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Bit Rot

Page 14

by Douglas Coupland


  AIDEN

  Ready?

  ORNELLE CAMERON

  This is always the exciting part.

  KRYSTAL

  I can’t wait!

  EUGENE

  Ready!

  Eugene taps the screen. We pan to the right where up on the ceiling a glowing blue halo appears. There’s a little bit of build-up noise, but not too much. Suddenly, Vooop! George Washington falls from the ceiling and onto a foam block beneath it.

  KRYSTAL

  Well that was easy.

  EUGENE

  Diego, quick, spray him with narcotizing mist!

  Diego takes a spray can from the wall. He grabs a confused George Washington by his collar…

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  Wait — are you the devil?

  DIEGO

  No. My family comes from Acapulco.

  Diego sprays him in the face. Washington passes out.

  EUGENE

  Now let’s take him into the visitors’ suite!

  ORNELLE CAMERON

  I’ll leave you children to your work.

  SARAH

  And I’m going up to the surface to chainsmoke by myself.

  4 - GEORGE’S BEDROOM

  Everyone’s wearing scrubs and gloves and is gathered around a bed on which a mostly naked George lies. Diego is just finishing putting George into tighty-whities.

  KRYSTAL

  This place is like a really good hotel room, but why is everything white?

  AIDEN

  We tell our visitors that they’re in a cosmic way station. White looks more afterlife-y.

  Krystal points to just above George’s waistband…

  KRYSTAL

  Look, he has crabs! See? On his crab-ladder going up to his belly button.

  AIDEN

  You sure found that quickly.

  KRYSTAL

  Want to know something else?

  She lifts George’s waistband and peeks in…

  KRYSTAL (CONT’D)

  George is a redhead.

  EUGENE

  Fire crotch duly spotted, Krystal. Let’s do our overall assessment, shall we?

  They survey George’s body. It’s an old man’s body.

  KRYSTAL

  How old is he?

  DIEGO

  Forty-four real years.

  KRYSTAL

  (truly amazed)

  History sure is brutal to people. But he looks so peaceful. So sweet.

  AIDEN

  Am I sensing Daddy issues?

  KRYSTAL

  Please! My father is a smoking-hot fox with a killer body and…

  Aiden smirks.

  KRYSTAL

  Okay, so I think my father is the hottest man who ever lived. But is it wrong to look past what would appear to be…(looks at body)…an almost insurmountable number of bodily defects to love the…(fondly)…real man trapped within?

  DIEGO

  Ooh. Sizzle. Out of my way you horny brat.

  Diego injects a massive dose of something into George’s arm.

  KRYSTAL

  What’s that?

  DIEGO

  Antibiotics. Fungicides. Larvicides. Insecticides. Vaccinations against polio, measles and all other immunizable pathogens.

  Eugene gives Krystal and Diego digital clipboards.

  EUGENE

  Let’s begin. (horrified) Good Lord, what man boobs!

  KRYSTAL

  What’s your man-boob policy, Dr. Eugene? They’re likely authentic to his period in history…but still…

  EUGENE

  Man boobs are the most unsexy things in the universe, Krystal. These…(jiggles a boob)…two jellyfish must only harm George’s self-esteem, which will in turn harm the formation of the United States. The contents of these puppies are being removed within the hour.

  KRYSTAL

  Phew.

  Diego points to massively oversized nipples…

  DIEGO

  What about these salami nipples?

  EUGENE

  Radius reduction surgery. Let’s continue our survey…

  We have a montage of defect detection. (This is a lifetime opportunity for a makeup person…)

  TOGETHER

  Toe rot…Eczema…Acne scars…Psoriasis…Fungal toenails…Frown lines…Improperly healing scars…Pink eye…Unfortunate tan line…

  KRYSTAL

  I’ll take off his wig…

  She attempts to remove it, then puts a hand to her mouth, shocked…

  KRYSTAL (CONT’D)

  It’s not a wig! It’s his real hair…

  DIEGO

  Hoja! I bet if you wet it with some hot water, it’d turn into ramen noodles.

  They all exhale and make eyes at each other…

  EUGENE

  But we know we’re all avoiding the elephant in the room, aren’t we?

  Guilty eyes. Silence.

  EUGENE (CONT’D)

  Let’s open George’s mouth…

  Close up on the mouth. Everyone is crazy tense. Eugene opens the jaws, makes a shocked face, but reins it in, and then puts in his fingers.

