French Kissing: Season Three

by Harper Bliss

  Damn it, Claire thought. I have been fooling myself.

  “I’m glad you were able to come to that conclusion yourself,” Nadia said.

  “You know Margot well.” Now Claire had this additional insecurity to deal with as well. This will-she won’t-she feeling she didn’t know what to do about. “Has she given any indication of wanting to be more than friends?”

  Nadia shook her head. “I really can’t say that she has, Claire. But it might be that I wasn’t paying enough attention. Or that she hides it well. She’s been through a lot. She’s had a lot of time to think everything through. All I know is that when someone like Margot makes a decision, she’s going to do everything in her power to stand by it.” Nadia leaned over the table. “And Claire, if you are going to profess your love, you’d better make damn sure you’re not going to fall out of love with her the next week.”

  “You’re right. I’m not going to say anything. I promise you. I won’t hurt her again. I simply need her too much as a friend. I don’t want to risk that.”

  “So do I,” Nadia said. “I’m so glad she’s back at work. It feels like having an ally against the evil spirit of Dievart. Like I can deal with her better knowing that Margot is walking around the hospital. Did she tell you about her plans to take the bitch down?”

  “She did.” Claire remembered the conversation she’d had with Margot after she’d given her the bike. She’d felt so close to her then. “I talked her out of it.”

  “Probably for the best,” Nadia said. “Margot isn’t that kind of person. My wife on the other hand… she could probably strangle her with her bare hands.”

  “How’s Jules holding up?” God, Claire missed her. Working alongside Juliette when she hated your guts was no picnic.

  “She misses you terribly. And she takes it out on me, of course.” Nadia scrunched her lips into a pout. “But I’ve paid my dues, Claire. I’ve been punished enough for sleeping with that putasse. I even agreed to start this whole having-a-baby process with her. Out of remaining guilt as much as anything else, I guess. What you said the last time we spoke did ring true, by the way.”

  “I miss her too, Nadz. Even though I see her every day. Sometimes it’s as though she forgets how angry she is with me, and she’ll make a silly remark, or will start to say something, until she remembers, and then she just shuts it down, and that’s what hurts the most. These glimpses of how it used to be.”

  “You had to tell her, though,” Nadia said solemnly.

  “I did,” Claire admitted.

  “She will get over it. She will have no choice. I foresee a very upsetting ob-gyn appointment. It would make me feel better if you could reach out to her afterwards. She will growl and probably snap at you, but she’s also going to need you more than she will realize at that point.”

  “I will always be there for her,” Claire said.

  “I know.” Nadia emptied the rest of her glass and looked Claire in the eyes. “The problem with Juliette is that she doesn’t know how lucky she is to have us in her life.”

  “Are you going to tell her that or shall I?” Claire couldn’t hold back a chuckle.

  EPISODE THIRTEEN

  JULIETTE

  “While there is, purely theoretically, about a five percent chance that the procedure will work and you’ll become pregnant, the actual chance is, in fact, zero, Juliette,” Dr. Dupuis said. “I’m very sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were hoping for a very different outcome.”

  Hoping… yes, Juliette thought. But she’d known it was going to be like this. All her life, the universe, or whatever else, had been messing with her. Why would it have been any different now? Why would someone like her be deserving of mothering a child?

  “Okay.” Juliette kept her voice steady. “Thanks for letting us know.” She rose from her chair.

  “Jules, we don’t have to go immediately. We can talk about this with Dr. Dupuis.” Nadia looked up at her. At least she would be happy. This was probably what Nadia had been hoping for all along.

  “I don’t need to talk about it,” Juliette said and gathered her purse from the floor.

  “Juliette, we have people you can talk to. I can refer you to—” Dr. Dupuis started to say, but Juliette cut her off.

  “I don’t need to talk to anyone about this.” She would deal with it herself, the way she had done with every other bad thing that had happened to her.

  Nadia finally stood up and put her hand on Juliette’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of her.”

  The hell you will, Juliette thought. Then another thought entered her head—quite possibly the most destructive thought she’d ever had in her life, and she’d had many.

