MD was mildly charming when you got past the annoying exterior. Something about him was kind and she thought he might be easier to trust than her last three partners. It had been months since they had met and he was pretty much the same every time she saw him. Tracy just was not sure if she was too shallow to accept him in front of her friends.
Tracy was falling asleep through most of English. When she looked down at her notebook, she could not even read the words. Toward the end, they weren't even on the lines. She was up all night tossing and turning. It was becoming impossible to sleep at night due to the naps she took after school ended.
She woke up in time copy down the homework assignment from the chalkboard. She walked with Chloe to the cafeteria, but left her to sit with John which had become the norm. She enjoyed the mellow atmosphere at his table. Chloe did not seem to care much. Her and John started out talking about Chemistry but over time they were becoming friends. He seemed to understand her and she opened up to him in ways she had never been able to with Chloe.
"I see you partnered up with Mohammed," John said.
"We have this project."
"That sucks."
"I'm starting to think he isn't so bad actually."
"Really?"
"Yeah, he's kind of nice and pretty smart. You wouldn't think so but he is."
"I still think you could do better."
Tracy looked up at John but could not read his expression. She began to think he might be a little jealous of MD, but she was not sure why he would be. He had never expressed any interest in her.
"We're not dating. It's just a project."
"I mean, you can do what you want. I'm just wondering if you're making the right choice."
She realized her friend just wanted what was best for her. It was ridiculous to think that he wanted her in any other way. Some guys were only interested in friendship and it was nice to have someone in her corner.
MD came over to get a coke out of the vending machine. She watched him pressing the button wondering if it was an excuse to get her attention.
"Hey!" MD said.
"Hey!" Tracy said.
"I found some stuff online that is different from what I saw in your notes. I emailed it to you so you can check it out."
"Thanks."
"So when are we gonna write this thing?"
"I thought I would write up my sections and you write up yours.
"Yeah but I don't really know how you wanna write it. Maybe we should do an outline or something together?"
"Oh okay."
"We can meet at my house. You busy after school?"
Tracy had never been to MD's house. She was curious about him and anxious to explore what these newfound feelings meant. It was not clear if she liked him or not, but she thought the project was a good excuse to figure it out.
"No, I'm not doing anything."
"Okay. I'll wait for you after school and we can walk over. It's not far and my mom will be there."
"Sounds good. I'll meet you then."
He left the table and she tried to keep the smile off of her face. Curiosity had gotten the best of her—that and boredom. She had never dated anyone as chubby as MD, but she was considering what it might be like. It was nothing permanent. This was just something to keep her hands busy until something better came along.
When the day ended, Tracy went back to her locker to change books and pick up her coat. She was lingering in the hopes that by the time she made it to the curb, most of the students would be gone. This was what she had done the last time she met MD to go to the library. No one could catch them hanging out until she knew what it was. The last thing she wanted was rumors circulating about a relationship that did not exist.
The whole thing was unnecessary. They both knew they did not need to meet up alone in his home to discuss the direction of the project. The topic had already been chosen, noted, highlighted, and typed. All they had to do was make it into a final copy, but the two of them liked pretending they needed to do this in person. His motives were obvious but hers were completely cloudy.
There were still people outside when Tracy made it out the door. MD was chatting with Chloe—making sure he did not miss her. Tracy walked over to overhear them arguing about whether your grades should affect your ability to attend prom.
"Hey," Tracy interrupted.
"Hey, where you been?" Chloe asked.
"I had to talk to my homebase teacher."
Nobody questioned her lie.
"So you ready?" MD asked.
Tracy was not ready for the question. She wished he had waited until Chloe went inside for practice.
"Ready for what?" Chloe asked.
Now she was out in the open. Her friend did not need to know every detail of her life, especially considering the fact that they weren't all that friendly anymore.
"We have a project," he said.
"Oh yeah. I still haven't even met with my partner," Chloe said.
"Yeah, we should go do that," Tracy said.
She wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. She could feel her cheeks burning and it felt like every eye was on her. Tracy began to regret agreeing to the meet up.
"Okay, see ya'," he said.
"Bye."
Tracy waved at Chloe and followed MD down the path.
His house sat back from the street with tall bushes concealing everything except the cobblestone walkway leading up to the porch. The blue paint reminded Tracy of her grandparents' home. MD showed her to the computer desk between the living room and dining room. Tracy waited for him to show her his changes to the notes.
"Where did you find these changes?" she asked.
"I put all the sources on the last page. Figured it would make it easier when we have to create the bibliography."
Tracy laughed. She could not believe he was this smart but never showed it. He hung out with some of the dumbest guys in school, deflected every question in class, and half the time he showed up late.
"Seems like a decent source," she said.
