by Kelly Myers
I promise everyone that it’s the last emergency meeting I will call for an entire year. Beatrice straight-up tells me that she doesn’t believe I can go a full year, and Marianne assures me that life wouldn’t be very interesting without emergency meetings, but they both agree to come over to my place to help me with my brand new and improved plan.
I already have the title: Operation Michael Barnes.
Unfortunately, that’s pretty much all I have.
The epiphany of how much I care about him has hit me, but that doesn’t exactly change the fact that my career could still be in jeopardy.
However, that doesn’t mean there’s not a solution. I feel as if I’ve prepared my whole life for this. After all, haven’t I proved time and time again that any challenge can be overcome if one just creates the perfect plan?
Elena comes straight back to my place after coffee. She’s buzzing with excitement, and chattering about how excited she is to meet Michael for real.
I’m not as confident as she is that this will all work out, but I still let her chatter away about how he should join us for brunch. I even imagine it for a second. I have the distinct feeling that Michael would love a brunch with the ladies.
He and Beatrice would play off each other and keep us all laughing, and Marianne would ask him inappropriate questions, but he wouldn’t back down.
I shake off the daydreams though. There’s no point in fantasizing if I only have a 50-50 shot of actually winning him back.
In fact, after three hours of brainstorming with Elena at my apartment (and taking a quick break to go get tacos), I’m not even sure the odds are that high. I’m feeling like maybe I’ve got a 20% chance.
Elena tells me to stop being ridiculous, but she also can’t really come up with a solution. Her only suggestion is that I first tell him how I feel.
“And then what?” I ask for the billionth time. “One of us will have to switch departments, and it’s not going to be me! But I also can’t ask him to switch.”
Elena only has a tentative grasp of office politics to begin with so she has no answer.
“Plus, what if he is over with me?” I throw my hands up in the air. “After all the drama I’ve put him through, I wouldn’t blame him.”
“He is not over with you,” Elena says.
“You’ve literally never met him.”
We go in circles like that with no results until Marianne and Beatrice show up.
They bring wine, which I do not appreciate.
“We are not going to come up with the perfect plan if we get tipsy in the middle of the afternoon.” I grab the bottles from Beatrice and shove them in my cabinet.
“It’s almost 5.” Totally unperturbed, Beatrice moves to grab my wine glasses off the shelf.
Marianne starts singing “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”
Overall, they’re acting like this is some sort of celebration and not an emergency meeting.
“You guys, seriously.” I accept the glass of red wine Beatrice pours me since there’s clearly no stopping them from drinking, but I try to sound as intense as possible. “We need to come up with a plan.”
“No, I need a recap.” Marianne flops down on my couch and curls her legs underneath her. “Because I’m definitely lost, you like Michael now?”
“She loves him!” Elena jumps up and down and shrieks like a little kid.
“Ok, I would not go that far,” I say but I can feel the red flush to my cheeks giving me away.
“Is the real Zoe tied up with duct tape in the closet or something?” Beatrice joins Marianne on the couch.
I sigh and take a seat. They’re not going to be satisfied unless I explain.
“Let me start at the beginning.” I cast my mind back to the trip to New York and wonder how I can possibly explain the connection I felt with Michael. I already told them that the whole thing was a huge mistake, how do I describe my fear and denial. “Ok, no, there’s too much.”
Elena dances across the room, too excited to sit down. “What Zoe is trying to say is that, with some help from me, she has finally seen the light!”
Marianne claps her hands, but Beatrice only leans forward and fixes me with a glare.
“Do you still work at Hastings?” she asks.
I nod.
“And does Michael still work at Hastings?”
I nod again.
Beatrice leans back with a resigned sigh. “So what’s the point? It still seems hopeless.”
Beatrice’s reasoning cuts me to the quick. She’s right. I know she’s right, and I have no answer to her.
“The point is that Zoe has finally learned to throw caution to the wind.” Marianne beams at me. I knew she would be Elena’s side in all this.
“I wouldn’t say that,” I say. “I don’t want to ruin my career still.”
“But you do want Michael?” Beatrice asks.
“Yes.” I raise my chin and speak with perfect confidence. “I do.”
Beatrice looks me up and down before nodding once. “Then we’ll have to figure something out.”
I can’t help but grin. With three extra brains, surely we can come up with something.
An hour later, we have accomplished nothing.
Well. Not exactly nothing. We have finished a bottle of wine and ordered pizza.
As far as how I can possibly be with Michael, we’ve got nothing. Zero. Nada. Zip.
“I’m doomed,” I say. “I’m gonna be alone forever.”
Elena reaches out towards where I’m sprawled on the couch and rubs my arm. “That’s not true.”
“Either I have to leave my job,” I say. “Or he does, and I’m not going to ask him to do that, it would be a terrible way to start a relationship.”
“Ok, but let’s go over the different departments at your office,” Beatrice says. “Maybe there’s something we haven’t considered.
I roll my eyes. “There’s no use.”
