"Hello."
"Hi, Tracy!"
"I've heard so much about you. God, you're so pretty!"
"I told you!"
Tracy watched the two women exchanging glances in the living room until MD hopped down the stairs to greet her.
"Mohammed, she is so cute! I can't believe it. You did good this time."
"Thanks."
Tracy hoped the discussion would end soon. His dad was nowhere in sight. He must have known better than to come downstairs before the food was served. Tracy waited until it was her turn to say something.
"Is the food almost done?" MD asked.
"Not yet. I will let you know," his mother said.
"Okay. I'm going back upstairs."
"Bye," the women said.
"Nice meeting you," Tracy said.
Tracy followed MD the way she had ten times before and plopped down on his bed.
"Can I ask you a question?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Remember you said I wasn't your first? Who was it?"
The question was unexpected and seemed totally irrelevant. How long had he been waiting to bring this up?
"You don't know him."
"How do you know?"
"He doesn't go to our school."
It was probably not a good idea to reveal Terry's identity considering the fact that he could get into trouble for being involved with her. They had not run into each other since the barbecue, but that was probably because it had gotten cold outside and Tracy was not spending much time at her grandmother's house.
"Then it's no harm in me knowing who he is."
He was probably right about this. She knew the two guys could have never crossed paths.
"His name is Terrence."
MD frowned and shifted his eyes from left to right.
"What does he look like?"
"He's tall, kind of light-skinned. Why?"
"Do they call him T-mo?"
Tracy stopped playing with her nails and froze against the wall on the bed. She sat there with her mouth hanging open but could not face her boyfriend. Her mind spun around while she attempted to remember if she had seen MD at the movies or the corner store when she was flirting with Terry. She couldn't remember a thing. Most of the time they had spent together was a blur and the thoughts were coming too fast to make sense of any of it.
"It is him isn't it?" he said.
Tracy pressed her eyes closed for a second before opening them again.
"How do you—"
"He plays basketball with one of my homeboys."
He must have told him everything about her. She was the only girl named Tracy that went to Jefferson which made it pretty difficult to deny any of it. It felt like she had pants made of lead keeping her from lifting up off of that bed.
"Why would you want to be with him?" he asked.
"He's cute."
"He's twenty-two years old! I begged you for your number for months and you give this old ass man your number after meeting him on a street corner once? I can't believe this."
"It was not like that. He was nice, attractive, and we were both single. I don't see what the big deal is."
"You act like you're so perfect and you don't do anything, but here you are sleeping around with some pervert."
"He's not a pervert! What is wrong with you? I didn't know how old he was when I met him. I just liked him."
"I thought you were different from those girls."
"So because I am not a virgin now I'm somehow different? You're no virgin yourself."
"I was actually."
Tracy looked up to see Mohammed was not being sarcastic. His face was completely serious and he looked like someone had stomped all over his heart.
"Why didn't you tell me that?" she asked.
"It wasn't important."
"I didn't know."
"Do you love me?"
"I can't say that."
"Why not?"
"I can't say it unless I'm sure that I mean it."
"Do you love Terrence?"
"No."
The room felt like it was closing in to suffocate her. It was either the room or the relationship. Tracy looked out the door into the small hallway trying to think of a reason to escape. She had assumed the afternoon would be a bunch of carefree kissing that ended with dinner but that was asking too much. The space was now awkward and tense. She hoped someone could change the subject but her partner was too busy sulking.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"It's no big deal. You slept with me the first night too."
"No I did not! I came over here for weeks before we even made it official."
"But the day we made it official, we had sex."
She stared at him wondering where he had found the guts to say something like that to her. He had clearly lost his mind. It seemed like the perfect time to let him know that she had only agreed to be his girlfriend because she had gotten too tired to say no anymore, but that would only prove his point. Maybe she was as shallow as the girls she hung out with or worse. At least they had the courage to turn the guys down. She had gotten so weak and desperate that she actually said yes, had sex with him, and allowed him to disrespect her. None of it was making her want to leave though.
After Tracy ate she called herself a cab and paid him with the money MD had slid in her pocket an hour earlier. She was beginning to feel like a prostitute, but she hadn't had enough yet. The relationship was a cycle of disappointment, but it made her feel comfortable to have him there.
Janet had fallen asleep on the couch with the television on again. Tracy took the phone into her room to check all the missed calls. There was one from Bryan which she redialed immediately. He seemed to be in good spirits which raised hers.
"How have you been? I missed you," he said.
"A wreck."
"Why? School's out! You better get happy before I come back and kick your butt!"
"Why are you so happy?"
"Girl, life is good down here."
"You must have a new boyfriend."
"Nope! But I do have a girlfriend."
Tracy had a hard time imagining Bryan walking down the street swinging hands with a girl. It had to be a stunt to distract his mother.
"You're such a liar," she said.
"No ma'am. I am serious. She goes to my school and she's amazing."
