“I sincerely hope this doesn’t become a habit.”
“Talking to my ex-wives? I only have one.”
She smiled, her first one of the day. It wouldn’t be her last, though. “I was talking about how you can get me to forgive you just by saying you love me. That’s going to be darn inconvenient for me if it keeps happening. I want to be mad but all I can think about is kissing you.”
Sam looked up at the ceiling, his eyes closed. “Please let that keep happening.”
Reaching for a handful of his cotton t-shirt, Riley pulled him closer. “Just kiss me.”
Their lips met and it felt like coming home after a long journey, despite the fact that it had only been less than twenty-four hours. There was promise in the kiss as well. A promise that they would try harder, work together, become that team that so far they’d only talked about. As usual, doing it was far more work.
They weren’t out of the woods yet, but Sam had taken the first tentative step. There was still much more to get through before she could call this a success. Next stop?
Trish.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
The house looked like every other suburban home in this well-to-do neighborhood. Two stories, white with black shutters, and an inviting front porch that spanned the entire front. The lawn was a lush green and the walkway from the sidewalk was lined with flowers, red and pink. Obviously cared for and loved, it was a home for a family.
Or maybe it was the blue bicycle leaning up against a wall of the open garage door that clued him in. The garage that housed a minivan.
I should have asked if Trish had remarried.
Somehow in his mind, his ex-wife had never changed from the last day he’d seen her. Frozen in time, Trish was still the young wife he’d taken for granted and left for weeks or months on end. Clearly, she’d made some changes in her life.
Double checking the address on his cell phone, he turned to Riley who had made the trip to Connecticut with him. He’d waited all week to do this, finally getting a day off from filming to make the trip. It wasn’t far from New York City but it might as well have been a million miles. This place had nothing in common with the bustling metropolis they’d left behind. It was quiet and serene, only a dog barking in the distance or the faint laughter of playing children. Even the air smelled sweeter here, not filled with exhaust fumes or the grit of Manhattan.
Sam felt out of place here. He didn’t really belong. He certainly didn’t belong on the sidewalk in front of his ex-wife’s home, but here he was.
Shaking like a leaf, barely able to draw breath. If it weren’t for this amazing woman beside him, he couldn’t have done this. He would have drifted through the rest of his life letting his past dictate his future.
Today…that stopped. It had to. He needed to face forward and look to his future with Riley. His partner.
Sam glanced at the vehicle parked at the curb, engine running but all of the windows closed. The car service driver was still sitting behind the wheel, giving the couple their privacy. Whatever they were saying, he couldn’t hear.
“Are you sure you’re okay waiting for me?”
It had been decided that she would bide her time at the coffee shop just down the road. He could call her and she could be here within a few minutes if his conversation with Trish turned contentious.
“I’m fine. They might even have some decent decaf.” Riley laid her hand on his arm. “I think the bigger question is are you going to be okay? You don’t have to do this today if you don’t want to.”
His lips twisted in self-derision. “I think we both know that the longer I put this off the more reasons I’ll find not to do it. I need to get it over with.”
Try as they might, they’d both been on pins and needles for days waiting for him to get it done. They needed some peace in their lives and the only way there ran straight through his ex-wife’s front door.
“Just call me if you need me.”
“I will.”
Riley climbed back into the car and it pulled away from the curb. He watched until the vehicle disappeared before turning back to face Trish’s home. He hadn’t called first, hadn’t wanted to hear her say she didn’t want to see or talk to him. Better to surprise her, not give her the choice. It wasn’t necessarily a kind thing to do but he’d waited to speak to her for too many years. He was bringing up parts of her past that she’d probably buried long ago but that was a luxury he hadn’t allowed himself.
Heart in his throat, he climbed her front porch steps and knocked on the door, wanting to turn and flee when he heard movement inside the home.
This is a bad idea. Run! Run for your life!
No, stay. Get this over with. Talk to her.
Indecision kept him rooted to the spot and the door swung open, revealing a woman that looked like Trish’s mother Jane. It took a moment before it dawned on his addled brain that it was Trish. A little older, but Trish. A few gray hairs and some lines around her eyes, but still the same woman he remembered.
Standing in front of him, her mouth hanging open in shock. Of course, she hadn’t been expecting him. Ever.
Her hand flew to her mouth and she made an exclaiming noise. “Oh my God, Sam. I can’t believe it’s you– I mean– It’s been so long.” Her cheeks grew pink and she stepped back from the doorway. “Come in, for heaven’s sake and tell me what you’re doing here. It’s so wonderful to see you.”
Her expression immediately turned from surprise to alarm and she grabbed his arm, her grip strong. “It’s not Paula, is it? Tell me she’s okay. Is she alright?”
Trish thought he was here to tell her Paula was sick or worse.
“She’s fine,” he assured her, his own voice unsteady. So much emotion was running through him at the mere sight of Trish. All the past came crashing down at once. The good, the bad, the funny. Things he’d forgotten but were now so clear in his mind. “She’s fine. Retired now and having a ball.”
Trish still didn’t look sure, but she’d loosened her hold on his arm. “She’s okay?”