A car pulled into the driveway and a woman's voice was coming from outside the house. Tracy turned to see a beautiful, slim woman coming through the side door.
"Well hello!" the woman said.
"Hi," Tracy said.
"You must be Tracy."
Tracy looked over at MD with her mouth open.
"I asked if you could come over today," he said.
Tracy tried to relax, but could not take the worried look off of her face.
"You are so pretty," his mother said.
"Thank you."
"So how is the project coming?"
"Good." he said.
"Good. Tracy, make yourself at home. I am Diane. Let me know if you need anything. I'll be right in the kitchen."
Tracy was surprised his mother was so nice and inviting. Her mother never had that much energy after work.
When Tracy got home her mother was sleeping on the couch. The room was dark except for the light coming from the television. Tracy picked up the remote to turn off the box.
"Hey," Janet said.
"Hey."
"You were at school this late?"
"Yeah, I was working on that project with my partner."
"There's food in the kitchen."
"I ate."
It felt like someone was pulling Tracy's legs away from the living room. She could not stand to talk to her mother anymore. Every moment they stood there pretending to care agitated Tracy more.
"Your progress report came. Is there any reason why you skipped English a few weeks ago?"
"I didn't skip it. I got caught in a hall sweep."
"You didn't tell me about it."
She wasn’t sure why her mother still tried. Tracy just wished she would stop. They stared at each other in the dark.
"I forgot. It was no big deal."
"You mean you thought it was none of my concern. Like your boyfriend?"
Caught off guard by the comments,
Tracy stood in the doorway unsure of how she should respond. Her heart rate increased as she attempted to think faster than her mother. She thought she had hidden these details which is why she never thought of an explanation.
"It was not worth mentioning and we aren't together."
There was a long pause while Janet got up from the couch and collected a few items from the coffee table. Tracy heard her heart banging against her chest and wondered if her mother could hear it too.
"I expect you to make it to the rest of your classes on time this year. This isn't the time to start getting off track. And clean the kitchen."
Tracy felt the wind brush against her side while her mother walked past her. She stood in the dark room until she heard the door shut down the hall. Her secrets were now exposed and her mother was surprisingly calm about it all.
Chapter 9
The snow had started falling, but it melted before it hit the pavement. It was too windy to walk down the hill, but Tracy was bored enough to do it. Each house was sealed tightly fighting the winter cold. She had gotten to the point where spending any amount of time outside the house was worth whatever friction it took to get there. The point of the game was to stay away, far away from anything that felt like her mother—the awkward conversations and lies she had to tell to keep up with the other lies. It was exhausting trying to be the person her mother pictured her as—the little girl that had already grown up.
Tracy slipped down the path leading up to Keisha's door but caught herself before she fell. Before she could ring the doorbell a second time Keisha was pulling the front door open rushing her inside.
"Hurry up! It's cold out there."
Tracy dumped her boots by the door and shook the snow off of her jacket before hanging it on the banister. Keisha's house was toasty and quiet other than the television playing in the next room. The cat sprang to his feet and watched Tracy until she was seated on the sofa across the room. They stared into each other's eyes until he was back in his resting position. Sometimes it felt like it was more his home than anyone else's.
Keisha didn't waste any time with formalities. She intended to catch up on as much gossip as possible.
"So who is this new guy you were talking about?" Keisha asked.
"Not exactly new but I'm kind of hanging out with MD."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I'm not sure. It kind of just crept up on me."
"Is he cute?"
Tracy thought for a while before replying to her friend. Cute wasn't the best word to describe her new mate. He was funny and nice most of the time. They understood each other, but he was not what one thought of when they said cute.
"He's okay. No dreamboat or anything."
"So why are you dating him?"
It was a good question. One that had panged around in her head for the past few days, but somehow it kept getting ignored. There was always something more important to worry about and then before she knew it he was calling again. The more time they spent together the more she accepted him.
"I don't know. He's nice. I don't love him or anything. We're just having fun."
"You must be bored."
"I know. That's bad isn't it?"
"It's up to you really."
It was clear that dating MD for her own entertainment was wrong, but what Tracy feared more was that she was actually interested in him. She began to think that she may like him more than she let on, but she was too self-conscious to admit it to her friends. MD wasn't the tall, good-looking guy she was supposed to end up with. He wasn't the Pillsbury doughboy or anything, but he was much different from her previous suitors. They were obviously mismatched and a small part of her felt ashamed for feeling that way.
"What's going on with you?" Tracy asked.
"Me and Brandon got back together."
"Really?"
"Yup."
Tracy wasn't sure if she should be angry or supportive. Surely Keisha could not be serious. Just a few months ago she was mourning a loss, but now they were sweeping it under the rug. The two of them had not spoken much about the abortion which made Tracy skirt around the issue.
