A Deep Dark Secret

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Jillian hurried from phone to phone, deleting her school’s number from the various Caller ID screens, dialed into the voice mail system, and then waited to hear Mrs. Meyers’s voice. It was the first and only message that played, but strangely enough, the computerized voice didn’t say it was a new message. Still, Jillian deleted it and breathed a sigh of relief. She hated doing this kind of thing behind her mother’s back, but she just couldn’t see letting her mother find out about what she’d done earlier today, and she certainly didn’t want her knowing about that in-school suspension penalty.

  Jillian grabbed a Granny Smith apple from the ceramic fruit bowl on the counter, pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator, and ran upstairs. Today had turned out to be a lot better than she’d planned on, and now she could relax for a while and then do her homework.

  As soon as she stretched across her bed, though, she heard the phone ringing and saw the words “Mitchell Memorial.” She smiled when she realized it must be Nikki calling.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Jill.”

  “Hey, Nik. How are you?”

  “Better.”

  “I’m so glad to hear that.”

  “I can’t talk very long but my doctor said I could make a couple of phone calls today, so you know I placed you at the top of my list.”

  “I’ve really missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you, too.”

  “So, when will you get to come home?”

  “Maybe in a couple of weeks or so, but I’m not sure.”

  “Why so long?”

  “Because I’m sick.”

  “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Jill, I’ve got some really serious emotional problems, and that’s why I’ve been so depressed. I’ve been depressed for a really long time, but the reason no one knew was because I learned a long time ago how to make everyone believe I was the happiest girl in the world.”

  “But why?”

  Nikki didn’t respond.

  “Nik?”

  “Yeah, I’m here…Jill, there’s something I need to tell you. Something I’d never told anyone until I started doing therapy with my doctor and then sharing with the other kids in my group session here at the hospital. It’s a special group for kids just like me.”

  “What do you mean, kids like you?”

  Nikki paused again.

  “Nikki, please tell me what’s wrong,” Jillian said, afraid and almost in tears.

  “Jill, my dad used to touch me in places he shouldn’t have. He started doing it when I was only five years old and maybe before that, but that’s as far back as I can remember. I remember those times pretty well because I can still see him touching me the day before I went to kindergarten. I remember him telling me that because I was starting school, I was a big girl now and that big girls got to do special things that little girls didn’t get to do.”

  Jillian was mortified and totally shaken. “Oh my God, Nik.”

  “But, Jill, he did a lot more than that by the time I was eight, and that’s why Marcus kept telling everyone I wasn’t a virgin. He was telling the truth, but then when he and his teammates blurted out all that stuff in front of you that day your mom came to get me, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so ashamed. I was sadder than I’d been in a long time, and I just wanted to die. I started thinking about every one of those times my father had made me have sex with him, and it was tearing me apart. I couldn’t pretend anymore, and that’s why I took those pills.”

  “I’m so sorry, Nikki. I didn’t know.”

  “My mom didn’t know either, but the best thing she could have done when I was ten was divorce my father. Because when she did, he never got to do that to me again. I always made her think that the reason I never wanted to go visit him was because I was mad at him for leaving us. So she never made me spend time with him, and he never complained about it.”

  “Is that why you always said he was working whenever I asked about him?”

  “Yep. But, Jill, there are so many other kids in my support group who’ve had the same things happen to them, too, and some are even boys. Our session is for both inpatient and outpatient children. And you know what?”

  “What?”

  “It really helps to talk about it, and I’m glad my mom finally knows.”

  “Wow, what did she say?”

  “At first she cried a lot, but then she got mad and said I was lying.”

  “She doesn’t believe you?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I didn’t tell her about it until now. Then she said that the only reason I took those pills and made up such a big lie about my father was because I was embarrassed about having sex with those three boys. She said I was making up all these lies, just so I wouldn’t have to face all those kids at school anymore.”

  “Gosh, Nik, it must be hard having her be so angry at you.”

  “It is. It’s very hard. But I’m still glad I told her. And, actually, Jill, I would have told her a long time ago, but my father swore she would never believe me. He swore it all the time, and now I know he was right.”

  Jillian sat thinking about her own father and how his words to her had always been very similar. But mostly she thought about Miss G and how her disbelief in Nikki offered even more proof that there was no use in Jillian telling anyone about anything. Miss G’s denial sadly confirmed that Jillian would have to continue letting her father do what he wanted to her.

  “Well, I guess my time is almost up,” Nikki said. “But you’re still coming to see me this weekend, right?”

  “Yep. I’m coming with your mom. I mean, she does still come visit you, doesn’t she?”

  “Yeah, she comes. She doesn’t have a whole lot to say, but she still comes to check on me.”

  “Then I’ll see you in a few days.”

  “See you then. And I love you, Jill.”

  “I love you, too, Nik.”

