Beyond Repair

by Chelsea Camaron

  For years, whether Harrison and I were together or not, I also sent him packages as well. He has had a piece of my heart from the very beginning. I try to tell myself it’s because he was so close with Matt, but reality is I think it’s so much more. I wasn’t ready to admit to it or face what all of that would mean for me two years ago, but now, Harrison doesn’t have a piece of my heart. No, he is my heart. Since that day, I’ve lived with the regret of what I said and did. Immediately after my dad left, I tried calling, texting, emailing. Harrison shut me out, slammed and locked the door to any form of reconciliation. He finally had enough of my shit. Matt told me it was coming, I didn’t listen. Matt told me a lot of things and I never fucking listened. My life is a mess now and he isn’t able to help me anymore.

  Harrison has always and will always have the support from his family. I don’t know what that’s like. I got a glimpse of it, a small taste of being important enough to be thought of as an individual with feelings when I was with Harrison. His mom, Marguerite was so considerate of me after Harrison’s accident. Within hours of getting the call that Harrison had been injured during a deployment, she had tracked down my phone number and contacted me. He had withstood shrapnel wound to his knee. He would be fine after the surgery. However, the damage was done. At twenty seven, Harrison received a medical discharge from the Marine Corp and had a full knee replacement surgery. Rods and pins now replaced bone and cartilage. The scars running down his right leg were nothing but a visible reminder of the rehabbing of his knee that never would work the same again. To this day, he walks with a slight limp, but his build makes it look more like a swagger step than the true disability that it is. During cold weather or rain, the issues he faces with it are more prominent. Prideful as he is, no one will ever really know if he’s in pain.

  Throughout all of that, Marguerite Lawson was so kind and considerate of me. She made sure I was informed of Harrison’s daily progress, even though we weren’t officially a couple at the time. Oh sure, we slept together, but I would never commit to Harrison. Thinking back, I was a complete bitch to Marguerite. We didn’t actually meet until after the accident and Harrison had relocated to South Carolina to be closer to me; the same weekend it all ended. Harrison brought me home with him because Maggie was going to be home with Dina and their boyfriends. Harrison loves those two girls and is the typical overprotective big brother. We were at his parent’s house, when I totally judged and offended Marguerite. Oh, I’m such a horrible person. I don’t dislike motorcycle clubs. In fact, Harrison and I share some great memories on his bike. I don’t know how to handle meeting new people and I messed that up.

  Oh Matt! What a mess! I know they would want to know what has happened. How do I tell them? Will any of them even hear me out? Harrison can’t stand the sight of me. Does his mother feel the same way? They deserve closure though. What if they sent a care package recently? I can’t let them find out by getting a returned box.

  Gathering my resolve, I know what I have to do. The Lawson family have a right to know, and it’s something they deserve to hear face to face. It’s about more than Harrison.

  Chapter 4

  Always At Arms-Length

  Harrison

  Everyone is gone, including Sophia. As soon as Maggie and Brayden pulled off, she disappeared. Tonight is not going at all how I thought it would. I should be balls deep inside Sophia at this very moment, not thinking about my ex.

  With all the love and romance in the air, I was in high hopes that Sophia would want more. This started as pure sex, yes, but we have cultivated a real friendship. When I arrived in Charlotte, love, romance, those were the last things I had on my mind. Maggie, my sister, was going through a lot, and needed me. I needed the escape. We spent the first night with me under her needle as her artistic creation came to life on my body. I’m a man, I have needs. Within two weeks of that first tattoo by her, we were fuck buddies. That’s all either of us could give to one another at the time; a release, and a damn good release at that.

  In the beginning, she kept me at arms-length, maintaining any and all emotional distance. She wouldn’t look me in the eye. Fucking was just that, a good fuck. All control, submitted to me; she would give me all of her body, but nothing beyond that. Fine with me. At first, I was recovering from the blow to my ego, delivered by Tiffany. To have someone give me complete authority and control was one hell of a confidence booster. I was adjusting to life in Charlotte, and I didn’t have time for the demands of a relationship. Over time though, we have built a true friendship. The more time I actually spend getting to know Sophia, the more things seem to fit for us.

  At six feet tall, I tower over the spit fire that is the five foot one inch powerhouse beauty of Sophia. She’s a tiny thing with curves, a tight ass, and thighs with a real grip. Her breasts are perky and full, but not over flowing. She fills my larges hands, but barely. It’s the perfect amount for a good squeeze and a pinch. Her Latin heritage gives her a natural tan skin tone, dark hair, and dark eyes that consume me.

  We have spent countless hours together in and out of the bedroom. Getting to know her has made me value her as a person, not just a body to enjoy. Knowing her as I now do, I still don’t fully understand why she hasn’t wanted a real relationship. She needs security, something I was hoping to give her. Up until Tiffany showed up I was hoping Sophia would see that I am her safe place.

