A flash of useless, directionless anger shot through him with the force of mortar fire, lighting up his insides. Even knowing that it wasn’t his fault…that he hadn’t known…didn’t seem to help.
When she described her labor, though, Jeff was torn between being grateful he’d missed the opportunity to see her in pain and more regret that his hadn’t been the hand she’d clung to. No, that job had fallen to Kevin Rogan. The oldest brother. The man who’d taken his first opportunity to punch Jeff dead in the face.
And damn if Jeff could find it in him to blame the guy.
“Then,” Kelly was saying, and he gave his attention back to her, “Emily was there and the doctor was holding her up like a bowling trophy.” She laughed and Jeff smiled to hear it. “And Emily, she opened her eyes and I swear, Jeff, she looked right at me. The doctor swore that she couldn’t see anything, but I know different. Emily looked at me as if asking, ‘What the heck is going on around here, Mom? What’s all the noise about?”’
He chuckled and rested his chin atop her head, seeing it all through her eyes, wishing he’d been there to see it all for himself.
“Then he laid her across my chest,” she said, her voice so soft he had to strain to hear it. “And she stared into my eyes, took hold of my finger in the tightest grip you could imagine and in that instant, she slipped right into my soul.”
Tears stung his eyes and Jeff was so surprised, he blinked frantically to keep them at bay.
A long minute passed before she sighed and told him fondly, “Kevin was crying like a baby.”
Jeff scowled at the thought of the man who clearly hated the sight of him, being the one to witness the miracle of Emily’s birth.
“He pretended he wasn’t, of course,” she was saying. “No Marine, on pain of death, would ever admit to that, but then you know that, don’t you?”
“Damn right,” he agreed, and blinked more quickly.
“I wish you could have been there,” she murmured.
A cold, tight fist squeezed his heart until it felt as though it were being wrung from his chest. “So do I, baby,” he said softly, and kissed the top of her head. In fact, he knew that for the rest of his days, he would be sorry he’d missed out on so much. It was a time that could never be recaptured. The magic couldn’t be revisited.
No. There was nothing he could do about the past.
But the present and the future were up for grabs.
His mind raced, going first in one direction, then another, trying to find places, spots where he could infiltrate Kelly’s and his daughter’s lives. He wanted—no, needed—to be involved in what was happening now.
God knew, he didn’t know anything about family life. And even less about children. But that little girl was his baby. A part of him. And he wouldn’t be denied the chance to be in her life. To have her know him. To be something more than he ever had been before.
And then it hit him.
Keeping his voice even, he asked, “Who watches Emily when you’re at work?”
She stiffened slightly in his arms, and Jeff knew she was all set to get defensive. Well, he’d just have to disarm her. Shouldn’t be any more hazardous than dealing with a land mine.
“Don’t you start, too,” she warned, her voice as stiff as her posture.
“Start what?”
“Kevin is forever giving me grief about Emily being in day care for half a day. I don’t need the two of you double-teaming me.”
“Hey, hey. Don’t shoot!”
“What?”
“Take your finger off the trigger, baby,” he said quietly, turning her in his arms again until he could look down into her eyes. No way was he going to be set alongside Kevin Rogan in her eyes as though they were a team or something. “I’m not in a position to give you grief over any decision you’ve made for Emily.”
She relaxed just a bit, but not by much. “Okay,” she said, and ducked her head briefly before looking up at him again. “But you do have more right to an opinion than Kevin.”
Damn straight, he wanted to say, but wisely, didn’t.
“I was just asking,” he said.
She nodded. “You know I teach at St. Matthew’s.”
“Yeah…” He remembered her telling him all about her class at the local Catholic school.
“Well,” she continued, “the teachers there also run a day care for the parents of students, and Emily spends her mornings there while I’m at class.” Then, as if he was going to attack, she hurried on. “It’s a wonderful setup. I can visit her at recess and naptime. The nun in charge is a lovely woman and she really loves the kids. Gives them plenty of attention.”
While she described the school and day-care center, Jeff’s mind wandered. Hell, he’d been raised mostly in a Catholic orphanage in St. Louis, so he figured he had more firsthand knowledge of how well nuns looked after children than she did. But then, Kelly wasn’t aware of most of his childhood circumstances and now wasn’t the time to give her more details.
“I’m convinced,” he said, only to slow down the rush of words. “Besides, I only wanted to know because—” Did he really want to do this? Yes, he thought. He did. “I was thinking. Maybe while I’m home on leave, I could take care of Emily while you’re at work. Give me a chance to get to know her and for her to know me.”
Kelly looked at him for a long, thoughtful minute, and he would have given plenty to know what exactly she was thinking. Then she spoke and the mystery was solved.
“You want to take care of her? Alone? By yourself?”
“Yeah,” he said, unconsciously straightening up under her steady regard. What?
“But, Jeff, you’ve told me yourself that you’ve never had much to do with kids.”
“I was one once—doesn’t that count?”
She smiled. “Do you even know anything about babies?”
“I know they can’t breathe underwater,” he said, keeping a straight face.
“Very funny.”