  Jillian heard her best friend hanging up, and she pushed the end button on her cordless and set it down on her bed. A thousand thoughts circulated in her mind, but the one that stood out the most was the fact that not once had Jillian ever suspected that Nikki’s father was doing such awful things to her and that he’d been having real sex with her. The whole idea of it was so unsettling, and if having sexual intercourse with her father was the reason Nikki had tried to take her own life, then Jillian had to make sure her father never got a chance to go that far with her. She remembered back to when all the touching and oral sex had made her want to end her life, too, but she also remembered how quickly she’d snapped out of that way of thinking—once she realized her baby sister would be her father’s next victim.

  Jillian sat looking out of her window in a daze. That is, until she heard her father shouting her name and saw him storming into her room.

  “I spoke with your principal about an hour ago.”

  He was furious, and Jillian wondered how Mrs. Meyers had been able to get in touch with him since the school had never been in the habit of calling parents at work unless there was some sort of an emergency.

  “Here I was making my normal afternoon call to check our home voice mail and then I hear this disturbing message from your principal. So, of course, when I called her back she told me everything. She told me all about you and that boy, Kyle.”

  “We weren’t doing anything. And we were only out there for maybe five minutes.”

  “You had sex with him, didn’t you?”

  “No, Daddy. I swear.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “But I’m telling you the truth.”

  “Did you kiss him again?”

  “No.”

  “Jillian, why are you lying?”

  “I’m not.” She knew she was but she would never admit to him what really happened. Not this time.

  “We didn’t kiss or do anything else.”

  “I hate it when you lie like this. Especially when you don’t have to.
Especially when all I want is the truth.”

  His voice was a lot calmer, and Jillian didn’t know whether to feel relieved or afraid.

  “Look, I’m sorry for getting so angry, but I just don’t like you sneaking around with this Kyle character. I don’t like what I know he’s trying to do with you,” he said, sitting down on the bed next to Jillian. “But the more I think about it, I’m starting to realize that maybe there’s only one way for you to forget about him.”

  The odd look in his eyes unnerved Jillian, and she wondered what he was talking about.

  “I mean, let’s face it, you’re a beautiful young lady and I guess you’re just a lot more curious about sex than I realized. But actually, princess, I totally understand, because now that your little friend, Nikki, has done it, maybe that’s why you’re wanting to do it as well. Which is fine, but this Kyle character isn’t experienced enough for you to be doing something like that with him. All he is is some little punk who would only hurt you, but I could show you just how special lovemaking is really supposed to be.”

  Jillian’s heart pounded so heavily, she could hear it.

  “Making love is the kind of thing that should only happen between two people who love each other. People who love each other the way you and I do.”

  “But, Daddy, I’m not ready for anything like that. I won’t be ready for a very long time, and I never wanted to do anything like that with Kyle either.”

  “You keep saying that, but if that’s true, then why is this the second time you’ve been caught with him? I caught the two of you myself at the dance, and now some police officer caught you this afternoon.”

  “But we weren’t doing anything.”

  Her father chuckled like they were watching a sitcom. “Look, princess, whether you admit it or not, I know you’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about sex. You’ve been wanting to do it ever since Nikki did it with those three boys, haven’t you?”

  “No. Having sex before you get married is wrong.”

  “Not necessarily. Not if the two people doing it have a special kind of relationship and really care about each other.”

  Jillian stood up, stepped toward her open doorway, and considered running out of it. But her father pulled her back onto the bed and held her arm.

  “Look. If you make Daddy happy, your little problem at school can just be our little secret and your mother won’t ever have to find out about it. We can make each other happy, princess. So come on. Just lie down and relax.”

  “No,” she said, jerking away from him and leaving the bed again. “Stop it.”

  “I can’t believe you’re treating me this way when you were so willing to be with that Kyle. But then, maybe the reason you’re acting this way is because you’ve already had sex with him. Maybe I was right all along.”

  “I did not! And please get out of my room. Please leave me alone, Daddy.”

  Her father got up and walked over to where she was standing. “You’re really disappointing me, and you know I don’t like that. I don’t like how ungrateful you’re being when I do everything I can for you. I make sure your mom has enough money to buy you anything you want, and this is the thanks I get for it?”

  No matter how many filthy and sinful things he’d made her do in the past—no matter how much she knew she had no choice but to continue letting him do them—she would never let him crawl into bed with her and force himself inside her. She would never let him violate her that way. So she backed away from him and then out of her room and ran down the staircase.

  Her father called after her, but she ignored him and hurried into the kitchen.

  He walked in right behind her. “Why are you all of a sudden acting like I’m the enemy? Like you hate me.”

  “Daddy, why can’t you just leave me alone?”

  “Because I can’t,” he said, slowly walking toward her. “I’ve tried to love just your mom, but I can’t help how I feel about you. And before this silly boy came into the picture, you felt the same way about me. I know you did.”

  Jillian backed into the sink.

  “Princess, please just forget about that boy, and I’ll get you anything you want. I’ll do anything you ask because I just can’t stand the thought of you being with him. I told you before how jealous I was of him. I don’t want to be, princess, but I can’t help myself.”

  “Daddy, please stop bothering me!” she screamed.