  The problem now is, as much as I want to go to Sophia, I can’t help a tugging at my conscience to hear what Tiffany came here to say. As stuck up as Tiffany can be, she would never have intruded tonight if it wasn’t important. The jackass inside me sent her away without a second glance. Tiffany is selfish, but she has never been this inconsiderate before. Rude, yes, but to make a scene, that’s not her style.

  First, I will find Sophia. She needs to know she’s my priority. Tomorrow, I will deal with Tiffany. Yes, tomorrow I will deal with my ex-lover.

  Tiffany

  Knowing I’m not welcome makes this entire situation even more difficult. Decisions have to be made. I can’t put this off as much as I would like to. Tomorrow I need to share the news with Harrison and his family so I can return to South Carolina and finalize the arrangements. Matt always told me I kept too many people at arms-length, not letting anyone get close enough to see the real me. The Lawson’s don’t know the real me. If I had done so many things differently back then, everything now wouldn’t be so messed up.

  Sending a quick text to Harrison seems like the best idea at the moment.

  I know u don’t want to c me but I have 2 tell u something. Pls meet me tmrw morning w/ur parents. Once done I will return 2 SC. It’s important H 4 u and ur parents.

  What feels like an eternity later, but is mere minutes, I get a reply.

  Fine. Helen’s Pancakes 0900. After breakfast w/my parents I want u gone.

  Chapter 5

  Closure

  Harrison

  Sophia opens her door for me to enter. Her sharp greeting let me know things are far from okay between us.

  “Sophia, baby, why did you take off after the wedding?”

  Without pause, she responds. “Tiffany is here. Harrison, you came here running from her. There is too much unfinished business between the two of you. I felt the change in atmosphere upon her approach. I don’t play second best.” She sits in her chair, the twinkle usually evident in her eyes now gone.

  “What you felt in the air is anger and resentment. I didn’t come to Charlotte to run away from Tiffany. You fucking know why I came here. My sister needed me. Tiffany made it clear where I stood with her. Why would I stay there? You know you’re not second best, why the hell would you say that shit?’

  “So you say, Harrison. However, to be over with no ties left, Tiffany sure as shit is here now. She will never let you go.” The bitch inside her, now coming out fierce like an animal that’s been caged.

  “My future is not with Tiffany, that’s done. Damn it, I want a fucking future with you and you know it
.” I say, raising my voice a little more than necessary.

  “Future, hmmmph……Let’s cut the shit, Lawson. You had a very long term relationship with Tiffany. Things were left unsettled. For months, after you moved here, she called you, and you refused to answer. She wounded your pride and shredded your fragile ego. Instead of being a man, you shut her out. In no way have either of you had any closure. I have no closure from my past. I know what a burden that is to carry. You have no closure from the first woman you ever loved. With all this baggage, we have no future. We never stood a chance.”

  “How can you say that shit?”

  “Get real Harrison, you’re a good fuck. A damn good fuck. My heart has never and will never be available to you. It’s no wonder Tiffany didn’t want to introduce you to her family. Either you don’t listen or you’re a dumbass. From the start I told you, it’s all sex. Take me, control me, enjoy my body, and we share a mutual release. My heart, my mind, my soul…none of those were on the table.”

  Who is the woman in front of me? Her words are a serrated knife over my rapidly beating heart, more than just cutting; they are ripping into my soul. Did she really agree with Tiffany that I’m an embarrassment? I admit we agreed to a physical relationship in the beginning. Sophia told me not to get attached, and clearly I didn’t listen.

  “What the fuck, Soph? What is this bullshit you’re spouting off?”

  “You need to fucking leave. This is all messed up. Fuck buddies, Harrison. Fucking only. No romance, no attachments, no fucking future. Go get some closure with Tiffany or give her another chance. I don’t give a shit what you do, but face that mess you have with her.”

  Pissed off beyond measure, I leave slamming her door behind me. Leaving Sophia is a loss I feel more than ever before. I never expected this from her.

  Going home, I am hoping to escape into a deep sleep quickly. That doesn’t happen. It’s now after three am and with breakfast just a few short hours away, my mind drifts to Tiffany. What the hell is she here now for? Matt’s deployed leaving me unable to contact him easily for quick answers.

  Sophia is right. I do need closure with Tiffany. The day she basically called me an embarrassment, I shut down and shut her out. Refusing all of her calls, visits, emails, and bailing completely on all attempts at communication with her. I tied up my life in South Carolina in a matter of days and relocated to Charlotte, never looking back.

  Sophia is wrong about us, about our future. I know she cares. Her reaction tonight is out of insecurities. She didn’t mean all the things she said. She can’t. She wants to push me away. At least, this is what I’m allowing myself to believe.