  Nadia thanked Dr. Dupuis and they exited her office.

  “I’m going back to work,” Juliette announced. “I don’t want to stay at Saint-Vincent one second longer than I have to.”

  “Let’s go grab a coffee first. We need to discuss this.” Nadia’s tone was insistent.

  Juliette couldn’t bear to be around Nadia right now. She needed to be alone with her dashed dreams for a while. She needed some time to really wrap her head around it. “We’ll talk about it tonight. I promise you we will. I just need some alone time right now.”

  “Jules, don’t do this,” Nadia pleaded. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

  There were so many things running through Juliette’s mind. So many things she wanted to say to Nadia. Things she’d want to take back after she’d dealt with this disappointment. Therefore, she couldn’t possibly stay.

  “I’ll be home later, but right now, I can’t be around anyone.” Juliette did her very best to keep her voice level, and to not show Nadia how much she wanted to throw this in her face. It was as though, while the doctor was saying that one sentence that sealed Juliette’s fate, she finally understood why Nadia had crossed over to the Maybe-camp, and had agreed to make inquiries together. Nadia had never actually said out loud she wanted to have a child. She’d just gone along with Juliette, accommodated her wish… to shut her up, most likely. Because she knew what the outcome was going to be all along.

  “Okay.” Nadia grabbed her hands and gave them a squeeze. “Call me if you need me.”

  “I will.” Juliette couldn’t even look her wife in the eyes. On the inside, she was being eaten alive by disappointment and despair and the extremely irrational thought that this was, somehow, all Nadia’s fault.

  “I love you.” Nadia kissed her on the cheek.

  “I love you too,” Juliette said automatically, then turned and made her way out of the hospital. As she neared the exit, she walked faster and faster because she couldn’t get out of there quickly enough. Once she was outside, and the sunlight hit her straight in the face, and the emotions she’d been holding in made their way to the surface, she had to steady herself against the outer wall of the building.

  “Fuck,” she said, quietly at first. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” The volume of her voice grew and some passers-by started to give her funny looks, but Juliette couldn’t care less what they thought of her. They were probably all mothers and fathers who hadn’t spent the most fertile years of their lives building a business with a best friend who’d ended up betraying them. Juliette couldn’t figure out who she hated most right now: herself or Claire. Even though the news the doctor had just delivered had nothing to do with Claire whatsoever.

  “Juliette.” Juliette heard a voice calling her name from behind her. “Are you okay?”

  Please do not let it be her, Juliette thought, then she thought back at the purely evil thought she’d had earlier. The one way to avenge all that had been done to her. Because why did she deserve to be cheated on by her partner? Why did she deserve to be stabbed in the back by her best friend? Why did she deserve to be so barren and cold on the inside that no baby could grow inside of her? What if she showed them all what Juliette Barbier was really made of? And gave both Claire and Nadia a taste of their own medicine.

  Juliette tu
rned around and staring Marie Dievart in the face felt like a punch in the gut. “Do not talk to me,” she said to Dievart. “Walk away now.” She could never, ever do what Claire had done to her. The mere sight of Dievart repulsed her so much, she thought she was going to be sick.

  “You’re clearly upset,” Dievart said, ignoring Juliette’s command. “Can I help?”

  “Help?” Juliette hissed. “After you’ve destroyed so many good things in my life. What have I ever done to you, anyway, that you had to go and take it all away from me?” On some level, Juliette knew she wasn’t making any sense. She was probably having a nervous breakdown. But, damn it, this woman needed to be told. “You listen to me.” She took a step closer to Dievart who, to her, looked like the most ordinary person Juliette had ever seen. “You leave my wife and my best friend alone, you filthy bitch. You keep your disgusting, home-wrecking hands to yourself. You’re a fucking parasite who gets off on destroying other people’s relationships. And you have the nerve to talk to me? To ask me what’s wrong? People like you is what’s wrong with me. Selfish, self-aggrandizing bitches like you—”

  “Jules.” Juliette heard a familiar voice to her left. “Jules, that’s enough.” Nadia put her hands on Juliette’s arms and pulled her away from Dievart.

