Turning on the Tide

by Jenna Rae

  Lola frowned. “What?”

  “Hey, I’m not into threesomes, myself, but I could be talked into it if you’re very sweet to me. I could see it, you know? You and me and some other chick—I like the way you think.”

  Lola shook her head. “No, that’s not—”

  “Relax!” Sterling laughed and shook her head. “Kidding! I’m kidding. I thought we were maybe pals, you and me. Aren’t we?”

  “Well, I guess so.” Though they weren’t, really, Lola reflected.

  “Then what’s the big deal? Can’t you take a joke?”

  “Sorry.” Lola wished she hadn’t come to the coffee shop. She stared down at her cup, wishing it were smaller. How quickly could she get out of here without being rude? She’d met Sterling three times, and she’d been a different person each time. How could one person have three different personalities?

  “You’re way too serious. Don’t you ever lighten up and just have fun?”

  “Of course.” But really, Lola wondered, do I? “Not much, I guess.”

  “Well, that settles it.” Sterling grabbed her hand. “As your newest friend, I consider it my sacred duty to teach you how to have fun. Are you ready?”

  “Ready for what, exactly?”

  Sterling laughed, but she seemed irritated. “God, you’re so intense about everything. What’s the big deal? Are you a drama queen or something?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Come on, I don’t see why you’re acting like this. It’s making me uncomfortable.”

  “Acting like what?”

  “Forget it.” Sterling stood abruptly, banging into the table. “I’m really not too happy with being here right now. Can we go, please?”

  Lola wasn’t sure how to react to this.

  “I thought you—”

  “Come on, you’re being weird, let’s go.”

  “How am I being weird?”

  “If you don’t know, I can’t explain it.”

  Lola gave up and stood. “Maybe we should just call it a night.” She tried to hide the hope in her voice, but she flushed with guilt and saw Sterling notice this.

  “Don’t run off, okay? Please? Don’t abandon me. Everybody abandons me.”

  Lola swallowed hard. “Where do you want to go?”

  “I don’t care. You decide.” Sterling pulled her through the tables and to the door. When they got outside, Sterling seemed to relax.

  “Are you okay?” Lola cast about for a way to end the evening.

  “I don’t know why, but I was feeling kind of anxious in there. You ever feel anxious like that?”

  Lola nodded slowly. “Sometimes.”

  “Thanks for coming with me. Can we drive around a little?”

  “I kind of need to get going. Besides, I thought you wanted to show me that picture.”

  “God, is that all you care about?” Sterling glared at her and Lola bit her lip.

  “I don’t—isn’t that why you asked me to come here?”

  “Maybe I just wanted too much. I really like you and I thought you liked me, but I’m not sure you know what you want. I’m not sure you’re an honest person. Are you playing a game with me?”

  Lola shook her head. “I’ve been very clear with you.”

  “You love your girlfriend, right? But you’re attracted to me too. So where does that leave me?”

  Lola wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Sterling, what do you want?”

  “Just let me walk you to your car. I need to see if I’m right about something.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “Please?”

  “I don’t—”

  “I promise, I just want us to be friends and have a few laughs.”

  Lola shrugged and started walking to her car, too exhausted and confused to decide how to respond. Sterling strode beside her, whistling. When Lola reached the car, she stood for a moment.

  “Well, good night.”

  Sterling shivered. “Hey, can we talk for a minute?”

  “Sterling, I—”

  “Come on, have a little decency. I’m freezing. Please? Would you really leave me out here like I’m nothing?”

  Lola was quiet until they were both sitting in the car. “I don’t understand what you want from me.”

  Sterling shivered again. “Could you give me a ride to BART? It’s not far, but I’m really cold.”

  “Okay.” Was that what this was all about, Sterling wanting a ride to the train station? It was a little chilly out but hardly cold enough to warrant all the dramatics. Lola started up the car and tried to analyze what was happening, to no avail. She was clearly out of her depths. Sterling played with the radio dials, opened and closed the glove compartment, looked in the backseat. She reached into the little storage drawer under the car’s radio and pulled something out.

  “What’s this?”

  Lola almost grabbed Sterling’s hand but couldn’t let go of the steering wheel.