"Wow. Excuse me if I'm shocked. Georgia has changed you."
"Yup. How are you and your man?"
"Don't get me started with that."
"Is it good?"
"What?"
"The sex."
"Not really."
"Well what the hell are you staying with him for?"
Tracy couldn't hold back the laughter. She had been wondering the same thing. If they did not have love, sex, or any real connection what was she waiting for? The idea of being alone had become too much to bear. She kept thinking that at some point he would grow on her.
"He's not so bad."
"Girl, that's how you describe the mailman, not the guy you're dating. You need to let it go."
"But what if I'm lonely?"
"Get a dog!"
What Bryan was saying made sense, but letting go was an entirely different hurdle. She had no idea how to escape from her mother if she was not hanging out with MD anymore. The relationship had passed its peak, but Tracy was not sure if she wanted to hold on and suffer a little longer.
Semester II
Chapter 11
As the year moved along, Tracy found herself spending more time with John than anyone else. She had completely abandoned Chloe's lunch table and did not see her much outside of class. Chloe asked Tracy if she had done something wrong, Are you sure you aren't mad at me?, but Tracy was not mad at all. The two of them had grown in different directions and Tracy was glad to use her chemistry tutor as an excuse to avoid Chloe's empty conversations.
"How you been?" John asked.
"Fine. I know we just got back, but I'm ti
red already," Tracy said.
"The semester is just getting started."
He sat in his usual spot across the lunch table from her. They talked and Tracy laughed for the entire period. John stared into her eyes, studying her every move. He was always calm and when he spoke she listened.
"Can I ask you something?" he asked.
Tracy looked up from the book and nodded. John was always asking her something. He wanted to know everything about her and she did not mind answering his inquiries.
"Why are you with Mohammed?"
She couldn't help but laugh. John was never shy. He did not look away or laugh when he asked ridiculously bold questions. He did not apologize for offending her. He just stared at her and waited for an honest response.
Tracy thought carefully before answering because MD's friends sat relatively close to their table and she did not want to insult him. The truth was she had been asked this question at least a dozen times in the past couple months, but she still had not thought of a passable explanation.
"I like him."
"Do you really? Because you don't seem like you would go for a guy like that at all."
"He is weird, but I have gotten to know a different side of him."
This was a suitable comeback. She leaned into her book waiting for her friend to approve of her answer, but he refused to confirm. He looked skeptical. Tracy felt her heart thumping which indicated that she had been telling lies again. If that was not good enough what was the right answer?
"He says things about you in gym class."
"What kinds of things?"
"He says he slept with you. . . .and other things."
Tracy was annoyed at the idea of MD spreading their personal business around to all his friends. It was undeniable though. They had slept together. She was not sure what he meant by other things, but she was also too afraid to ask. Plus, there was no way to even know if John was telling the truth. He had never liked MD which didn't do much for his credibility, but what could he gain from lying?
"You heard him say that?"
"Yeah, he told a few people. I didn't want to say anything at first, but he keeps bringing it up. I figured you might want to know."
She wondered if anyone believed MD. He could have told a handful of people, but did they care enough to tell anyone else? She had managed to keep to herself for the past year. There were a few classmates she spoke to infrequently, but her personal life had always been off limits. Tracy did not talk about her family and she never spoke about who she was dating. It was his word against hers because not many people were even aware that they had a relationship.
"Did he say anything else?"
"Not really. It just seemed like he was bragging."
"I don't know why anyone would brag about that but whatever."
"I might be tempted to brag about you if you were my girlfriend."
"Yeah, I guess it's harmless."
The bell came quicker than Tracy expected. She stuffed her folder and book back into the top compartment and hurried to her next course.
Tracy sat next to Chloe in Global Studies and copied down every word from the overhead projector. Their teacher recited the words from the screen, flipping from one laminated sheet to the next. The classroom was still other than the wrists flicking the characters down on the sheets.
It was hard to stay awake, but Tracy managed to keep her eyes open. Chloe poked her in the shoulder just when Tracy began to nod off to sleep. Feeling the foreign object touch her body made her jump back upright. Chloe giggled in silence to keep from disturbing the surrounding students.
"Hey," Chloe said.
"What?"
"What are you doing after school today?"
"Nothing."
"You want to go to the mall?"
Tracy shot her friend a confused glance. The two of them had not hung out in months, but now Chloe was inviting her out on a Tuesday. The whole thing was suspicious. She wondered if this was some kind of ambush Chloe was luring her into.
"For what?"
"To hang out."
"We don't even have any way to get there."
"My friend said he would take me, but I don't want to go alone with him."
That explained it. Chloe was still shielding her virginity like the national treasure and she could not be alone with a guy for too long. Tracy just wondered why she was not asking one of her cheer buddies to tag along.
"Please?"
Chloe sat there with her lips poked out like a five year old. Tracy did not owe Chloe any favors, but she had not been shopping in a while. It was a better idea than going home to sit and watch television.