There aren’t that many departments at Hastings, and the ones besides my own are not the pure consulting work. They’re more customer-service oriented. Everyone dreams of transferring to my department, and no one wants to transfer out. We’re the elite.
“But maybe Michael is more open to transferring than you are,” Marianne says.
“No way.” I shake my head. “He’s ambitious, and we were rivals for a reason.”
“And you sure there’s no exception to the rule about superiors not being able to date?” Marianne asks.
Beatrice and I give her matching glares. Marianne is obsessed with finding exceptions. She’s actually pretty good at talking herself out of trouble or convincing people to let her off, but there’s no amount of charm that’s going to fix this one.
“If I date Michael, I can kiss that promotion goodbye,” I say.
Beatrice stands up and raises her hands. “Ok, how about this? Patience.”
I raise my brows. Elena and Marianne wear identical cynical expressions.
“Seriously, all good things come to those who wait,” Beatrice says. “If Michael is the real deal, isn’t he worth waiting for?”
“Yes,” I say. It’s not even a question. “I can’t even think of being with anyone else, but how long would I have to wait.”
Beatrice shrugs. “Until you guys can date without serious repercussions.”
“You want her to wait an unknown amount of time?” Marianne scoffs, but I mull over Beatrice’s words.
“I could do that,” I say. “But what if he doesn’t wait for me?”
Beatrice gives me a sad smile, but it’s Elena who answers. “That’s part of the risk.”
I stand up and start pacing again.
“Let me get this straight.” I face my three friends. “You’re saying I should just go up to Michael and tell him how I feel and tell him I want to be with him, but since that’s impossible right now, I’m willing to wait.”
I quake at the enormity of that kind of confession. It’s terrifying. I would be going out on a huge limb. I would b
e exposing myself and my emotions in a way I’ve never done.
“And then I just ask him if he’s willing to wait?”
My friends look at me and then one another. Almost in sync, they start the nod.
“That is literally the worst plan in the world,” I say.
Beatrice starts laughing, and Marianne just shrugs.
“Can you come up with anything better?” Elena asks.
“No,” I say. “But I don’t know if I can go through with it.”
Without hesitating, Marianne leaps to her feet and grabs a second bottle of wine.
We make a toast to me finding my bravery. Then we settle down. Now that the plan – the horrible plan – has been made, there’s nothing left to do but talk about Michael. Marianne wants to hear the whole story over again. She insists I start at the beginning.
“So when we were paired up for the client?” I ask.
“No, actually, start when you first saw him!”
“It wasn’t love at first sight, and that was years ago,” I say.
Elena sighs. “So romantic.”
Since we have nothing better to do, I humor them. I describe everything about Michael. How he jokes around, but still knows how to work hard. How he grew up wanting to fit in and doing whatever he could to get along with people. I explain how I used to think he was fake, but now I understand, he genuinely likes other humans. I try to retell some of his jokes, but I can’t do it like he can.
Then I tell them about New York, but this time, I don’t call it a mistake. I admit that I was starting to fall. During that dinner, I felt emotions I didn’t even have names for. I tell them that I felt seen. Somehow Michael saw me as more than just an uptight corporate drone. He saw me for who I was.
I recap the episode in the bathroom, which Marianne loves, but it terrifies Elena since she can’t help wondering what would have happened if someone knocked. Beatrice just laughs and laughs.
When I described how he asked me out the first time, and I said no, they all agreed I was in a tough position.
Then we cheer up as I enlist Beatrice’s help to reenact the 3k.
Elena points out that it’s a good sign that he kept asking me out. It means he’s more likely to want to be with me and be willing to wait.
I still say it’s a 50-50 chance.
My brain is telling me to cower away from those odds, but my gut is screaming at me to rush in like a fool.
For once, I’m going to go with my gut.
After we finish the bottle of wine and stuff ourselves with pizza, Marianne suggests we pick out an outfit. We all know it won’t matter, but it’s something to do, so we dive into my closet with total enthusiasm.
Elena fights hard for a flowing dress with floral print because it looks like something a girl in a romantic comedy would wear. She’s not dissuaded when I point out that it’s a summer dress.
Meanwhile Marianne wants me to go in wearing a skin-tight pink number that’s barely work appropriate.
“It shows off your body,” Marianne says. “You need to show him what he’s missing.”
Beatrice tells me to dress for battle. She knows it’s going to be a tough conversation, so she suggests no-nonsense grey slacks with a thick wool blazer.
“That is so boring,” Marianne says.
“Definitely not romantic,” Elena says.
While they bicker, I contemplate the options.
I rifle around in my closet until I find what I’m looking for: a high-waisted navy wool skirt, and a cream-colored blouse with some ruffles at the collar. Simple. Professional. But not too serious.
They all approve, and I feel ever-so-slightly better.
I know a good outfit isn’t going to save me. I know I’m going to be terrified come Monday morning.
Even so, as my friends say goodbye and head out, one by one, I feel hope. Despite the flimsy plan, I know I’m going to survive.
And if Michael will give me one more chance, I might even thrive.