  “It’s a music box.” It was the music box Orrin had given her, back when he was her friend Dr. Beckett and she was still free and young and hopeful. Why she kept it in the car, she couldn’t say. It didn’t belong in Del’s house, for some reason. It contained the only mementos of her childhood self, and she certainly didn’t want this stranger, this weird and sort of scary woman, pawing carelessly through it.

  “Huh.” Sterling poked around and pulled out the rings. “Yours?”

  “Yes.” Lola swallowed hard. The last thing she wanted to do was discuss Orrin with this woman. She waited until they were at a light to take the music box back and put it in her lap.

  “Geez, fine. You think I’m a thief or something?”

  She pulled up in front of a fast-food restaurant across from the train station, but Sterling didn’t move and Lola didn’t know how to get her out.

  I’ll ignore her, she thought. She pretended to have forgotten Sterling’s presence and watched two colorfully clad women scream at each other outside the burger joint. Lola gasped, horrified, when one of the women grabbed the other by the hair and smashed her face into a wall. Sterling laughed out loud and cheered when the woman with the now bleeding face punched her attacker. The brawling pair went into the restaurant, shouting obscenities at each other, and Lola looked around. She couldn’t leave Sterling here, as much as she wanted to be rid of her.

  “It seems kind of dangerous here.”

  “You should see the station on Sixteenth. That one really sucks.”

  “So, do you want me to leave you here or take you somewhere else?” Lola braced herself.

  Sure enough, Sterling was angry. She huffed and glared at Lola. “So, I guess you don’t care if I get robbed or murdered?”

  Lola sat for a moment, trying to think of a way out of this situation and unable to do so. Finally she gave in.

  “Sterling, do you want a ride home?”

  Sterling pointed at a man berating a teenager wearing a halter-top and short shorts. “That’s a pimp, you know. The kid’s one of his bitches.”

  Lola frowned. “Sterling?”

  “If you want to, I guess you can give me a ride home.”

  Sterling sat back and took a deep breath. She was relaxed, clearly, and Lola fought a flash of annoyance. Maybe Sterling was broke and she couldn’t afford a car. It would be humiliating, having to beg rides from strangers. So, Lola wondered, was that her boat, that first day? Or had Sterling borrowed it from someone? Or was this all some elaborate game? Maybe Sterling had been in a terrible accident and was unable to drive because of the trauma. Maybe—Lola shook her head slightly.

  I’ll drive her home and never have to see this woman again.

  Seemingly oblivious to Lola’s discomfort, Sterling chattered about the places they passed. She directed Lola toward the Bernal Heights neighborhood, and Lola fought the impulse to ask Sterling what was going on. She didn’t want Sterling to get angry again, so she followed her directions up and up the steep hill. Finally they were in front of a pretty
bungalow. If Sterling could afford such a nice house and a boat and her nice wardrobe, why didn’t she have a car?

  “Here you go.” Lola didn’t plan to stay, but Sterling just sat there for a full minute, and finally Lola shut off the engine.

  “Thanks for the ride.” Sterling seemed shy now, and Lola fought impatience.

  I’m tired. And very annoyed and confused by you and a little scared of you. But Lola didn’t know how to say those things. Instead, she fell back on a strategy she’d developed as a child, counting. It helped her stay calm when anxious, and she got to three hundred and seven before Sterling broke the silence.

  “Was it really so awful, driving a couple of miles up here?” Sterling sounded like she was crying, and Lola felt two things in equal measure, guilt over being unfriendly and annoyance at being manipulated.

  “No, of course not. I just—”

  “You think I’m pathetic.”

  “No!”

  “You’re blaming me because you want me.”

  “No, Sterling.” Lola shook her head. “I don’t understand what’s happening here. I thought you wanted my advice about your business. I thought you wanted to show me the picture you took. I don’t understand any of what you say or do.”

  “Have you been thinking about me?”

  Sterling was leaning close again, and Lola eased toward her door.

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Liar, liar,” Sterling crooned. “Are your pants on fire?” She reached down as if to grab Lola’s leg but pulled her hand away when Lola flinched.

