Moving On Without You

by Kiarah Whitehead

  The whole thing seemed a lot simpler in her head, but once the conversation began she realized how ridiculous it must seem from her mother's perspective. Her school counselor had advised her to start taking the pill before sex in order to prevent pregnancy, but her mother was not going for it.

  After a day of deliberation without any change in her mind she recruited Sean to accompany her to the nearest free clinic. The billboards were posted around town, the posters were on the sides of busses, and the commercials were coming on the radio. It was worth a try. She had heard some nasty rumors about the condition of these clinics, but she did not have many other options available.

  The two friends took the city bus downtown to the nearest clinic that allowed walk-ins. Upon arrival a receptionist gave her a clipboard with a stack of papers and a pen connected by a string and rubber band. Before the paperwork was complete, they were calling her to a room in the back.

  The walls of the clinic were white and clean. It was set up a lot like her pediatrician's office, but instead of posters with the food groups and inner ear diagrams there were pictures of the male and female reproductive systems.

  Sitting on the cushioned table top with a paper gown covering her underwear she waited for a staff member to rap on the door. The door swung open to show a short, middle-aged woman extending her hand out to the girl. Tracy shook her hand and smiled back. The woman looked through her chart and asked a few questions Tracy had already checked on the sheet.

  "How many sexual partners have you had?"

  "None."

  "Why do you want birth control?"

  "I think I might have sex soon."

  The woman looked just as confused as her mother had when she asked her that question the day before. Everyone was making her feel like an idiot for protecting herself. Wasn't this the way she was supposed to do it? The nurse practitioner scribbled on the clipboard, but Tracy couldn't decipher anything from where she was sitting.

  After checking Tracy's blood pressure, heart rate, and pressing on her stomach she sat back down to write a few more notes on the chart.

  "Okay what kind of birth control would you like?"

  "What kind do you have?"

  "Well there is a whole list of contraceptives you should consider."

  The woman passed her a brochure with a table of methods along with their success rates. Tracy felt like she should have looked some of this up before coming in. She had no idea there were so many choices. How did other girls choose?

  "What do you recommend?" Tracy asked.

  "I often ask my patients this: Do you really think you can remember to take a pill at the same time every single day?"

  Up until that moment Tracy did not know you had to take the pill at the same time every day. Did anyone actually remember to do that?

  "Probably not."

  "Okay well you might want to try the shot. You only have to come in for a shot once every three months and you're fine in between. I still recommend that you use condoms, but as far as birth control that is a safe bet for younger people."

  "So I just have to come for the shot once every three months? That works?"

  "Of course! They all work. Any choice on this list is fine if done correctly. It just depends on your lifestyle and what is most convenient for you. Just don't forget to come back."

  "Okay. I will just do that. Does it hurt?"

  "No. Not much. It will be over in a second. I'll go get the shot and I'll be right back."

  Tracy knew her cousin took the shot and gained a lot of weight, but as soon as she got off it she ended up pregnant. That was enough to convince Tracy she was not leaving without the birth control. This was probably the best option because Janet would never find the pills around the house.

  She allowed the woman to shoot her in her left arm. Then, she got dressed and met Sean back in the waiting area. The whole process was easier than Tracy imagined. It was time that she began to take care of herself because her mother was not prepared for this moment in her life yet. Now she could be confident that no matter what happened in the future. She was safe and would not be bringing home any children. That was the most important thing.

  Chapter 2

  The days were beginning to run together and it was hard to keep track of the time. Tracy ran around her room frantically tossing clothes on her bed. Nothing seemed to fit properly or look how it did when it was purchased. No outfit seemed to be good enough to get her out of the door. She was rushing because Terry said he would meet her at Keisha's house twenty minutes ago, but she could not make solid decision on what to wear. It was too hot to be spending this much effort on something so silly. Her old pink dress was hanging over the back of her desk chair. It was her first choice that she had tossed aside before rummaging through every other piece of clothing in her closet. Quickly throwing it on she grabbed her keys, punched in the alarm code, and ran out the door.

  It was even hotter outside than in her bedroom which didn't seem possible five minutes ago. The sun was beating and she began to wish she had brought a bottle of water. She was not going back. Janet would be home soon and if she caught her daughter leaving she would try to lock her in the house or grill her with a million questions. Walking at a steady pace was a skill that had to be mastered over the past few weeks. Walking too quickly would result in a feverish state that always led to excessive sweating and aggravation. Moving too slow would end in heat exhaustion. Even though Tracy maintained her pace, she was getting annoyed less than halfway down the hill.

  Keisha lived in a red house at the bottom of the hill on Chauncey Street. It was the main road that Tracy's street met on the north end. It was busy and there were always a lot of people outside getting into trouble. Terry had met her there a couple times before, but they kept the meetings brief because Keisha's mother got off work at four.

