Riley and the baby. “This isn’t really about Riley’s pregnancy.”
A brow arched in question and Sam realized he’d fucked up. He should have had that second cup of coffee before coming here. “It’s not what you’re thinking. This is not about another woman.”
Shit. “Well…it is about another woman but from a long time ago. I’m asking about something that happened over fifteen years ago.”
Dr. Kate sat back in her chair and folded her hands in front of her. “How about you start at the beginning of the story? I’ll just listen and answer your questions along the way. How does that sound?”
Painful. It sounded horribly painful.
He’d been avoiding this for years. Afraid to find out that Trish had spoken the truth. Now he’d know for sure.
*
Riley slammed down her empty teacup and wished it was filled with coffee. Beautiful, deep, dark, and rich caffeinated coffee. Nectar of the gods and the one thing guaranteed to make her feel slightly more human this morning after a sleepless night.
Sam had never come home.
He was a grown man and he could take care of himself, so she wasn’t worried that he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Especially as New York City didn’t seem to have a plethora of ditches and Sam had a black Amex card so he could check into any five-star hotel in the tri-state area. She doubted he’d bunked down on a park bench last night, although she hoped whatever mattress he’d slept on last night had been lumpy. She’d spent most of the night hours pacing the floor worried about what he was thinking and what stupid thing he might do.
Paula reached for the offending cup and placed it in the sink. “Did you get any sleep last night?”
Tapping the dark patch under one eye, Riley asked, “Does it look like it?”
“Sadly…no. But I have just the solution for our rainy day blues.”
To make matters worse, the heavens had opened up about five in the morning and it was now raining cats and dogs, the sky as gray and stormy as Riley’s mood. At least she wasn’t wasting a sunny day feeling like crap.
“Did you hear from your son?”
Paula’s smile fell and she shook her head. “I’m very angry with him. I had to send him a text early this morning to tell him that he’s worrying us unnecessarily. It’s one thing to decide not to come home last night, but he should have at least sent a message to you or to me. It was very thoughtless. He did send a text back a few minutes ago that he’s fine. He stayed at Nate and Paige’s last night.”
No park bench. No ditch. Or morgue. Or emergency room.
“Did he say anything else?”
“No, but then I didn’t expect him to. He’s still in his stubborn mode and it may take a while.” Paula gestured toward the large windows, the rain dripping down the glass. “I’m not going to let you sit around here all day and brood about what my idiot son is doing. We’re going to have a spa day. You and me. I’ve made all the arrangements so don’t even think about saying no. We’re going to have a wonderful time. And Sam is going to pay for it.”
Standing, Riley set her plate in the sink. “I did a lot of thinking last night. I think that Sam is going to end things and send me back to Florida.”
Wrapping her hands around her coffee mug, Paula nodded. “You think he doesn’t have the strength to face the past? I think he does.”
“That isn’t it at all.” Riley thought the world of Sam. Possibly more than he thought of himself. “I think he has the strength but doesn’t have the will or desire. His world is comfortable and easy. Facing this, dealing with it, well…that’s hard. He never has to if he doesn’t want to. He can slide on by for the next fifty years.”
“He’s never been the one to take the easy road. He’s always been willing to do whatever is necessary. However, you have a point that so far he hasn’t had to deal with this, but that’s changed now. He can’t go on pretending he can control the fate of the world.” Paula suddenly grinned and laughed. “Especially if you two have a girl. Can you imagine those teen years? He’ll give himself a coronary trying to micromanage his daughter. I think he’s finally come up against a wall and he’s going to have to face the past. Once and for all. He’s just going to do anything and everything he can to avoid it until he can’t anymore.”
That sounded good but Riley wasn’t convinced.
“You say that he’s stubborn and I believe it. Just how long can he avoid this?”
“I don’t know,” Paula admitted with a soft sigh. “But I do know that he loves you very much. He won’t be able to stay away too long.”
Riley could only hope Paula was right. Despite being angry with Sam, she missed him.
“I just wish I could do something to help him. I feel so useless.”