  Chapter 6

  A Hole That Can Never Be Filled

  Tiffany

  Sleep evaded me. Between nerves about seeing the Lawson’s and dreams of Matt, I maybe slept an hour. Morning arrives all too quickly. Knowing I will be an emotional mess for this conversation, I skip the makeup and hair. I have no one to impress, jeans and a t-shirt will do.

  Sitting alone in a restaurant feeds my insecurities of being alone. Sipping my coffee, I am waiting for the Lawson’s to arrive. The air seems to shift, alerting me to Harrison’s presence.

  “Hello, Tiffany.” He greets me sharply.

  “Harrison.” It’s all I can manage to say. I can’t say I’m happy to see him, nothing about my life is happy anymore. I quickly put my cup down so Harrison won’t notice my trembling hands. I’m barely holding it together.

  Harold and Marguerite Lawson enter behind him. I stand to greet them, southern manners taking over my need to keep space between me and Harrison. I can’t help but snicker as I hear Harrison mutter.

  “Damn, Tiff, you look like shit. If you’re here to get me back, this isn’t a good start.”

  “Life is short Harrison. I’m not here for you or to look good for anyone.” I whisper in response. Such an ego he’s always had. This isn’t about him, this is about Matt.

  After the casual pleasantries of hellos, and short simple hugs all around, we finally sit down. Taking a deep breath to brace myself, I begin.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Lawson, Harrison, thank you for coming. I know my arrival is surprising and an intrusion. I apologize for last night. I didn’t realize what the event was.” I inhale. “I won’t keep you long.” I exhale and continue. “Over the years you have been kind, loving, and accepting of Matt.”

  Pausing again, to gather my composure. I have to garner the courage to utter the words I haven’t yet been able to say. The words that I don’t want to accept as my new reality. Blowing out a breath, I focus on what I need to get out.

  “Since Matt joined the Marines, other than me, y’all have been his only family. I feel you need to know what has happened. This isn’t something I wanted to share by email. I wasn’t sure you would have accepted my phone calls.” Before I can get the words out I begin sobbing.

  Quickly, Harrison pulls me up and into his arms.

  “What? Tiff, what is wrong with Matt?” He calmly asks.

  I have yet to come to terms with the loss, so it’s not something I’m prepared to speak about.

  “He’s gone, Harrison. He was killed when his convoy was ambushed.” I whisper through my sobs.

  At those words, Harrison pulls me tight against him. He’s gently rubbing my back in a consoling manner. I hear someone crying next to me, but I can’t deal with anyone or anything right now. If Harrison wasn’t holding me, I’m sure I wouldn’t be capable of standing.

  Harrison whispers my name. I begin to pull away thinking he wants space. Instead, he places his hand in my hair pushing my head back against his chest. He’s now holding me so close and tight that I can barely breathe. I inhale his scent. In this moment, uncomfortable and emotional as it is, I feel a slight comfort from my grief. I feel secure for the first time ever, with somebody other than Matt.

  The last conversation I had with Matt plays rapidly and loudly in my head.

  “Tiff, stop being such a bitch. Find someone and let them love you. Things with Harrison could’ve worked if you would’ve let him love you through it. You have a heart of gold, but never let anyone see it. You’re going to end up alone if you can’t let someone in. Let someone love you, Tiffany.”

  My heart constricts thinking back on that moment. I snuggle into Harrison. Reality sinks in, without Matt I really am alone because I didn’t let anyone in.

  Harrison

  A train barrels over my heart and mind. The weight of Tiffany’s grief compounds with my shock and it almost brings me to my knees. Pure male instinct takes over. The need to be strong for Tiffany is all that is keeping me upright. Knowing how close they were, feeling the loss cut her so deep, I tune everything out around us. I can’t even think of my parents or my own loss becoming consumed in what she’s feeling. I hold her close unsure if this is even providing an ounce of comfort.

  “Shh. Tiff, I’m sorry, so sorry.” I say, continuing to hold her close, gently rubbing her back. She gathers her composure and pulls away from me. I immediately feel the loss at our disconnection. We both sit down. I grab her hand, needing to feel her touch, to know she’s okay.

  My mom is laying her head on my dad’s shoulder, crying silently. I realize the enormity of this loss to Tiffany and my family. However, it’s not sinking in the loss that I, too, am facing.

  Matt and I shared a long, close friendship. During my time in the Marines, we spent all of our free time running around together. Tiffany would visit when we were stationed in Camp Lejeune. Matt was a brother to her. The attraction she and I both felt for each other was undeniable, but we didn’t start a relationship right away. For the first two years, we just hung out together with Matt; shamelessly flirting. Throughout the years we were actually together, Tiffany broke up with me multiple times. Matt always told me to be patient with her. Even when I moved, he would try to make me understand. I was stubborn and hurt so I didn’t want to hear it. Thinking back to that last conversation we had about Tiffany, my chest aches.
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