  Their relationship—or lack thereof—was still largely a secret. Generally they met for less than an hour before he had to "run to work" or "get back home." Tracy was beginning to speculate about his whereabouts, but she didn't have the nerve to ask him. She still hadn't found the courage to ask if he was her boyfriend or where the friendship was going. He made it clear that he liked her and he enjoyed her company but that was it. They had kissed a few times but not much more had happened.

  In an effort to not scare the guy off she was still not talking much. She had told Max her feelings, but that didn't end well at all which left a barrier between her and most other people.

  When Tracy got to the fifth block she could see Keisha's little sister sitting on her mountain bike in the front yard talking to a young boy. He didn't look familiar at all, but Tracy greeted them both before skipping up the steps. There was no sign of Terry.

  "Keisha!"

  "Come in!"

  Tracy stepped inside the house relieved that Terry was not there yet. That would give her a minute to freshen up.

  "Hey, lady!"

  "Hey! It's so damn hot out there. I don't know how you made it."

  "I know. Can I use your bathroom? I'm dying."

  "Yeah, you know where it is."

  The house was empty other than a gray cat staring around the corner. He was sitting right in front of the fan on the kitchen table. Family photos lined the wall along the staircase. Bright sunlight shone in through the curtains on the second floor. Keisha's mother was not really a decorator, but she made sure the place felt like a home.

  "Okay, I'm good now."

  Tracy fell into the sofa across from Keisha.

  "I can't believe how hot it is."

  Keisha looked weary. She was positioned on the couch right in front of the air conditioner. The machine wasn't doing much to cool the open space, but it was better than being outside. Tracy began to think she might have missed Terry while she was rummaging through her closet.

  "Yeah. It's crazy. You sure Terry didn't get here yet?"

  "I haven't seen him."

  "Thank god. I was rushing, but I figured he would be late."r />
  "My sister been out there so I'm sure she would've told me if he came by."

  "Okay."

  Tracy felt uneasy. She couldn't stand to wait on anybody. It was making her anxious to sit there. He might not remember which house it was if he did not see her and he didn't have Keisha's phone number.

  "Maybe we should go outside. He might be scared to stop because he doesn't see me out there," Tracy said.

  "Really? Fine, whatever. Let me take the phone in case my mother calls."

  Tracy went out on the porch and sat on the lawn chair. It was a little cooler in the shade and a nice breeze had started moving through. The temperature was noticeably warmer than the house though.

  "It won't take long. I swear."

  Keisha's didn't look convinced. She flopped down on another lawn chair and watched her sister peddle past.

  "I'm so tired. I've been sleeping all day until you called," Keisha said.

  "Yeah, I didn't get up that long ago. I woke up when he called me."

  "No, I've been sleeping nonstop all week. I'm not really feeling like myself. . . .you know?"

  Tracy looked at her friend's face, but she couldn't take her mind off of Terry. Where was he and why was he taking so long? Was he even coming? If he did want to cancel he definitely couldn't call her and let her know.

  "Okay. . . .you're probably just lazy from all the heat. You haven't been going anywhere besides Brandon's house and he doesn't exactly live far."

  Tracy motioned toward the house next door but Keisha was silent. Her face was serious and she did look exhausted, but there was something else in her eyes. It was a look Tracy didn't see often on her friend's face. She looked worried.

  "What's wrong?"

  The silver Lexus pulled into the driveway interrupting their conversation. Tracy looked back at her friend. Keisha's lips were pursed together. Something was wrong. Keisha was looking down at her fingertips.

  "Nothing."

  "You sure?"

  "Positive."

  Keisha peered into the car and watched as Terry backed out and parked on the other side of the street. Tracy couldn't keep her eyes off of her friend. Something had happened and Tracy wanted to know what she had missed. She couldn't press the issue now though.

  "We can talk about later?"

  "Okay."

  "Hey!"

  Terry jumped onto the porch to hug Tracy.

  "Hi."

  Tracy was still very shy around Terry. It was hard to get comfortable considering she did not know exactly what she meant to him. They kept the conversation light most of the time. He didn't know much about her past or her family and he didn't seem to care. Tracy had lowered her standards a bit to date a guy like him.

  Terry seemed like the type to get into trouble. He was always hanging around weird guys that didn't work but always had wads of cash. His work hours were strange and she couldn't remember him ever saying where he worked or what he did.

  The important thing was that he always showed up when she asked to see him and he always had money to do whatever she wanted. Terry didn't do anything to push her out of her comfort zone and she continued to play it by ear.

  "I got you something."

  Tracy could never resist that smile. When he smiled like that it made her feel like she could fall in love with him.

  "What?"

  "Come to the car and I'll show you."

  She turned to Keisha who was still looking lost.

  "I'll be right back."

  Tracy couldn't tell if Keisha had heard her because she did not turn her head or nod. Whatever was bothering her had to be awful because Keisha was never this serious. She was one of the most playful people Tracy knew.

  The car was all white inside except for the wood grain dashboard and doors. The seats were leather. Tracy was always paranoid about spilling things inside the car. Terry was very sensitive about his vehicle and he had already complained about her wearing blue jeans and sitting directly on the seat. Whenever she wore denim he made her sit on a towel.