“He has to do this himself. I don’t think this is something that either one of us can help him with. But I’m sure he knows that we love him and that we’re here if he needs us.”
Waiting. It wasn’t a particular skill that Riley excelled at but she needed to settle in for the long haul. Sam needed to take that all important first step. The rest she was sure they could do together.
*
Sam’s twenty minutes with Dr. Kate had been educational, but she hadn’t answered the one most important question.
“You know I can’t answer that,” she said gently, her voice low. “I don’t know enough about the circumstances and I never examined your ex-wife. It would be pure conjecture on my part, Sam.”
He swallowed hard, dislodging the lump that made it difficult to speak. All these years later he wasn’t immune when telling this story. He still felt the loss even though he’d never held the baby or heard the heartbeat.
“I only want to know if I could have saved our child.”
Such a simple, straightforward query that seemed to have no answer.
“It doesn’t work like that.” Turning in her chair, Dr. Kate motioned toward the row of file cabinets against the wall. “Those are filled with the files of my patients. I’ve delivered thousands of babies in my career. Every pregnancy is a little different, just as every woman isn’t like any other. I do understand where you’re trying to go with this, and I cannot make a definitive medical conclusion here. But I will say, Sam, that if a doctor couldn’t save the pregnancy then you probably couldn’t have, either. Getting your ex-wife to the hospital may not have made any difference at all. She could have been there for a doctor’s appointment and started to miscarry and there might not have been anything anyone could do. If the pregnancy wasn’t viable… That’s out of medical science’s hands. And out of yours.”
Disappointed, he stood, wanting to bring the conversation to a close. He was grateful that Dr. Kate had taken the time to speak to him but he wasn’t going to get the answers he sought today. She didn’t have them.
“Thank you, Doctor, for seeing me. I appreciate your time and your detailed explanations.”
Dr. Kate stood as well. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be more specific.”
What she was really saying was she was sorry she couldn’t take away his guilt. He could see it in her eyes, that sadness and pity.
“You helped. Thank you.”
She didn’t believe him but then, he wasn’t sure he believed himself. She did help in a small way, slowly but surely pushing him toward seeing his ex-wife.
Talk to Trish. Only she had the answers. A woman he hadn’t seen in over fifteen years. He didn’t even know where she lived or what she was doing.
If she still hated him.
The two choices in front of him were clear. He could go back to the condo and tell Riley he wasn’t going to do it. Let her return to Florida or whatever she decided to do. But he’d have stood his ground and not given in. That would surely be cold comfort when he was alone.
What was the saying? Pride goeth before a fall.
Sam had his share of pig-headed pride. He didn’t want that to be the reason that Riley left him.
His second option was to go talk to Trish. Not because Riley had urged him to do so but because it was something he should have done years ago. Put this all behind him. The worst thing he could find out was that he truly was responsible for Trish losing the baby and since he kind of already thought that – and had been living his life as if it were true – it couldn’t be the terrible thing he’d made it out to be. It would confirm what he’d always thought to be the case, but the sliver of doubt had been something he could hold onto. That sliver had kept him sane right after it happened.
He could lose that scrap of hope, and that was why he was so chicken shit to go see her. To ask her the questions that he needed answered. Because deep down he didn’t want to be responsible.
Jesus, he was fucked up. Pushing people away because he thought one thing but a part of him didn’t want to believe. Consequently, he’d stayed frozen in time, not moving forward or looking back. Just standing there like a statue.
And everyone knew what happened to statues. They got shit on.
He needed to speak to Trish, not because Riley or his mom wanted him to. Not because he was going to become a father. He had to do this long overdue deed for himself. So he could take a step forward and leave all of that baggage behind. It wasn’t fair to Riley to ask her to take him on for life when he was carrying a large set of luggage full of his crap past.
