Moving On Without You

by Kiarah Whitehead

  Tracy heard the phone ringing and she ran to the living room to get it. She had been waiting since last night to hear from Max, but every phone call turned out to be someone calling for her mother. Every time she heard the phone ring she rushed to the caller ID, but it was never him. She caught the phone in the kitchen before it stopped ringing.

  "Hi, can I speak to Tracy?"

  It was him. He had finally called after more than a year. He was on the other end of the line waiting for her.

  "Hi."

  "Happy birthday."

  "Thank you."

  "I was wondering if I could see you again?"

  Of course he could see her again. Was he insane? She would love nothing more than to see his face again after all this time.

  "That would be nice. When were you thinking?"

  "I know you must have plans today. Maybe tomorrow or Monday?"

  "Yeah, that would be great."

  Chapter 14

  Tracy had a hard time sleeping or thinking about anything besides Max. She could not believe he had asked about her out of the blue. It was just when she was beginning to think about giving up on guys altogether. Sean was happy to accompany her on her trip over to Max's new house. He had been giddy since Max first asked for Tracy's phone number. Tracy was happy to have a partner in crime to bring along. She was not sure if she would have had the nerve to walk over to his house alone.

  It turned out that Max's new place was only a few streets away from where Tracy lived. He actually lived closer to her than Sean. Tracy got her mother to drop her off at Sean's house without any questions or arguments. The two of them slipped out of the house shortly after Janet's car pulled out of the driveway. Sean's mother believed they were off to the grocery store which was plausible.

  Sean lead the way to where the bus had been dropping Max off for the past couple weeks. Tracy got nervous when they rounded the corner of Max's street. He had invited her but seeing him again after all that time was putting all kinds of thoughts in her head. She did not want to get her hopes up too high, but she could not help but be excited.

  After walking a few steps down the first block Tracy saw Max's cousin and his younger sister Janine playing basketball in front of the house. When she got close enough to speak the girl turned and ran toward her. She threw her arms around Tracy like they were old friends.

  "I remember you!"

  Tracy couldn't believe Janine had recognized her. She was glad because up until that point she did not know how to start the conversation.

  "You do?"

  "Yes! You're the one who likes my brother!"

  That wasn't exactly the description she was hoping for. It confirmed everything she had always thought about her liking Max more than he ever liked her. She brushed it off because it was much too late to turn and run away.

  "I guess so."

  "You want me to go get him?"

  "Would you?"

  "Yeah, I'll be right back."

  Tracy was glad she did not have to knock on the door or worse, enter the house. She was not ready to speak to his mother again. Tracy had only seen the woman once, but she had made quite an impression the last time. Today she just wanted to see Max and figure out what was on his mind.

  Sean sat down on the porch next to Tracy and they waited for a few moments before Janine came running out the front door again.

  "He's coming!"

  She yelled before meeting her cousin back in the street. It was an unfair match up considering he was at least a foot taller than the eighth grader, but she did what she could to keep up.

  "Let me go help this little girl," Sean said.

  "Okay."

  He got up to go assist Janine. He didn't play as well as she did, but he was taller. The two of them together tried to defend the basket.

  When the screen door creaked Tracy could not turn her head. She kept her eyes in front of her until Max appeared at the bottom of the steps. He looked as nervous as she felt and this allowed her to relax a bit.

  "Hey," he said.

  "Hi."

  "I don't get a hug?"

  She had waited over a year for this moment. Never in her mind had she thought she would see him or touch him again. The excitement was bubbling up inside her, but she had to stay calm. Tracy rose from her position and stepped down to meet his embrace. She melted into his chest like she belonged there.

  The hug didn't last long enough, but Tracy pulled back to keep her composure. He still smelled like milk and honey and was more attractive than she had remembered. Max didn't stop smiling which made Tracy smile.

  It was the warmest day they had in a while and Tracy was thankful that the sun was shining and she was with the guy she thought she dreamed up.

  "Did you miss me?" He asked.

  "Yeah."

  "I missed you too."

  "Why didn't you call?"

  He dropped his smile and wrapped his arms around her shoulders again. It felt like nothing could hurt her as long as his arms were around her.

  "I wanted to but it was too hard not seeing you. I thought about you all the time though. You don't know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone but I couldn't."

  Tracy wanted nothing more than to believe every word he was saying. They sat on the porch together and she leaned on his shoulder content with finally knowing how he felt. This was the greatest reward she could ask for.

  "I can't stay long," she said.

  "Okay. When will I see you again?"

  She stared into his eyes and they looked honest. It would have been so easy to just stay there staring at him forever.

  "When do you want to?"

  "Tomorrow?"

  Tracy knew she was in love the moment she saw Max stare up at her on that porch. She knew she loved him the year before. He was everything she imagined when she went to sleep at night; and the first thing she thought of when she woke up. She had spent the past year fighting off daydreams of him becoming her boyfriend. It was an impossible dream, but it had come true.