  “Whoa, skittish much? God, I didn’t even touch you. Don’t you dare say I touched you. I didn’t lay a hand on you. Don’t you fucking make up lies about me, bitch, or I swear I’ll make you pay.”

  Lola couldn’t speak for the lump in her throat. What was happening? Why was this happening? She couldn’t believe she’d let herself get trapped in her own car—Orrin’s car—with this crazy woman. No one knew where she was or who she was with. She’d set herself up. Hot tears stung her eyes, and she wished that just once she could feel bad without crying. It was humiliating. She pressed her lips together, unable to say anything or stop the tears that had started leaking out.

  “Knock that off, now. Just be a good girl, and you and I can still be friends. I can be very, very charming. You like perversion, don’t you? Homosexuality? You do, I know you do. You already showed your sinful nature.”

  Lola was too stunned to react and gaped at Sterling’s too-close face.

  “Don’t be like that. You can act as prissy as you like, it doesn’t do any good. You are lost, and you are filled with pain and anger, aren’t you?”

  Lola shook her head, unable to voice a more meaningful response.

  “I gave you two of the tests, and I already know you’re going to fail the third. I hate to put both of us through it, I really do. But I have to be sure, you understand? Sure you do.”

  Her breath was warm and sour and too close, and Lola turned her head away. Sterling was touching her hair, her arm. She’d undone her seat belt and slid across the bench seat. She pressed up against Lola and undid Lola’s seat belt. Lola gasped but kept her face turned away.

  “From the first time you saw me, you wanted me. Admit it. You noticed me, didn’t you? You liked what you saw, right? You can play ice princess all you want, I know what you are. I know what perversions you turned to when you got too scared to follow the natural path of a woman’s life. I understand, really. It’s not your fault. You got twisted away from your true purpose by the sickness of bad men. I’m going to free you, sister.”

  Lola couldn’t take a deep breath. Finally she found her voice.

  “Stop it, Sterling, that’s not happening.”

  “I think it is.” Before Lola could react, Sterling was leaning over her, pressing down on her. Her lips were on Lola’s, her hands had pinned Lola’s arms, and her weight was crushing Lola and making it hard for her to breathe.

  Lola panicked, flailing and crying. She pushed against Sterling, who seemed suddenly larger and stronger and impossibly heavy. Lola tried to squirm free, to no avail. She went limp, thinking this would spoil Sterling’s fun, but Sterling didn’t seem to notice her resistance or her passivity.

  Sterling whispered with hot breath into Lola’s ear, but Lola didn’t hear the words, just felt the spoiled, wet breath that carried them. Something was pressing into Lola’s leg, and she focused on that. What was it? She pretended Sterling wasn’t kissing her and touching her and that the thing by her leg was the only thing she could feel. She didn’t want to go away, but it was getting hard to stay focused. The too-strong scent of Sterling’s cologne was making her gag, and she swallowed hard.

  “My music box,” she tried to say, but Sterling’s mouth and tongue were in the way. Olivia would know what to do in this situation. But Olivia would never let herself get in this situation, would she? She was too smart, too sophisticated. Besides that, in Olivia’s world, good was rewarded and bad was punished, and people were who they said they were. If they weren’t, Olivia could always tell. She was much smarter than Lola, and she was much better at reading people. Thinking about Olivia made it hard to go away, Lola realized, and she let go of Olivia like releasing a balloon into a breeze. Olivia floated away, her long hair sailing behind her in the moonlit sky, and Lola closed her eyes and waited for the darkness to swallow her and keep her.

  “That’s right, let the truth out.”

  Lola heard Sterling’s voice as if from far away and ignored it. She was very tired, and the hole yawned beneath her, dark and warm and safe. Soon she would be gone, and then she would come back when it was all over. She sighed, relieved. Sterling kept kissing her, but Lola knew the kissing was far away and not important.

  Lola watched Sterling shift into the passenger seat and look around outside the car, watched Sterling reach over and shake Lola’s cold, boneless body.

  “You’re just a lost girl, aren’t you? Aren’t you?”

  Lola watched Sterling regard Lola’s still frame for a moment.

  Lola watched Sterling look around outside the car again. A man was walking up the hill behind the car, a pair of small dogs on leashes trailing after him. He was maybe four houses away.

  Lola watched Sterling wink.