There was only one thing to do. See Trish. But first, he had some apologizing to do to Riley for walking out.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Riley didn’t know whether to slap or kiss Sam when he walked in the door several hours later. She was angry with him. Really, really mad. She understood the need that drove him to leave but it didn’t stop her from being royally honked off. He could have called, sent a text, or even a smoke signal over the New York City skyline. She’d been worried as hell. The only thing that kept her from going off on him right then and there was the fact that he looked far worse than he had when he’d left last night.
He looked horrible, pasty with a growth of beard and his eyes red-rimmed, as if he’d been up for days instead of one night.
“You look awful,” Paula said bluntly, her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pursed. “I’d better go make some coffee. Have you eaten?”
“Not really but I’m not all that hungry, Mom.”
“You’ll eat because you need to and I won’t hear another word about it.”
Paula strode into the kitchen, leaving Riley alone with Sam. They simply stared at one another for a minute or two before he broke eye contact and looked away. His entire body language was unsure, his shoulders slumped in defeat. It was a far cry from the confident man that she was used to seeing. Her own stomach twisted in sympathy. Just because she was mad didn’t mean that she couldn’t feel badly for him. He’d had a rough night, but then again so had she, so she wasn’t ready to fall into his arms and forgive.
She’d thrown down the gauntlet last night and started this ball rolling, but he was the one that had chosen to walk out.
“I’m sorry.”
If Riley was a better person she might let him off the hook, but sadly she wasn’t. He’d made some bad decisions along the way and he needed to own up to those.
“For?”
“Leaving the way I did,” he replied, rubbing his stubbled chin. “You were probably worried too, which I certainly don’t deserve. I am really sorry, babe. I’m all fucked up and I need to fix a few things.”
Admitting it was a start.
“Thank you for the apology. I was worried.” She gave him her best mean look and he had the good sense to look ashamed, color suffusing his pale cheeks. “Are you working on a plan to fix those things?”
“I am,” he confirmed with a nod of his head. “I know what I need to do next, anyway.”
“All by yourself?”
His eyes widened in surprise, which made her want to smack him on the forehead. He didn’t understand. Still.
“You want to help me?”
Sighing, she tried to explain. “I want to support you, Sam. You talk about wanting us to be together, be a team, but the first time we came up against a huge hurdle you walked out. You didn’t give me a chance to be a partner, did you? I love you, despite the fact that you sometimes act like an idiot, and I hope you love me even when I do something incredibly stupid as well. I want to stand by your side and help you through the bad times, not just the good ones. I know some monsters you have to face on your
own, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be there to cheer you on. I don’t want to just be there to walk the red carpets and pick up the awards. I want to be there for it all, no matter how ugly it might get.”
“This might get pretty bad.” Sam’s throat worked and he scraped his fingers through his already disheveled hair. “I need to see Trish and talk to her. She might not like that very much.”
While Riley had sympathy for the other woman she’d never met, she also felt strongly that Trish had thrown out some serious and cruel accusations. It wasn’t unfair for Sam to want to question the veracity of her claims. Even if what she said was true, and Trish still hated him, he had to find a way to forgive himself. He hadn’t hurt anyone on purpose and he’d lost a child, too. They’d both suffered, and neither one’s grief was more important than the other’s.
“I think you should. I can go with you if you like,” Riley offered, her chest tight with hope. Sam was ready to face the demons from his past. Finally. “Not to talk to her, but just to hold your hand before you do. Do you even know where she is?”
Fishing his phone out of his pocket, Sam held the screen up for her inspection. “My agent was able to track her down. She lives in Connecticut. I’ve been walking around pretty much all afternoon with her address in my pocket trying to get the courage to go see her. I promised her she’d never have to see me again.”
“You made that promise under duress.”
His smile was crooked and his chuckle humorless. “I’m not sure she’d see it that way. She seemed pretty adamant that day. But I have to do this. I know that I have to face this if I want a future with you and our baby. And I do want that. I love you more than you can possibly imagine.”
Her heart shattered into a million little pieces and then whirled around in her chest before fusing together again, this time stronger than before. This man…what was it about him that could make her feel this way? Weak and mighty at the same time. Angry and happy. But loved. So very loved.
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