  The two of them spent the next few days together. Tracy went through her normal routine—doing homework and then running out the door, but instead of running to Sabrina's, she was going to Max's house. Her mother didn't know the difference. Tracy would spend a few hours hanging out with Max and then he would walk her back to the corner of her street. They hugged, kissed and parted ways.

  It was an incredible feeling to love someone as much as they loved her. She got to enjoy a relationship openly and freely. It was something she had not gotten to do yet and she was grateful to be reconnecting with the only person she had ever truly loved.

  When Tracy walked in the door her mother was sitting up on the couch watching television.

  "Hey, ma."

  "Hey. Where you coming from?"

  Tracy immediately put her guard up because her mother hadn't asked her that in a while. She knew she was at Sabrina's every day, unless someone had alerted her otherwise.

  "Outside with my friends."

  "What friend?"

  "Keisha."

  It was a shot in the dark. The lie would work if Keisha had not called today, but Tracy had no way of knowing if she did or didn't. She began to wish she had knocked on Keisha's door on the way home or at least prepared Sean with some kind of alibi. Now she was being put on the spot and her mother hated when she lied.

  "Oh okay. Sabrina's been calling all day. I thought you were over there, but then she started calling every hour on the hour."

  Thank god.

  "I'll call her."

  Before Tracy could finish her dinner Sabrina was calling again. Tracy's mother passed her the phone.

  "Hey," Tracy answered.

  "Hey, I called you earlier."

  "Yeah, I just got in not too long ago."

  "Oh. . . .I didn't hear from you yesterday. I wasn't sure if something happened to you."

  "I'm okay. I've just been hanging out with my friends."

  "Well you usually come see me on the
weekdays. So I didn't know what was going on."

  Sabrina sounded vulnerable. Tracy felt like a jerk for doing this to her, but she knew she had to end it. Letting Sabrina go was tough. Sabrina was the one who held her head when everyone else in the world was kicking her down. She couldn't just drop her like this, but Max was back and just like that he meant everything to her again.

  "I know. My head's been kind of screwed up lately."

  "I missed you."

  Max had just said the same thing to her a few hours before. Sabrina had no way of knowing this, but Tracy felt guilty keeping it a secret.

  "Tracy?"

  "Yeah."

  "I said that I miss you."

  "I have to tell you something. . . .remember that guy I told you I used to date at Roosevelt? He's back."

  "That's where you've been?"

  "I didn't sleep with him. We just hung out."

  "It's okay if you want to see him. I'm not mad."

  Tracy couldn't believe Sabrina was taking it so well. Maybe she understood. She had done the same thing to Tracy a couple times before. It hurt Tracy to let Sabrina go though. They had been friends, lovers, and they respected each other. That was more than Tracy had ever shared with any other person, but she was glad to leave things on a good note.

  "Call me when you get a chance."

  "Okay. I'll talk to you later."

  Tracy said the words because saying goodbye was too hard. She knew she would not call Sabrina again, but it felt better than saying have a nice life. Tracy wanted to be with Sabrina, but she wanted Max more and she knew she was not capable of loving them both equally. So she chose the one she had fought for and hoped that he would fight just as hard to keep her.

  Chapter 15

  Tracy was studying in the living room when her mother came in. She stood in the doorway quietly for a few moments before Tracy looked up from her notebook.

  "What?" Tracy asked.

  "I've never seen anyone study with the TV on."

  Tracy looked over at the screen. She had forgotten the movie was playing.

  "I guess I block it out."

  "So what's the point of having it on? Just to run up my electricity bill?"

  "Background noise."

  Tracy turned her eyes back to the notebook. She knew her mother wanted something, but she was sure she did not want to find out what it was.

  "You've been talking to Max a lot."

  "Yeah."

  There it is.

  "Are you dating him?"

  The question was rhetorical and there was no use hiding it anymore.

  "I guess."

  "When were you going to tell me?"

  Her mother was acting strange. She was not yelling or throwing things. What had brought on this change? Last year she did everything she could to get rid of Max, but now she was calm, almost excited.

  "It just kind of happened. I didn't plan it."

  "That's where you've been going the past few weeks?"

  "Yes. . . .sometimes."

  "I want to meet his mother."

  Tracy clenched her teeth together. Couldn't she enjoy her time with Max just a little longer before her mother ruined it? Maybe he wasn't the perfect guy, but he was nice. Didn't her mother want her to be with someone who treated her well? What was the problem?

  "I guess I could ask her."

  "Don't worry about it. I will call her and set it up."

  Tracy wanted to resist, but this wasn't the time. Her mother was like a bull when she wanted something. There was no point getting in her way unless you wanted to get run over.

  The first thought in Tracy's mind was to call Max and warn him, but her mother was on the phone before she could get down the hallway. Tracy returned her attention back to her studies. The only thing she could do is hope the two of them got along.

  Janet peaked around the corner.

  "I spoke to his mother and she said she would love to meet me. They are coming over right away."