"Fine."
"Thanks. Meet me out front after the last bell?"
"Okay."
Pulling the giant bomber out of her locker Tracy remembered she had to meet Chloe downstairs. Now, she regretted telling her friend she would go shopping with her. The only reason Chloe had invited Tracy was to use her anyway. Tracy tried to think of a decent excuse of why she could not play the third wheel while she trotted down the steps.
I could tell her my mom needs help with something. Or I have a lot of Spanish homework. Or I'm not feeling well.
Chloe would see through any of those excuses and worse they had just about every class together. So if things did get awkward, Tracy would have to deal with the tension all day Wednesday until Chloe decided to forgive her. The truth was Tracy was tired, but Chloe would not care to hear that.
Chloe was in their usual spot waiting on Tracy to meet her. The front of the building cleared quickly. It was too cold to stand around lollygagging.
"You ready?" Chloe asked.
"Yeah. Where's the car?"
"I don't know. Mike had to run to his locker."
"Mike who?"
"Tall Mike, with the dimples."
Tracy stared at her friend blankly. Chloe had never mentioned any Mike and the generic name did nothing to jog her memory.
"He plays basketball. . . .He always wears jerseys."
Chloe stomped to show her impatience, but Tracy had no idea who the guy was. She decided to redirect the conversation.
"Right. . . .How long have you two been seeing each other?"
"A month. He's so nice and cute! I can't be alone with him though."
"You've never been alone?"
"Not really. I used to talk to him after practice. Then, on the phone but we just started going out on dates. Each time I always bring my sister along, but she has band today. So I'm stuck."
"Oh well thanks!"
"You know what I mean. I would have asked you, but I didn't want him to have to drop us off at two different places and you're so busy with MD lately. I didn't want to bug you."
It had never occurred to Tracy that Chloe believed they were growing apart due to MD's presence. That had nothing to do with why Tracy hadn't been paying much attention to Chloe. Tracy had distanced herself from Chloe because of her betrayal.
"I didn't realize. . . .So you kiss this guy in front of your little sister?" Tracy asked.
"No! I haven't really kissed him yet."
"Wow."
"We're never alone."
Talking to Chloe made Tracy feel like a slut. They had been virginal twins less than a year ago, but now Tracy felt like the bad seed. Looking at their track records, nobody would have ever guessed Tracy would lose her virginity first, but life had crept up on her. She had grown faster than she anticipated.
"What is it like to. . . .you know," Chloe said.
"It's good. . . .sometimes."
"Sometimes?"
Tracy shrugged and looked down at the ground. It felt strange to talk about sex with Chloe because she had known MD before Tracy had ever met him. She did not want to ruin her view of him or deter Chloe from enjoying her relationship just because Tracy's was based on false hope.
"It's good."
"Here he is!"
Tracy turned to see Mike walking down the path toward them. He was tall and goo
d looking. His smile showed the dimples Chloe had referenced. Tracy remembered seeing him wandering around the halls, but they had never spoken to each other.
Mike hugged Chloe for what seemed like forever. Tracy diverted her eyes, but Chloe still had her head pressed to his chest when Tracy turned back around. It was annoying how smitten they were with each other. Tracy couldn't help but wonder why she could not have that.
"I parked on the side street."
He held onto Chloe's hand and Tracy followed behind them. She traced the jacket letters with her eyes over and over again. VARSITY. He must have been a senior because juniors did not play varsity—or did they? The titles bopped around in her head, but she gave up trying to make sense of them. At least he was on the better team of the two.
Mike was impossibly tall. She had to lean her head back every time he spoke which got annoying after a while. Tracy wondered how Chloe dealt with the height difference, considering her and Tracy were very close in height. In fact, Chloe was slightly shorter than Tracy. No wonder they had not kissed. She was nowhere near his face. If he did try to kiss her, it would probably look like a crane dipping its head down to drink from a pond.
Tracy followed them from store to store. Inside each shop the girls would split because they had totally different ideas regarding style. Tracy wore sweaters and blouses while her friend collected crop tops and graphic t-shirts. It didn't take long for Tracy to blow through the fifty dollars in her wallet.
When Chloe was done spending her allowance the three of them went to the food court. They sat at a tiny table barely large enough for Mike to fit his knees under. Tracy tried not to look annoyed when Chloe giggled at all his jokes. She munched on her burger and stared out through the glass doors into the dark parking lot.
A cute bohemian girl with curly hair came up to the door and yanked it back. Tracy watched her thinking how much she reminded Tracy of Sabrina. When the girl took down her hood Tracy smiled. It was Sabrina.
"I'll be right back," Tracy said.
She walked over to the other side of the food court and cut in front of the girl so she could face her.
"You remember me?"
Sabrina screamed and wrapped her arms around Tracy to embrace her.
"What are you doing here?"
Moving On Without You Page 8