  "So what did you get me?"

  She was grinning. She loved receiving gifts no matter what they were. Terry had been generous over the past few weeks. He took her out and always paid, but he never bought her any presents.

  He reached into the backseat and placed a small box in her open hands. She could see that it was a phone before she got the cardboard off of it. Her eyes lit up when the device was revealed.

  "Oh my god. You didn't have to—"

  "Why do you keep saying that? I wanted to. Now I can call whenever I need to reach you."

  "Thank you."

  She kissed him without waiting for him to initiate this time. He sat back and smiled at her while she rubbed her hands across the phone case.

  "I gotta go, but I can come back later?"

  She was not ready for him to go. It was the first time that she felt like she needed him and he was leaving.

  "Yeah."

  "Alright. I'll see you later tonight."

  "Okay."

  Tracy kissed Terry goodbye and ran back across the street. Keisha was back inside the house, but she didn't appear to be doing any better.

  "Where is Brandon?"

  "I don't know."

  "He lives right next door. You haven't seen him?"

  "I'm not worried about him right now."

  Keisha stared at the television. She was still but she looked angry.

  "Okay. . . ."

  "I found out that I'm pregnant."

  Tracy's hand flew up to cover her own mouth. This was her biggest fear. It was no secret that Keisha and Brandon had been having sex, but she always assumed they were using protection. The topic of sex had been pretty awkward between them because Keisha knew she was more experienced than Tracy.

  It was hard to listen to those intimate details of her and Brandon. Tracy never wanted to think of any of her friends as sexual beings, let alone parents. Hearing those words, I'm pregnant, made it clear to Tracy that she was about to lose her best friend. This baby was about to change everything.

  Once Tracy got home she pulled her new phone out of her purse and turned it on. The phone had already been activated and had more applications on it than she knew what to do with. This was her first cell phone and it seemed like an extravagant gift considering Terry barely knew her. He would definitely want something in exchange for this gesture.

  After figuring out how to silence the phone she hid it underneath her comforter until her mother left for work. Occasionally she took it out to check for new texts but nothing had come through. Her new boyfriend was the only person who had the phone number because she had not thought to ask him for it and she did not want to risk calling her own house line to get it.

  Owning this new device meant she was breaking yet another rule, but breaking her mother's rules was no longer a huge fear of hers. She had already been man-handled and cursed out by the woman.

  Janet was long gone before Tracy dared to call Terry.

  "Hey," he answered on the first ring. "You ready?"

  Her heart sped up because something felt different. Their meetings before had been innocent, but it appeared as though tonight meant more to him. She knew he bought her that phone because he wanted some kind of ownership over the person attached to it. A part of her wondered how many phones he had distributed throughout the city and how much he got in exchange for the goods. There was no real way to measure such a thing especially considering she didn't have a lot of experience to compare it to. She was lost in this world. None of the movies she watched could have prepared her for the next step.

  The bus was nearly empty except for a few elderly people sitting in seats at the front. Not many people were waiting so the bus skipped past most stops on the way toward Keisha's. Tracy made a mental note to start taking the bus to Keisha's house.

  She now had money in her pocket on a regular basis because Terry always made sure he left her something when he visited. Most of the visits occurred at night
and didn't last more than an hour or two, but Tracy appreciated the effort he made. It was more than any other guy outside of her family had ever done for her.

  Keisha looked sluggish when she entered the bus. Tracy was not sure that she had even seen her. She watched as her lethargic friend paid and stepped toward the back.

  "You okay?" Tracy asked.

  "I'm fine."

  Tracy didn't know how to help. She did not want to patronize Keisha or fuss over her too much, but she was concerned. It was difficult to understand how Keisha could make such a big decision without Brandon—hard to imagine the situation in general.

  This wasn't the first time one of her peers had gotten pregnant. There was a girl in her sixth grade class that disappeared in the middle of the school year. Everyone thought she moved. When the students kept asking the teachers they said, She is sick, We aren't sure when she will be back. The charade went on for a couple months until one day the girl showed up in class again. Then, the rumors started going around about her having a baby while she was gone. This girl was about a year older than Tracy because she had been held back, but thirteen was still too early to be a mom. By the time they reached the eighth grade she was proud to display her toddler. She kept a picture of the baby in her locker. Nobody heard much about the father, but that was typical.

  The two girls stared ahead as the signs went by. Neither of them wanted to make eye contact. The silence was awkward, but Tracy had no idea what to say. It was an awful time to make jokes and Keisha looked like she was in really bad shape. Tracy had to break the silence.

  "Did you eat anything?" Tracy asked.

  "No."

  "I thought you were supposed to eat something before you take the medication?"

  "No, I'm not."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Tracy, I just want to sit here and be quiet until it's over."

  It was painful to watch Keisha go through something so heavy. The weight of the world was on her shoulders and nobody even knew. Brandon should have been sitting in Tracy's place, but he had no idea what a wreck he helped cause. Not telling him was a horrible idea, but Keisha would not listen to reason.