  “Okay, okay. I’ll leave you alone if you’ll just give me a big hug. That’s all.”

  Jillian didn’t want to do that either, but if hugging him would free her from this madness, at least for today, then it was worth it.

  “Thank you, princess,” he said the moment they embraced each other. “Thank you for being so good to Daddy.”

  Jillian attempted to pull away.

  “Just let me hold you a little while longer and then you can go.”

  Jillian kept her arms around his waist and at first he just held her, but then she felt him caressing her back. She didn’t like this, so she tried easing away from him again. But this time, he lifted her chin away from his chest and kissed her. He kissed her frantically and tried forcing his tongue inside her mouth. Then, he kissed her on her neck, moving his lips from one side to the other. She tried pushing him with both hands, but he wouldn’t release her.

  “Daddy, please don’t. Stop it. You said just a hug and that you’d let me go after that.”

  “Come on, princess,” he said between breaths, and squeezed her body even tighter.

  “Daddy, I said, stop it!”

  She pleaded with all her might, but her father ignored all that she was saying and slowly stroked her back and forth between her legs. Jillian squirmed and yelled as loud as she could. “Oh God, Daddy, please don’t do this!”

  Still, he kept on his mission. “You know you want this, princess. We’ve both wanted it for a long time now,” he said, sliding his hand inside her sweat pants and then inside her underwear.

  “Daddy, I’m begging you. Please don’t make me do this!”

  Her father pressed her body completely into the corner of the kitchen countertop and held the back of her head with one of his hands, all while kissing her up and down her neck in an out-of-control manner. He then used his other hand to unbuckle his belt and unzip his dress pants.

  “Why don’t you take care of Daddy the way you always do, and then we’ll go back upstairs to your bedroom, so we can make love to each other,” he said, still kissing her ferociously and gently pressing down on both of her shoulders, trying to get her onto her knees.

  Jillian felt like she was having an out-of-body experience. Like she was watching a movie, starring her and her father. It was a strange feeling, the kind she’d never had before and one she couldn’t begin to explain if she wanted to. But she continued watching. She watched and before long, she saw herself reaching and then yanking a butcher knife from its wooden holder. She watched and saw the knife plunging deeply into her father’s stomach and then saw his body dropping to the floor.

  She watched and knew for sure that she must be daydreaming.

  Chapter 21

  AFTER JILLIAN’S MOTHER HAD DIALED 911, THE PARAMEDICS hadn’t wasted any time arriving on the scene and neither had each of the four police officers and two detectives. Every one of them seemed to be assigned to something different, but it was the officer who’d been given the task of picking up the huge knife with gloved hands that Jillian had paid the most attention to. It just didn’t seem real, but she knew there was no denying that she had, in fact, stabbed her father as hard as she could. She’d done it without planning to and, for a few moments, without even realizing it, but now she was fully aware of all the key details. She’d stabbed him, he’d fallen to the floor, and her mother had walked in right afterward.

  That was hours ago, but Jillian still remembered it the same as if it was happening now.

  “Oh my God, what in the world is going on here?!” her mother yelled hysterically. />
  “Nothing,” her father struggled to say while moaning in great pain. “I was just…just showing her what could happen if she didn’t leave that Kyle boy alone. She got caught with him outside at school today and had to be escorted by one of the policemen to the principal’s office.”

  “What? But why are your pants and underwear dropped down around your legs like that? Jill, sweetie, what was he trying to do to you?”

  “I told you, baby,” her father answered, as if he was the one who’d been asked the question. “Nothing.”

  “Honey, come here,” her mother said, reaching out her arms, and Jillian fell into them, bawling.

  Her mother held her close and then looked down at her husband. She stared at him, without saying one word, but then finally called for help.

  As soon as she hung up the phone, though, Jillian’s father snatched the knife from his body and screamed for his natural life. Blood spewed everywhere, but interestingly enough, her mother only watched and never took one step toward him.

  “Roxie, baby, can you please help me?” he asked, reaching out one of his hands to her. “Help me before I bleed to death.”

  “You’re sick, Byron. You’re sick and pathetic, and I can’t believe I’ve been so blind. I can’t believe you would expose yourself like this to my innocent little child.”

  “But I haven’t done anything wrong. I mean, maybe I went too far trying to scare her about this Kyle boy, but I’ve never done anything even close to this before now.”

  “Excuse me?” her mother said. “Byron, you’re lying there practically half-naked. So how can you possibly even try to explain something like this?”

  “Because not once have I ever approached or touched my princess in the wrong kind of way. Not one time.”

  “Yes, he has, Mom,” Jillian spat out, surprising herself. “He’s been making me do all kinds of stuff with him ever since Layla was born, and I wanted to tell you so bad. I wanted to tell you, but he told me you wouldn’t believe me. He told me that we were only doing what all fathers and daughters do with each other and that there was nothing wrong with it. And, Mom, that’s why I’ve been so afraid for you to find out. I’ve been afraid for five whole years.”