“I know they need to eat. They need to be changed. And they sleep a lot.”
“Uh-huh.”
She didn’t look convinced.
“Look, Kel,” he said, “how hard can it be? I’m a Marine, for God’s sake. The U.S. government trusts me with million-dollar machinery. Surely I can be trusted to spoon mashed-up bananas into my daughter’s mouth.”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I mean, of course I want you to spend time with Emily. I want her to know you. I want you to be able to see just how special she is.” Kelly laid both open palms on his chest, and he wondered if she could feel the thundering beat of his heart.
“It’s just—”
“You’re worried.”
“A little.”
“I can do this, Kelly,” he said, needing to prove to both her and himself that he was right. “Trust me.”
“I do trust you—”
“Then it’s settled?”
She chewed nervously at her bottom lip, and his gaze followed the motion. His body stirred into life as he planned on biting that lip himself. Once he had her answer.
“I guess so,” she said, forcing a smile she clearly didn’t feel.
“Excellent,” Jeff said. It didn’t matter that “I guess so” wasn’t exactly a glowing approval. He’d take what he could get. Gripping her tightly about the waist, he lifted her off her feet long enough to plant a long, satisfying kiss on the mouth that drove him to distraction. When he set her back down, she blinked up at him.
“Tomorrow morning, you’ll come over to my place, then?”
That was one way of handling the situation, he thought, but he had another way in mind. They had a long, lazy Sunday ahead of them. And if he worked this just right, he’d spend the night lying in Kelly’s bed at her house. Then he’d be there, ready to step in and care for their daughter first thing in the morning.
Still, probably a good idea if he didn’t throw his plan at her all at once.
“You bet, baby,” he said, pulling her c
lose enough that she couldn’t help but feel the rock-solid proof of how much he needed her again.
Her eyes widened, then went smoky dark, and he knew she was feeling everything he was. Good. He wanted to make himself indispensable to her over the next thirty days. He wanted to prove to her that he could be everything she and his daughter needed.
“But for now,” he pointed out, bending his head and stopping just a breath away from kissing her, “we’ve got a long Sunday with lots of hours to kill.” He leaned closer, his lips tasting, tugging at hers. “Got any ideas?”
“Oh,” she whispered, lifting her arms to encircle his neck. “A few.”
Eight
“Emily’s crying,” Kelly said, and gave Jeff a nudge.
“Hmm? What?” He came awake instantly and sat up. His gaze swept Kelly’s bedroom, and it only took a moment to remember where he was and why he was there. Oh, yeah. His plan. Well, it had worked. He’d spent the night with her at her house so that he could be on hand when Emily woke up.
Which, apparently, was now.
A cry sounded out again from the next room, and he smiled to himself.
“Go,” Kelly mumbled. “Bond.”
Swinging his legs off the bed, he jumped up, grabbed up his jeans from the crumpled heap on the floor and tugged them on. He looked at Kelly, still lying, face into her pillow, auburn curls spread across the spring-green linen, looking like a fire in a meadow.
Jeff just enjoyed the view for a long minute, relishing the simple pleasure of waking up alongside her. Damn, but it felt good. Right. His plan had worked beautifully. He, Kelly and Emily had spent most of yesterday afternoon together, with he and his daughter becoming acquainted. Thankfully, she was a happy baby, with an outgoing personality that was more her mother than her father. She simply looked at Jeff as yet another conquest, completely expecting him to adore her as everyone else did.
Naturally, he did just that. A swell of pride filled him. Emily was the brightest child he’d ever seen. Well, all right, he thought, he hadn’t been around enough children to make a real comparison. But anyone could see that she was clever and quick and so damn beautiful. She wore her heart in her eyes and every time she turned those big blue eyes on her daddy, he fell just a bit more in love with her. Her smile tugged at his heart, and her cries broke it.
Amazing really. He’d never known such all encompassing love before. Wouldn’t have believed it possible if someone had told him about it. But he guessed folks were right. You just never knew what love really was until you had a child of your own.
From the next room, his delicate flower sent up a screech of disapproval loud enough to pry one of Kelly’s eyes open. She looked up at him and without moving a muscle asked, “So are you going in to get her or what?”
“You bet, baby. I’m on my way.” But before he did, he planted one knee on the mattress, leaned over and kissed the top of Kelly’s head.
“I’d turn over and give you a real kiss,” she murmured, her words muffled by the sheets, “but I don’t want to move.”
“Later,” he said, knowing damn well that he was the reason she was so worn-out this morning. After all, it had been eighteen months since either one of them had had a marathon sex session. He grinned to himself at the memory of the long night before.
“’Kay,” she said, and closed that eye again. Climbing back off the bed, Jeff left the bedroom, closing the door behind him before going into his daughter’s nursery.
Everything a child could ever want littered the floor and was piled on the shelves lining the walls. Outside, dawn was just beginning to streak across the sky, and the pale, shadowy light was lost in the glow of the angel night light. Jeff flicked the small light off and looked into his daughter’s furious expression.