“Healthy as a horse. She’s here in the city. You should have lunch or something.”
He didn’t know why he’d made that offer. It was laughable as they hadn’t spoken in years.
Trish blew out a breath and smiled. “I’m glad.”
Now that was over, neither seemed to know what to say. Standing awkwardly in her foyer, he was once again questioning the decision to come here.
Finally Trish spoke, her gaze on his face, seeking the reason behind his appearance. “Were you just in the neighborhood?”
For a moment – a short one – Sam thought about lying. Making up some story about how he was shooting a movie in Connecticut and he got the wild idea to visit, but when it all came down to it he couldn’t lie. He was here for a reason and that reason was sipping really awful decaf coffee a few blocks away.
His future.
Time to release the past.
“Actually…I came to see you. I know I should have called first…”
But I thought you would tell me no.
Waving him in, Trish smiled in welcome. “It’s wonderful that you’re here. Come in. Would you like a cup of coffee?”
What he really needed was a shot of Patron but he nodded in agreement and followed her through a large living room decorated in red and taupe before entering the kitchen. Trish pulled out a chair at the large table before bustling over to the half-filled coffee pot.
The kitchen was a sunny yellow, bright and cheery. Before he could stop himself, the words seemed to tumble out of their own accord.
“Your favorite color is yellow.”
She didn’t answer right away, finishing pouring his coffee first. Her smile was gentle but there was a look of surprise in her eyes. “You remembered. Do you still drink this black?”
She’d remembered, too.
“I do. Thank you.”
He accepted the steaming cup and took a sip as she sat down opposite him.
&nb
sp; “You actually timed this just right,” she said, taking a drink from her own cup. “My husband took the kids to the park and they shouldn’t be back for a little while. We’ll have some time to talk and catch up.”
Husband. Kids. Maybe her life hadn’t been ruined after all.
Still it was strange and awkward. He hadn’t even thought about a husband when he’d come up with this scheme. The last thing he wanted to do was cause problems for Trish.
“Does your husband know…?”
Shit. Was that too personal a question? Was there such a thing as too personal a question when two people had once been married?
Smiling, she nodded and laughed a little. “Dan knows, although I had to show him pictures before he believed me. He’s a big fan. The kids are, too. You’ve done well for yourself, Sam. I’m so proud of you.”
She sounded sincere and not angry at all.
His chest tightened painfully and with a shaky hand he placed his cup on the table before he dropped it. Too many emotions were running riot inside of him and he could barely contain the agony he was digging up by seeing her. He hadn’t been prepared for how much this was going to hurt. So many memories that he’d buried deep enough he’d thought to never see them again.
He had to speak, though. That’s why he was here. But he couldn’t shake the curiosity of just what had happened to her these last fifteen years or so. She wasn’t yelling and screaming at him, or kicking him out of her home. Perhaps he was forgiven. But he needed to hear her say it.
“You said you have kids?”
Her smiled widened and she clasped her hands together. He could see the pride shining in her eyes, the love, too.
“I have three. Two boys and my youngest is a girl. Jacob, Liam, and Hannah.” Her phone was sitting on the table and she reached for it, fumbling at first but then holding it up triumphantly. “Here we are at Disney World a few weeks ago on our family vacation.”
His hand trembled as he too the phone, bringing it closer. His throat closed up as he studied the five smiling faces in the photo. Trish, of course, looking happy and carefree in her Mickey ears. Her husband, a nice-looking man, although Sam wasn’t much of a judge on that. Then the three children, the oldest looking around ten or eleven. They’d all inherited Trish’s dark hair and stubborn chin.
“You have a beautiful family.”
Trish let out a shaky breath and a silvery tear ran down her cheek. She was as affected by their reunion as he was, but probably for different reasons.
“Thank you, Sam. I’m a lucky woman.”
“That’s great. Really great.”
He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected this.
“The divorce settlement made it possible for us to buy this house,” she went on to explain, her gaze running lovingly around the room. “It’s a great school district for the kids. I’ve never said thank you for that but I am very grateful. You made things so much easier for us so I want to thank you now. You didn’t have to do it but then you were always a generous man.”
“You deserved it. I know I wasn’t a great husband.”
Trish’s gaze came to rest on Sam, and her smile faded. “No, I wasn’t a good wife. I was a pretty terrible wife if the truth be told. Sam, it’s wonderful to see you, but I have to ask…why are you here? We haven’t spoken in more than fifteen years. Is everything okay?”
He didn’t understand why she would say that she wasn’t a good wife. She’d waited patiently every time he’d gone on location. Not every woman would have done that.
“I did as you asked that last night. You said you never wanted to see me again.” He was here now, though. “But I had to speak to you. I know I’m bringing up–”
“Wait,” Trish commanded, holding up her hand. “Yes, I said that and my apology is many years overdue so please let me say it. Sam, I’m sorry I ever said that. It was wrong of me and I’ve felt badly about it for so long. I should have apologized a long time ago but…I was scared and then you became famous…”
There was so much he wanted to say and he didn’t even know where to begin. He’d practiced this conversation, but it hadn’t gone like this. She hadn’t capitulated right away and apologized. Funny, but it was slightly anti-climatic. In the last few days, he’d begun to forgive himself. Her approval was good, but it was his own that was important.