27
On Monday, it snows. It’s nothing major, just a gentle sprinkling of flurries. Marianne texts that it’s a good omen. I’m not so certain.
In fact, I’m more inclined to think the snow means that I’m destined for a cold and lonely life with nothing but a bunch of cats to keep me company during the long Chicago winters. I don’t even like cats.
When I get to my office, I brush the snowflakes off my coat and throw my purse down on my chair.
I go over the plan once more in my head.
Step One: Find Michael.
Step Two: Tell him how I feel.
The simplicity makes me nauseous. There are no detailed notes; there’s no nuance. And no back-up plan.
Despite my nerves, I don’t want to back out. I know in my bones that I have to do this. Even if he rejects me, it will be worth it. I’ve been stifling my true emotions for so long, it will be a relief to get it all out in the open.
Although the thought of him rejecting me does make my heart drop.
I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I can only control my own actions.
I settle down behind my computer and ponder how to approach Step One. I could swing by his office, but I don’t want anyone to see me.
Then again, I could just say we’re finishing up one last thing with the project. It’s all done and submitted, but no one needs to know that.
If I want to find Michael, I’m going to have to seek him out. Since our joint assignment is over, we don’t have any meetings on the calendar today.
I’m not sure I want to tell him how I feel in the middle of the office though. Even behind a closed door, it doesn’t really feel fitting to hand him my heart while our colleagues are only a few feet away.
I need to get him out of the office somehow. I glance out the window. It’s still only flurrying, but the snow could pick up.
Would he even agree to a walk along the river? And could it be that romantic if the snow starts coming down hard?
I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be romantic no matter what.
Even so, I open a tab on my desktop and look up the weather prediction. It’s supposed to snow all morning, but that doesn’t mean the snow will stick.
I try to gauge the exact texture of the snow drifting by my window. I decide it’s not the heavy damp kind that builds up. A walk along the river is certainly not out of the question.
But what if Michael says no thanks? What if he’s had enough of walking with me in the cold while I stammer out various confessions?
I groan and slouch down in my chair.
There’s nothing for it. I can’t back down. I need to screw my courage to the sticking place and just ask him to meet me by the river walk.
If he says no, I’ll have to improvise.
I frown and contemplate. If he says no, should I really push it? What if he needs to disengage from me to recover? If he’s decided to wash his hands of me and all my drama, is it fair of me to force him to hear me out?
The thought of having to shove all my emotions back into a tight little box and lock them up sends me spiraling into a panic. I have to tell him how I feel. Even if nothing can come of it, I can’t just forget everything. I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what might have happened.
I’ll be an old woman thinking about this day in November when I had a chance at winning back the man of my dreams (a small chance, but a chance nonetheless), and I didn’t take it because I wasn’t sure he wanted to hear me out.
This is agony. I can’t imagine why people put themselves through this.
Then I remember how warm and secure I felt in Michael’s arms. I remember laughing without hesitation with him. I remember teasing him during the 3k.
Yeah. That’s why people are willing to go through such pain. The reward is worth it.
Not that I’ll get to enjoy the reward. I’m willing to wait. Michael may not be. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has major issues trusting me after the last few weeks
. I’ve said certain things to him, and then acted in a totally opposite manner.
If I were him, I wouldn’t trust me.
I sit up straight and open up my email. There’s no more delaying it. I’ll just shoot him a message asking if he wants to take a walk at lunch. If it’s snowing too hard, I’ll just have to blurt out my feelings in the lobby of our building. I wince at the mental image, but steel myself to send the message.
Then an email from Nick pops into my inbox:
Good morning!
Swing by my office when you get a chance.
Nick
I frown. We already gave Nick our final report so I can’t imagine what he wants. He’s never invited me to just “swing by” his office.
I chew on my lip. Maybe I missed something in my final report. Or maybe the client isn’t happy.
My stomach lurches as another thought pops into my head. Maybe a rumor has reached Nick’s ears. Someone might know about me and Michael.
That stupid train ride! A third of our office takes the Brown line. Any one of our colleagues could have been in that car. Michael and I weren’t exactly yelling, but we were close. That’s all it takes to start a rumor.
Even before that, someone could have seen him pull me into that bathroom. I didn’t spot anyone in the office, but I didn’t exactly have my wits about me that day.
Just one person seeing us would be all it takes to get the rumor mill at Hastings whirring. My heart starts pounding at a frantic pace. What is Nick going to say to me? He might fire me. He has that power. He could just say he doesn’t want someone at the company who doesn’t take her job seriously. He could even say I used the work trip to New York as a vacation. It’s not true, but he could say it.
Is Michael getting summoned too? My fingers itch to send him a text. I try to come out with some defense. Maybe Nick only has suspicions. In that case, I can just deny everything, right?
Suspicions would be enough to bar me from advancement though.
I bury my face in my hands. I’ve been so stupid. If I had just faced my true feelings for Michael earlier, maybe we could have been more careful. Or I could have told him how I felt but asked him to wait weeks ago. Instead I had to hem and haw and get seduced by him in inconvenient places.