“Well, then, morning, sweet pea,” he crooned, and had the satisfaction of seeing that frown slide off her face to be replaced by a teary smile. And damn if he didn’t feel better than he would have if some General had just pinned a medal to his chest.
Emily grabbed hold of the crib rails and worked her feet frantically, trying to scale the barrier between them. He saved her the trouble. Scooping her up into his arms, he grimaced a bit at the dampness clinging to her and said, “First things first, little girl. Let’s get you a fresh set of drawers.”
She laughed and talked to him while he changed her diaper and clumsily did up the snaps on a fresh pair of pajamas. The little built-in slippers about did him in. How was a man supposed to tuck squirmy little feet into the blasted things without having the toes of the jammies turned around toward her heels?
But when the mystery was finally solved and Emily was as fresh as she was going to get, he picked her up and carried her toward the kitchen. With the warm, solid weight of his daughter against his chest, Jeff determined that the rest of their day would pass uneventfully.
“Why isn’t he answering the phone?” Kelly muttered, then pulled the receiver away from her ear to glare at it, as if this were all the phone’s fault.
“Perhaps he’s busy, dear,” Sister Mary Angela offered.
“How long does it take to pick up the phone and say, ‘Can’t talk now’?” For heaven’s sake, she’d called him an hour and a half ago and everything was fine. Where could he be? Why would he have taken Emily anywhere? And how was she going to stand being at school for another hour without finding out how things were going?
“Apparently, longer than he’s got,” the nun mused, smiling at the other woman’s obvious case of nerves. “You did want Emily’s father to be a part of her life, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but—”
“And you do trust Jeff, don’t you?”
Kelly blew out a breath. “Of course I do, Sister, it’s just that—”
“It’s just that you don’t want to share your daughter?”
A guilty flush stole over her. Was that it? Was she being jealous of Emily’s affections? No, Kelly thought. She refused to believe that. This was an honest-to-goodness, realistic worry. Her daughter was alone with her father for the first time, and he wasn’t answering the stupid phone!
“Sister Angela,” Kelly said, hanging up with another frosty look at the telephone, “Jeff’s never been around babies before and—”
“He’s an adult, Kelly. He’ll figure it out.”
“You know,” Kelly said, a rueful grin curving her mouth, “you could let me get the whole complaint out of my mouth before shooting it down.”
“No sense in wasting time, though, is there?” Sister Angela glanced at the wall clock in the school office. “Now, unless you want to try to bother your young man one more time, I’d suggest you rejoin your class. Recess is almost over.”
“Bother, huh?” Kelly asked as she headed for the door.
The school principal’s face took on the supremely patient expression she was famous for as she said, “He’s only going to be alone with Emily for four hours today, my dear. What could possibly go wrong in four miserably short hours?”
“What else can go wrong?” Jeff muttered, wiping up the flood of orange juice racing across the kitchen table. He’d never seen a kid spill so much. “Spill proof cups, my ass,” he muttered darkly as he tossed the small plastic cup into the sink. He hadn’t seen this much liquid since the last time he’d been sent overseas on flood relief.
He glanced at his daughter and wondered fleetingly how Kelly kept up with the child. Hell, it must be something God gave women that He didn’t give men. Just trying to ride herd on the little girl made him feel like he’d been on a ten-mile hike with a full pack. He was worn down to the ground. And he didn’t have to worry about doing the laundry. He’d already had to change the baby’s outfit three times in the past two hours.
But that wasn’t the half of it. She’d shoved a half-chewed teething cracker into the VCR, ripped her mother’s credit-card bill in half and chewed on the sports section of the newspaper.
And it wasn’t even noon yet.
Plus, the phone kept ringing o
ff the hook, as if he had time to worry about that. Maybe he wasn’t cut out for this, he thought and found himself thinking fondly of slopping through a swamp with a half-dozen unfriendlies hot on his tail.
Then he glanced at Emily, and his doubts melted under the beam of that smile. She kicked her legs against the slats of her high chair, crowed delightedly and finished tossing banana slices across the room like tiny Frisbees. One of them hit him square in the forehead and while Emily giggled, Jeff sighed and wondered when it was exactly he’d lost control.
The first hour or so had been great. But things had pretty much gone downhill after that. Hell, maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea. He’d never felt so damn useless in his life. Any other kind of situation, Jeff would be the man to jump in and take charge. But apparently, keeping a baby entertained was just a bit out of his reach.
“Recon, huh?” a deep voice from the back door asked.
Jeff swallowed the groan choking him and straightened up. Turning to face Kevin Rogan, he wondered just who in heaven or hell he’d ticked off lately. “Your point?” he asked.
Kevin stepped into the room, taking his Smokey Bear hat off and setting it on a relatively clean spot on the counter. “Thought you Recon guys were hot stuff.” He paused and glanced around the room. Dark brown eyebrows lifted into high arches as he whistled and shook his head. “Man, you should think about calling in air support. You’re outgunned.”
Though he’d been thinking the same thing himself only a moment ago, hearing this guy say it aloud really stuck in his craw. “I suppose you could do it better.”
His Baby! Page 7