  EUGENE (CONT’D)

  These so-called dentures, George, my friend…

  We zoom in on the most disgusting slobber-covered wooden chunks with white things and food particles sticking out…Spare nothing in making this the most disgusting thing ever created by human beings.

  EUGENE (CONT’D)

  …are history.

  Krystal squeals. Aiden holds his hand to his mouth. Eugene and Diego are loving it, though.

  EUGENE (CONT’D)

  Voila! The embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the past.

  Sarah walks in just then…

  SARAH

  Cripes, Eugene, is that his teeth? Throw them out!

  Eugene lobs them into the trash can but misses.

  EUGENE

  Oopsy.

  He goes over and picks them up, goes back to where he was and tries throwing again…and misses.

  EUGENE (CONT’D)

  Where is my mind today?

  DIEGO

  Let me try…

  Diego goes and picks them up, tries throwing them from where Eugene was and fails. Aiden steps up…

  AIDEN

  My turn!

  He tries and fails.

  AIDEN (CONT’D)

  Whoops. Want to give it a try, Krystal?

  KRYSTAL

  I’ll pass. Sarah?

  SARAH

  You people!

  Sarah takes a paper towel and uses it to remove the dentures from Aiden’s hand. She successfully deposits them in the trash.

  SARAH (CONT’D)

  Now get to work.

  EUGENE

  Someone’s touchy today.

  SARAH

  I have my seventy-fifth high school reunion tonight.

  AIDEN

  So?

  SARAH

  I’ve done nothing with my life. Everyone there is going to be ninety-two. Everyone’s going to have pictures of great-great-grandchildren. I’ll be there with pictures of my cat robot.

  AIDEN

  You need a small makeover yourself.

  SARAH

  No need for sarcasm.

  AIDEN

  No, I mean it. I’ll help you shop online for something flattering.

  SARAH

  You would?

  AIDEN

  Sure.

  SARAH

  (Glee!) A man helping me shop for clothes! It doesn’t get any better!

  She’s off.

  AIDEN

  I can’t believe I just offered to help Sarah shop online.

  EUGENE

  We have to wake George up now. Are you ready, Mr. Time Ambassador?

  AIDEN

  (back to the team) Yes. Right. Wakey-wakey. Krystal, dim the lights for us, okay?

  KRYSTAL

  On it.

  We close in on George on the bed. Aiden mists something in his face. George opens his eyes
.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  Heavens! Where am I?

  Note: as he is without his dentures, George’s voice will be slightly “gummy.”

  AIDEN

  You’re in a cosmic way station, Mr. Washington. We’re a division of heaven.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  So, I’m dead then?

  AIDEN

  No such thing. And when we’re finished with you, you’re going to be more alive than ever.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  I’m confused. Scripture says nothing about cosmic way stations.

  AIDEN

  Just relax and leave the thinking to us. For the moment, Mr. Washington, could I ask you to stand and join me over here on this white circle?

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  I…I suppose so. Who are these others?

  Aiden points to Eugene.

  AIDEN

  That’s Eugene. He’s my boss.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  (on the way to circle) Hello, Eugene. I’m George Washington.

  EUGENE

  Nice to meet you, Mr. Washington. As my subordinate says, please stand on the white circle.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  (pauses) I have trouble with insubordination all the time.

  EUGENE

  (savouring this) Oh…really? And what do you do? Do you execute the offenders?

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  No, though it is oftentimes a temptation. I typically send them to the tropics, where they work as unpaid sailors for a decade or so. I can recommend no more effective device as a means of ensuring loyalty.

  George nods to Diego.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  You…slave. I am parched. Fetch me some water.

  DIEGO

  Fuck you, asshole.

  George doesn’t know how to process the words.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  But are you not dark complexioned?

  AIDEN

  Diego’s not a slave, Mr. Washington. Here in the cosmic way station, slavery doesn’t exist. Diego’s a confident industry professional in the world of wardrobe.

  DIEGO

  And two-time Debbie Award winner for historical authenticity.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  (genuinely perplexed) How does anything get done then if you have no slaves?

  The mood needs to change. Krystal to the rescue…

  KRYSTAL

  I’m Krystal. Let me guide you to the circle, George. Here…

  She places his feet on the manhole-sized white circle.