  “That’s okay, you don’t have to answer me. I already have my answer. You failed the last test. I know this was bad for you, but I promise it’s okay. You don’t have to be scared. I’ll take care of everything.”

  Lola clutched the music box and curled her arms over her body. She scrubbed at her mouth with her sleeve.

  Sterling was reaching for Lola again when the sound of an old-fashioned car horn interrupted her movement.

  “Whoops! Should have silenced that. Hold on.” Sterling pulled out her phone and made a face. “Well, okay. That is not a text I can ignore.” She eyed Lola. “I hate to do this to you, I really do. But I have an emergency to take care of. We have to take care of our friends, don’t we? You may not understand that. You’ve never been very good at making friends, have you? It’s okay. So sorry, I have to go. Don’t mention this to anyone, sweetheart. This has to be our little secret. Think your girlfriend would believe you didn’t cheat? She won’t. I know her even better than I know you. See you soon. Actually, it may be a little while, I’m going to be busy, but I will see you again, I promise.”

  “No! No, you won’t.” But the door slammed on her first word and muffled those that followed. Lola skidded away, forgetting to release the emergency brake for nearly a mile before she realized why she was going so slowly. She pulled over, put the car in park, and stilled her shaking body.

  Nothing really happened, silly. So she kissed you. Big deal. People kiss each other all the time. No biggie.

  She put down her music box to release the brake and realized the little wooden case was broken. The lid was cracked and one of the hinges was bent. She put the pieces back in the little drawer under the radio. She moved the gearshift
to the place where the little “D” used to be. It had been worn away even before Orrin gave Lola the car twenty years back.

  Lola nodded and took a long, slow breath. She drove to Del’s house carefully, afraid—though she knew it was a ridiculous fear—that if she didn’t maintain constant vigilance, she’d drive right off the surface of the Earth and disappear forever.

  Chapter Twenty

  I scrub with the steel wool until blood stains the water. I am dirtied by the mission, and I retch until my vision goes spotty and then dark. I am weakened. I should eat. I should sleep. I should take the pills, red and blue. I should call my friend back. I do none of these things. I fall with a crash onto the wet, red-ringed bottom of the tub and weep. The old man took me to see the giant block of sandstone before artisans made it into this vessel for bathing. He loved me at least a little, I think. Back when he was still able to move his body by sheer force of will. He was a vessel too, given to me as a tool to use in my mission. I used to feel guilty, pretending to love the lonely octogenarian. But he was weak, in spirit as well as in body, and he was using me too. He’d pushed away everyone who loved him with his severity and rages, but I was used to severity and rages. I understood, and still do, how this dirty world hurts the soul of the truly loving. It is designed to squeeze our hearts until they turn to stone as hard as the surface of this tub. I run my fingers along the pinked waterline, seeing its history more than feeling it. This piece of earth’s lifespan knows more than most people, as do I. That’s why I asked the old man for as much stone in his house—our house—as possible. I wanted it to remind me that what we are now, these empty shells we have chosen to become, are just a blip on the radar of humanity’s larger story. We are more than mere lemmings, though we have to fight to remember this.

  What am I? Despair holds me in its dead hands, squeezing my heart. I cannot raise my body out of the water or my spirits out of the depths.

  She finds me. I weep at the memories of the dozens of times she has found me right when I was so overcome with defeat and doubt that I could hardly breathe one more second. And every time she is there. My friend, slight though she is, lifts me out of the tub and eases me onto the sandstone floor the old man chose because he likes consistency. It makes the tub look like it rises out of the center of the huge bathroom like a shrine to my body, he said, shaking with desire in his throne-like wheelchair. But that was back when he could sit up in the thing, before he became the shell that breathes only because the nurses I have hired stand watch two at a time, twenty-four hours each day, monitoring the machines that monitor his body’s limited life. When he dies I will inherit millions, maybe billions. I don’t know. The lawyers my friend found for me have sewn everything up neatly by handing out many millions of dollars to his so-called family to make them go away forever. I haven’t seen his sons or ex-wife in years. I used to mourn for the old man’s loneliness but now I appreciate the freedom it offers me. My friend helped me find that appreciation and a use for that freedom.