  “That fucking bitch,” Juliette shouted. “Cette saloppe.”

  “I know. I know, babe,” Nadia whispered in her ear. “Ignore her. She’s nothing to us. She can’t touch us. She can’t hurt us.” If Nadia’s words were meant to be soothing, they were missing their effect entirely.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Juliette now directed her rage at Nadia. “Only the other night—” She couldn’t believe that Nadia was actually covering her mouth with her hand.

  “Come on. You’re upset. Let’s get you out of here.” Nadia as good as dragged her back into the hospital. “Let’s go to my office,” she said, once inside. “Let’s talk.”

  But Juliette didn’t want to talk. She wanted to cry for a few hours and then drink a bottle of wine or two. Not even Nadia, her big-hearted, aggravatingly perfect wife, would be able to understand how Juliette felt. She would not be able to make this better. Still, Juliette allowed herself to be hauled into Nadia’s office, because she didn’t seem to have the muscle power to resist. She suddenly felt completely depleted of energy.

  Nadia planted her in a chair, poured her a glass of water and sat down next to her. “For the record,” she said, “you had every right to yell at her.”

  “Damn it, Nadz,” Juliette said. “I think I’m losing my fucking mind.” Juliette couldn’t think of a more accurate description of what was going on inside of her right now. The swirl of thoughts making her dizzy. The sense of loss. The destroyed hope. The fact that she was morally capable of even conceiving of the notion of sleeping with Dievart as an act of revenge. Nobody else was the problem here. All her life, Juliette had only had one big problem: herself. Nadia wasn’t the enemy, nor was Claire. Not even Dievart. Juliette was her own worst enemy. It was, in the end, what it always came down to.

  “You’re upset and angry,” Nadia said. “What you’re feeling is completely normal. I shouldn’t have let you go off on your own after the news you just got.”

  “I just feel so completely fucking empty inside,” Juliette said, just before the tears came, in sudden waves of hysteria, leaving Juliette unable to voice the other thoughts in her head. While she wailed in Nadia’s arms, and thought about the baby she would never have, she finally realized that she didn’t deserve it. It was the universe looking out for this unborn life. Juliette Barbier was not fit to be a mother. She was barely fit to be someone’s wife or friend. What had she been thinking? She wasn’t any better than her emotionally cold mother and her homophobic father. Not where it mattered—in her cold, cold heart. She was a Barbier. She could try to outrun, out-cry, out-marry her destiny all she wanted. She was no better than that man who called himself her father. She wasn’t better than any of them.

  NADIA

  Nadia had known Juliette would take the news badly, but she hadn’t expected a full-blown breakdown. She had managed to sneak Juliette out of Saint-Vincent through a backdoor—lest they run into Dievart again—and get her home. The hysteric crying had stopped just before they’d left her office, but then Juliette had slipped into a totally morose state, her face blank, her eyes dead, her voice silent.

  Nadia had put her to bed, then pondered what to do next. Could she deal with this on her own? She had done so successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully for the past decade. But this seemed different. Nadia had seen Juliette angry and angrier, but she’d never seen her this despondent. This utterly fragile. She was probably in shock. But perhaps she should ask Margot over tonight to have a look at her. And Claire. God, Nadia could sure do with Claire by her side right now. She could also do without the guilt accumulating in her mind. Because Nadia’s plan had worked. She had predicted it would go this way. She hadn’t been a hundred percent certain, of course, but all the scientific evidence had pointed in the right—for her—direction. She shouldn’t have allowed Juliette to get her hopes up. It was cruel. She’d gambled with her wife’s emotions. She had behaved in a way no spouse ever should.

  Chances were that Juliette wouldn’t want to talk to her for a good long while. But then who would help her? Nadia had no choice. She had to call Claire and ask her to come over. But, then again, she did have a choice. Everyone always had a choice. Nadia had to admit to herself that she had no clue what to do. Maybe she should call Steph and ask her for the number of that therapist she was seeing.