  KRYSTAL (CONT’D)

  Just stand tall and don’t move for a second. Hands on hips…

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  Okay then…

  George poses. Something goes fwoop-fwoop and George is body-scanned.

  KRYSTAL

  Perfect. Now come lie down again and let me get you a refreshing mint julep.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  A mint julep? Krystal, you are an angel. I mean that, an angel.

  KRYSTAL

  You’re too kind.

  She pats the sheets, indicating George is to lie down again. He does so.

  KRYSTAL (CONT’D)

  There. Now here’s your drink.

  Krystal unnecessarily touches George’s thigh and all the men notice.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  I feel like I’m dreaming. (sips) This julep is delici…

  He passes out.

  AIDEN

  Better wait till we get rid of the crabs before you make your move.

  KRYSTAL

  My move? I’ll do no such thing. I am here to train as a Time Ambassador. Though, frankly, maybe it would be good for George to have a bit of…

  DIEGO

  Company?

  KRYSTAL

  Well, the guy invented money. It’s the least any of us can do.

  AIDEN

  How will you get past the man-boob thing?

  KRYSTAL

  There’s nothing to get past. George is a sweet, compassionate, successful…

  AIDEN

  I bet you can’t get it up when the time comes.

  EUGENE

  Aiden! Watch your language, please. We keep a large supply of Lady Boner Tonic here. Krystal would never have to worry about getting herself actively aroused — but the psychology of a duo such as them copulating is fascinating.

  DIEGO

  I’m out of here. See you in surgery in an hour.

  EUGENE

  Diego’s correct. We have no time to speculate about age-inappropriate passion — old, withered flesh against taut, creamy…

  KRYSTAL

  I’m going to go check my email.

  She leaves.

  5 - ADMINISTRATION OFFICES

  Aiden and Sarah are seated beside each other…

  AIDEN

  For just ten extra dollars, you can get an extra identical sweater in seafoam green.

  SARAH

  What a deal!

  AIDEN

  And the drones can have it here from their warehouse in Haiti in…two hours.

  SARAH

  What would we do without drones?

  Both of them turn to directly face the camera and, in toneless zombie voices, say:

  TOGETHER

  Drones are the unavoidable future. There is nothing you can do to stop them.

  Back to normal…

  SARAH

  What about shoes?

  AIDEN

  I can barely shop for shoes for myself. I’m not going to help you shop for them.

  Sarah sniffles.

  AIDEN (CONT’D)

  What’s that…a cold?

  SARAH

  No. It’s just…

  AIDEN

  Just what?

  SARAH

  It’s just that I don’t have any friends.

  AIDEN

  What do you mean “no friends”? Just buy a friend patch for your browser toolbar.

  SARAH

  I mean a real friend made in real life.

  AIDEN

  Well, who has any of those?

  SARAH

  I can’t go shoe shopping with a browser extension friend. I need to be with a real human being.

  Aiden’s thinking: Oh God, do I really have to?

  AIDEN

  Fine. I’ll help you shop for shoes online. Let’s get it over with.

  SARAH

  Oh goody!

  6 - SURGER ROOM

  It’s an hour later and George is on the slab. There’s a pale green fabric drape between his head and the rest of him, and he’s leaning that head backwards in a hairdressing sink. Sarah is just finishing rinsing out the suds. Eugene and Diego are getting their tools in final position.

  EUGENE

  Well, Krystal, we’ve had harder makeovers than this.

  KRYSTAL

  What was your hardest makeover ever?

  EUGENE

  Who would it have been, Diego?

  DIEGO

  Genghis Khan. His body was one great big catcher’s mitt full of pus. Afterwards I had to power-wash the walls in here.

  EUGENE

  How is George’s hair looking?

  KRYSTAL

  He’s obviously never used a proper conditioner. But then people from history never did.

  EUGENE

  Hair conditioner only became popularized in the United States in the 1970s when shampoo manufacturers realized they could double their earnings from shampoo by dividing it into two different product categories.

  DIEGO

  (nods) Genius.

  KRYSTAL

  Can we talk to George while we operate?

  EUGENE

  By all means. Turn the general anaesthetic dial to “Conversation.”

  KRYSTAL

  Done.

  George wakes up.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON

  Where am I now? Oh it’s you, Krystal my angel!

  Krystal blushes while Eugene and Diego exchange a g
lance.

  GEORGE WASHINGTON (CONT’D)

  What’s happening to me?

 

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