She took a visibly deep breath and set her hands flat on the table in front of her. “Please let me tell my story. I know that I said some awful things that last night. Things I can’t take back, but I can say a million times how sorry I am. You didn’t deserve any of it.”
“I wasn’t there for you,” Sam protested. “I worked all the time when I should have been home.”
“No, no, no.” Trish shook her head, more tears escaping down her cheeks. She swiped at them but more took their place. Almost out of habit, Sam began to reach for her hand in comfort but then remembered that this wasn’t the past. It wasn’t his place to do that anymore and it would have made things even more awkward than they already were. They weren’t a couple and he didn’t love Trish. Sure, he cared about her and a part of him would always love her, but he wasn’t in love with her. Those feelings had died long ago. “I need to tell you the truth about that day. I told Dan before we got married and now it’s time for you to hear it, too.”
The last sentence captured his attention. “Your husband knows about this?”
Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about that but then he’d told Riley everything.
“He’s my husband.”
Trish didn’t need to explain further. Before Riley he wouldn’t have understood but he did now.
There was a long stretch of silence, but Sam couldn’t tear his gaze away from his ex-wife. It was obvious she didn’t want to discuss this. A wave of pity ran through him and he wanted to just make this easy for her. After all, he’d come for her…forgiveness? Absolution? Whatever it was, he didn’t need to draw this out and make her life hell. That wasn’t what he was trying to do here today. It was selfish enough just showing up but now she was crying and miserable.
“I just want your forgiveness, Trish. That’s what I came for today. I wanted to say that I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me. When the baby needed me. And I was hoping that you could say that you forgive me.”
If anything, that made her cry even harder. He was becoming more concerned when she scraped her knuckles across her eyes and snapped her teeth together with a click.
“I should be the one apologizing to you. You don’t owe me anything. It was never your fault that I lost the baby.”
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Sam should have felt a huge weight fall from his shoulders. His own ex-wife had said it wasn’t his fault. This was what he’d hoped for deep down inside, but the reality was he was pretty sure she was blaming herself instead. That didn’t seem all that healthy either.
“Sometimes these things just happen,” he said softly, remembering what Dr. Kate had told him. “They aren’t anyone’s fault.”
Sniffling, Trish nodded. “That’s what the doctor said. He said it wasn’t anyone’s fault and it was just nature’s way of handling things. But I felt so guilty. That’s why I lashed out at you when you showed up. I blamed you because I couldn’t handle that it might have been something I did. I shouldn’t have done it and I’ve felt so horrible about it all these years. When I said that I didn’t want to see you again I didn’t really mean it.”
“I thought you meant it.”
“I know.” Abruptly, Trish stood and walked over the roll of paper towels on the counter, yanking one off and blowing her nose. “And I understood why you wouldn’t want to see me again. I was so awful that night. So cruel and mean. I was just so scared.”
“About what?”
She dabbed at her red, swollen eyes and then wadded up the towel in her tightly curled fist.
“When you were gone, I didn’t stay home. I went out and partied with my friends on the weekends.”<
br />
That…was something Sam hadn’t known. But he wasn’t mad about it. They’d been so young so of course she’d wanted to go out with her friends.
“That’s okay. You deserved to have fun, too.”
“I went dancing that night and was out until about two in the morning. I didn’t drink or anything, but I wanted to. I really wanted to, Sam.” The tears slipped down her cheeks again. “I was so conflicted about becoming a mother. I wasn’t sure I was ready. I still wanted to go out and have a good time, dance, drink, and watch the sun come up. What kind of mother would I even be? I’d already failed at the one thing I wanted more than anything and that was to be an actress. Maybe I’d be a terrible mom, too.”
“You would have been a great mom,” Sam protested. “You were good with kids.”
She wiped at her cheeks with the now sodden towel. “I wasn’t ready, and then I had a miscarriage. I thought…I thought that maybe I’d made it happen. That my brain had somehow made my body reject the baby and I felt so guilty. So when you arrived the next day…I blamed you.”
“You blamed me.”
Three words that had set him on this course for many years.
“It even worked for a little while.” Trish came back to the table and slid into the chair. “I was able to keep my own crushing guilt at bay by convincing myself that you were the bad guy. It was all your fault. I already knew the truth. The doctor had told me that it was no one’s fault but I stubbornly hung in there, wanting to paint you as the villain. You can take the girl out of drama class but you can’t take the drama out of the girl. It was quite awhile later that I had to admit that I’d treated you terribly and owed you a huge apology. But of course, by then it was too late. You were a big star and I was sure you didn’t want to hear from me. I’m so sorry, Sam. You cannot imagine how much. I’ve thought about this day for years. Wondering what I would say if I ever ran into you. I thought about calling your agent or publicist a few times and making an appointment to talk to you, but then I’d see an interview on television and you seemed so happy. You’d moved on and I would just pull you back. I couldn’t do that to you.”
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