  Fuck it, she was calling Claire. She needed to talk to someone.

  ✶ ✶ ✶

  “Poor Jules,” Claire said when she arrived. Nadia was glad they’d met up two days ago and cleared the air between them. They could both focus on Juliette now. Nadia had told Claire about Juliette’s run-in with Dievart on the phone already. Her name needn’t be mentioned anymore. Yeah right.

  Yes, poor Jules, Nadia thought. But here I am, ready to pick up the pieces once again. The thing was that Nadia didn’t feel ready, or equipped, or even capable of doing that. She had done wrong by Juliette. She saw that now. She should have been true to herself and she should have said no and dealt with the consequences there and then instead of letting it all drag on and come to a head like this.

  “I don’t think she’s sleeping,” Nadia said. “She’s just lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling.”

  “Should we call Margot?” Claire stuffed her fists into her blazer pockets.

  “I don’t know. I actually prefer it when she gets enraged. This silence she’s wrapping herself in is doing my head in.” Nadia started pacing. “She could be in shock, I guess.”

  “Margot is off today. I’ll call her,” Claire said with determination in her voice. “Just to be sure.”

  While Claire made the call, Nadia went to check on her wife again. She leaned against the door frame and looked at Juliette. She was still just lying there, gaze glued to the ceiling. What was going on inside her head? Did she hate herself? She probably did. Nobody could ever hate Juliette more than she sometimes hated herself. Did she hate Nadia because she had sussed out her cowardly plan? And how were they meant to crawl out of this depth? Marriage was full of ups-and-downs, her mother had always told her. To Nadia, it felt more like a rollercoaster that tried very hard but just couldn’t defeat gravity.

  “Jules,” Nadia tried, but Juliette didn’t respond. She lay there as if she were alone in the flat—as if she were alone in the world. “Jules, Margot is coming over to check on you, okay?” Nadia waited several seconds but no reply came.

  Nadia went back into the living room and, grateful to have Claire by her side, waited for Margot.

  ✶ ✶ ✶

  “Physically, she’s fine,” Margot said. “Give her something to help her sleep tonight. She has a lot to process. But call me if there’s no change tomorrow morning. I can refer her to someone she can
talk to.”

  “Thanks,” Nadia said absent-mindedly. “The way she’s lying there, she reminds me of my grandmother just before she died, when her mind had already gone. It’s scary.”

  “I know,” Margot said. “I’m not saying this is something she can simply sleep off, but let’s just wait and see.” She put a hand on Nadia’s shoulder. “We can stay if you like, for as long as you like.”

  “Oh, I’m staying,” Claire said. “If you don’t mind, Nadz?”

  “No, of course not. Both of you, please make yourselves comfortable.” Nadia was grateful they were staying because she desperately didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts.

  All they needed now was for Steph to turn up for them all to be in the same room for the first time since… Nadia couldn’t even remember. Had it been the wedding? Yes, it must have been then. Thinking about Steph reminded her of the debate between Dominique and Goffin tonight. Juliette and Nadia had previously decided to order pizza and watch it together. “Is Steph manning the fort?” Nadia asked Claire.

  “Yep. I have no idea how she juggles it all, but she is,” Claire said. She and Margot had sat down next to each other in the largest sofa, leaving a tiny bit of space between them.

  “The debate is tonight,” Nadia said. “Is she going with Dominique?”

  “I imagine so, but I don’t really know. She hasn’t said,” Claire replied.

  “Should we call her? Just in case?” Nadia had this inexplicable urge for all of them to be together.

  “Sure. Why not?” Claire said.

  “Okay, I’ll text her.” While she did, Nadia concluded it was only logical for her to want to have her friends around. Even though her motives weren’t entirely honorable. First of all, having everyone around kept her from dwelling on the wrong decisions she had made. Secondly, if at some point during the night Juliette decided to get up, she wouldn't start shouting at Nadia with everyone there.