  Was this real? Tracy began to panic, but Janet disappeared around the corner again leaving her speechless. She threw her head back on the couch and closed her eyes. This was the moment of truth. Either they would like each other and allow Tracy and Max to date or they would hate each other and Tracy would never see Max again. What she knew of Max's mother led her to believe the latter was much more likely.

  Their parents were nothing alike. This was going to be a disaster. The last thing Tracy wanted was for her mother to get into an argument with Max's mother. She began to regret allowing Max to call the house at all. Then her mother would have no idea they had started dating.

  When the doorbell rang, Tracy's heart began to beat faster. She was happy to be seeing Max, but wished the circumstances were different. At the front door she found Max, his mother, and his eldest sister. She let them in and brought them to the dining room table where her mother was waiting.

  "Hi!"

  Janet gave a warm hello like she had known them for years.

  "Hello!"

  Max's family was extremely chipper as well. Tracy was nervous and could not stop sweating. She felt awkward sitting at her own table. Max's mother sat across from Janet. His sister sat next to his mother and he sat on the end. Tracy sat in the seat beside her mother. She thought she might be too close to Max, but she did not want to be next to his mother so she stayed.

  "I understand you have been dating Tracy for a while?"

  Janet directed the question to Max.

  "A few weeks."

  "And you like her?"

  Max looked at Tracy and she shrugged.

  "Yeah."

  He laughed nervously. Tracy realized he must have been feeling just as foolish as she was. The whole meeting looked like something out of a movie scene.

  "Well, I wanted to meet you because Tracy is my only daughter and I don't ever want anything to happen to her."

  "Right," Max's mother nodded.

  "I know she has been to your house and I have some concerns. The two of them like each other and they can spend time together. I just want to make sure the rules in your house are the same as mine so that I can feel comfortable with her continuing to go over there."

  "I understand. I have five girls and this is my oldest. She is nineteen. The other four are at home. Three of them are teenagers. So I get it. Trust me. When they start dating I plan to sit down with the parents of the boys because otherwise these kids will be running around doing as they please."

  "Exactly! So we're on the same page."

  The ladies cackled together. Tracy and Max exchanged worried glances. The good thing was they were getting along. Tracy was relieved they were on the same page. Whatever that meant.

  "I'm just making sure. I have no issue with him coming over here and her going there as long as there is a parent home. I don't want her up in the bedrooms and he will never go past my kitchen," Janet said.

  "Good!"

  It didn't sound good to Tracy. What kind of deal was this? And she had already been in Max's bedroom. His mother knew that. Did this mean she wouldn't be allowed upstairs anymore? How would they ever get any privacy?

  The adults seemed to have come to a consensus. Janet walked Max's mother and sister to the door. They left him behind to spend time with Tracy.

  "You heard all that?" Janet asked.

  "Yes," Tracy said.

  "You follow the rules and there won't be any issues."

  Max nodded. He seemed to be okay with the arrangement. Tracy didn't think it was fair, but it was better than not being able to see him at all.

  Every day after Tracy finished her homework she went straight to Max's. Her mother had complained about it a few times. Why can't he ever come over here? You shouldn't be chasing that boy. Tracy did not feel like she was chasing him. She was obsessed with him and they couldn't stand to be apart. He is going to get tired of you going over there every day. Janet nagged but Tracy never listened. She couldn't. She was too involved in her own emotions. Nothing else matter
ed.

  To please her mother Tracy asked Max to come over her house. It wasn't as fun to Tracy because she didn't get to escape. At her house they had to be careful what they said because it was quiet enough for Janet to hear them through the walls. She came out to check on them a couple times, but she ended up falling asleep after the first hour.

  The two of them sat on the couch kissing.

  "I love you," Max said.

  Tracy opened her eyes to see him and smiled. He finally told her how he felt. She had been in love with him the whole time, but never wanted to scare him off.

  "I love you, too," she said.

  It was finally real. She had waited so long for this moment. He was finally hers. Nothing could stop them.

  "I think I'm ready," she said.

  Max and Tracy hadn't had sex yet. They kissed and cuddled, but she insisted they wait. She had such bad experiences with the first two guys she slept with. There was no way of knowing if the timing was the issue, but she assumed things might have been different if she had not given it up so easily.

  The more time they were together she realized Max was different from the other two. He was the first guy she kissed. The first guy she truly loved. She decided that she didn't want to wait another minute.

  "Not yet," he said.

  "Why?"

  "We can't do it here in the living room. What if your mom comes?"

  "She's sleeping. It's fine."

  Max shook his head. Tracy had never imagined that he would turn her down. She knew he liked her, but she also knew he was afraid of her mother. Who could blame him?

  Tracy pushed her raging hormones aside, took a deep breath, and collapsed on the back on the couch. Maybe he was right to be cautious. It did not feel right though. It was like torture.

  Tracy's hormones were hard to control before she started having sex, but actually engaging made them worse. Now she had this haunting desire and Max was the perfect catch, but he was pushing her away.

  "You mad?" he asked.

  "Yes."

  This was not the bad boy she thought she knew. He had a conscience. Keisha was wrong about Max. He was not a ho. He was actually the nicest guy she knew.