"Are you sure?"
It seemed like a logical question. How could Keisha think it was appropriate to get back with the boy that abandoned her in her time of need? Was she that desperate? Tracy caught herself realized how desperate she was in her own situation. Here she was dating a guy she was barely sure if she was interested in all because of boredom. At least Keisha and Brandon had a genuine attraction to each other.
"I'm positive. He understands me. I get him. I know what happened was messed up, but we talked about it and we both know we weren't ready for a baby yet."
"I'm glad you worked it out."
"Me too. I really missed him and it was hard to see him all the time and not be able to talk to him. I just couldn't stay mad."
"Right. If you're happy that's all that matters."
"I am."
Keisha was glowing like nothing had ever happened. Tracy found it hard to believe her friend could trust any guy again so soon, especially the one who had caused the damage in the first place. They were treating it like a rough patch. It was like she had fallen off of her bike and scraped her leg.
It was easy for Brandon to move on. He had not been the one sitting in the waiting room wondering if Keisha would come out alive. He did not hold her hand on the way home while she fought back tears. Of course he could go on like none of it had happened, but how could Keisha be so quick to forgive him?
Tracy watched her friend smiling and going on about this guy, but it did not seem fair that he could jump in and out as he pleased. He took me out to get ice cream and we talked all about it. Was it really that simple? He said he would never leave me like that again. Tracy watched her lips motioning the words, but she could not connect with the conversation. So she sat and nodded until Keisha got tired of talking about him.
"Have you seen Max?" Tracy asked.
"Yeah, I see him around."
"Oh."
As soon as Tracy said his name she regretted it. She was not supposed to be talking about Max or asking about him. By now she should have moved on and forgotten him. For some reason she could not get him out of her head. No matter how many people she tried to date, his memory would not go away.
"I don't think he's dating anyone or anything. I wouldn't really know though."
"I know. I was just wondering I guess."
"Why don't you call him?"
"And say what?"
"Tell him you miss him. I'm sure he misses you too."
"I doubt it."
"What do you have to lose?"
"I don't know his phone number anyway."
"I could get it for you."
Deep down Tracy was dying to hear from Max, but she was not willing to make the first move. He stopped speaking to her and the only way they were going to speak was if he came to her.
"I'm over it," Tracy said.
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"Keep telling yourself that."
"I have a man."
The words spilled out of her mouth before she could stop them. She tasted every syllable as they came out and each one made her feel more foolish than the last. Being with MD did not make her proud or happy. How had she gotten herself in this situation?
Tracy had never felt so lost in all of her life. It was like she did not know who she was becoming at all. Just a year ago she had an idea where her life was going, but now she was tossing it up and watching where it fell.
Chapter 10
New Year's Eve came quickly and Tracy had no intention of spending the holiday in the house. Her mother was not cooking and her family did not make plans to celebrate together. An invitation had been extended for her to come to MD's house for dinner with his mother, father, and aunt. Tracy had become fond of MD's mother and she was a huge fan of her homemade dishes. His mother created meals Tracy had only eaten in restaurants or heard
about on television.
When he called to ask if she was coming over she was taken aback. Are you sure it’s okay? I'm not really family, she kept saying. My mom loves you, he assured her. They went back and forth until Tracy caved. She had memories of her family get-togethers when she was a kid, but those gatherings had long passed. Trying to get her aunts and uncles in the same room now was an impossible task. Just thinking about the long, drawn-out phone calls was giving Tracy a headache.
MD had given her a great alternative and her mother had finally warmed up to him. He called so much that she couldn't ignore him and his mother assured Janet that Tracy was safe in their home. I would take care of her like she was my own child. This was enough to get Janet to let go and let her daughter have an ounce of freedom.
Tracy planned to bring a dish but MD's family had declined. She thought it might be rude to come empty handed, but she called a cab and waited for the horn.
"Bye, ma!"
"Bye!"
Tracy rushed out of the front door and winced from the cold air seeping through her scarf. It felt odd walking out of the house with her mother's permission to go see a guy. She had waited for this moment for years.
"Where to?"
Tracy recited the address from memory. She had been to MD's home a number of times. It started out as them studying, but they continued to meet long after the project ended. We're practicing for the presentation, they said. MD's mother exposed them when she finally called Janet to speak to her about her daughter's whereabouts.
Seeing MD was much easier than Tracy had imagined. He had cousins who drove them around and when they did not feel like doing that he gave Tracy money to take cabs to and from his home. They did not spend much time at her house because she was too busy trying to stay away from it. She was not in love with him, but she loved that he provided a way for her to get out.
There were only a couple cars in MD's driveway and one was his father's. The other must have belonged to his aunt. The women greeted her before she could see anyone else.
Moving On Without You Page 7